I am learning that each new day is a reminder to do better.
I am learning that I am fully capable of dealing with everything life throws my way.
I am learning that I need to practice gratefulness and to be thankful for all that I have.
I am learning to accept me as I am and to make changes if some of those things don’t work to my greater good.
I am learning to let go of things that don’t serve me and I am making room for those that do.
I am learning that I can’t change people, I can only change myself.
I am learning that life is a journey full of ups and downs and nothing stays the same forever.
I am learning that there is no such thing as forever, just the here and now.
I am learning that love is fleeting at its best and at its worst, it has the potential to turn your world upside down and inside out. Tread carefully.
I am learning that cheaters never change. They are repeat offenders. Integrity is just another word to them. A relationship with such an individual is like throwing pearls at pigs.
I am learning that today is a blessing, a gift and I have it in my power to make it an amazing day.
I am learning that life is ever-changing. It is a learning curve and mistakes are made to show us a new way of handling things and to learn and grow from it. Perhaps that is what life is all about.
“But most of all, I am slowly learning how to just be in this moment. How to exist. How to understand that I cannot control life, that I can only experience it in both its light and its dark stages. I am slowly learning how to laugh and cry and feel through it all, how to welcome the confusion and the joy that come with loving and living and breaking. I am slowly learning how to accept where I am”
“I am slowly learning how to simply believe in the person I am becoming.” Unknown
“One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to let go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal, it doesn’t matter, it is hard and that is a fact. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” Unknown
Letting go has always been hard for me. I tend to take things that have happened with or without my permission and I play around with it until it becomes a different scenario from where it started from. Suddenly that little problem becomes all-consuming and my life comes to a halt and my focus is riveted to that one little spot. It’s as if I am churning a cauldron and saying as the witches in Macbeth did, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble!” I have trouble saying, it is done. It has happened. I can’t go back and change anything even if I wished I could. So just breathe a sigh of relief and LET IT GO but I am learning.
Something happened yesterday. It was small compared to all the big things out there. Somehow I let it get inside me. I stirred it up and soon it was a major problem BUT only in my mind. As I stood watching the sun go down in a blaze of glory, I realized that I had let a beautiful day go to waste simply because I had been caught in a web of my own making. Things do happen and it is not your fault or mine but it is how we deal with it that differentiates whether we come out on top or get stuck at the bottom. Take a deep breath, feel the weight fly off your shoulders and your feet get a little lighter as you watch it, whatever it is, dissipate into the distance and into nothingness. It is not worth it. LET IT GO.
We hold onto relationships that are not good for us but still we hold on simply for the sake of holding on when you know deep inside that this is not what you want but letting go is not an option. It would hurt too much or you’ll find yourself alone or you’ve invested too much time and energy in it or you make up some story in your head that you can’t live without him or her and it goes on and on. If truth be told, you know that letting go and moving on is the best option because it is not working and you want better. LET IT GO. You’ll be alright.
I love holding onto people, problems and just about anything. Some days I play things over in my mind and say, if only this and if only that. I am learning that playing around with it in my head is only hurting me and it is not going to change things. You can’t change the past and it is over so let it rest. You have bigger and better things to do. LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. Be at peace and move on.
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Unknown
AND
“Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.” Unknown
AND
“Overthinking will destroy your mood. Breathe and let go.” @SelfSaid
The last one was for me simply because I overthink everything! So I’m going to breathe and LET IT GO. Not easy but worth a try.
“Self-discipline starts with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do.” Napoleon Hill
It has to be trained and that right there is where most of us fail miserably. It is also an art form that has to be told to “heel” when necessary and that’s where the problem comes in. We live in a world where instant gratification is of the utmost importance so throwing self-discipline out the window is easy enough to do and dealing with the consequences is often met with a shrug of the shoulders and a “so what” attitude.
What is self-discipline? According to markcperna.com, it is the “ability to tell ourselves “no” when we feel or want something that our reason tells us is not what’s best right now.”
It could be in the form of saying “no” to an extra slice of cheesecake and yes I still have that fetish, to jumping into bed with someone knowing full well that is the wrong thing to do. One to a lesser degree than the other but we are willing to turn a blind eye and do it anyway. Self-discipline is becoming a lost skill in this instant gratification society of ours and that is the sad truth.
“Without self-discipline, success is impossible. PERIOD.” Lou Holtz
It is a principle that if applied religiously makes your dreams come true. Waking up earlier to do an extra half-hour of exercise, meditation, yoga, whatever is to your liking will get you on the path to achieving that stellar “new” you. Learning to say “NO!” to things that don’t serve you will teach you that if you say it enough it becomes easier to do. This takes practice and especially for me because saying “no” is hard because I am way too accommodating and at times a pushover when it comes to saying no but I am learning.
Another word for it is willpower but whichever word you use, it is the ability to say “NO” when you know doing otherwise is to your detriment. Since it is a learned behavior, you need to learn to master it and to rewire your mindset
Here are some ways to implement self-discipline practices everyday according to medium.com.
They suggest that you stay active when it comes to discipline. Do what you need to do and don’t get distracted. Stick to what you need to get done each day. This is called an Active Discipline method.
The next is the Reactive Discipline tactic. Control your thoughts or behavior when dealing with unforeseen situations. Treat yourself with kindness but know what is right and wrong.
Do things in advance to better manage a situation. If you know it is going to rain, bring an umbrella. Create a to do list or go to bed on time. Keep temptation at a minumum or as the phrase goes, “do not step into the lion’s den” because you know will happen if you do. This last one is called the Proactive Discipline strategy.
However, the quote below says it better:
“Don’t stand in front of the cookie (cheesecake) with your eyes glued to it.” Unknown
It’s a practice and as with every new goal you have to work towards it. It doesn’t just happen once and you’re done with it. It is a constant which requires full-minded focus but the rewards are worth it. You become more adapt at time management, you become mentally stronger, it helps you to overcome laziness and procrastination, and you build better relationships showing more empathy and love. People with higher self-discipline are more trustworthy and likable as well.
What’s not to like? Set it in motion because no self-discipline means no success.
We’ve met them, had to deal with them and been in relationships with them. I’m talking about toxic people. We’ve suffered the consequences but still carried on hoping that change would come. It never does. The outcome is always the same. It is often accompanied by pain and confusion. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is little you can do to change a ‘toxic’ person but you can protect yourself.
In order to deal with a toxic person you need to know their modus operandi or rather how they operate in their world. According to The Mind Journal, there are six types of toxic people.
THE NARCISSIST
Only cares about themselves
Lacks empathy
Truly believes they are better than everyone around them.
THE CONTROLLER
Tries to control everything around them.
Needs to be in charge of every decision.
Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right.
THE DRAMA MAGNET
Feeds off of gossip and drama
Drama seems to ‘follow them’ (they create it).
Puts you in uncomfortable positions.
THE ENERGY VAMPIRE
Drains you of energy, overwhelms you.
Creates problems and feeds on the negativity.
Criticizes and bullies you.
THE COMPULSIVE LIAR
Tells white lies constantly.
Manipulates and gaslights you.
Master of guilt trips.
THE GREEN EYED
Cannot be happy for other people’s good fortune.
Plays the victim
Minimizes other people to feel better about themselves.
These people often bring conflict, negativity and confusion not to mention pain into your life. Dealing with them is like walking on a minefield not suspecting anything would go wrong but eventually it does because they are wired a certain way. They are manipulative, oftentimes abusive and they will find ways to justify their behavior. Remorse never crosses their mind and taking accountability for their actions is a never never thing. They usually take without giving back.
“Just remember, we are all toxic. Every single human being is capable of being toxic, has been, currently is at times.
But some people have the desire to be educated on it and do better while others will ignore any accountability and continue to act the same way.”
Pay Attention
It is not clear why we keep doing circles around toxic people? Perhaps it has something to do with stupidity and the definition of stupid goes like this.
“Knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but still believing the lies.” Unknown
Toxic people for all their flaws can be magnetic. They tend to pull you in and make you want to stay for awhile and if love is involved, it brings a whole new dimension with it.
“Love is 50% stupid and 50% brilliant. The challenge is figuring out which part of it you’re experiencing at any given moment.” Unknown
Once you’ve figured out that you’ve hitched your yoke to a toxic person and don’t know what to do, the following quote might just help.
You don’t ever have to feel guilty about Removing Toxic People From Your Life.
“It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance, you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” Unknown
Painful but short and sweet and perhaps this is the only language that ‘toxic’ people understand. Unfortunately.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Time to put those items into practice. The hardest will be the last one. I do overanalyze everything to the point that I start out with something small and by the time I finish with it, it has been blown to gigantic proportions.
How often have you used the words above to describe the “deja vu” feeling of having experienced the exact same event or incident over and over again with the very same and often painful outcomes? I know I have and I’m sure many of you have. So why do we keep repeating the same cycle over and over again? Perhaps, it’s because of this.
“Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.” Unknown
I’ve done this many times over. This meaning, “I told myself I would never go through this and find myself in the same uneventful place again.” Like dating the wrong person with the exact same habits as the one I left behind. Then I find myself months down the road faced with the exact same situation but with another individual. I told myself I would never do cheaters, liars, control freaks and narcissists ever again but lo and behold, it never fails. They seem to come out of the woodwork as far as I am concerned and I am faced with the self-same situation only to scream, “What am I doing wrong?”
I think we are creatures of habit and therefore love embracing familiarity more than commonsense! What feels familiar is comforting. It gives us a sense of warmth and maybe even a feeling of “home.” You’ve heard the saying, “Home is where the heart is?” Well, not in this case! According to Isabel Buchbinder, “repeating patterns do not happen by coincidence. Repeating patterns are merely lessons which can be seen as an opportunity for us to evolve and grow.” The question remains, how often do you have to fall in order to grasp the lessons you have to learn? Unfortunately, there are no clear-cut answers. Some learn quickly and others not at all. I hope I am NOT in the “not at all” category but it sure feels that way at times.
Here again, Ms. Buchbinder has some good tips on how to break free and to move on to greener and more acceptable behavior traits. She says, “the reoccuring external situation is trying to get our attention so that we focus within and change this internal limiting structure and thus break the pattern. She adds, “don’t bleed on those who didn’t hurt you.” It just means heal yourself first before entering a relationship. This also means, “once you heal your subconscious limitations and traumas, you no longer repeat patterns and you will start attracting life situations which are more suitable for your well-being and more heightened state of life!”
“Life will keep on repeating the same situation through different circumstances until we have learnt the lesson.” Isabel
How do you break this self-fulfilling prophecy? Here are five steps from Isabel, not easy but worth the try.
The first step is to become aware of the pattern.
The second step is to observe the situation but don’t react.
The third step is to identify the lesson it is trying to teach us.
The fourth and perhaps the hardest step is to accept the situation, integrate, heal and let it go. Letting go takes forever in my world and even when I do, I keep looking back with one foot in the past and one foot in front.
The fifth step, if you’re confronted with a “repeating pattern” again, it’s just life wanting to know if you’ve learned the lesson and have fully let go. Lord, have mercy!
Be gentle with yourself, accept what you can’t change, learn from what you can and take the next step in the right direction. If you find yourself faced with the same old stuff from another individual but in a different body, don’t walk but RUN! and don’t look back.
“Break through that imaginary ceiling you’ve placed over yourself.” Unknown
AND
“Life has a way of making you repeat the same patterns until YOU choose to break the cycle.”
“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.” Nicole Sobon
Starting over is a hard thing to do. It means accepting what has happened and making the decision to move on. It is not that simple is it? We often want to stay awhile and in some cases, we never want to let go because there is comfort in holding on. I know someone who has held on for over a decade and still refuses to let go, not because it was the best thing that had happened to him, I am sure in his mind he thinks it is, but because he is comfortable where he is and so his life is at a standstill. He rekindles the memories over and over again and never gives them time to fade or to heal. It is like a wound that refuses to heal because he keeps picking at it.
I think looking at the past and all that we’ve had to live through especially the bad parts as lessons learned instead of as things that happened which brought us to our knees, might just do the trick.
Speaking from my experience of the betrayal and the divorce that followed in my own life, it did bring me down to my knees. As I have said before, I felt like a bird with clipped wings and I was for a long time. It is only recently that I’ve decided to look at my past, mindfully go through the remnants of what was left of the life that was once mine that I realized I would never do it again. What? I would never settle for a man with no morals or integrity. These are the building blocks of any relationship and so I will not settle for less. That said, the lesson I have learned is that I won’t be dependent on one man to make me complete. I am complete as I am and learning that has opened new doors for me. I am stronger, more capable and I wouldn’t say fearless but less fearful. There are new roads to travel with my new found sense of freedom and knowledge of myself and I am taking it with me along with all the other lessons I will learn to the finish line.
“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” Unknown
Losing a loved one is hard to bear. I was lost for awhile when it happened to me. I accompanied my friend on his final journey and back then I didn’t realize it would take superhuman strength to do that. My focus was on despair, anger, sadness and an incredible sense of unfairness. I didn’t see the strong woman emerging out of the cocoon she was in. ”I can’t” was my mantra but I learned soon enough that I was capable of so much more even if it meant losing someone very dear to me. Life was teaching me a lesson if I was willing to learn it. The problem was I wasn’t accepting any lessons at that time. I hugged and kissed him goodbye without breaking down, that came later. I think there is tremendous strength within each of us that only comes into play when called upon to push ourselves to the limit. I learned that weakness is an option, an easy one. It is easy to run and hide, but the other one, strength is learned while going through what is considered the impossible and still coming out on top. I did.
When I became an empty nester, I thought life had come to a standstill for me. Being a mom was my biggest role and I relished it. He was my world. When he left to pursue what all young men do, part of me refused to let go, the selfish part. Eventually I let him go with tears in my eyes and slowly, very slowly, I learned that I was fully capable of handling this and much more.
Life never stands still and those things that it throws our way, the ones that make us cringe and shy away or the ones that make us throw up our hands and say, this is enough, I can’t do this, well they are exactly the ones that will teach us who we are as a person, the ones that will open new doors if you let it and the ones that will take you to where you need to go. Did I pass with flying colors? Not without putting up a fight first. I cried and berated at the unfairness of it all but when I calmed down and looked within, I found the answers to go on and I learned that there was enough resources within me to battle even the worst storms one step at a time. Simplify your life, get rid of the excess that blinds you to what is happening and maybe you will learn the lessons life is teaching you. Remember it may not be fair, it may not be just but in order to get to where you need to be, it is necessary and that in itself might be the hardest lesson to learn.
“In my life, I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes but most of all….I’ve learned.” Unknown
The primary symbolism of candles lies in their ability to illuminate darkness. Candles, with their gentle glow, symbolize the search for truth, clarity and inner illumination. I equate quotes as having the same power. If you listen carefully they open doors, lead you forward and they teach without delivering a sermon.
Some of my all-time favorite quotes come from a blogger who is also the creator of the social media movement “The Single Woman.” She has written many “scathing articles and books and don’t forget quotes about her ex-boyfriend and about his pathological emotional abuse and betrayals. The lady speaks to my heart. Here are some of my favorite quotes written by Mandy Hale.
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”
“Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person, that you are.”
And if they can’t handle you, it is their problem not yours.
“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”
This one is scary. Sometimes you want to settle because fear takes over but settling means giving up and you are too important for that. Do not settle for less than you want.
“The less you respond to rude, critical, argumentative people, the more peaceful your life will become.”
This one is exhausting. Learning to deal with such people is never easy, add trying to make them see different is like talking to the wall. Let it go and embrace peace.
“You’re actually MORE likely to be single when you have a lot to offer because you’ll realize that most people aren’t worthy of all that greatness.”
I totally agree, well, it is actually a more positive way of looking at it.
“It’s OK to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”
Fear is my second name but I suppose I have done things to be proud of in spite of it. Brave things? Maybe….
“Confidence is the ability to feel Beautiful without needing someone to tell you.”
Ok this one hit home. I wrote an article yesterday about one of my OFF days and looking like a nightmare in the process. A friend told me later, I can turn all your nightmares into dreams! The problem is I lack confidence so that didn’t do much to get me out of Nightmare land!
Confidence is not:
“They will like me.”
Confidence is:
“I’ll be fine if they don’t.”
“Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to relocate us to the place we’re meant to be.”
Been there, done that, many times over. Still looking for the relocation part.
“A person being “too busy” is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them.”
This is the absolute truth. No time means YOU are not important.
“If you lost it, it’s because you’re meant to find something better. Trust, let go and make room for what’s coming.”
Doing exactly that but can someone tell me how long this process will take?
“To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over, no matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it….it’s over. It can hurt you no more.”
True but you sure can learn from it and not repeat the same mistakes the next time around.
“You’re beautiful just the way you are. Shine on, and dare anyone to turn off your lights.”
“The only keeper of your happiness is YOU. Stop giving people power to control your smile, your worth and your attitude!”
There you go, perfectly said I might add.
Where are you going today? Are you dealing with negatives or are you heading towards more positive pastures? Let go and move towards the light. Take the candlelight with you and pass it on to someone who really needs it.
Think of one thing you are grateful for. When I first heard this, I had a hard time finding just one little thing. Within a few minutes, I had my basket full! I am grateful for the roof over my head, the warm bed, the beautiful fall day, the food that gave me joy today and the people who are dear to me. Of course, Chachi, the cat is at the top of that list too.
“Keep it simple and focus on what matters. Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed.” Confucius
Confucius knows what he is talking about but how many of us take that advice to heart? Our lives are filled with little and big things that we can’t control or overcome, we let drama take hold and it goes downhill from there.
Why can’t we just keep it simple? Perhaps, it’s because as “humans” we have an urge within to add complexity to the matter at hand. We have a need to complicate versus simplify and that right there is the problem. Complexity is the enemy of simplicity and we are masters at taking something simple and blowing it out of proportion so that it becomes one gigantic problem, add drama to it and you’ve got an almost unsolvable problem and it becomes anything but simple.
If you embrace simplicity, your life becomes less stressed and easier to navigate according to the people in the know.
“Simple means that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Let this be your mantra as you navigate the choppy waters of life. A recent Stanford study showed that participants who embraced a ‘simplicity first’ mentality were significantly happier, less stressed, and more likely to achieve their goals.”
What does keeping it simple mean? It means just that, keep things simple even though it is hard. Sounds like a conundrum? It might pretty well be. According to moderntherapy.online, here are some steps to help define what keeping it simple means.
Don’t expect too much.
Expect that things may not always be exactly how we want and try to be genuinely okay with it.
Don’t criticize
It is a lose-lose situation and it spreads negative energy. This leads to negative thinking and acting on it. Say or think something positive instead and move on.
Be Present
Living in the moment makes life simpler. Learn to be okay with your feelings even if they are uncomfortable.
Be Kind
Being kind will not only help to make yourself feel better, but it will allow others to get close to you so you can form positive and meaningful relationships.
Redefine things in your life
Attempt to redefine what is important and what it means to you. Prioritize things that will truly make you happy.
Ask why
Question yourself about why you do the things you do. If there are no meaningful answers then you shouldn’t be doing them. Be clear and ask if there is a clear purpose behind what you are doing.
Focus on yourself
Instead of focusing on everyone around you, bring the focus back to you. Shut down the outside noise and try to focus on the noise within. Life becomes better when you separate yourself from what other people think or their expectations.
Keep it simple. The next time life throws something your way which it inevitably will, instead of pouncing on it and turning it into a huge “WHY?” tone it down to, “It happened. Here’s what I am going to do about it.” Easier said than done? I know but worth a try don’t you think? Simplify and show complexity the door and maybe, just maybe it will stop coming around. Hmm…not holding my breath on this one either!
“Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don’t.” Stephen King
Standing before me, he looked tall and lean, his face showing concern and looking a little older, the grey showing at his temples as he said, “You’ve got to learn to forgive. Sometimes bad things happen and YOU just need to forgive, forget and move on.”
I watched him, my face showing nothing. This was the man who had once meant the world to me. He had never once apologized for his hand in the heart break he had caused me. The damage was done and he had simply walked away like I was yesterday’s news.
There are no more tears to cry, no more gut-wrenching pain and no more feelings of any kind. I was done and his empty words held just that, NOTHING of any kind. He moved towards me but I took a step back. A long time ago, I had run into his arms so willingly but that was back then when we were in love and the world was a much better place.
We are two strangers now. Our history together a thing of the past, the love we had shared written somewhere in the stars for all eternity and the heart he had so carelessly and so willingly broken had learned to heal but it will never forget the crumbling, the breaking and the realization that this same man I had once loved was capable of wielding such pain.
Love hurts and heart break is painful. Hearts break all the time, it is nothing new. “I’m sorry” sometimes takes a long time coming and in some cases it never does. However, those words don’t have the power to erase the pain and neither do they take away the hurt you carry in your heart. Perhaps, the words are just a defense mechanism men use to shield themselves from their wrong doing and to walk away with their guilty conscience intact. Whatever the case maybe, sorry doesn’t cut it. It is so lacking in every aspect but I don’t know what else can make up for it.
We stood watching each other, his eyes hiding secrets and mine devoid of feeling. It was awkward to say the least. Yet my heart screamed, “You know him well don’t you? You had loved him with all of your heart once a long time ago.”
The truth is he had loved me too. He had called me his soulmate and the love of his life but somewhere along the way, he became someone else. When that someone new walked in, he took off running and left me holding a bag of broken dreams and a shattered heart broken beyond repair.
Today, there are no more tears, no anger, no despair, no nothing. I watched as he walked out the door and as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the heartbreak had changed me. I had grown stronger. I had learned to put my broken heart back together again piece by piece. The cracks still show but I guess they always will as a reminder of the pain I had gone through. Forgiveness? It will take a long time coming. I hope one day I can say the words he wants to hear. “I forgive you.” Not yet, it is going to take time and that is alright too.
“People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value.
The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” Unknown
