life lessons

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

“Best Friends (circa 1910) Fred” by Museum of New Zealand/ CC0 1.0

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale

How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to gain their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and I have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning my worth as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important and who you are and what you will stand for and won’t is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.

Invest in Yourself

This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money on materialistic things and also in pleasing others that we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or pedicure and no, it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.

Invest in your Environment

Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.

Get Rid of the Unwanted

This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.

Say this to yourself and mean it.

“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown

Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life, my friend, will get easier.

How to be your own best friend:

“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.

Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”

Cry when you need to.

Give yourself a hug.

Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.

Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown

Good luck and I am on the self-same journey.

We Can Do This!

The sun is shining for a change but it’s still cold. Time to bundle up, step out into nature and to love what is waiting for me out there. It’s time for a walk.

Have an amazing day.

Self-Discipline

“Self-discipline starts with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do.” Napoleon Hill

It has to be trained and that right there is where most of us fail miserably. It is also an art form that has to be told to “heel” when necessary and that’s where the problem comes in. We live in a world where instant gratification is of the utmost importance so throwing self-discipline out the window is easy enough to do and dealing with the consequences is often met with a shrug of the shoulders and a “so what” attitude.

What is self-discipline? According to markcperna.com, it is the “ability to tell ourselves “no” when we feel or want something that our reason tells us is not what’s best right now.”

It could be in the form of saying “no” to an extra slice of cheesecake and yes I still have that fetish, to jumping into bed with someone knowing full well that is the wrong thing to do. One to a lesser degree than the other but we are willing to turn a blind eye and do it anyway. Self-discipline is becoming a lost skill in this instant gratification society of ours and that is the sad truth.

“Without self-discipline, success is impossible. PERIOD.” Lou Holtz

It is a principle that if applied religiously makes your dreams come true. Waking up earlier to do an extra half-hour of exercise, meditation, yoga, whatever is to your liking will get you on the path to achieving that stellar “new” you. Learning to say “NO!” to things that don’t serve you will teach you that if you say it enough it becomes easier to do. This takes practice and especially for me because saying “no” is hard because I am way too accommodating and at times a pushover when it comes to saying no but I am learning.

Another word for it is willpower but whichever word you use, it is the ability to say “NO” when you know doing otherwise is to your detriment. Since it is a learned behavior, you need to learn to master it and to rewire your mindset

Here are some ways to implement self-discipline practices everyday according to medium.com.

They suggest that you stay active when it comes to discipline. Do what you need to do and don’t get distracted. Stick to what you need to get done each day. This is called an Active Discipline method.

The next is the Reactive Discipline tactic. Control your thoughts or behavior when dealing with unforeseen situations. Treat yourself with kindness but know what is right and wrong.

Do things in advance to better manage a situation. If you know it is going to rain, bring an umbrella. Create a to do list or go to bed on time. Keep temptation at a minumum or as the phrase goes, “do not step into the lion’s den” because you know will happen if you do. This last one is called the Proactive Discipline strategy.

However, the quote below says it better:

“Don’t stand in front of the cookie (cheesecake) with your eyes glued to it.” Unknown

It’s a practice and as with every new goal you have to work towards it. It doesn’t just happen once and you’re done with it. It is a constant which requires full-minded focus but the rewards are worth it. You become more adapt at time management, you become mentally stronger, it helps you to overcome laziness and procrastination, and you build better relationships showing more empathy and love. People with higher self-discipline are more trustworthy and likable as well.

What’s not to like? Set it in motion because no self-discipline means no success.

Have an amazing day.

Figure It Out

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“You don’t need to have it all figured out to take a step forward.” Unknown

This is the absolute truth. You don’t need to know everything before you take the next step forward but you have to trust in the process to move forward, one step at a time. You’ll get there.

“You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt.”

“You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.” Unknown

This is where we go wrong I think. We want what we think we deserve but life has other plans for us. Go with what you have, work with what you have and make it the best set of cards for you and you’ll come out the winner. I have to remind myself of this as well the next time I moan and groan at the unfairness of it all!

“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.” Unknown

The stories we tell ourselves can be the road to disaster. It screws us up. How it’s supposed to be and what you do to get there are two different things. It’s not going to fall into your lap, whatever it is that you want, it takes hard work and that is the truth of the matter.

“You don’t have to figure everything out today. You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. And you don’t have to tackle everything at once. You just have to show up and try. You just have to focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. And you have to trust that you’ll figure out the rest along the way.” Daniel Koepke

Nice piece of advice that. Just keep moving, show up and you’ll be on your way.

“My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.” Unknown

Okay this one speaks to yours truly! I can’t for the life of me figure out the plot. Perhaps it is best not to ask but to just trust that I have what it takes to make it and the rest will fall into place. Easier said than done!

“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” Michael Jordan

This special piece of advice is what life is about. Giving up is not going to do it and as I often say, bite the bullet and keep on going.

TODAY

figure out what makes you happy and do more of it, figure out what doesn’t, and do – less of it. –

Mandy Hale

YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT!

Have an amazing day.

The Blame Game

It’s easy to blame someone or something for where we’re at in life, isn’t it? We, as humans, tend to look for excuses and reasons as to why we’re at a low point in life. It’s easy to say, “You’re the reason why or this happened and that’s the reason why.”

Perhaps we should turn it around and ask ourselves how much of the blame do we carry ourselves? Sure, there are reasons, excuses and sometimes legit circumstances for looking for somewhere or someone to place the blame on, however, if you’re honest with yourself, much of the responsibility lies on your shoulders and yours alone.

People can trigger certain outcomes but it is how you decide to deal with the situation that defines how you handle it and where you go from here.

“It’s easy to be the victim. It’s easy to point the finger of blame. It’s easy to stay stuck and unhappy.

I don’t do easy.” Bruce Van Horn

I don’t either. I’ve been stuck before and refused to move and I have been totally unhappy but I don’t stay there for long. My mom once told me, “If you fall, dust off and get back on that horse.” It seemed silly at the time but that piece of advice has stood the test of time. Sometimes it takes a while before I get moving again and yes, at times I look for ways to deflect and to put the blame on someone else because that would be the easiest option to the problem at hand but it is also the way to not take responsibility for my part in the situation. Did I let it happen? Did I see it coming and chose not to do something about it? More importantly, how much blame do I give myself for what happened?

The thing is, situations happen, circumstances happen and life happens. Looking for easy options rather than looking for solutions is not going to get you out of where you’re at.

Remember:

“When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” Louis Nizer

Why do we blame others?

According to innerbalanceaz.com, it’s because”

It’s easy

It feeds a need for control

It fuels a desire for perfectionism

It keeps them from having to be vulnerable

It protects their ego

It unloads backed-up feelings

Furthermore, “it offers a quick escape from guilt and is effortless when feeling defensive.”

However, if you get good at the blame game, you become so adept at it that it may even feel good in the beginning but it is a losing game in the end. Blaming leads to more blaming, it leads you to feelings of helplessness, it stunts your personal growth because you’ll always be looking for the easy way out and you form unhealthy relationships because blaming triggers mistrust and judgment which in turn pushes people away.

Taking responsibility is hard and we don’t do ‘hard’ too well, do we? Guess what? Hard is needed to turn that ‘point finger’ inwards and to take some of the blame yourself. It is also needed to get you to where you want to go in life and easy is not going to cut it. The next time you take aim at someone to place the blame on them, look at yourself and then go from there.

“It’s easy to blame everyone and everything for our failures and lack of success isn’t it…that means we don’t have to do anything to change….

Blaming gets you off the hook…..but it will never get you the life you dream of.”

ONLY RESPONSIBILITY WILL DO THAT.

TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY.

Have an amazing day.

Toxic People

We’ve met them, had to deal with them and been in relationships with them. I’m talking about toxic people. We’ve suffered the consequences but still carried on hoping that change would come. It never does. The outcome is always the same. It is often accompanied by pain and confusion. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is little you can do to change a ‘toxic’ person but you can protect yourself.

In order to deal with a toxic person you need to know their modus operandi or rather how they operate in their world. According to The Mind Journal, there are six types of toxic people.

THE NARCISSIST

Only cares about themselves

Lacks empathy

Truly believes they are better than everyone around them.

THE CONTROLLER

Tries to control everything around them.

Needs to be in charge of every decision.

Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right.

THE DRAMA MAGNET

Feeds off of gossip and drama

Drama seems to ‘follow them’ (they create it).

Puts you in uncomfortable positions.

THE ENERGY VAMPIRE

Drains you of energy, overwhelms you.

Creates problems and feeds on the negativity.

Criticizes and bullies you.

THE COMPULSIVE LIAR

Tells white lies constantly.

Manipulates and gaslights you.

Master of guilt trips.

THE GREEN EYED

Cannot be happy for other people’s good fortune.

Plays the victim

Minimizes other people to feel better about themselves.

These people often bring conflict, negativity and confusion not to mention pain into your life. Dealing with them is like walking on a minefield not suspecting anything would go wrong but eventually it does because they are wired a certain way. They are manipulative, oftentimes abusive and they will find ways to justify their behavior. Remorse never crosses their mind and taking accountability for their actions is a never never thing. They usually take without giving back.

“Just remember, we are all toxic. Every single human being is capable of being toxic, has been, currently is at times.

But some people have the desire to be educated on it and do better while others will ignore any accountability and continue to act the same way.”

Pay Attention

It is not clear why we keep doing circles around toxic people? Perhaps it has something to do with stupidity and the definition of stupid goes like this.

“Knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but still believing the lies.” Unknown

Toxic people for all their flaws can be magnetic. They tend to pull you in and make you want to stay for awhile and if love is involved, it brings a whole new dimension with it.

“Love is 50% stupid and 50% brilliant. The challenge is figuring out which part of it you’re experiencing at any given moment.” Unknown

Once you’ve figured out that you’ve hitched your yoke to a toxic person and don’t know what to do, the following quote might just help.

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about Removing Toxic People From Your Life.

“It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance, you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” Unknown

Painful but short and sweet and perhaps this is the only language that ‘toxic’ people understand. Unfortunately.

Have an amazing day.

STOP!

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It’s Time To STOP

Letting others decide your worth.

Forcing unhealthy connections.

Trying to ‘fix’ other people.

Dismissing your own feelings.

Thinking it’s too late to start.

Dwelling on past mistakes.

Overanalyzing everything you do. (WiseLivn)

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Time to put those items into practice. The hardest will be the last one. I do overanalyze everything to the point that I start out with something small and by the time I finish with it, it has been blown to gigantic proportions.

Note to Self: STOP DOING THAT!

Have an amazing day.

MOVE!

Movement is needed in all aspects of our lives. Digging in your heels and staying put never works. It might for a short time but never in the long run. When life shows us its idiosyncrasies, human nature is quick to respond and oftentimes we respond by digging in our heels and thumping our nose at it. The problem is the more you dig in your heels, the bleaker life feels, that’s because:

“If we were meant to stay in one place, we’d have roots instead of feet.” Rachel Wolchin

What is the true meaning of life? Many have tried to find a definition but no one knows for sure. One thing is for sure and that is LIFE HAPPENS. It doesn’t stand still and it moves faster than we want it to at times.

“Once a wise man was asked, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ He replied, ‘Life itself has no meaning. Life is an opportunity to create meaning.’

However, to create meaning out of something that is handed to you and you don’t want to face head on is hard, very hard. First thought that comes to mind when I’m faced with ‘hard’ is, I am going to dig in my heels and ignore it for all its worth. Life, on the other hand, is not going to take no for an answer. Adapt or stay where you are and deal with the consequences of your non-action and that, my friend, could be worse than what it throws your way. If you want to have the upper hand, you’ve got to MOVE!

John Wooden says,

“If we fail to adapt, we fail to move forward.”

Isn’t that the absolute truth? In order to accept and move on, you first have to change your mindset and make a conscious effort to move on. Where? There are no clear-cut answers and that is the scary part. It seems the outcome is all up to you. Putting one foot in front of the other is needed and taking small steps is needed too. Staring at the four walls in front of you and howling at the moon is not going to do it. You need to MOVE!

You need to take what is handed to you, sieve through the pieces and make sense out of it. Say, I can do this and go do whatever it is that needs to be done and do it. This move is not for the weak of heart. It takes courage and unrelenting strength plus trust that it will all turn out well in the end. Sometimes all it takes to climb that insurmountable mountain is attitude. A positive attitude combined with never giving up will get you to the top of the mountain and beyond. MOVE!

Albert Einstein once said:

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

I like this one better.

“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.” Charles M. Schulz

Always remember, you can’t start the next chapter of your life, if you choose to stay in one place and refuse to MOVE! Don’t let life pass you by. Keeping up is what it is all about.

MOVE!

Have an amazing day.

Press Reset

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“Don’t forget power in resetting, on any given day…you are allowed to start over, if you feel like you’re going down the wrong path, RESET.” Reyna Biddy

When the sun goes down and you find yourself staring at another day ending and you realize that progress is not being made, hit the “RESET” button. You are not stuck even though it might feel that way at times but you have the power to change whatever it is you want to change in your life. You need the mindset, know what it is you’re after, hit “reset” meaning clear the slate and start over again. .

It is not that simple I know. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you’ll have to do because changing your mindset is not easy and it is not simple either. Old habits die hard and sometimes they are hard to give up because there is comfort in hanging on to things that feel comfortable even if in reality they are not. Laziness, putting out the least effort possible and waiting for the world to reward you for nothing in particular is not going to work and it has never worked.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C. S. Lewis

It takes YOU to change your place in the world. Where you stand, how high or low you are in the grand scheme of things all depends on you but one thing is clear, progress needs hard work. It means falling down a few more times than you wanted to but always keeping your eyes on the prize. If you want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you’ve got to go after it. It is human nature to want to make life simple but it has other plans for us. Life is about learning from your mistakes, saying “no” to easy and knowing that you’ve got to throw yourself into “hard” to make it happen. Falling down is part and parcel of this thing called life but standing back up and moving forward gives you another chance, another opportunity to reach your end goal. You need to be better and you need to set yourself apart from the ordinary to make it. Sparkles and sunshine sounds good but it is going to take grit and determination to get you there.

Hitting “reset” and doing the same old things over and over again is not going to do it either. You need to “refocus” to get things going again. If something is not working, focus on what it is and change it. Try different angles and attitudes and at some point you’ll get it right, at least I hope I will at some point in time. Until then, I’ll hit “reset” as many times as I need to and I’ll tell the “victim mentality” I carry around with me which keeps me from achieving my goals to hit the door as well!

So if you’re standing where I have been many many times before and watching the sun set on another fruitless day, hit “RESET.” Tomorrow is on its way, it’s a new day to work your magic on a blank slate and to have your name written there as a success story. It’s all up to you.

Reset, refocus, readjust, restart, as many times as you need to. JUST NEVER GIVE UP!” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Been There, Done That!

How often have you used the words above to describe the “deja vu” feeling of having experienced the exact same event or incident over and over again with the very same and often painful outcomes? I know I have and I’m sure many of you have. So why do we keep repeating the same cycle over and over again? Perhaps, it’s because of this.

“Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.” Unknown

I’ve done this many times over. This meaning, “I told myself I would never go through this and find myself in the same uneventful place again.” Like dating the wrong person with the exact same habits as the one I left behind. Then I find myself months down the road faced with the exact same situation but with another individual. I told myself I would never do cheaters, liars, control freaks and narcissists ever again but lo and behold, it never fails. They seem to come out of the woodwork as far as I am concerned and I am faced with the self-same situation only to scream, “What am I doing wrong?”

I think we are creatures of habit and therefore love embracing familiarity more than commonsense! What feels familiar is comforting. It gives us a sense of warmth and maybe even a feeling of “home.” You’ve heard the saying, “Home is where the heart is?” Well, not in this case! According to Isabel Buchbinder, “repeating patterns do not happen by coincidence. Repeating patterns are merely lessons which can be seen as an opportunity for us to evolve and grow.” The question remains, how often do you have to fall in order to grasp the lessons you have to learn? Unfortunately, there are no clear-cut answers. Some learn quickly and others not at all. I hope I am NOT in the “not at all” category but it sure feels that way at times.

Here again, Ms. Buchbinder has some good tips on how to break free and to move on to greener and more acceptable behavior traits. She says, “the reoccuring external situation is trying to get our attention so that we focus within and change this internal limiting structure and thus break the pattern. She adds, “don’t bleed on those who didn’t hurt you.” It just means heal yourself first before entering a relationship. This also means, “once you heal your subconscious limitations and traumas, you no longer repeat patterns and you will start attracting life situations which are more suitable for your well-being and more heightened state of life!”

“Life will keep on repeating the same situation through different circumstances until we have learnt the lesson.” Isabel

How do you break this self-fulfilling prophecy? Here are five steps from Isabel, not easy but worth the try.

The first step is to become aware of the pattern.

The second step is to observe the situation but don’t react.

The third step is to identify the lesson it is trying to teach us.

The fourth and perhaps the hardest step is to accept the situation, integrate, heal and let it go. Letting go takes forever in my world and even when I do, I keep looking back with one foot in the past and one foot in front.

The fifth step, if you’re confronted with a “repeating pattern” again, it’s just life wanting to know if you’ve learned the lesson and have fully let go. Lord, have mercy!

Be gentle with yourself, accept what you can’t change, learn from what you can and take the next step in the right direction. If you find yourself faced with the same old stuff from another individual but in a different body, don’t walk but RUN! and don’t look back.

“Break through that imaginary ceiling you’ve placed over yourself.” Unknown

AND

“Life has a way of making you repeat the same patterns until YOU choose to break the cycle.”

Have an amazing day.

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“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.” Nicole Sobon

Starting over is a hard thing to do. It means accepting what has happened and making the decision to move on. It is not that simple is it? We often want to stay awhile and in some cases, we never want to let go because there is comfort in holding on. I know someone who has held on for over a decade and still refuses to let go, not because it was the best thing that had happened to him, I am sure in his mind he thinks it is, but because he is comfortable where he is and so his life is at a standstill. He rekindles the memories over and over again and never gives them time to fade or to heal. It is like a wound that refuses to heal because he keeps picking at it.

I think looking at the past and all that we’ve had to live through especially the bad parts as lessons learned instead of as things that happened which brought us to our knees, might just do the trick.

Speaking from my experience of the betrayal and the divorce that followed in my own life, it did bring me down to my knees. As I have said before, I felt like a bird with clipped wings and I was for a long time. It is only recently that I’ve decided to look at my past, mindfully go through the remnants of what was left of the life that was once mine that I realized I would never do it again. What? I would never settle for a man with no morals or integrity. These are the building blocks of any relationship and so I will not settle for less. That said, the lesson I have learned is that I won’t be dependent on one man to make me complete. I am complete as I am and learning that has opened new doors for me. I am stronger, more capable and I wouldn’t say fearless but less fearful. There are new roads to travel with my new found sense of freedom and knowledge of myself and I am taking it with me along with all the other lessons I will learn to the finish line.

“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” Unknown

Losing a loved one is hard to bear. I was lost for awhile when it happened to me. I accompanied my friend on his final journey and back then I didn’t realize it would take superhuman strength to do that. My focus was on despair, anger, sadness and an incredible sense of unfairness. I didn’t see the strong woman emerging out of the cocoon she was in. ”I can’t” was my mantra but I learned soon enough that I was capable of so much more even if it meant losing someone very dear to me. Life was teaching me a lesson if I was willing to learn it. The problem was I wasn’t accepting any lessons at that time. I hugged and kissed him goodbye without breaking down, that came later. I think there is tremendous strength within each of us that only comes into play when called upon to push ourselves to the limit. I learned that weakness is an option, an easy one. It is easy to run and hide, but the other one, strength is learned while going through what is considered the impossible and still coming out on top. I did.

When I became an empty nester, I thought life had come to a standstill for me. Being a mom was my biggest role and I relished it. He was my world. When he left to pursue what all young men do, part of me refused to let go, the selfish part. Eventually I let him go with tears in my eyes and slowly, very slowly, I learned that I was fully capable of handling this and much more.

Life never stands still and those things that it throws our way, the ones that make us cringe and shy away or the ones that make us throw up our hands and say, this is enough, I can’t do this, well they are exactly the ones that will teach us who we are as a person, the ones that will open new doors if you let it and the ones that will take you to where you need to go. Did I pass with flying colors? Not without putting up a fight first. I cried and berated at the unfairness of it all but when I calmed down and looked within, I found the answers to go on and I learned that there was enough resources within me to battle even the worst storms one step at a time. Simplify your life, get rid of the excess that blinds you to what is happening and maybe you will learn the lessons life is teaching you. Remember it may not be fair, it may not be just but in order to get to where you need to be, it is necessary and that in itself might be the hardest lesson to learn.

“In my life, I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes but most of all….I’ve learned.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.