Narcissism is defined as an “extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. True narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings and they do not understand the effect their behavior has on other people.” http://www.webmd.com
Narcissistic personality disorder is considered a mental health condition and it is characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated self-importance. It is a pattern of behavior that is often destructive to the people around them. These are self-centeredness, arrogance, lack of empathy, inconsideration for other people and inflated self-importance. Narcissists can be manipulative, selfish and they display a sense of entitlement.
“When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there is always a whole secret life going on behind your back.” Unknown
A narcissist moves to a different drumbeat, one of their own making. Rules and conventions do not apply to them and if it did, do not expect it to last very long. It lasts only if you accept them on their terms. There is no compromise. Falling in love is a knee-jerk reaction for the narcissist, the emphasis here being on JERK!”
“Narcissistic personality disorder is the only mental condition where the patient is left alone but everyone else needs treatment.” Unknown
They’ll keep the facade going as long as it suits them. Yes, they can play the “nice guy” but only if everything goes according to their plan. If it doesn’t the gloves are off and the real person steps out, someone you never knew was hiding behind the mask they had been wearing.
Narcissist:
“(n): a more polite term for a self-serving manipulative, evil jerk with no soul and compassion.”
If the relationship doesn’t work out like they wanted which is all to their benefit, they’ll move on in a heartbeat without so much as a goodbye because their next victim is already on the line. They will show no remorse, compassion or empathy because they have none to offer. Their feelings only run knee-deep like their emotions. They will lie, cheat, stand on their head and declare on the Bible that it is the absolute truth and nothing but the truth in order to make you question your sanity because that is how they work. It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse all to the detriment of the victim. It often leads to anxiety and stress disorders. Unfortunately, it is hard to recognize a narcissist when approached by one because they don’t have a sign on their forehead which says, “I AM A NARCISSIST! Please beware.” Life would be easier if they did but there is none. You learn from your mistakes and hopefully the damage is minimal.
According to the Collins Dictionary, it is defined as “not showing or done with due care for the consequences of one’s actions or attitudes.”
Basically it points to reckless behavior with no thought for the well-being of someone else and not thinking or worrying about the possible results of said actions. It often stems from a lack of self-discipline amongst other things.
“An irresponsible person has no consideration for others.” Unknown
I have put up with irresponsible behavior for most of my life. I think many of us do. We are known as enablers. We do not hold people accountable for their actions but instead make excuses for them so that they can continue on their merry way wrecking havoc as they go along their path of no consequences and move on with no accountability. One can say, the path to hell is often littered with irresponsible behavior.
“Enabling is a significant part of a codependent relationship. It involves supporting the unhealthy behaviors of someone through action or inaction.” Nedra Glover Tawab
It is a sort of give and take so to speak but only in this case you wind up giving more than you’ll ever receive.
Case in Point:
I have a so-called friend who takes irresponsible behavior to a new high. Let’s just say she walks to her own drumbeat one of no consequences AND recklessness should have been her middle name. Anyway, I’ve enabled some of that behavior by putting up with her actions. It has been mostly showing up late for appointments. In the beginning, it was five or ten minutes late. No big deal right? Now, it has escalated to 30 minutes with a stop to do some shopping in between before she arrives with a smile on her face and no apology whatsoever. Still I let it go. Yes, “enabler” should have been my middle name!
However, what she pulled this past week has brought me to a screeching halt and it is time to step back and re-evaluate the situation.
I was invited to her place for coffee and breakfast. I told her I would bring the bread rolls and she said, “Looking forward to it.” I was looking forward to some girl talk and a nice breakfast in a quiet atmosphere and I got both but with an unexpected guest! I showed up at the stipulated time bread rolls in hand. By the way, you can add, “Ms. Punctuality” to my last name! Anyway, she walks to the gate, we exchange pleasantries and walk to the front door. Still nothing was said. She opens the door, I step inside and she turns around and says, “I’ve been sick, very sick.” I stop in my tracks all alarm bells going off. I ask, “What with?”
She says, “Everything!”
Me: “What do you mean everything?”
She answers, “COVID!”
Me, croaking, “When did it start?”
She says nonchalantly, “It started last Thursday.”
Now, I am not good at Math but even I could figure out that it was less than a week ago! I was in the house with all windows and doors closed. Not only was there no means of escape but the bacteria or rather the virus was getting ready to pounce on me!
I could see that the table was set for breakfast. What should I do? Should I flee? Should I tell her that this is irresponsible behavior of the highest form? She says, “Let’s make some eggs.”
I mumbled, “No, I don’t want eggs thanks,” feeling like the sheep being led to the slaughter. Then she says, “I did the test this morning, it showed one stroke which means I am ok.” I wanted to scream, “I don’t bloody well care!” Did I tell you I am a hypochondriac as well?
It went downhill from there. I had a cup of coffee probably tinged with bacteria. I refused the ham and cheese and had 1/2 a break roll with some butter and marmalade all the time thinking, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to die anyway!!” I stayed for an hour, yes an hour because of the “enabler” issue and also because leaving any sooner would have been rude on my part. The conversation was stunted to say the least and I tolerated the coughing which was part and parcel of this breakfast date. When I finally got out into the fresh air, I took big gulps as if that was going to stop the virus that was making headway into my system shouting gleefully, “Another one bites the dust!”
It has been four days since and I’ve been downing tea laced with Moringa and spiked with lemon and doing an extra dose of meditation everyday. So far, so good. I googled the incubation period and it says 2-14 days after exposure to the virus! Lord, have mercy!
“Two things I can’t stand – Irresponsible behavior and Disloyalty.” Unknown
Emotionally irresponsible behavior is another form of irresponsible behavior. This one points to an “individual who lacks empathy for a loved one, and one who is frequently insensitive to those whom he or she is closest to.”
I’ve enabled such behavior not once, not twice but more times than I can count on my fingers. To make a long story short, such partners lack the ability to accept responsibility, they lack empathy, they have a fear of commitment, everything is about them, conversations are usually one-sided, they avoid relationship discussions and last but not least, YOU feel alone in the relationship. One such example is a narcissist. A narcissist is an emotionally immature person who often displays all of the symptoms of emotionally irresponsible behavior. They are self-preoccupied and they are “perfect” in their own eyes.
How do you deal with such people. Dr. Henry Cloud has some suggestions as far as “Name Your Boundaries” and standing by them.
I will not allow myself to be constantly criticized or infected with toxic emotional treatment that damages me. If the situation cannot be resolved, I will not expose myself to it.
I will not allow myself to be yelled at or be verbally abused. If that happens, I will distance myself from the relationship until it stops.
I will not allow myself to trust a liar or a cheat. The lying must stop before I trust the person again.
I will not take responsibility for the irresponsible behavior of others.
I will not tolerate any abuse of any kind.
AND MY OWN:
I will not let anyone treat me as if I don’t matter!
I feel a cough and a headache coming on. Time to Google again!
“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self-worth.” Unknown
Maturity is one thing but no matter how young, old or mature you get, walking away is a gut-wrenching experience. It is also one of the hardest things to do.
The truth of the matter is that “there is no relationship in which people have the right to violate your boundaries or treat you with disrespect. And if others can’t respect your boundaries, then quietly and calmly walk away. According to Meerabelledey.com, “Bad situations are just that. Bad. Realize that you have the power to walk away from destructive relationships.”
Easier said than done right? Exactly. When I first learned that my ex was cheating on me, I decided to confront him. It was a bad mistake on my part and I had no dignity to speak off at that point in time. All I saw was my 17 year marriage disintegrating like confetti before my very eyes but it wasn’t celebrating anything in particular but signifying the destruction of a sacred trust. My only thought at that moment was, I had to save it.
I approached them and we exchanged words. The woman took off in one direction and my ex took off after her. It was at that very moment that I realized there was no saving what could not or didn’t want to be saved. I was his past and ‘she’ was his new beginning.
“The hardest part about walking away from someone is when you realize that no matter how slow you go, that someone will never run after you.” Unknown
Since then, I’ve made the mistake of staying in relationships for way too long. Walking away was my last resort and trying to work a no win situation was my top priority until I learned that giving up and walking away did not mean I was weak but the contrary. It takes strength and courage to say, enough is enough and to leave with your dignity intact.
“Knowing when to walk away is WISDOM.
Being able to is COURAGE.
Walking away with your head held high is DIGNITY.”
According to experts learning to walk away can be learned and it gets easier as you go through the motions over and over again. I guess it is the same way with everything else in life. Repetition does make things easier I suppose but who wants to do a repeat performance of the bad kind like in Groundhog’s Day or as in a recurring nightmare? When has walking away from someone ever been easy? It has always been a gut-wrenching, gasping for air and almost like you’re drowning experience for me.
Life is complicated enough as it is and hitching our wagon to the wrong person makes it harder still. It’s a surefire way to face destruction of a different kind that of emotional distress, mental health problems, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Finally, it will drain your energy.
“We don’t walk away to teach people a lesson. We walk away because we finally learned ours.” Unknown
Make the hard decision but the right one.
Walk away from people who don’t care about you or your well-being. You deserve better.
Walk away from people who use and abuse you. You are worth more than that.
Walk away from people who cheat, lie and disrespect you. They are never going to make you happy.
Walk away from people who are just treading water, they will go under sooner or later and pull you down with them.
Walk towards people who care, respect, love and are KIND to you. They will take care of your heart.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Unknown
“not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.” Unknown
I’m talking about emotional baggage, the kind that has gathered so much dust but we still carry them around like an albatross around our necks. Everyone has them but some find it easy to let go and to move on. Others lug it around because they love going back there for whatever the reason and than there are those who use it as a “get out of jail free card.” They whip it out as a talking point as to why they are stuck where they’re at and can’t see their way forward.
Most or all of the “emotional baggage” belongs in the past but unresolved issues, anger, sadness, grief or just plain, “I love living in the past” attitude puts it front and center and makes it very much a part of the present.
“Leave your baggage where it belongs. In the past. It has no place in your future.” Unknown
Things happen and oftentimes we have no control over it. It could be a break up or a painful event such as losing a loved one or even situations which cause anger, confusion and absolute disbelief. They happened and there is no changing the outcome but by carrying that baggage around like a well-worn trophy, it is not going to change what took place in the past. It happened and there is no going back. You can only move forwards.
“We all have baggage but there comes a time when you realize it’s time to UNPACK.” Unknown
Here are some examples of emotional baggage:
I’ll never be good enough.
I don’t deserve good things.
Everyone will leave me.
I am angry.
I will never forgive.
I can’t escape my past.
Nobody cares about me!
I hate my life!
I can’t move forward.
I failed.
This is as good as it gets.
Recognize any of them? I DO.
“Emotional baggage refers to “unfinished emotional issues, stressors, pain, and difficulties we’ve experienced that continue to take up space in our minds and affect our present relationships.” http://www.verywellmind.com
The truth is:
“Emotional baggage is heavy, and it’s way too expensive to keep dragging along to all the places that life wants to take you.” Unknown
No, it is not easy to get rid of emotional baggage because we keep filling it up every chance we get. It gets so full sometimes that I can’t zip it up for all the useless stuff that I fill it up with, mostly things that have happened and it is still there for all the reasons I have stated above. It’s time to refocus and discard what no longer serves you.
If you want to get rid of the ‘useless’ you need to do some work. According to http://www.griefworkcenter.com, “Identify what you have actually lost and grieve that which is gone, focus on your strengths that empower you; explore the tasks you need to complete to let go of the overwhelming feelings, and focus on how you have experienced growth because of what happened.”
I can hear one friend saying, “I CAN’T! It seems like only yesterday.” To that friend I say, “The truth is, it’s been more than 10 years. LET IT GO.” You don’t need that “get out of jail free card,” anymore, you have places to go.
AND
“Misery might love company but so does joy, and joy throws much better parties.” Billy Joey
This particular phenomenon is defined as “a situation in which the same usually negative or monotonous experiences occur repeatedly or are felt to occur repeatedly with no change or correction.”
In the movie, Phil (Bill Murray), a weatherman finds himself trapped in a time warp and he is doomed to relive the same day over and over again UNTIL he gets it right.
“If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.” Peter Drucker
Ever felt like you’re reliving an experience over and over again? I have and it is not only a bad feeling but getting off that roller coaster is sometimes hard to do. I’ve asked myself why am I here again? Did I not work through this already? I thought I was heading towards something better but it is the same old runaround and the same old Deja Vu feeling.
“Life is from the inside out. When you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside.” Kamal Ravikant
Perhaps that right there is the problem in a nutshell. I did not shift or change from the inside but was just pretending like it had. According to http://www.boro.ac.uk, the reason can be found in the way our “brain processes information and creates templates that we refer to again and again. The templates are essentially shortcuts, which help us make decisions in the real world. They are known as heuristics and they make us repeat our errors.”
Too complicated? I think so too. Another expert had this to say: “the neural pathways are programmed such that every time we remember a past mistake, the brain heads back down the previous pathway.”
Oh God, this is even worse! I don’t want my brain remembering every mistake I made! The goal is to never repeat those mistakes again. However, no matter how hard I try I feel like the proverbial horse being led to drink from a pond I don’t want to. Perhaps, I have no control over the matter because those mistakes have already been pre-programmed into my inner core and there is nothing I can do about it. If that is the case, it is Groundhog’s Day over and over again. How awful is that?!!
It is time to make some drastic changes. The moral of Groundhog’s Day was:
“If you’re tired of reliving the same day repeatedly, something must change – and it’s up to you.”
According to the experts, if you’re finding yourself in “bad” relationships then recognizing “those past relationship mistakes and patterns can make a big difference in your future.” How do you stop making those same mistakes? Are there certain patterns or specific types who are not good for you?
Here are some problem-solvers:
Make small changes. Humans are creatures of habit and therefore comfortable with what is not necessarily good for us. Change doesn’t happen overnight but breaking those negative patterns one piece at a time might lead you in the right direction.
Practice self-care and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made. Bad relationships can damage your self-esteem so be extra kind and gentle to yourself. Meditate, exercise, do yoga but more importantly take all that wasted energy and dedicate it to yourself.
Give yourself time to heal – don’t jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to heal.
Then there are three basic attachment styles: Insecure-avoidant, Insecure-anxious and Securely attached. The first two struggle and see themselves as being not enough. Both these types struggle with vulnerability. The Securely-attached might have the same problems as the first two but they embrace their vulnerability and are ready to accept and receive comfort, security and safety which helps to quiet the negative voices within them. Unfortunately, I belong to the first two attachment types. All fine and good but how do I outsmart my brain and get rid of that template which keeps bringing me back to the same place over and over again? I know that this is going to be a long process and a hard journey but I am bent on breaking the cycle. It is time to move on and to get it right!
“You are the author of your own story. If you don’t like where this chapter is going, it’s OK to start a new one.”
BUT, I like this one better.
“Life is tough my darling, but so are you.” Stephanie Bennett Henry
It is elusive, it doesn’t always show up and when it does, it may not stay forever. That is a given but still we seek it, we want the feeling that says all is well, we are loved and protected AND we want it to paint our world in colors of the rainbow or whatever color love brings. It doesn’t matter if it looks and feels like cubic zirconia, the shine is all that matters for a while anyways. The problem is, we seek this elusive commodity like a heat seeking missile but a warm willing body is not enough, it needs substance to keep it going and that’s where the iffiness, the wishy-washiness and dead as a doornail comes in.
Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? I’ll guarantee that all of us have at one time or another. I’ve taken that journey many times over. Each time, I tell myself I’ll do better the next time around and each time I watch the worthless relationship go up in flames. I’m like a gardener who had planted seeds and one who is waiting to see what the outcome would be. The hope is that all the care, energy and time would yield a bumper crop but no matter how hard I tried, that plant showed up poorly and died along the way. It got brown and shriveled and no amount of trying to revive it brought signs of life back into it. Yet, I held on because of the invested time, love and energy that had gone into it and I wanted some kind of return when there was none to be had.
It was time to let it go. Put it down to wasted energy, pull it out by the roots and make room for something new to grow. Something which is more conducive and is willing to grow under your care. Bad love like bad seeds are just that, there is no rescuing what doesn’t want to be rescued. Let it go.
Love is defined as, “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” verywellmind.com
If some of those behavior traits are missing and keeps on coming up missing, then you need to step back, reevaluate and weigh the consequences of such a relationship. Do not make an unworthy person a priority in your life and toxic relationships are just that, the poison starts slowly but it spreads quickly. Examples of toxic behavior are cheating and carrying on other relationships while in an ongoing relationship and pretending it is a covert operation. The liars and control freaks need to take a hike and those who show no respect for the person they’re with are a waste of time and space. Add to that the ones who can look you in the eye and swear that nothing is going on when you know otherwise should be shown the door quickly. No time should be wasted on them. If you’ve got one of this cubic zirconia type on your hands, remember life is too short for hoping and wishing, remember you’re a diamond so you have no time and energy to be wasted on fakes. Make room for someone who is willing to thrive in your garden and put yesterday’s mistakes behind you.
“Something I just recently learned was that chased love is not love. If you have to run after it, talk it into staying, remind it of your value, fight alone for the both of you, issue ultimatums, or test it, it is not love. It’s not love, it’s not happiness, it is not fair, it’s not healthy, the only thing it is…..is a waste of time.” Jessica James
I heard someone put it this way as well but not in exactly these words. Why do you have a junk car parked on your property when you’ve got a Ferrari circling your property? Have the wreck towed away and make room for the new, something better at best. Even if there isn’t anyone new on the horizon right now, give it time. In the meantime work on being a worthy person, worthy of love and one who deserves the best as far as love is concerned. Anything less is an absolute no-go!
“Some people will only come into your life to teach you what love is not. And when that happens, I hope you know when to walk away.” F. E. Marie
Harper’s Bazaar defines it as, “signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues.” According to them, these are major red flags and it has no place in a healthy, happy relationship.
True and you deserve a happy, and healthy relationship. However, many play mind games just for the hell of it because it makes them feel good or just for some sick pleasure. Others have made it part and parcel of their dating existence. How do you spot this wolf in sheep’s clothing? Not easy because they disguise themselves as one of the good guys. They look and come across as harmless but in actuality, they have the potential to hurt you badly through their manipulative tactics.
Here are the tell-tale signs. Actually there are 9 of them according to geediting.com but I think there are more of them.
Inconsistent behavior……this one is like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. He’s the nice guy one minute and the next you’ll be wondering what changed. It’s NOT YOU! It’s HIM!
Gaslighting..…a technique used to question your own reality, experiences, or perceptions. If you’re constantly doubting or questioning yourself, you might just be a victim of gaslighting.
They never apologize…..this is one significant part of someone playing mind games. Be aware. Instead of apologizing, they deflect blame onto others.
They make you feel guilty….this is one of the tools master manipulators use to shift power in their favor.
They’re hot and cold…..this tactic is known as “love bombing.” This technique will leave you confused and unsure of where you stand and that’s exactly where they want you.
They make you question your worth…..this is a clear sign that someone is playing mind games. It is used to erode your self-esteem making you dependent on them for validation. It’s a form of control.
They withhold affection as punishment….one minute everything’s great and the next they’re not talking to you. It’s a manipulative technique to gain control and hold the upper hand in the relationship. A harsh method used to get whatever they want.
They make you feel like everything’s your fault….even when it isn’t. You’re the bad person and they come out smelling like a rose. Reassess and move on.
They use your insecurities against you….they know your vulnerabilities and they exploit it to gain power and control.
I’ll add silent treatment to the list above. Master manipulators are pros when it comes to using silent treatment to their advantage. It is used as a form of punishment to make you feel unimportant and anxious so that you scramble to make THEM feel important again which means doing anything they want.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” Unknown
Mind games have no place in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship deserves respect, love, caring AND your well-being matters. If you find yourself going through one of the 9 items listed above over and over again, it’s time to leave the loser behind to his own wiles and move on to someone who will meet you on equal terms and treat you as an equal as well. They’re out there, you just have to weed through the losers to get there but anything is better than a master manipulator.
“Mind games do not make me believe you are mysterious or interesting. Mind games do make me believe you are a waste of my time and energy!” Unknown
AND
“Let’s play kind games instead of mind games.” Unknown
Pathological liars are pros when it comes to lying. It is a way of life for them and these losers are said to have a personality disorder but I think they just enjoy lying and LOVE getting away with it which in turn gives them an adrenaline rush to boot.
Abraham Lincoln said it best:
“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.”
My ex fits the mode perfectly. He lied so much that he forgot which one was the truth and which one was the lie! It became one and the same to him. He eventually got tired of keeping up with all his lies and decided it was time to threw up his hands and call it quits. Coming back to the topic at hand, there are 6 signs of a pathological liar. Probably more, but we’ll stick to these six for now.
“Pathological liars tend to:
Have a lack of empathy.
Focus on basic needs, such as food and money.
Find pleasure and gratification in lying.
Speak in terms of cause-and-effect instead of emotions.
Be cunning and manipulative.
Lie just for the sake of lying. ” Science=People
How do you cope with a pathological liar?
Don’t expect them to admit to a lie because they will stick to their lies even when it’s obvious that they are not telling the truth.
Don’t take it personally. It is not about you, it is a mental disorder or so they say.
Don’t think just because they look you in the eye, they are telling the truth. Most often they can stand on their heads and try to convince you that they are telling you the truth.
Don’t lose your temper because it’s not about you losing control, it just makes them much better liars. There’s no winning with these guys.
Do trust yourself and your intuition.
Do pay attention to their actions rather than their words because after all actions do speak louder than words.
Do set boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you won’t in a relationship not that it matters to these individuals. They are well-versed in the art of lying and somehow getting away with a lie does not phase them as it would a normal individual with a conscience. So be prepared for more of the same or walk away.
“It’s not the lie that bothers me. It’s the insult to my intelligence that I find offensive.” Unknown
That’s exactly it. Most pathological liars think that they are experts when it comes to lying so no one is the wiser for it. However, sometimes they come across those of us who can see right through them and that’s when they fall flat on their lying faces and move on to more fertile territory, the women who love being lied to. Unfortunately, there are plenty of those too.
“You know what’s great about compulsive liars? They keep zero promises and then make YOU feel guilty about it when you’re upset.
I need to master this art.” Unknown
Finally, pathological liars are not worth your effort, time and energy. It takes all of this and more to keep them in line not to mention the eventual heartbreak it brings. There are no long-term with these guys just lots of being on the look out all the time. It is definitely NO fun and definitely not how I want to spend the rest of my life and neither do you I think so keep your eyes and ears wide open and remember if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is probably a LIE!
“How much happier would life be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire!” Unknown
AND
“Secrets and lies kill relationships. No matter how careful you are, you will get caught. What’s done in darkness always comes to light.” Unknown
“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale
How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to give their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning me as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.
Invest in Yourself
This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money in so many materialistic things but in our rush to please ourselves, we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a nail or feet treatment and no, it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.
Invest in your Environment
Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.
Get Rid of the Unwanted
This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.
Say this to yourself and mean it.
“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown
Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life will get easier.
How to be your own best friend:
“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.
Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”
Cry when you need to.
Give yourself a hug.
Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.
Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown
Quite often, we let the people we interact with on a daily basis, the world around us with its idiosyncrasies and events that happen to us interpret how we feel, how we react and how much worth we give it and if we are important or not in the grand scheme of things. I am guilty as charged.
The Dalai Lama said it best, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”
Yet we do it time and time again. Just yesterday, a girlfriend broke up with her so called boyfriend. He was for all purposes a NO-GO as far as I am concerned and it was clear for all to see including her but she is in a difficult place nonetheless. Finding out she was “not important” is a devastating cross to bear even if she saw it coming. Yet, this is nothing new. We hand over how important we are in a relationship to the other person and forget in the process that YOU as a person matter and you define how important you are and what you will stand for and what you won’t put up with.
“When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies and no broken promises.” Unknown
Relationships are hard enough as it is to navigate without having to deal with the “invisible man,” meaning the guy who says he loves you but when it comes down to showing you that you are important, he shows time and again that YOU are an afterthought and as far as the importance scale goes you are on the bottom rung of the ladder. No guessing game needed here. You will know and it is up to you to put yourself front and center and say, enough is enough!
“You are important and you matter.
Your voice matters.
Your life matters.
Your feelings matter.
Your story matters.
ALWAYS.” Unknown
Let me add to that. You as a person matters and don’t take yourself for granted either.
One Day It Just Clicks
“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself.
You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile.
You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Steve Maraboli
Finally,
“Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher.” Unknown
You are well worth the effort and don’t let someone show you otherwise. Your worth is determined by you so stand tall and show the world that YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
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