letsgetitoutfront

I am a Survivor!

“I am a survivor and not a victim. Life isn’t perfect. When you get a knock you have to get up, dust yourself down and get on with it.” Patsy Kensit

Someone said to me the other day that he didn’t think he had that many more years to live and he made it seem like a foregone conclusion and even though we were talking over the phone, I could sense his shoulders slumping and the air of defeat emanating from every pore of his being. Perhaps in his case, he had accepted the inevitable and was calmly looking for that exit door because he was carrying the burden of the past on his back and death would mean letting go and breathing in a sigh of relief.

I disagree with him. I am a survivor and the past has not been kind to me. I’ve survived several tragedies but instead of letting it defeat me, I look for that light at the end of the tunnel and I keep holding on for dear life.

I lost my younger brother when he was in his early twenties. He was found dead and floating in a pond. According to the autopsy report, he had been dead for about two weeks. There were several bruises found on him but the amount of time in the water and decomposition had erased any DNA evidence. It was classified as a cold case. He was a handsome young man with his whole life ahead of him but somewhere things had gone wrong and his life came to a standstill. I was his protector and I played big sister to the hilt during our growing up years but life took us in different directions later on and I lost track of what he was doing. When I heard about what had happened, my world came crumbling down. I went into deep mourning thinking I should have been there for him. The grief took hold and refused to let go. It took a long time to come to terms with his death but somehow I found the strength within to stand back up, dust off and keep on moving.

A few years later, the murder of my mom took place. Life can’t be doing this again I screamed. I wore sackcloth and ashes and watched as life passed me by again. It took more than a year before I could say goodbye, pick up the reins of my life and move on. Life as they say goes on no matter what.

As if that wasn’t enough, my marriage of 17 years fell apart. I was broken by now. I was like a bird with no wings. Living wasn’t the word for it. I was barely existing.

Then an angel walked into my life. He picked me up, dusted me off and held me close. Flying without wings was not possible but with his help, I started taking off. Just when I thought I was safe, life decided that I hadn’t learned the lessons it threw down my path. Another lesson was on its way. This time I would play a major role. It was a year of walking beside someone who was dying. I watched and rallied around this angel of mine. When he moved on, I was there and I said my goodbyes holding my head up high. Once again, I was a bird without wings but this time around I knew the path well. I had to pick myself back up, wipe the tears away and keep on moving knowing full well that life will have something else in store for me. It is what life does but it is up to us to learn the lessons it wants us to learn whatever that lesson is.

I have survived two murders, a divorce and the loss of a dear friend and partner. Friends say I am a strong person but I tell myself they don’t know the hell I had to go through to get here. Going from just merely existing to living again takes guts, it takes strength but most of all a will to live in spite of everything. It is not easy. There are days when the memories of what was overwhelms and I have to work extra hard to keep on moving down that path. Then there are days when I am at peace knowing that I have endured more than most and I am still standing to face another day. One thing I do know is that surviving leaves scars, they may fade with time but the scarring will remain as reminders of the battle that was fought to stay alive, to accept what was and to say, “I can do this!” and walk without looking back. However, the questions of why still remain.

“Survival can be summed up in three words, NEVER GIVE UP. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying.” Bear Grylls.

2023 – 2024

It’s here, the last day of another year. I’m down with a bad cold so there is no other option but to stay home alone and see the New Year’s in with no drumroll and no fanfare. It will be a quiet New Year’s Eve.

Looking back 2023 was a moment in time which brought me to a standstill. I felt like I was wading through mud and not going anyway. I was still in the mourning phase of having lost someone very close to me. Suddenly I found myself stumbling all over the place and every path I took brought me back to square one. I wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted to run back to where it was safe but unfortunately the safe zone was no longer there, only the remnants of a beautiful friendship. Moving on is hard because grieving has a mind of its own. Just when I thought I was making process I would hear him whisper, “Can I walk with you?” and I would answer without hesitation, “Sure take my hand,” as we took the familiar paths we used to walk when he was there.

Between grieving and finding my way again I went down the rabbit hole many times. I guess that is what happens when you don’t know where you’re headed. The dating game is not an easy one to navigate especially when you’ve got one foot back there and one in front which is precisely what I was doing. Then I came across this quote which gave me a fresh perspective on finding love again.

“The best advice I’ve gotten was: The signs you ignore in the beginning just end up being the reasons you leave later. You know right away who’s good for you and who’s bad for you. Don’t ignore that.” tinybuddha.com

Afterall Buddha knows best right? However, my heart was beating in a different direction altogether. I saw the signs, the danger signals and the do not advance signs plain and clear but unfortunately my one foot that was placed strategically back in yesterday told me that I might just find what I had left behind again. So I fell, got hurt and bayed at the moon for failing to find love again when I had only myself to blame.

Here we are looking at another new year looming ahead. What will it bring? I told a friend this morning that I wish I had a crystal ball but crystal balls could work both ways so it is better to leave it well alone. This year there will be no resolutions made. I am winging it. Remember the leap of faith I took not too long ago? Well, I am still on that path to somewhere. It just happens to be a long and winding road with many off ramps along the way. I hear them calling my name and begging me to get off. It is tempting and at times when my feet gets heavy and I need a break that’s when those off ramps become very tempting. NO! It is not an option. I am on a journey of self-discovery. Putting one foot in front of the other makes it easier because looking up makes that mountain before me insurmountable. It’s within me I tell myself, the strength, the willingness and the ability to reach my goals. Hey and if you’re there at the end of my journey holding out your hands to me, I might just take them but be prepared because I’ll be stronger, more capable and “wishy washy” will not do it anymore.

“As you say goodbye to 2023, and welcome the year 2024, may happiness follow you always.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

An Eye for an Eye?

UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres has said that the Hamas attacks of October 7 “did not happen in a vacuum.” This caused an uproar in Israel and they accused him of justifying terrorism. According to Guterres, “The Palestinian people have been subjected to 56 years of suffocating occupation.”

Amnesty International in its report published on February 1, 2022 states that, “Israel enforces a system of oppression and domination against the Palestinian people whenever it has control over their rights.” Furthermore, it goes on to add that “massive seizures of Palestinian land and property, unlawful killings, forcible transfer, drastic movement restrictions and the denial of nationality and citizenship to Palestinians are all components of a system which amounts to apartheid and international law.”

Agnes Callamard, Amnesty International’s Secretary General states that their report puts the spotlight on the true extent of Israel’s apartheid regime. ”Whether they live in Gaza, East Jerusalem and the rest of the West Bank, or Israel itself, Palestinians are treated as an inferior racial group and systematically deprived of their rights. We found that Israel’s cruel policies of segregation, dispossession and exclusion across all territories under its control clearly amount to apartheid. The international community has an obligation to act.” In another report published on October 20, 2023, Amnesty International had this to say, “For 16 years, Israel’s illegal blockade has made Gaza the world’s biggest open-air prison – the international community must act now to prevent it becoming a giant graveyard.”

Since the attack on Israel by Hamas on October 7, 2023, the death toll has amounted to 1,200 people. However, the death toll in Palestine since Israel started its bombing raids of the Gaza strip has caused the death of almost 20,000 Palestinians, this according to BBC. Israel has “dropped more than 29,000 bombs on Gaza and 40-45% of these were unguided.” Furthermore, women and children make up about 70% of those who have been killed during the conflict. On the 3rd of November, it was stated that out of the 24,173 injured, 8,067 were children, 5,960 women and 10,146 men. According to Unicef, “Gaza is now the most dangerous place in the world to be a child.”

Israel says its goal is to destroy Hamas but when asked how many Hamas members have been killed, IDF says, “it does not have an exact number on the number of Hamas terrorists killed.” Indiscriminate bombing of an area where tensions have been running high for a very long time and calling it collateral damage is no justification for the massive amount of force used. By the way, collateral damage is defined as, “injury inflication on something other than an intended target; specifically: civilian casualties of a military operation.

UN states that Hamas may have committed a war crime through its indiscriminate killing of hundreds of “noncombatants, including children and the abduction of about 200 others as hostages and human shields in Gaza” but on the same token, UN is saying Israel maybe committing the war crime of collective punishment.

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu has said, “If you want peace, destroy Hamas. If you want security, destroy Hamas. If you want a future for Israel, the Palestinians, the Middle East, destroy Hamas.” Israel has come up with a three prong strategy to destroy Hamas. First try and kill or capture Hamas’s leadership. Second, shatter Hamas’s power and lastly counter Hamas’s idealogy. Will that eradicate Hamas? Cutting off the snake’s head might work for a little while but it has a tendency to sprout wings and come back in another shape and form.

All that aside the metaphor, “an eye for an eye” which is defined as, “the punishment for a criminal or wrongdoer should be the same as the crime or misdeed.” In this case where Israel is concerned, they’ve got the “eye” and much much more. Perhaps it all boils down to what is an Israeli’s life worth when compared to that of a Palestinian. Therein lies your answer. Using “war” as a guise to defeat Hamas but indiscriminately bombing Gaza to the ground and killing thousands of Gazans in the process won’t bring about peace either. Here is the other question, does Israel’s use of oppression make it right? Apartheid doesn’t work, has never worked and will never work. Two wrongs do not make a right!

Into the Unknown

I opened my mailbox this morning and there was this message from my son. It said, “Mom, I am really stressed about all this job stuff and etc.” Basically, he was saying, he was afraid of the path looming before him. The path we have all been on when school comes to an end and it is time to pick up the reins of your own life. This unknown path is wrought with stumbling blocks, disappointments, fear and unseen monsters both big and small and he will have to do battle to get to where he wants to go and that is hard for a young man to understand. Success will be waiting but only if he puts in the hard work. He will be stepping into the real world.

While sipping my coffee, I wondered how I should respond. Oh yes, he knows that I love him and that I am there for him and will be there every step of the way because I am his biggest fan but knowing that is still not going to make it easy for him. He is on his own as far as getting on the path and putting one foot in front of the other. There will be disappointments in the form of rejections which will make him want to question his self-worth and times when he will want to throw up his hands and give up. It is all part and parcel of the journey he will have to take. So what do you tell a young man who is looking back at yesterday when life was made easy for him.

I was there when he woke up crying because he was afraid of the boogeyman. I was there when he got his first bloody knee and putting a bandaid made it all alright again. I was there when he needed picking up in the early morning hours after a late night party. I was there for all of life’s big and small events and when a bandaid and being there made it all ok. So here we are in the here and now.

I knew that the leap into the unknown would be his alone. He had training wheels on yesterday but today and in the here and now, he HAS TO GO IT ALONE. I will still be there in the shadows cheering him on and I will always be his biggest fan as I have always been. I will be standing at the finish line waving him on but he has to take this journey alone. I hope the lessons he has learned along the way will push him towards the end goal. Getting a job, standing on his own two feet and taking responsibility for his life is just the beginning, the very beginning of this journey called life.

So I wrote back giving him advice on how to navigate life. Life lessons from my own experiences added to the message but it was clear, he had no choice. He had to get on the path and get moving. ”Do the work, the hard work and YOU WILL GET THERE!”

Bandaids are a thing of the past. Holding his hand is too but being a parent never ends and as he stares into the unknown, I will be there every step of the way cheering him on and that my dear son is the bandaid in another form.

“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” Robin S. Sharuna

Love Always

More than a year has passed since we said our goodbyes. Another year is coming to an end and perhaps before too long the memories will start to fade as it always does with time.

Every journey has a beginning, middle and an end it has been said and I met you in the middle of mine. Fresh out of a divorce with both wings clipped, I wasn’t looking for anyone special. It was too soon. I needed time to heal and I knew it was going to take forever.

You walked in like a breath of fresh air. Tall and handsome with your Irish good looks of reddish blond hair and green eyes which made me take notice. I moved cautiously but you took the lead and before too long “forevers” became a part of the conversation from your end. I kept my distance because I sensed something just wasn’t right.

The friendship flourished. You became the wind beneath my wings and I slowly but surely learned to fly again. We were the best of friends and I became your priority. You were there every step of the way, through the good and sad times and each time I took a dive you were there to pick me up. You never asked for anything in return. It was a joy filled time of laughter shared, hugs, caring and love of course but when I found the secret you were hiding mine changed to love of a friend but yours remained steadfast. I was your girl and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Last year, the secret you were hiding took your life. You were a full-blown alcoholic and as your body slowly started shutting down, we knew the end was near. I stood by you, held your hand and we talked of death and the inevitable. You didn’t want to leave but it was out of your hands and there was nothing anyone could do.

I watched as the once tall and well-built guy with the lean and tough physique become someone else. You aged overnight. Your gait became slow and unsteady, your face scrawny with loose hanging skin and your physique changed to that of an old man. I kept the tears at bay as I rallied around you and became your one man army. I remember the last time I saw you. Your body was pumped full of morphine and you were staring into space. I walked into the room and suddenly you smiled and said, “I like you with your hair down,” and then floated away. I stood watching as they laid you on the bed and your eyes turned to me. It felt as if you wanted to say something but I’ll never know what. The next morning they told me you were gone. I stood in the garden and watered the roses you loved.

They say the good die young. I believe that you were an angel sent down to help me. I also know why you crammed so much into that short space of time. Your time was short here on earth. I want you to know that I felt safe within the cocoon you spun around me.

Today I was going through your phone and found the messages you wrote to me. Your day began and ended with me. “Good morning lovely,” and “Good night lovely,” were the messages you sent and you never missed a day until you couldn’t do it anymore, your fingers were too swollen and you couldn’t type anymore.

After the divorce, I felt ugly and thought of myself as being ugly. They say beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and I want you to know that you made me feel beautiful again.

I remember your kindness.

I remember the way your face would light up when you saw me.

I remember the things you did to show you cared.

I remember the walks, the laughter and the quiet times shared together.

I remember the quiet evenings spent infront of the TV as you rubbed my feet.

I remember the numerous calls made from your office just to ask, “How are you doing babe?”

Most of all, I remember I was loved.

Thank you for the love you showed me.

Thank you for showing me that I was special.

Thank you for taking care of me.

Thank you for the sunshine filled days.

Most of all, thank you for being you.

You will be a hard act to follow.

Fly high with the angels for your work on earth is done and the pain is forever gone.

Love Always

LIES

We’ve heard this quote before, one that puts the spotlight on lies and lying and keeps it there. It goes like this.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!” Sir Walter Scott (1808)

According to Mark T. Edmead, it means that “when you act dishonestly, you are initiating problems, and a domino structure of complications, which will eventually run out of control.”

Yet we all lie or have told lies in one form or another. It has become a pastime for some us and for others a way of life. Some may be viewed as harmless in the grand scheme of things but in the long run, it changes and takes on a different persona, one that could destroy and cause tremendous harm. The basic ones such as “white lies” are the least serious of all lies. However, after time white lies tend to lose their credibility and reappear as black ones if used often enough. The difference between the two? White lies are told to please someone and carries very little dishonesty whereas the opposite is done to gain personal benefit by telling black ones. It is meant to harm while protecting oneself.

Let’s look at some of the other forms of lies. I will concentrate on just a few, the ones that are everyday fare for the seasoned liar.

Dawson McAllister of TheHopeLine has pinpointed many different forms but here are the ones that hit close to home.

Bold Face Lies

It is “telling something that everyone knows is a lie. As we get older, we try to be more clever with our cover-ups. Some people never grow up and deal with their bold-faced lying even though others know what they are saying is completely false.”

Lies of Deception

This type might seem harmless and at first, some might even call it “white lies” but in actuality it can be used as a “powerful and hurtful tool. It can be very subtle yet deadly.”

Compulsive Lying

It has been said that “compulsive lying is caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better. It is more than ridiculous, it is a tragedy.”

This is the kind I am most used to. I was married to someone who didn’t think twice about the lies that came out of his mouth. Once he realized that his “lies” had power to detract and deceive they the “lies” became a way of life for him. I was on the receiving end and it hurt and brought me down to my knees but compulsive liars will not acknowledge or see the destruction it causes instead they will find bigger and better ways to get their lies across AND claim it is the truth and nothing but the truth. I used to say, “one day you are going to cry wolf and no one will come to your rescue.”

“Only cry wolf when the wolf is really there, otherwise you risk losing everyone’s trust.” Unknown

I have met many liars since then. Perhaps because I was in a vulnerable state in my life. Since I started on this journey I am on, I am learning that I am more than I used to be. There is strength within this small frame of mine. Calling on all liars, please be aware. I am no longer your stepping stone and I can spot you a mile away!

“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

Nicely said but I like this one better.

“You can dish it out but you can’t take it when your called on it. Grow some balls and own up to your lies.” Unknown

Enough said……

TRUST

A series on Getting Back on Track

“There are two reasons why we don’t trust people.

First – we don’t know them.

Second – we know them. Unknown

The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? So today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”

Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it.

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann

It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”

Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it only took seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.

As I round a bend in the path I am taking today all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere. ”Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown

I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling if you will that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” infront of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.

Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, “Even if I had caught you in the act, you would jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown

Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack. ”I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown. If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.

The sun is starting to peek out and today, well today is going to be an amazing day.

I am moving on……

When Life Was Simple

A Series on Getting Back on Track

“Things to Remember”

Eat regularly (and well)

Get enough sleep

Sometimes being a bitch is necessary

Stop talking and listen

Don’t take anyone’s shit

Things WILL get better

If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life – they don’t deserve to be there.

It only ends once, everything else is just progress.

A good cup of tea can solve just about anything.

Stick to your guns.

Impromptu solo dance parties are good for your health.

Spend time with the people who matter the most.

I remember a time when life was simple. Having my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground was a daily and joyous norm for me. Twirling on my toes, watching clouds go by on my back and chasing rainbows and dreams was what life was about way back when I was young and life was simple.

Splashing in duck puddles on a rainy day with only the ducks for company was absolute heaven. Covered in mud from head to toe and looking like a gypsy was a badge I wore with pride. Talking to unseen beings who only existed in my mind didn’t matter because it made life simple.

Chasing rainbow colored fish in a dirty stream made it the absolute highlight of my day and when I had a few wriggling in my hands with the sunlight reflecting off their multi-hued bodies made it even more so. Boys….hmm….boys were of no importance except as buddies. They did not have the power to touch my heart but that was way back when things were simple and I had wings.

Dancing in the rain, jumping over puddles of water and squealing with laughter meant I was one with nature. Anger, hurt and pain were unknown in a life where nothing mattered except for the magic I created within myself. Joy was an everyday occurrence but it became a thing of the past. It was way back when things were simple. I am a grown-up now.

Adulthood is defined as or means that, “they are an adult or that they behave in a responsible way.”

Someone asked me not too long ago why I couldn’t behave the same way. The answer is simple. Grown-ups or adults behave in a specific way. Propriety demands that I “conform to what is socially acceptable in conduct or speech.”

Going back to the quote I started out with, I will choose a few I can live with.

“Sometimes being a bitch is necessary.” This is an alien concept to me as being a “bitch” is way beyond my grasp of being a good person. Lately, I am learning that it is a necessary step to where I want to get to in my journey of life. A bitch is applied to a woman and defined as “someone, who is belligerent, unreasonable, malicious, controlling, aggressive or dominant.” Perhaps I need to apply this concept on my way to arriving at my end goal. Life is not that simple anymore.

“If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life – they don’t deserve to be there.” This is a hard one. Where once “men” were of no consequence, growing up means learning to deal with this species. If you thought women were difficult to comprehend, try dealing with this group! The end point is, if they can’t be bothered to be in your life and every effort is just lukewarm or worse cold then it is time to put your “bitch” shoes on and move on. Life is too short and neither is it just in black and white. It is complicated enough as it is and perhaps we make it more complicated. It boils down to, if you can’t make an effort, it is time for you to go.

Last but not least, “Spend time with people who matter most.” These are people who show up when times are tough. The ones who are not just “fair weather friends” but who are there without being asked. Get rid of the liars, the ones who have lying built into their DNA, this is a necessary step in making your life simple again. Liars are not worthy of your time and space because they say one thing and behave as if you don’t matter. Walk and don’t look back!

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Hans Hofmann

Looks easy enough doesn’t it but believe me it is not. You can get back to the basics. You can still dance in the rain, imagine yourself splashing in puddles and envision yourself in a much simpler time and place. Truth is it takes imagination, hard work, determination and courage to get back to that place of simplicity. Complicated is just in your mind.

On the Way

A Series on Getting Back on Track

Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree. ”What road do I take?” The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

“So long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

I had taken the all important step a few days ago. Standing on that cliff top I jumped hoping to fly because the voice in my head kept saying, “Don’t be afraid of falling, you can’t stay, you need to go. You can’t be where you are and anywhere is better than where you’re at now.” I was staring at a brick wall that refused to give way no matter how I pushed. But then again, there is nothing to be had from drinking from an empty cup. The survival mode kicked in and I knew (I) not someone else, had to take the reins of my own life and do something, anything. I needed to GO!

Go within yourself, I heard it scream. It is within myself that I have found the strength in times past. When the murder of my mum took place, I screamed, “I can’t! I am filled with rage and anger. I want to kill!” No, the miraculous recovery and the coming to terms did not take place overnight. Yes, I wore sackcloth and ashes for a long time and my feet stopped moving. My life had come to a standstill. A year later I was still shaking my fist at the wind until a tiny voice brought me back to earth. It was the voice of my six or maybe five year old, I am bad with time, who said, “Grandma is in heaven mommy.” I had forgotten about him in my day to day existence of wanting revenge and vengeance. I knew, I knew that I was holding on to something or someone I couldn’t bring back. My mom was gone, her time on earth was short for whatever the reason. I was still hanging on and I needed to let GO! Leaving the sadness, anger, heartache and fear behind was hard, very very hard but the choices were simple or so it seemed. GO or STAY and fight a losing battle. So I went. A short while later, I took the leap off that cliff. Did I fly? No, it took small steps, very small steps but eventually I did make it out of my misery. The day I said, RIP mom was when I realized I had arrived. I felt my wings take flight again.

Divorce came next. It started with his infidelity but perhaps it started long before that. Tragedy has a tendency to destory if you let it and I did. I was so busy caught up in wanting revenge that I stopped living. Nothing existed but that tiny world of being consumed with hate towards someone I didn’t know, hadn’t seen but who had turned into a giant because I had given her that power. Instead of relegating her to where she belonged because she had taken a life, I gave her power over my life just as when she stood over my mother and took hers. I had hit rock bottom. It hurt and it hit hard. This time around it took longer. As usual, blame steps in wearing bells and wanting to pin the blame tag on someone. The truth of the matter is perhaps both parties are to blame. That said, I am not saying that infidelity is alright. Absolutely not! When one cheats or makes the choice to cheat, it is either temptation has taken over or they don’t care about the consequences and you as the significant other did not matter anymore. Whatever the case maybe, I was back on the cliff top, and I knew I had to jump and GO! If I stayed, I would be crawling for the rest of my life because my wings had been clipped. I took off but unfortunately I landed with a thud! Those wings needed time to grow back and I had to do the work. It seemed so unfair. Again there was no miraculous recovery. I went deep within myself and I did some drastic rebuilding. My self-esteem, my confidence and my belief system had all taken a beating and that is putting it mildly. No more crying 24/7, no more letting go of myself and my looks had suffered too. Small steps I told myself, some days I didn’t see the progress but I kept on until one day I realized that my wings were sprouting again.

That was a few years back. As humans we tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. So here I am back to square one again. Like Alice, I don’t know where I want to go just so long as I get myself away from here. But as the cat said, you just have to keep walking to get to that SOMEWHERE. Is that what I want? Just somewhere? Perhaps I’ve been doing it all wrong. I don’t want to end up just somewhere because I would be back here again at some later point in time. I want a destination. This time around just an overhaul isn’t going to do it. I need to change my mindset. I needed to keep going for as long as it takes but I need to put in the work along the way as well. I know I will have setbacks and fear, my biggest enemy, will make me stumble but if I keep going, one step at a time I might just get to where I need to be. ”It is going to be a long journey so be prepared” says that little voice. ”You’ll want to run back to where you began” but that ship has sailed and scaling back up the cliff is a no go so I have to keep going on the path I’ve chosen.

How long will it take? I don’t know that is the scary part. I also know deep within that when I arrive I’ll be ready to fly again.

“Take a leap of faith. You will either land somewhere new or learn to fly.” Kandyse McClure

Trump’s Mein Kampf

The man with the unruly haircut and the orange face has decided to take it one step further. How better to garner attention and to bolster support from like-minded individuals than to invoke the name of the most hated man on the planet. Adolf Hitler’s manifesto, “Mein Kampf,” provided the stepping stone for Nazi Germany and ultimately led to the murder of more than 6 million Jews in the Holocaust.

Trump insists he has never read the book. Does Orange Jesus have a hidden love affair with the deceased Adolf Hitler? On December 19, 2023, Trump spoke at a campaign event in Waterloo, Iowa telling the crowd gathered there that immigrants are “poisoning the blood” of America echoing Hitler’s language used to describe his enemies. Then the man, Trump, who is known for speaking from both ends went on to say, “It’s true. They’re destroying the blood of the country, they’re destroying the fabric of our country and we’re going to have to get them out!” When he was president, he asked his chief of staff, retired Marine Corps Gen. John Kelly, “Why can’t you be like the German generals?” Kelly responded by saying, Nazi generals “tried to kill Hitler three times and almost pulled it off.” Did it sink in? Obviously not! Later, he boasted that German Chancellor Angela Merkel had told him there was “only one leader in history who had attracted crowds as large as Trump.” He went on to say, “She told me she was amazed at the size of the crowds that came to see me speak. She told me that there was only other political leader who ever got crowds as big as mine.”

Huh?!! You do know she was talking about Hitler right? Perhaps the orange paste you slater on your face and the accumulated wax buildup in your ears has altered your sense of reality or more specifically your sense of right and wrong. Is Trump a dictator-in-training? According to Seth Meyers, Trump has changed his opinions on almost everything but for one thing. ”He used to be pro-choice, now he’s anti-abortion. He used to be for gun control, now he’s against it. But the one thing he’s been consistent on his entire life is his support for dictators.” He has a long standing love affair for them. Meyers went on to say, “Trump has been very clear that in the second term he will aspire to be a dictator by using the language of dictators.” Oh what lofty aspirations that is. Someone should tell him that the world does not speak the language of dictators or neither does it take kindly to it except for a few.

Whether he has read Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” is not the question here. If you are echoing Hitler every time you open your mouth, IS! Orange Jesus instigated the January 6th insurrection. In a 70-minute address he pleaded and cajoled his supporters to march on Congress and the attack began just moments after he took the applause. Perhaps the more appropriate question might be, does he have a little Hitler running around inside him just busting to get out? Mein Kampf translated means my struggle and perhaps that folks is the real problem here.

Is is not about the size of his hands, his orange persona or the words he uses over and over again like HUGE, GREAT or whatever else he deems fit. It is about what he will bring to the table, the presidential table. Is he a moderate? That’s a big no. Is he a dictator in the making? What do you think?