I think it was when I had my first job during the school holidays. Not sure how old I was, perhaps fifteen. The job was nothing to brag about. I worked in a store as a sales person. It was my first step into feeling like I was doing something productive. The job itself was boring and one thing I knew, I wanted to do better than that.
Anyway, when I got my first paycheck I was over the moon. It was money I had earned on my own and there was pride in that. Okay, it was a paltry sum but back then it felt like a whole lot of money! On my way home, I stopped at a Chinese restaurant and picked up some food to go. I think it was a noodle dish and a stir fry of some sort. Happy as a lark, I made my way home with the food containers tightly in grip and a big smile on my face.
I walked in the door like a grown up. Walking over to the table I placed the containers on the table and declared, “I brought food home.” I think I was glowing from head to toe! Watching my brothers and sisters dig in was something else and when my parents did the same, I felt like a grown up for the very first time.
It was my first grown up experience. However, these days kids are different. My son had everything handed to him and he led a privileged life. Work was nowhere in the picture and when he had to step out in the real world, I thought this is going to be a difficult transition. Well, it was. Amidst the complaints of working for a living and falling flat on his face, he is learning to be a grown up in his own way. Thank God for that!
Daily writing prompt
When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.
Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God, “Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don’t let my husband find out.”
Suddenly, she hears a voice from above. “Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning.”
The woman hesitates at first but then responds, “Alright Lord, if it means he’ll never find out, then so be it.”
The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.
One day, she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is stuck with grief and begins praying frantically to God again:
“God, you’re not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?”
She hears a familiar voice. “Are you kidding me? I’ve been working to gather all you cheaters here for years!”
BOOM! It may take years but it all comes back eventually and HOW!!!
I was listening to Matthew Hussey, a well-known dating coach the other day. What he had to say was mind-blowing if not eye-opening. He pointed out that women fall for the wrong types all the time. He mentioned that quite often the red flags are there, clearly visible but we choose not to see it. Instead of putting a stop right there and then, we walk in with our eyes wide open.
He talked about seven signs that women should pay attention to and if those signs are clear and present, RUN is his advice! I’ve seen some of them myself and like those women he talks about in his podcast, I went in with my eyes wide open and was led to the slaughter willingly!
Here are the 7 signs.
1) I don’t want to hurt you or I don’t want to lead you on.
According to Matthew, he is giving you fair warning that it is exactly what he is about to do, hurt you that is, only he thinks that by being upfront about his intention, it will tamper the pain that is to follow. This line basically gives him the permission to mistreat you but with your consent! The ball is in your court and most women fall for it. He’s also telling you that he is not in it for the long run only for what he can get both emotionally and physically. If he finds someone better, he will leave in a heartbeat! RUN if you hear those words.
2) You deserve better than me.
Instead of saying, “You’re probably right,” we fall for this hook, line and sinker! According to Matthew, this is mental warfare at its best. What happens when you hear that line? You do the opposite and that is what he is counting on. It is manipulation at the smartest level and you can bet your bottom dollar that he has done it before. This opens up the field for him to use, abuse and mistreat you. RUN!
3) I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Hmm…a good one and this one tells you what you need to know. Instead of running in the opposite direction and never looking back, this one has a certain pull and mystery about it. Let’s dive in and find out. You don’t really want to know because if he is telling you upfront that he is not serious, listen and keep moving. However, if you go in knowing what the outcome will be then you only have yourself to blame right? It is not as simple as that. These loser types know how to play the game, terrible though it might be. He is counting on you to accept what he is putting out there and in a way, he feels that he has been honest but in an insidious way. He is offering NOTHING from the get go. RUN!
4) You knew what this was.
What?!! Come again? The problem with this is that they expect the emotional and physical contact but with no strings attached. They’ll walk in a heartbeat if someone better walks in and it doesn’t matter if you’re holding your broken heart in your hands. It is all about them. The other thing is if it was nothing then they should have kept their emotions and hands to themselves! Try pointing that out to them but there is no winning with this one. He was never serious in the first place and it was all a manipulation tactic played like a pro.
5) I don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Hey buddy, if it was just friendship you should have stopped with the love scam you were pulling! Friendship is one thing and a relationship is another. If there are feelings involved and you played it to the hilt, then it wasn’t just friendship, it was something more. However, these losers are all about themselves so don’t ask them to own up to it. They never will. It’s a cruel game and they know it. RUN!
6) Why do we need to put a label on it?
According to them labels such as “girlfriend” which eventually leads to something more serious is unnecessary in the world they live and operate in. They want to keep it open so that they can walk when the time suits them. Here again, it is all about them. That line is meant to keep his options open. Labels are part of the norm in the normal relationship spectrum of things but as far as these guys are concerned, they march to a different drumbeat, it is one of using, abusing and discarding. RUN!
7) You’re different from other women I’ve dated.
Wow, how poetic! This one sounds like the ultimate compliment but there is deceit involved with this one as well. They hold you up as someone special only to make you complicit in their mistreatment of you. According to Matthew, it is done to hide their emotional unavailability. This tactic is psychologically damaging because you find yourself in a game of not knowing where you stand and that is part of the plan. They’ll keep you guessing as long as you serve a purpose, one of boosting their ego. The cruelty is that you cater to their needs hoping that they will see you as this caring person and they will eventually choose you. The truth is YOU ARE NOT THE ONE! Instead of being honest, they dance around and pull you into the fray disregarding the hurt they will cause when they take off in another direction later on. RUN!
Matthew is quick to point out that not all men are like that. However, speaking from experience, I say there are plenty out there who are. Take it slow, keep your eyes open, observe carefully and if you see any of those signs above, do not hesitate. just do this. RUN!
This is an issue that still grips me today. I used to be against the taking of a life and the death sentence was a no go as far as I was concerned until the day someone took my mother’s life.
My world got turned upside down and at the forefront was the issue of the death sentence. I was so sure that she (the perpetrator) would get the death penalty. I was so wrong but the problem was that I was sitting on the fence wanting it to happen, the death penalty to be handed down, and at the same time I wasn’t so sure. It was a time of deep unrest and turmoil of the worst kind.
I changed from someone who was against capital punishment to someone who thought that “an eye for an eye” was the way to go. Since I couldn’t do it myself, believe me I wanted to, I would let the justice system mete out the punishment. SHE deserved to die for what she had done! That was my rallying cry at the time.
The decision was not in my hands. The verdict was manslaughter to a lesser degree. Outrage? Absolutely. Why? I don’t know. Some technicality, it was said. Anyway, at some point in time while I was raging about the unfairness of it all, I looked in the mirror and saw someone else emerging. A person filled with anger, rage and revenge. I didn’t like what I saw.
I’ve changed my views on the death penalty since then. It’s a matter of survival for me. I needed to let go of the “demon” holding me in its grip. Rage and revenge had no place in my life. My mom is in a better place and so I decided to let it be. Basically, capital punishment does not deter crime but more importantly, the death penalty would not have brought my mom back to life.
I’ve changed my mind and I’m back to where I was in the beginning. No death penalty. One source says that capital punishment “constitutes cruel, inhuman, and degrading punishment, which is prohibited under international human rights standards.” I still ask the question, “Did my mom get the justice she deserved.” The answer is a resounding NO! However, capital punishment would not have made it better either.
Daily writing prompt
What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?
Courage is not being, “fearless.” Courage is shaking at the knees, chocking on your words, heart gripped by uncertainty, but stepping forward on your journey anyway. (Unknown)
That quote right there says it all. Courage doesn’t arrive with grand gestures but in small steps. It means showing up for yourself even if you don’t feel like it. It means getting up in the mornings and saying, “I’m going to try again.” It means staring whatever is holding you back right in the face and daring to take that first small step forward. It means moving towards that mountain top not knowing what is waiting for you there but trusting that it will be better than where you’re at right now.
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.” Napoleon Bonaparte
How often have you thrown up your hands and said, “I give up!” I’ve been there and so have you. However, it is those very moments that call for courage to step up and to put fear in its place. It is easy to run and hide, to not show up for yourself and to wear the mantle of defeat proudly. Moving on becomes heavy and each step forward, sometimes next to impossible. Courage needs practice like anything else in life. It doesn’t happen overnight and neither is it easy. Each time you face defeat as you inevitably will because life is about overcoming obstacles and nothing is going to be made easy and handed to you on a silver platter. The truth of the matter is, it takes work and sometimes hard work to achieve what you want. On your way, you will meet fear (my constant companion) and you will meet defeat. However, you are made of stronger stuff and you, my friend, are capable of showing up, time and time again until one day you are holding the letter “V” in your hands and giving whatever is holding you back a run for the money!
“COURAGE DOESN’T ALWAYS ROAR. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher
Remember practice makes perfect and “courage” in small doses is what it is about. Make a list and start with the smallest thing on that list. Work your way up one step at a time putting fear where it belongs. Good luck on your journey.
I don’t know what brought this on but it seems like I’m grieving all over again. It could be the changing of the season where the days are getting shorter and darkness is coming in earlier and staying longer. Enough time has passed and it should have made it better but there are too many reminders that trigger those memories, ones that I have put aside in order to move on.
Your brother called and he checks in on me not as frequently as he used to do but once in a while. Today was one of those days. He sounded concerned about the test I had gone through and was really relieved that all turned out well. Then he said, “If there is anyone who deserves good things in her life, it is you.” It went straight to my heart but he didn’t see the tears rolling down my face. I got off that phone call and I felt the familiar strains of memories trying to fight their way back in.
Last week, while on my way to the fields, I saw a neighbor and she started up a conversation. It was strange because I never really liked her and we never made small talk before and yet there she was ready to strike up a conversation. It started off about our kids, she has a daughter the same age as my son. Then, it came. “What about …….how is he doing? I always liked him. A nice guy.” So I told her and her face dropped and then she gushed with sadness and condolences. I answered, “Thank you and yes he was a good guy.” Then I went to the fields and you were right there walking beside me, quiet and calm as you always were.
Then for some reason, the Teddy Swims song, “Let Me Love You,” came on and it took me all the way back. It was the third song you sent me and I stopped what I was doing and listened as emotions came rushing back up. Remember, the first Christmas when I invited you over for Christmas Eve dinner and I had my ex there as well? You showed up all dressed up wearing a tie but I could see the nervousness on your face. My ex was shooting daggers at you with his eyes because he felt you were encroaching on his territory but he forgot that he gave it up for a roll in the hay or two with someone who was the spitting image of Olive Oyl, Popeye’s girlfriend or was it his wife? Anyway….
Later, I asked you, “How did it go? Was it ok?”
YOU: “Oh I didn’t mind because I only had eyes for you!”
That one sentence catapulted my self-esteem back to where it should be after having felt “ugly” for months on end when he tossed me aside for everything that moved on two feet! My ex had grown out of his “nerd” phase and was ready to make up for lost time. He took the saying, “Too many women, too little time,” straight to the heart and practiced it religiously!
It has been a hard weekend. Thoughts of you still linger and sometimes it is a song that triggers it or a mere mention of you or just because and I am back to where I shouldn’t be. They say time heals all things but it sure is taking its time.
Staying calm and focused when your mind tells you otherwise is normal. It is human nature. My mind goes haywire and jumps around like a monkey when I’m stressed or I have to concentrate on what is before me and what needs to get done. Oftentimes I need to take a step back, go within myself to find the strength and to focus on what I need to do to move on. It doesn’t always work but it does work if I stay focused.
“The ability to remain calm and focused on what truly matters is a superpower.” Unknown
Be like the tree that has weathered many storms and is still standing. It takes practice and a certain kind of mindset to weather a storm, any storm. If you’ve never worked a day in your life and the time has come to find a job, to get independent and to stand on your own two feet, you tend to lose focus because the unknown is formidable. However, with each fall you take, you gain the strength and the know how to get back up and to keep moving. Time, focus, calm and lots of practice makes it possible and soon you will be standing like that tree, strong and unshakeable in any storm. Breathe and keep moving. Standing still is never the answer.
“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.” S. C. Lourie
Stay focused but not on the wrong things. I can’t do this is not one of them. This is way too scary is not one of them. The ‘monster’ is too hard to slay is not one of them. Focus on finding the positive within the negative. Be prepared to put one foot in front of the other but whatever you do, do not take the easy way out or rather the coward’s way out and give up. It is easy to give up but much harder to step into an unknown arena and to win the day. YOU CAN DO THIS!
“Sometimes you need to slow down, remain calm, and simply let life happen. Take a deep breathe and focus on the simple important things: you are alive, you are breathing, you are enough as you are. You got this.” Unknown
Finally, tell the monkey in your brain that keeps dragging you all over the place with no end in sight to take a hike! Breathe, calm yourself down and stay focus on what you need to do to make it. YOU’VE GOT THIS!
I don’t know if being principled is a good trait since it has caused unnecessary pain in times past because I refused to stray from what I thought was right and being rigid and principled sometimes means that you get the short end of the stick as well.
We live in a world where “principles” are not as important as they use to be. Bending the rules to suit your needs has become part and parcel of behavior in today’s society. However, I have held on steadfastly to my principles.
The good thing about being principled is that you are committed to integrity, honesty and you are responsible in your actions . There is a certain moral compass that enables you to come across as a trustworthy and reliable person. The bad thing? It can be a hindrance because people may view you as a person who has a stick so far up the you know what that there is no getting you to see their side of things. Been there, done that, and I continue to do that!
However, it is their opinion. I like being principled and there are certain things I will stand for and others absolutely not.
Spinster for life? Who knows only time will tell. I might be like that captain who went down with his ship bearing full responsibility for the vessel, only I will be holding onto my principles till the very end!
“Once you’ve matured, you realize silence is more powerful than proving a point.” Unknown
Human nature is such that when we think or perceive that a wrong has been done, “silence” one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal is overlooked and venting comes to the forefront. Sure, it feels better after a vent and rage session BUT did you achieve anything?
“He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” Elbert Hubbard
It’s like “throwing pearls before swine” and it translates into, “to offer something valuable to those who will not appreciate or understand its worth.” Herein likes the truth of the matter. If the person never appreciated you in the first place, no amount of anger, rage, or venting is going to make them change their mind. It boils down to, “You didn’t matter to them.” The truth hurts doesn’t it? Sure it does, but don’t expect them to see that hurt because they won’t. The thing is, they don’t care. YOU have to learn that not all responses, rejections, or insults deserve a response. Pick your battles carefully and to someone who didn’t see your worth in the first place, this is a losing one. It is time to close the door and to move on.
“Sometimes, silence is the best revenge. Not every lie or deceit deserves your reaction. Embrace the power of quiet strength and let your peace speak louder than words.” Unknown
In times past, any wrongdoing was met with strong words, anger and even sadness but these days I “embrace silence” and I go within to find my strength and that is where my power resides.
“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.” Rumi
Believe me, HEAR you will. You will not only hear but also see clearly all the unworthy things you put up with. How you gave credit to someone who didn’t deserve an iota of it and how you stood by and let them take your heart for a ride of the unsavory kind. I guess you can say I’ve matured because “letting go” of such individuals has become a matter of fact thing. I let my silence do the talking. However, when you do embrace silence, don’t expect that they’ll come running back. Accept it as water under the bridge because the wrongdoers know what they’re about and your silence is not going to change them.
There is no winning, just a conscious decision to let go and let it float away. There will be better days and better people on the way. The wrong ones will fade away. You just need to detach from the drama. Don’t let your emotions control you, open your mind and observe carefully. Embracing silence helps you to do just that. Here’s the thing, not everyone deserves access to your emotions.
“When you understand your worth, arguments become unnecessary.” Unknown
I’m not too big into cultural heritage. I consider myself a global citizen and as such I embrace all cultures and have made it a point to learn all there is to learn about other cultures.
As you know I spent a lot of my time in Asia and it was there that I learned to embrace the food culture. It was amazing! Each country had a different cuisine and I loved almost all of them. However, learning about what Asian culture entailed took broader thinking. There were things I liked and there were things I didn’t. I loved the friendliness of the people but some customs took getting used to. Especially the ghost month. Everything was based on the spirit world and much was done to welcome them back to earth! I found this to be spooky.
Tennessee is different. It takes getting used to. They have a certain way of talking but not as bad as Kentucky! I love the food, the landscape and the people. I have a love for country music and since Nashville was not too faraway, I loved being there. Tennesseans are usually kind and friendly and throw in good home cooking and it is a culture you can easily embrace.
European cultural heritage is diverse and like any other culture, it is steeped in folklore, art, food, and people. There are certain customs that take getting used to. One is that they are conservatives and breaking into the community is hard to do. However, the cultural heritage is captivating and there is much to learn here as I am finding out.
What aspects of my cultural heritage am I most proud of or interested in? Like I said, I don’t belong to just one, I am a mish-mash of different parts. Parts that I learned about from having experienced different aspects of the world and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think I did that pretty well without disclosing too much!
Daily writing prompt
What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?
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