love – Page 7 – Site Title

Letting Go

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I’ve written about letting go before but this time it is about letting go of adult children. It is interesting how they come into your life and turn your world upside down from the first moment you hear that cry, that helpless cry which signals for you to step in and take over as their protector and their safe zone. However, as they start to grow, life becomes a series of letting go.

“Letting go of adult children involves trusting your parenting, allowing them to make mistakes for growth, setting healthy boundaries, and shifting from directing to supporting.”

I’ve been grappling with the idea of “letting go” ever since my son got the news shortly before Christmas that he got the job he has been dreaming of. I couldn’t have been prouder as he stood there wearing the “cat who swallowed the cream” look and gave me the news. I was PROUD but a day later, I found myself gasping for air. The move would mean he would be four hours away, an eternity to me. Even though university was two hours away and I went from, “I can’t!” to I will survive this. I did. However, there were days when my anxiety took over and I had to talk myself down from the tree I was on. I needed to believe that he would be alright but it was hard to do. Somehow I made it through.

“As a parent, you quickly realize that life is one long series of letting go: watching your kid crawl, then walk, then run, and then drive away.” Deborah Mitchell

The papers are there, he will have to make a decision soon and then it will happen whether I want it to or not. Part of me wants him with me but he is no longer a child, he is a young man getting ready to fly. He is looking forward to a new life and even though the unknown is scary, I sense that he is ready to go.

“Raising your child well is hard. But learning to let them go out into the world and prove that you did your job right is even tougher.” J. Crane

It is TOUGH! We had a long talk yesterday and I see this young man who thinks he has the world in the palms of his hands and he is ready to show the world that he is capable, strong, and ready to rumble! I still see my baby. I guess I always will.

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” Hodding Carter, Jr.

AND

“Loving your adult children means letting them grow, stumble, and soar on their own terms. Independence is their gift to themselves – and your gift to them.” Unknown

I KNOW that when the time comes and I have to let him go again, I will. Until then, I will talk myself into letting him go knowing that he has the wings he needs and I will be the wind under them if ever he needs me.

I’ve taught him well and it is time to fly even if my heart wants to hold a little tighter for just a little while longer.

“Being a good parent requires knowing when to push & when to back off when to help & when to let them make mistakes & then being strong enough to watch them go.” Unknown

I wish you well.

The Questions (Archives)

I wrote this post sometime last year but things haven’t changed much. The only difference is that I’ve stopped dating altogether and keeping company with Chachi, the cat. He’s the main man now but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up altogether. I’m learning what works and what doesn’t and believe it or not, I’m stronger. The problem is the more I find out about myself, the more I realize that NO ONE is going to be good enough! It comes with the territory. Know yourself and what you will settle for but at the same time be prepared to learn that what you’re looking for doesn’t exist! Or it’s a 100 in a million but that in itself says that there is still a chance. Fingers crossed!

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Why do we keep repeating the same mistakes when it comes to relationships? Why do we gravitate to the same types of people?

These are the questions I ask myself over and over again. It seems that I am drawn to the same types I left behind. It’s been a never-ending cycle and it seems like Groundhog’s Day over and over again to the point that it is horrific and mind-boggling to say the least.

Liars, cheaters and emotionally-unavailable men seem to draw me in like they’re magnetized and I have no willpower when it comes to these types. I walk in gladly like a lamb to the slaughter.

There is a reason so say the experts. They say “opposites attract” and “we are drawn to people who are strong in areas we are weak.” Hmm….there is more to this concept according to them. Two people who have an abusive past will be attracted to each other because they are viewed as equals. However, an abuser is not necessarily attracted to another abuser. He’s attracted to an “abusee” – or someone who will tolerate and enable his abuse. So to make it short and to the point, the “abusee” is familiar with abuse, be it physical, sexual or emotional abuse and so she is attracted to someone who gives her what she’s already comfortable with it.”

LORD HAVE MERCY!

Is there no way out of this pattern? There is, but first you need to know that:

“Simplicity and Complexity need each other.” Unknown

However, there is a way out but not an easy one. You have to work at it with a narrow-minded focus.

Here goes. If you want to attract better, you must be better meaning you need to discard what is within you, the cause for your need to be abused. Find out where it stems from. Your childhood? Adulthood? The experts say look for patterns and don’t sweep what you find under the rug. The only way to learn from it, get past it, is to go through it. Otherwise, you’re doomed to repeat and attract the same types only in a different body!

This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid. As I have said in one of my other post, I am like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to the types I mentioned above. I find them!

Here are some tips from beyourownbrandofsexy.com on how to attract quality or high-value men. First, know yourself well and know what you need in a relationship and what matters to you.

Identify your Needs

Know what works and won’t work for you. Be selective and be ready to discard if something shows up as a red flag. “Loving the wrong person teaches you the red flags to watch out for the next time around.”

Don’t Settle

This is important. We tend to settle when we know that the person is the wrong type only because we tell ourselves that he will change or I can make him change. They don’t change, what they show you is what you get. So how do you stop attracting narcissists and the wrong men? DO NOT let them get close to you. Know what your non-negotiable dealbreakers are and stick to them.

Be your Own Person

This means be your own true authentic self. Say “no” to bad matches. Become your true, authentic self which helps you to gravitate to people who are better matches for you.

Be Persistent

If you want to end up in a solid relationship, persistence pays. This doesn’t mean being persistent in chasing the wrong types but staying true and waiting for the right one to show up. Dating is a learning experience and unfortunately, you’ll have rejections, bad dates and disappointments AND you’ll have to kiss some frogs but if you keep at it and know what you want, you might just land the man of your dreams.

While you’re working on that, take care of yourself as well. No point letting yourself go because that is not going to do it. Lose some weight if you have to, get fit both mentally and physically, take care of your skin and teeth because one guy did ask me to show him my teeth on our first date! They’re out there. Just know that physical appearance matters so present the best version of yourself.

Now, I have to go figure out the patterns in my life which make me attract the same types over and over again. That’s the cycle I need to break! I definitely want to break this cycle of attracting low-value men and having to kiss frogs and hoping that they’ll turn into Prince Charming. Time to get working to put my best self forward armed with the knowledge of exactly what I’ll settle for.

I swear if this doesn’t work I’m giving up altogether!

Have an amazing day.

A Proud Mom!

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My son is home for the holidays. I can see that he has lost some weight but that cheeky smile remains the same. The first thing he did when he walked in was to look down at me and to put his hand on my head, not in reverence, but to show me that he was a big guy now! And he is. He is much taller but still the little kid I raised.

There is just this certain something that makes your heart skip a beat or two when you see the child you brought into this world doing well as a young adult. He is doing well. His current job keeps him busy and even though there are times that he “hates” the job, he is learning that working life will have its likes and “hates” but I’m sure he will take it all in stride. He is made of stronger stuff.

A little later in the day, I got a call from him from his Oma’s place that blew my socks off and left me in tears. I couldn’t believe what he was saying and I asked him to repeat it twice.

Him: “Mom, I got the job!”

Me: “The job?”

Him: “Yes, the JOB!”

He had applied for his dream job a year ago. Yes, a year ago. He went for two interviews and made it through both times. Then there was the painstaking process of finding out if he was the right person for the job. I can’t say too much but it is a dream job. This kid had never worked a day in his life! He was spoiled rotten and I thought he was going to have a tough time finding a job but he proved us wrong. Every job he applied for, he got. He seems to be an expert at doing interviews and breezing through them!

Anyway, he has landed his dream job and the person who called him told him that it was his Christmas present! He is on cloud nine and I am so proud of him! I’ve been walking around the house saying, “This is unbelievable!” So far, he has landed the job, the rest will be made clear when the new year arrives. There will be changes coming, a big move and so much more but for now, we are happy.

Can I say it again? I will. This is worth repeating.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

With tears of joy in my eyes.

Quotes

Marc and Angel Chernoff are a husband-and-wife team and they are known for sharing their strategies for happiness and success. They are also known for authoring NYT bestsellers like Getting Back to Happy and 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently. Here are some of their noteworthy quotes. Enjoy.

“When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting. Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated. Bring your attention back to what’s important, and move forward.”

Great advice but the problem is, I clear the clutter and then I add new ones to the equation! A lost cause?

“Don’t fall back into your old patterns. Toxic habits and behaviors always try to sneak back in when you’re doing better. Stay focused.”

Totally agree, they do sneak back in when I’m doing better. At times it seems like it is done on purpose to throw me off course.

“Your worth is not dependent on someone else’s ability to be kind and loving. Accept this, and start acknowledging your own worth. Stop waiting for others to tell you how important you are. Tell yourself, and believe it.”

This is a really good one. Your self-worth depends on you.

“Remember, you alone get to choose what matters and what doesn’t. The meaning of everything in your life has precisely the meaning you give it.”

This one hit hard. I’ve been going about it the wrong way. I usually give meaning to things that don’t matter, that is my problem. Time to change that.

“Someday you will understand the reasons….that it had to happen, just the way it did….to give you the lessons you needed to grow. It’s never ideal, and it’s rarely easy, but what doesn’t break you today only makes you stronger in the end. Take a deep breath, and keep going.”

The problem, I want to know the reasons now! Oh well, I am moving forward, that’s for sure.

“Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better. Be patient.”

I’m at that uncomfortable place right now. Waiting for the “things will get better” part!

“Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need.”

Hmm…hard to grasp this one. I’m learning to trust the journey but it’s the last part that has me confused. Oh well, it will make sense I suppose when I get to journey’s end.

Have an amazing day.

Rise Up and Stand Tall (Archives)

“Every morning you have two choices; continue to sleep with your dreams or wake up and chase them.” Carmelo Anthony

I’ve found that it’s easy to stay where you’re at. It doesn’t take much effort and it is comforting. You can mope, scream at whoever wants to listen and sometimes look for someone to blame for all your woes but what does that bring you? You’re not going anywhere if you stay put. It takes strength to stand back up. It takes courage to fight the battle and it takes the fire within you to keep on going. There were times when I wanted the world to go away and to leave me be. Let me wallow in misery was what I screamed but when all was said and done, I stood back up as I have done many times before. It takes putting one foot in front of the other and to just keep moving. I didn’t know where I was going, I only knew that I couldn’t stay where I was.

“It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.” Unknown

One thing is for sure, standing back up is not for the weak of heart but there is no other choice. You can claw your way back up, grasp at a helping hand to give you the boost you need or you can do it on your own. Whichever way you choose, there is only one way to go. Rise up and stand tall. It’s scary I know and it takes superhuman strength to move even an inch at times and that rabbit hole is inviting. If truth be told, it is not a permanent solution. If you want to feel the light back on your face again, you’ve got to move. You are fully capable of doing it.

“Do not forget who you are and where you come from. You are made of the brightest stars and the widest oceans. You are made of the highest mountains and the tallest trees. You are made of magic and dreams, wishes and light. You have heroes, warriors, kings, queens, gods and goddesses flowing through your veins. You come from infinite possibilities and incredible odds. You are here for a reason.” Nikki Banas

Make that reason count. You, my friend, are invincible. There is magic within you and that wand you hold in your hand, invisible though it may be, it has the power to change your life. Put it to good use and don’t give that rabbit hole a second look, it’s a thing of the past. You are meant for bigger and better things. You are powerful, you are beautiful and you are enough as you are.

“Fall seven times, stand up eight, and with each rise, you’ll find your strength will multiply.” Unknown

Have an amazing and powerful day.

Positive Events

This past year has seen both good and bad events. I will talk about the good events. One of them was the publication of my book, The Excellent Adventures of Honey and Hubie. It took forever to get it published and the waiting time was filled with frustration but there was a euphoric high when it was finally out there. Seeing it in print was a feeling I can’t really describe. Happiness was one thing, my writing being out there was another, and a certain nervousness as to what happens next followed.

I think every writer goes through those emotions. Will it make it was the other question? Will it be liked? Will it bomb? You get the drift. However, the first reviews were positive. Then more started coming in. They were mostly positive and then, it hit. I call it a bad review because it brought me back to earth with a loud thud! I was angry, sad, confused, and a whole host of other emotions I can’t even begin to describe. I decided to climb out of the hole, of my own making, and to take it in stride. Then followed more reviews and when the teachers, parents, and educators decided to join in and called it, “a classic in the making,” I was back up again.

If you’re a new author, here’s the thing. It seems that all 5-star ratings are not always a good thing, especially if you have a lot of reviews, according to you know who. Having a mix is a better way to go. I don’t know if that is true but the book is doing fine and I’m still waiting for that movie director to pick it up and say, “Here’s a hit movie in the making!” Hasn’t happened yet but fingers crossed!

The other thing that I’m still working on is to get “me” in a better place. Dating the wrong guys, putting up with false friendships, and learning to go it alone until I know what I really want and will tolerate in my life is taking some time. It is a work in progress. There has been ups and downs, falling flat on my face, picking myself back up again and thinking it is an impossible task to do. However, I am finding that I’ve made headway. The “wrong guys” have been sent packing, I’ve said goodbye to fake friendships and I am seeing a new person emerge out of the fog so to speak. She is much stronger, knows her self-worth and is ready to tackle whatever life throws her way. It doesn’t mean that I’ve made it. It just means that I’m willing to accept the challenge and to see what is out there as I make my way up the mountain top.

Will next year bring something better? I don’t know but positivity brings positivity as they say. One can only hope!

Daily writing prompt

What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?

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Five Things I’m Good at…

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Let’s see….hmm…..nothing comes to mind!

After much thinking, some things did come to mind. My dad used to say that I had an overactive imagination, way back when I was a little girl. I don’t disagree. It still is overactive and that is what helps my writing! If you’re wondering where does she come up with some of the stuff she writes about, blame it on “imagination” that knows no bounds!

The next thing I’m good at is taking a small problem and blowing it up into something unsolvable. When a problem shows up, I look at it and instead of dealing with it like a normal human being in a calm and collected fashion, I pull my hair out! You must be thinking that she pulls her hair out a lot. Right you are. Still, the bald spots are not showing yet because I’ve got plenty of it, hair that is! Overthinking is my arch enemy and my nemesis but I’m working on it.

The next thing I am good at is painting pictures with words. People tell me that they can imagine themselves in the story and that is a good thing. Mom was good at cooking, younger sister was good at singing and I thought I didn’t have any talents until I discovered writing. I agree with the “people” that I can and do paint pictures with words.

I’m a good mom. I was a goal-oriented and career-driven person and never thought I would be a mom one day. Finding out I was pregnant did not set too well with me. It meant giving up my career and moving to another country altogether BUT the minute I felt the little guy kick, I knew that I would be the best mom possible. I’ve always been there for my son and I guess I always will be. He’s my priority. However, Chachi, the cat, thinks he’s the priority! I tell him he’s my baby from another mommy but he says, “No mom, I’m your baby!” I suppose he’s right. I’m good at being a mom.

I’ve written about friendship here more than once. I’m a good friend or at least I try to be. Sometimes I get taken advantage of because of the “niceness” factor but I’m learning not to take everything and to let go when the so called friendship is not working out. I’ve got a criteria for friendship. Be on time, show up when in trouble or at least show that you care, stand by your friend and not jump ship at the first sign of trouble but most of all, be a good friend and not a fair-weather one.

There you are. Five things I think I’m good at. Next question please……

Daily writing prompt

Share five things you’re good at.

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One Thing I Would Change About Myself?

Hmm….just one thing? There are many things I would want to change about myself but ok, I’ll go with one and since you asked.

It would be hands done, being too nice. I have a tendency to bite the bullet and even when I want to let it rip, I step back, take a deep breath and come out smiling hiding my real feelings. It could hurt, I could think it is not fair, but still I take it in stride and instead of letting my feelings show, I let it go inside and do its job of bringing me to my knees at times and at other times, hit rock bottom.

Why? Why do I do that? I don’t know, it is part of my personality. This being “too nice” makes people view me as a pushover. Nice people end last? I think that phrase has a lot of truth to it. So, on this journey of self-discovery, I am learning to be more assertive, to not accept everything that comes my way and to say it like it is even if it is not well-received. My mental health matters, although it is a hard thing to do for someone like me.

These days, I step back and I come back wearing a cape! Ready to do battle? Not really, just standing up for myself. I am learning to like this new me but the old me still shows up wearing sackcloth and ashes and wants to talk me into going back to who I was. Not going to happen. There is something very “rejuvenating” about changing yourself for the better. Like it or not, here I am! Take it or leave it, that’s up to you.

Daily writing prompt

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

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The Separation

The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make was the decision to go separate ways. I was looking at a 16 year marriage going under and a little boy who doted on mom and dad and I knew it would break his heart and it did.

However, there was no other way out of the predicament I was in. I could pretend to stay in a marriage where one person dictated how it was going to be run. Meaning “cheating” was alright and I had no say in the matter. He learned different. Still, it wasn’t an easy thing to do. I had to take everything into consideration. I was in a foreign country, didn’t speak the language well, and I had a young boy to take care of. I still remember the letter our son wrote asking if he was the problem and if he was, he would do better. It broke my heart.

Walking away and shutting the door behind me was not an easy decision for all the reasons mentioned above but there was one other thing that took a hit. It was my self-esteem. I hit rock bottom and it took a long time and much working on myself to bring it back up. I learned that “cheating” destroys, it is a selfish act and the person who commits it, well they will do it again. It is just a matter of time. It becomes easier the next time around.

I wanted no part of that. During my journey, I also learned to find my self-worth and self-respect. It didn’t come easy but I knew that I was worth so much more and being in a mediocre relationship is not what a relationship is about. I don’t regret the decision to walk away.

Daily writing prompt

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

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Letting Go vs. Letting Go (Archives)

There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.

“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown

The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.

“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale

There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.

“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown

The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.

“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown

That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost an impossible thing to do.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey

Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.

LET GO & JUST LET IT BE.

Have an amazing day.