funny – Site Title

LOL!

Funny stuff!😂😂😂

In a trial, a US Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to jail.

LOL!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

🤣🤣🤣

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

LOL!

Okay guys, this one is a little naughty but I thought it was hilarious!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman seated over there’

….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply

to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,

and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’😂

Good Vibes

It’s Sunday and it is raining out there. The sky is gray and the wind is blowing. The storm is refusing to take a hike and it is driving me up the wall! I came up with a great idea to pep up my mood and these hilarious quotes helped to do just that. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

“My advice to you is get married. If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” Socrates

Yup, there are many philosophers out there.

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” Rod Stewart

Hmm…..okay never mind!

“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” Dave Barry

I met several of those when my son was young and I had no book to go by.

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield.

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you!” Rita Mae Brown

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.” G. K Chesterton

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” George Carlin

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” Charlie Brown

ME TOO!

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” W. C. Fields

“When in doubt, look intelligent.” Garrison Keillor

Have a great Sunday folks.

LOL!

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide:

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

What can I say? Well, there is plenty I can say but I’m going to keep my mouth shut!

LOL!

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

Three women went to Mexico one night, had too much to drink, and woke up the next morning in jail. They were told they would be executed, but none of them could remember what they had done wrong.

The first woman, who had red hair, was strapped into the electric chair. When asked if she had any last words, she said, “I went to Grace University, and I believe that God will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch, but nothing happened.

Everyone around dropped to their knees, begged for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Next, the second woman, a brunette, was put in the chair. She said, “I went to the Creighton School of Law, and I believe that justice will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch again, and once more, nothing happened.

Again, the people fell to their knees, asked for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Finally, the last woman, a blonde, was brought in and strapped into the chair. She said, “I graduated from the University of Alabama in Huntsville with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I can tell you right now, this thing isn’t going to work unless you plug it in!”

😂😂😂

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked at the biggest one in the face, and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word.

His buddies were confused, because he was a badass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing.

His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder, and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

LOL!

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before….But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer…..the husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

😉😉😉😉

LOL!

Photo by Christopher Welsch Leveroni on Pexels.com

My wife sent me a sweet text that read,

“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”

“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”

“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied,

“I’m on the toilet, please advice.”

Newlyweds?

***************************************************

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked, “Is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said, “Yes!”

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000 ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.!

The man has ambition! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”

He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

🤣🤣🤣