“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Anne Lamott
Exactly what I need today! I need to unplug and let the restlessness go for a while at least. I have this heavy feeling I’m carrying around and I know why. What to do about it is the question and I have no clear-cut answers. I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill but what if it is not a molehill?
Perhaps, the restlessness arises from three days of not sleeping like I should. I kept tossing and turning and was up at around 2 in the morning and stayed awake listening to the sounds outside and with my eyes wide open! Chachi, the cat doesn’t understand it but he knows something is up. He’s not called Einstein for nothing! Chachi usually wakes me up in the mornings but now he waits in his bed and doesn’t budge even when I head downstairs. The poor guy still refuses to go in the kitchen. This morning I left to go get some things done and left him in his bed by the window in the kitchen. I came back to find him exactly where I had left him and when I picked him up and brought him out of the kitchen, he shot upstairs. Since then, he has been staying on the first floor. Something is up.
It could just be my imagination and I have a tendency to let things bug me. Fear is my companion and it doesn’t make the situation any better. To make matters worse, the weather has taken a turn for the worse and it is drizzly and gray. I decided to get out and head for the fields. There was nothing much going on out there and it was quiet and still. I needed that. Walking out there for 30 minutes gave me the “unplugging” I needed to calm my mind and to soothe my restless spirit.
I still have no answers to my problem. However, I’m sure it will sort itself out one way or another. I hope it blows away and peace returns. Sooner than later!
Recognize her? I do. I was like her, one of the “walking dead.” We walk the earth as living, breathing human beings but inside, we are dead as a doornail. We are the ones who can’t let go and the ones who hold on to a past that had us in its grip in more ways than one. The ones who believed that love was forever and when it broke apart, we died inside.
I was that person. My eyes smiled but the inside was a cold and barren place. There was an iciness that no fire could thaw and no love could set ablaze. It was done and I moved slowly taking each day as it came, the guardian of a heart that no longer beat even though it was alive.
It took some time, a long time before I felt the thaw. Life was slowly being breathed back into me again. I don’t know what changed, I only know that I wasn’t afraid to embrace the unknown and I was ready to move forward, slowly but surely.
Then he walked in. We clicked immediately. My insides screamed that I knew him and I knew him well. I put it down to the similar experiences we had shared. He was a world traveler and we could talk for hours about a lot of things. Or could it be the gentle way he looked at me or even the way his hand would reach for mine when I wasn’t expecting it. Sometimes he would reach out and stroke my cheek or even the way we could sit for hours side by side without saying a word but feeling at home there. There was something about him that tugged at my heart. Could it be that he was hiding secrets my heart didn’t see? It was a dance of getting close, and moving apart. It was lovely, chaotic and beautiful all rolled into one. Those feelings I had left behind were front and center again and after having been in the desert of nothingness, I was coming alive with him by my side.
Then one day, he said those words. The ones that made my heart skip a beat. “I LOVE YOU.” It wasn’t said in haste or as an afterthought and it seemed genuine enough but the next day, I would know why he had seemed familiar. He was one of the “walking dead.” When he realized that the feelings he had let die was now taking hold, he ran. I was ready but he wasn’t. We would carry on this dance of reaching out and pulling back, of wanting more but we knew that it was a fire that could sear if we let it burn. We went our separate ways only to return time after time. “We always keep coming back to each other and you’ve always been the one.” Those were his words.
A few weeks ago, he called and we talked, strangers once again. “I need to figure this out,” he said, his voice tinged with confusion. I understood it well. I had been there not too long ago. When he uttered those three little words, I knew that it would be just a matter of time before he would run in a different direction, one that didn’t involve feelings, this much thinking and one that wouldn’t include me. Love is scary when you’ve experienced the destruction it can bring.
I have a tendency to excuse bad behavior and this was more than that. He was unavailable and instead of staying in his lane, he crossed over. Luckily, I had been on my journey of self-discovery for some time and even though it hurt, it didn’t destroy me because I was emerging as a much stronger person than where I had started from.
This thing called love wears many faces and sometimes it hurts like hell. It is also not a, “one size fits all” kind of thing. It has its quirks, it has its ways and sometimes just when you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, it pulls the rug from under you. There’s no rhyme or reason for why this happens and there are no guarantees. Perhaps, it’s because some of us love too hard and go all in only to find that when love leaves with no goodbyes, we die a sudden death, one that leaves you breathing but dead inside.
I think that the hardest personal goal I’ve set for myself is to decide that I want “better” and to do something about it. I call it “the journey.”
It has been a hard one and progress has been slow and at times it seems like I’m standing still at one spot and not moving at all. At other times, I think I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see some improvement but it’s not enough. Yes, that is impatience showing up and thumping its nose at me! Honestly, there has been improvements.
I’m at a point where I can say “no” to things I don’t want. I move when I see something unsavory reaching out for me and I no longer let sympathy take over and say, “Give the poor guy a chance.” I used to and that was a big mistake right there. These days, I walk and don’t look back.
This journey has been hard but I won’t give up until I make it to the other side of here. I’ll know when I get there. The thing is to get back on trek after taking a break and to keep on moving. This one is going to test my patience, my peace of mind, my strength and most of all my resilience. It is ongoing so let’s see what happens.
Daily writing prompt
What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?
Three sleepless nights later and he is back at it again! Today I received a message that started out with, “Fear is….” I didn’t bother to go in and look at the rest. Chachi, the cat is still afraid to go to the kitchen area. I’m not sure why. It’s as if he senses something and is afraid. A friend, a German, told me that it is the same here as it is stateside, the police won’t do anything until something happens! I hope this guy, whoever he is, gives up and leaves me alone!
It started two days ago. A message popped up on my phone and I listened to it. It was a guy reciting a love letter. I didn’t pay it mind as I thought he had sent the message to the wrong person. On the same day, I got several other messages all in the same vein.
It was time to get a little nervous. There was no name but there was a pic, darkened and I couldn’t make out his features. The day after, I got a few more messages all talking about love. Now, all kinds of “stuff” started showing up in my head. I had been a victim of a stalker many years ago and that guy kept me captive psychologically and the after-effects are still felt today in the way I react to the world around me. The thing is, I am across the pond so it couldn’t be the same guy.
Anyway, yesterday I received a message in the morning that said, “Hi Tia, LOVE OF MY LIFE!” I froze. Who is this person? So I answered, “What?!!! Who are you?” No answer. Then silence. Later in the day, I got this, “This is goodbye, this is the last message.” It had a broken heart emoji attached to it.
Wow! He got my attention and how! I double-locked the doors, made sure all the shatters were down and everything was in a shutdown mode! Then I locked the bedroom door and placed something behind it. As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep well at all and every little noise had me jumping. To make matters worse, Chachi, the cat, came down this morning and refused to go into the kitchen. He kept sniffing at a corner. I looked around but there was nothing that looked different. Nothing from the guy until a few minutes ago. It said, “Hi Tia, cheating is hurtful and only people of low intelligence do that.”
I agreed with him but then it dawned on me that the message was aimed at me! What is he going on about?!! I looked outside my front door but there was nothing. I did a walk around the house outside and no signs of any tampering.
However, this is scary stuff. What am I going to do about it? I really don’t know. I’ll have to see how this progresses but tonight I will do the same. Make sure everything is locked down and have the phone close to me just in case!
I have so many of them, however, I will go with the ones I listen to the most right now.
Kathy Melua
I love her brand of music, it is soft and easy to listen to. Her voice is one of a kind and I often listen to her when I’m relaxing. Here are some of my favorites.
The Closest Thing to Crazy
Nine Million Bicycles
Wonderful Life
Country Music
Luke Combs (Crazy Beautiful)
Darius Rucker (If I Told You)
Thomas Rhett (Angels Don’t Always Have Wings)
Coldplay
Fix You
Something Just Like This
I can come up with so many more but these are my favorite artists and I listen to them all the time. Oops, I forgot one more.
Teddy Swims
I like his voice a lot and his albums are great to listen to as well.
I find that this book trailer is a lot better than the last one. The review below says that the book, “generally receives positive reviews,” so that is alright I guess. How is the book really doing? I don’t have a clue! Whoever is doing the reviews, thank you and keep it coming!
“The Excellent Adventures of Honey and Hubie,” generally receives positive reviews, with customers highlighting its teaching of friendship and the capture of young imaginations through a magical world. The book is described as a “wild ride into a magical world of colorful characters” that is especially appealing to young readers.
It has been said that laughter is good for you. According to the MayoClinic people, it can: “Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Activate and relieve your stress response.”
That said, it lifts up your face, puts a happy smile on your whole being and on days like today when nothing much is happening and it is cloudy and windy outside, it helps to bump up your mood.
Here are some quotes to get you laughing and put a smile on your face as it did on mine.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Woman’s Day
This is one of my favorite pastimes. It is my way to relax and to entertain myself.
I’ve always loved watching clouds go by and as a young girl I used to watch them for hours on end. Sometimes with friends and often alone. The game was to make out what they looked like. I mostly saw angels while my friends came up with some doozies!
I think that the young girl is still within me. Some days I can sit outside for hours on end and just watch as I see the angels floating by! During my walks, I do the same thing. Of course, the fields are a perfect place to cloud watch!
It is relaxing, soothing, calming and a great way to reel back an overactive mind and to give it some breathing space!
It started two days ago. A message popped up on my phone and I listened to it. It was a guy reciting a love letter. I didn’t pay it mind as I thought he had sent the message to the wrong person. On the same day, I got several other messages all in the same vein.
It was time to get a little nervous. There was no name but there was a pic, darkened and I couldn’t make out his features. The day after, I got a few more messages all talking about love. Now, all kinds of “stuff” started showing up in my head. I had been a victim of a stalker many years ago and that guy kept me captive psychologically and the after-effects are still felt today in the way I react to the world around me. The thing is, I am across the pond so it couldn’t be the same guy.
Anyway, yesterday I received a message in the morning that said, “Hi Tia, LOVE OF MY LIFE!” I froze. Who is this person? So I answered, “What?!!! Who are you?” No answer. Then silence. Later in the day, I got this, “This is goodbye, this is the last message.” It had a broken heart emoji attached to it.
Wow! He got my attention and how! I double-locked the doors, made sure all the shatters were down and everything was in a shutdown mode! Then I locked the bedroom door and placed something behind it. As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep well at all and every little noise had me jumping. To make matters worse, Chachi, the cat, came down this morning and refused to go into the kitchen. He kept sniffing at a corner. I looked around but there was nothing that looked different. Nothing from the guy until a few minutes ago. It said, “Hi Tia, cheating is hurtful and only people of low intelligence do that.”
I agreed with him but then it dawned on me that the message was aimed at me! What is he going on about?!! I looked outside my front door but there was nothing. I did a walk around the house outside and no signs of any tampering.
However, this is scary stuff. What am I going to do about it? I really don’t know. I’ll have to see how this progresses but tonight I will do the same. Make sure everything is locked down and have the phone close to me just in case!
It marches in with wet boots, ruffled hair and a “I don’t care attitude!” Time to blow the leaves off the trees, turn whatever remains into a palette of breathtaking colors and to brush everything with a golden light when the rain leaves and takes a break.
Saturday was that kind of day. Wet, windy, gloomy and miserable and yet there was a certain kind of magic in the air. A heralding of things to come. One of beauty in a subdued manner.
MG Mason in his piece, “Writing the Seasons: Autumn” describes it beautifully as he captures the essence of fall through his words.
“It is getting colder and darker; leaves are falling from the trees. There is a chill in the air overnight, frost on the ground in the morning, mist and fog in the air. Dry, dead leaves crunch beneath your feet and clouds appear when you breathe out. There is still a lingering warmth but always a constant reminder of the cold to come.”
Fall has its moments as it prepares to make a showing but it is all part and parcel of the season. There has to be moments of unrest as it prepares to show its clout when it finally arrives and makes a show-stopping display. I, for one, can’t wait to see its full beauty as it steps out wearing its dress of many colors.
The rain has stopped but there is a definite chill in the air. The wind is picking up speed as the trees sway back and forth creating music of their own. In a way, there is a little sadness as summer waves goodbye and moves on to make way for another season to step in. It is only a matter of time before we welcome the beauty of fall, glorious fall, with colors that will take your breath away.
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