My early days as a young girl was all about religion. I couldn’t get away from it even if I had wanted to! Dad was a Bible-toting believer and mom was right behind him getting us in line to do as we were told and the uncle was head of the churches. I really didn’t have a choice.
It meant evenings of Bible study with all of us gathered in the living room listening to dad drone on about some verse he had painstakingly picked out. Then followed gratitude. I learned this one early, there was no escaping it! Each one of us would have to say what we were grateful for and SOME of us had a long long list! Most kids my age were watching TV or relaxing but that wasn’t our way.
I remember when I was 18 I had to teach Bible study and Sunday school. Not that I wanted to but it was a must as far as my parents were concerned. I did do that like an obedient girl but inside I was ready to throw the mantel off and take off to less familiar places. University gave me a reprieve. I became my own person and I had a chance to really figure out what I wanted in life. Religion was still a big part of my life and learning to live the way my parents had taught me was never far away. It still is even after all these years. I guess once it is instilled in you, it never leaves. Not a bad thing really but it was a tough upbringing.
I am learning to let my son decide for himself as to religion and his beliefs. Unfortunately, he is choosing to go a whole different direction! God is the last thing on his mind but perhaps that is normal for young people these days.
Yes, I practice religion but not in the way I was told to do so. I believe there is a higher power and I do turn to prayer when times get tough. I don’t go to church as often as I used to but that is okay. I can talk to god anywhere and whenever I want to. Oh, and I don’t read the Bible as I used to either but I don’t need to because some of those scripture versus are still ingrained in my mind!
Both mom and dad have done positive things to further who I am and how I react to the world around me. However, I think it is dad who did something I will never forget and taught me to respect each and every individual regardless of skin color, ethnicity or race.
I remember I was fifteen at the time just emerging out of my tomboy phase. My close girlfriend was a Hindu. She invited me to go along to her temple for Pooja. It stands for worship and paying homage to the gods. I was into different cultures and learning as much about them was my goal at the time. I went along but it was very different from what I was used to as a Christian girl. Church was a sedate affair, however, the temple was different. It was noisy and the colors boomed with vibrancy and it was very crowded. Statues caught my eyes and they were painted in bright colors as well. We walked in and immediately we had to remove our shoes, then we had to break a coconut. It was followed by lighting incense and bowing to the deities and there were other things but I don’t quite remember them all now.
I did what was asked of me but I couldn’t wait to get back home. Once home, I walked in and blurted out to my dad, “It was so strange! I don’t know about Hinduism but it is not my thing!” Actually I used the term, “pagan” to get my point across, belligerence showing on my young face. Dad pinned me with his no nonsense gaze and said, “It is no different from our religion. Yes, they do things a little differently but they are praying to God. It’s all the same.” That took the wind out of my sails! I spent the rest of the evening thinking about what he had said and unknown to him he had taught me “tolerance” that day and that lesson has stood the test of time.
Perhaps, he taught me a bigger lesson and that is to RESPECT every person, every culture and every religion. I’m teaching my son to do the same thing. Here’s the thing, tolerance is not taught in schools, it begins at home.
Daily writing prompt
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
The journey is complete and a new chapter has started. Life is no longer what you used to know. It is no longer about staying up late, doing what you want and whenever you want it. It is now about getting up and showing up for work. Responsibility and accountability are not to be taken lightly and you will have to learn to adjust again. “I have zero life now,” is not going to do it. You are an adult and you will have to do adult things. We all had to and I know that through the complaining a new person will emerge, one fully capable of handling anything, of this I am sure.
“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph: a beginning, a struggle and a victory.” Mahatma Gandhi
I remember the beginning well. It seems like only yesterday when you made it through high school and the next step was looming large. I wasn’t ready to let you go, not then and not ever! When I looked at you, I didn’t see the young man who had graduated from high school, all I saw was the little boy I had coached through life.
You, on the other hand, were ready to spread your wings. You wanted freedom and so the search for the right university began. I didn’t know at the time that it would take you far away from me. I felt fear clutching at my heart but I had to let you go whether I wanted to or not. You were leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. You found the perfect university, than you got an apartment and the move began. I hugged you goodbye and watched you leave with tears in my eyes.
Law was your first choice but that would change a year down the road. Drinking, partying and staying out late was part and parcel of college life. The struggle started when you got your jaw broke coming home late one night in a botched robbery attempt. You landed in hospital and I was shocked but you decided to stay where you were at and I had to let you go thinking it could have been worse. You could have lost your life had there been a weapon involved.
However, the psychological effects of that attack were plenty. You turned from a sweet and innocent boy into an angry young man. Studying and keeping your grades up was the last thing on your mind. You wanted revenge but there was none to be had. You learned that life is not always fair and some times the good guys DO get hurt. Letting go and moving on came slowly but it did come and I learned that your survival and overcoming the attack would depend on how we handled you. Your strength would come from your ability to stand back up and from knowing that we were standing with you every step of the way. It was a long and slow recovery but you did it.
You are now standing on the cusp of achieving what you began five years ago. Soon you will have your degree with a better than average grade under your belt. I heard the pride in your voice as you told me your grade two days ago but you didn’t see the tears running down my face. It has been a long journey for all of us but this is not the end.
“A great accomplishment shouldn’t be the end of the road, just the starting point for the next leap forward.” Harvey Mackay
Victory took a long time coming but you, my son, have made me proud. You’ll be moving again and this time around you’ll be working towards standing on your own two feet.
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” Thomas Carlyle
CONGRATULATIONS! You are on your way and I couldn’t be prouder. Just one last word, I still see you as that little boy whose hands I held as we walked to and back from kindergarten but then again I guess I always will.
The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? Today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”
Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it.
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann
It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”
Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it took only seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.
As I round a bend in the path all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere.
“Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown
I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling, if you will, that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” in front of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.
Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, even if I catch you in the act, you will jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.
“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown
Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack.
“I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown.
If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.”
The sun is starting to peek out and today is going to be an amazing day.
I heard this somewhere, not sure where and not sure who said it but it stuck with me. It goes like this.
Standing on top of a cliff and looking down, I hear myself say, “What if I fall?” A voice comes back and says, “Oh, my darling, what if you fly?”
It stuck with me because there were many times when I’ve stood on that cliff and asked that very same question, “What if I fall?” I refused to contemplate that I might just fly. I stayed because I was afraid to take that step forward. Fear of the unknown kept me there, of what I couldn’t see did the rest. I knew that staying where I was would keep me captive but staring into that abyss has kept me a prisoner.
After my divorce, I stood at the crossroads and wondered which way I should go? Everything told me to take the road less travelled. Go embrace the unknown it said. ”What have you got to lose?” I stayed put and took the other turn. The one that was familiar, the one my heart knew so I embraced the pain that was still there and refused to budge.
Along my journey, I met men who reminded me of “him.” Mostly mediocre relationships with mediocre men. My heart was content because there was comfort in the familiar and I did not have to navigate unfamiliar territory. I knew the path well. Mediocre relationships is defined as a “relationship with another person which is typically a symptom of a mediocre relationship with yourself. When you don’t know yourself or honor your needs, it’s easy to stay in a mediocre relationship. Mediocre can be safe, familiar, just enough….but not deeply fulfulling or vibrant.”
Accepting how I was treated made me believe I was loved. Afterall, it was familiar territory. I felt safe thinking this is the real deal. I knew there was more out there than someone blurting out, “I love you,” without any thought as to what it really meant. It didn’t matter, I was on cloud nine but the reality was mediocre brings mediocrity. Why do we accept it? ”It comes from a fear of failing as well as not being willing to deal with others tearing you down.” The truth is, I saw it, I felt it and I accepted it and so I stayed to fight another day.
Strangely enough no matter how many times I got hurt and the truth kept staring me in the face, I held on for dear life. I was basically saying there isn’t anything better out there. Why do you need better? Isn’t this enough? The “this” being a lukewarm relationship with no substance to it. You see the person I am alluding to was having a mediocre relationship with himself and so did not see “me”, the real me, he was busy slaying his own demons. Like attracts like? Perhaps but here is where I found myself until I saw what Mark Sterling had to say.
If you want to soar in life, you must learn to
F.L.Y (First Love Yourself)
I realized at that moment that I had lost myself along the way. I had stopped loving myself, the reason for all my woes. The divorce wasn’t my fault, the aftermath painful but it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason for the pain and suffering. It was thrown in front of me and I had to deal with it. Through it all, I put myself in the background and I learned to crawl. So here I am standing on the cliff again and staring into the abyss before me. One step forward will take me into the unknown, the uncomfortable, into the midst of terror and then I hear a voice say, “Oh, my darling, but what if you fly?”
“You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly. (Rumi)
Here I go.…….
Update:
I wrote this article last year. Where am I now? I’ve made some inroads but there is miles to go before I rest. I am learning, accepting, letting go and moving on. A process that is never ending it seems but I’m hoping that when I reach my goal or journey’s end, I am where I want to be. It takes courage, strength and believing that there is a better out there.
No matter how many detours we take or delays we encounter, we will always be led back to where we’re meant to be.” Nicole Spindler
Beautifully said but trusting the journey you’re on is hard and accepting that everything will turn out for the best is harder still. Humans want control of the situation or at least I do. I don’t like the idea of some unseen force manipulating the outcome and that is a frightening concept for me. However, if truth be told, perhaps there is no other way. You’ve heard the saying, if it is meant to be, it will be and what if we just let go and let it unfold as it was meant to be. A doable thing? Speaking from my standpoint, that is next to impossible for me.
“Don’t let what happens or what doesn’t happen bother you. Life has a way of rearranging perfectly so that what you truly need can come together.” Unknown
If I step aside that is. My problem is that I want to know what is coming up or what life has in store for me before it comes up. I spend a lot of time overthinking the negatives even before it has happened but that is human nature I suppose. Much of my time is wasted on projections that never take place and if and when it happens I am fully capable of handling the outcome.
Trusting the journey I am on demands that I accept what comes my way. “Be quiet” whispers the all-knowing power of the unknown, the universe or God in his wisdom or whatever you believe in. It says, “Let me work this out for you, I’ve got this and you need to trust in the journey. You’ll be fine.” The untrusting part within screams, “I’m afraid! What if I fail or I fall flat on my face or there is no getting up from this?” That too is human nature.
“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly, “You got this, keep going.” Unknown
Perhaps, trusting the journey is not about rushing, not pushing and shoving and not about stomping your feet and demanding but that it is more about accepting that everything is being worked out behind the scenes and you just need to sit back and accept and know that the outcome will be exactly as it was meant to be. It doesn’t mean you have to stop working on yourself, putting effort out on what needs to be done and making your way through life, it means knowing that there is a higher force who is on your side. Not so simple? I know, it isn’t for me either. What if there is a higher power working on your behalf and it has got your back? Wonderful don’t you think? Now, I just need to trust in that concept. Good luck you say? I know but it’s worth a try.
“Trust the process, trust your journey. You are going TO BE OKAY.” Unknown
A Guardian Angel is defined as a spirit that is thought to watch over and protect a person or place.”
“For every fear that shakes your peace,
For every night you feel alone,
For every moment you lose a little hope,
There is an angel who whispers
I AM HERE.” Unknown
Do you believe angels exist? I do. I have encountered several in my life but I know that for some of you non-believers it is just a bunch of hoopla but to that I say, you do you and I’ll do me.
My first encounter happened when I got my driver’s license. Needless to say I was over the moon and decided to take the car out on the Interstate. I didn’t really have much experience driving on a four-lane highway but I had my driver’s license and what could go wrong right? Plenty.
It was busy on that day as I pulled out onto the slow lane but having navigated that successfully, I decided to change lanes. Finally, I decided to change lanes again so I signaled, noticed the trucker was quite a distance away and pulled in. Just as quickly I glanced at my side-view mirror and to my horror, there he was right next to me! I jammed on the accelerator and shot in but then I heard a loud bang and then the back of the car was swerving back and forth violently. I held onto the steering wheel as tightly as I could which probably saved my life that day, that and the guardian angels looking out for me. My confidence was shaken but I escaped with no injuries.
A few days later, I walked into a grocery store. I was still feeling shaken from my ordeal and couldn’t trust myself to get back into a car again. Walking through the aisles, I came face to face with a man I had never seen before. He smiled gently and said, “You’ll be just fine. You have nothing to worry about.” What?!! Immediately I felt a sense of peace envelop me and as I turned around to get another glimpse of the mysterious stranger, he was gone but that memory has lived on through the years and I still wonder who he was. An angel sent to reassure me? It worked.
Later, I rescued an abandoned kitten in the middle of winter. There was an instant connection right from the start. I had just broken up with someone and as usual I was having a tough time letting go. Twitty walked in at the right moment. He was the ray of sunshine I needed and together we were an unbeatable team. He helped mend that broken heart and the smile was back on my face. Then I met my ex and Twitty had to take a backseat. I don’t think he understood but he took it in stride. Later when I got pregnant, he would lay his head on my growing stomach and purr to the high heavens. When my life took off and I was caught in my day-to-day existence of being a wife and mother, Twitty took that like a champ as well. He passed away several years later and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with but looking back, I think it was his time to go because I was “flying” and I had no need for him anymore. Guardian angels never stay for long, only as long as they are needed and only until their job on earth is done.
Many years later after my marriage fell apart, another angel walked in. He was tall with green eyes and when we first met there was a definite connection. He walked in like he belonged there and helped to put my broken heart back together again. I’ve spoken about him here many times before and to make a long story short, he lost his life a few years ago. I am pretty certain that he was my guardian angel sent to make me whole again. I learned to laugh, to smile and to enjoy life again in his presence and perhaps even to trust again. Just when I thought, I had it all together, it was time for him to go. I walked the final journey with him and still remember those last words. “Lovely, I’m so so sorry.” I didn’t understand at the time what he was sorry about but now I know. He was sorry about having to leave. Angels never stay for long.
I believe angels walk amongst us and if you’re lucky as I have been, you get to meet them if only for a little while. They leave a lasting impact even when they’re gone but their absence leaves imprints on your heart. As Christmas draws near, I want to thank all my angels for your part in my life, for your guidance, your protection and for all the life lessons and love you have shown me.
Here’s to all of you. Angels from the past, the current and the ones I haven’t met yet. Merry Christmas and may you sing loud and clear this Christmas season. Thank you.
I am learning as I go along that nothing stays the same. Life is an ever-changing landscape, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The good times come in waves and sometimes not at all and the bad, well it has a tendency to strike when you least expect it.
“Expect the unexpected and accept the twists and turns of life’s journey.” Unknown
Something was wrong. My body has a way of letting me know and so it was a week ago. I couldn’t shake the feeling and the symptoms made it clear so off I went to the doctor. A blood test later, he gives me the bad news. I felt myself growing smaller and my first response as it usually is with anything that has a tendency to change my life was, “Why? This is so UNFAIR!” Unfair or not, there it was staring me in the face and as I sat there, feeling small and insignificant, I blurted out, “I can beat this. Just watch me!” The doctor stared back with a somber look on his face, or was it sympathy I saw. He said, “You can try but a part of you is not functioning as it should.” I gulped but I had my brave face on. I walked out of there with my heart pumping fast but with a clear resolve to go deep within and grasp at the dwindling supply of my inner reserves, the place I go to when “ME” as a human is unable to deal with whatever that has thrown my world in a kilter. I went looking for the strength within. It has come to my rescue in times past so why not now?
“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly, ‘You’ve got this, keep going.” Unknown
That was a week and a half ago. Since then I’ve cried, berated and shaken my fist at nothing in particular. After that, I put a plan of action in place. Friends have offered advice and help BUT when it comes down to the inevitable, it is you and you alone who will have to put on the armor and do battle against an invisible enemy, one that has the power to do more damage than you can ever imagine.
Cut back on stress, change your diet, workout, meditate and yoga are all on my plan to beat this thing. It has the potential to destroy if not reeled in. Knowing that, I am not taking it lightly. I have made some progress but it needs constant work and that right there is the HARD part. I’ve faced “HARD” before and it is nothing new but what if it is outside my control this time around? That’s a scary question and I am not looking for the answers right now. Focus, I tell myself, show fear the door and keep on forging straight ahead and that is what I plan and need to do.
“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.” Paulo Coelho
Waking up to each new day is a challenge now. I have a blank slate to fill with things to do to get better. I tell myself that I have the strength to beat this thing. Taking one step at a time combined with resolve, I plan to chip away at this unseen monster and hope it gives way kow-towing to the strength within. There is hope.
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” Brene Brown
“Everyday is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been and move on. Don’t let negative words or actions of others affect your smile. Decide that today is a good day.” Unknown
I’ve decided that it’s going to be an amazing day! Once I get out of bed that is. The covers keep my feet warm and the dark room offers comfort. I can stay here forever if I let myself but I’ve got “miles to go before I sleep.” The poet, Robert Frost, is talking about having much to do before death comes calling but I’ll keep it on a lighter note. I’ve got lots to do before I can put my feet up again but the biggest thing on my mind is to have an amazing day.
It’s all about the mindset folks. Mindset is defined as, “a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how you will interpret and respond to situations.” I’m bent on having an amazing day today so here we go!
It will be an amazing day because I won’t sweat the small stuff. Whatever comes my way to kick me off my pedestal of entertaining only good thoughts will be met with “ignore and let go.”
It will be an amazing day because I will be good to myself. I will lose myself in nature to clear my mind and enjoy the thousand miracles it offers. While I’m out there I will take as many deep breaths as I can so that by the time I get back home, I will be floating on air!
It will be an amazing day because I’m going to find a quiet spot and proceed to shut the world out. It’s my time and I will do what I want to. I will close my eyes, tune out the noise and go within and repeat the mystical sacred mantra OM for as many times as needed. I will stay there for awhile and then emerge a brand new person having ostracized all the bad stuff, just like a butterfly that emerges from the cocoon and sees the world for the first time.
It will be an amazing day because I will actively work to shut out negativity. I will also shut out negative people those whose only preoccupation with life is to bring people down with their words and deeds. Today that’s a no go and ignore and close the door will be my response. If need be, I will do a cleansing ritual, just kidding. I will bolster up the positive aspects of my life and hope it will be enough to keep negativity away. Fingers crossed or I will need to do more OMs to keep it at bay.
It will be an amazing day because I’m going to enjoy my own company. I will pamper myself, eat nutritious foods, nurture the inner child and open my eyes to miracles around me. Ones I don’t see caught up in the day to day cycle of this thing called life. I will see me for who I am and I will know that I am enough as I am.
“Another day starts. Let the adventure begin. Good morning, have a great day.”
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