love – Page 8 – Site Title

Emotional Deja Vu

It is described as, “a feeling of intense familiarity and strong emotions associated with a new experience.” Even though the experience is a new one, the “been there, done that” feeling creeps in and it can bring either dread or joy.

I think we’ve all been there, at some point in our lives, finding ourselves on the same rollercoaster ride time and time again. The same bad experiences keep popping up and no matter how hard we try, we come back to Square 1 before we take off again, back on that rollercoaster with another person who just happens to be the same type you left behind but in a different body!

Have you asked yourself why?

One source says it’s because those “old wounds” haven’t healed and you’re carrying them around like an albatross around your neck. It could be coming from an old relationship that didn’t work out, some trauma that happened along the way which showed you that you are not enough or it could go all the way back to your childhood where you learned that you have to perform and work for everything including relationships.

You make yourself small to fit in. You put up with disrespect. You make do with the blatant lies hoping he’ll change but he never does. You accept crumbs when you should have the whole feast!

You need to stop attracting and accepting low-value men. They are the ones who don’t think twice about cheating on you because they know that whatever they do, you’ll go along for the ride. You will try harder because in your book, love is about conforming to what is asked of you not of being accepted on equal terms. You hang on their every word like a puppy dog and you wait for their validation which never comes. You eat up everything they feed you including the BS! You’re willing to give their “ego” an additional boost by placing a halo on their head, one you’ve decided they deserve. Why? It’s because you find yourself lacking in one way or another. And so the cycle continues.

High-value men do not play games and they are not EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED either! They know how to treat a woman right and they are willing to meet you halfway with love, respect and common decency.

How do you break this pattern of attracting what you are used to and the one your heart knows well?

Break the programming! Something in your past has tattooed this message into your being. “I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve better!” You seek what is familiar to you, the hurts, the pain, the knowing, the red flags. You take it all in and are even comfortable with them. It is what you know best. If you don’t break this cycle, it is emotional deja vu over and over again.

Work on knowing the patterns that get you there. Take time out to find out what you want and be honest about it. Know that you’ll feel lonely having to walk it alone for a while. It is needed.

Remember this:

“You’re a first place girl…..not a “just incase girl!”

AND

“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!”

SO HERE YOU GO!

Know who you are, know your self-worth, don’t settle for anything less and in time those rollercoaster rides will fizzle out. The one who’s meant for you will find you, this time to stay because YOU know exactly what you want and you are no longer settling for anything less than that!

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (3)

Archives

We know that love is elusive. We also know that it morphs and changes shape and just when you think you’ve found the one and only, it goes and shows you something different.

If you’ve got both feet firmly planted in the dating scene, you’re bound to meet one of the following types who give love a bad name sooner than later.

The Egoist

This guy is full of himself. Good looks are his calling card and he thinks the world revolves around him or rather he has women swooning at his feet. Well, the truth is they are at his beck and call because in a world where looks matter, he’s all the rage. However, peel away the outer layer and you’ll find more often than not that he’s sorely lacking in a couple of very important aspects. Sometimes looks disguise what is not there. If you’re a smart woman, it takes but a couple of dates to find out that the man of your dreams has an empty shell. If you’re looking for intelligent conversation and looking to hang on to his every word, THIS GUY IS NOT IT! Move on.

Mr. Trigger-Happy

This type may seem to have it all at first glance but that is where it ends. Give him a little time and some rope and he’ll gladly hang himself! All it takes with this dude to show his true self is to have a normal conversation, well what others might call normal but with this guy it’s like playing the Russian roulette. You’ll never know what rubbed him up the wrong way because everything does! He’s just waiting to unload all the years of repressed anger he’s held back and BOOM he’s off and running. Mostly not in your direction because he’s looking for someone to blame for all his problems. Love is the last thing on his mind. RUN and don’t look back!

The Conundrum

This guy is a headache and a half. He walks in like a hurricane, falls like a ton of bricks and is talking the “M” word before the first date is over! You’ll be wondering what hit you! Certainly not love but a corrupted form of something else. He’ll look into your eyes and ask, “Why don’t I see sparkles in them?” Or he’ll want to stick to you like glue and you can only take a breath until he does! If you’re looking for the nice, easy, relaxing type of love, it’s not with him. It’ll only get worse so move on and keep on walking and don’t look back!

Mr. Past & Present

Okay, this is one to watch out for. He has one foot firmly planted in the past. I mean it is cemented to the past. However, he is looking to connect with someone in the present. You’ll find he is either hung up on his dead wife, a past love or just about anything in the PAST as an excuse as to why he can’t fall in love again but if it comes to doing everything else he is willing and ready. Bring up the “M” word and he’s off and running. Scary? It is. Tread carefully because his true self doesn’t show up until you’re fully in and just when you think things are going great and there’s a future, he’ll pull the rug from under your feet. You’ll be left asking, what happened? It’s not you, it’s him. Move with caution or better still RUN!

This thing called love is impossible at times and at other times, it takes a lot of work to land what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, you’ll have to fall a few times, pick yourself back up, kiss more than a few frogs, dance the Tango with those I mentioned above, and when the clock strikes 12, be thankful that you survived to live another day.

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

With that in mind, proceed with caution and always with your eyes wide open and tell your heart to sit this one out until you’ve got it down pat. Getting it down to a science is next to impossible but arming yourself with the knowledge to outplay some of the no good types out there is a must!

Have an amazing day.

My Alternate Universe

I would go back and change everything! Starting with the night I met my two-timing ex! What started out as a chance meeting at a dance at the university and later morphed into something more was a big mistake. I would erase all of that.

How far would you go for love? It’s a question that is asked in certain circles and it’s a question many ponder over when in love with someone a continent away. Some are brave enough to throw caution to the winds because “love” is all that matters. It did at the time. I gave up everything and moved to Europe thinking I had “forever” in my pocket. It didn’t turn out that way.

There are many hurdles to cross when you move to a non-English speaking country. First, comes the meeting up with the culture and the customs at close range along with a feeling of being like a duck out of water all the time. In my case, I had to raise a child in an atmosphere of, “We know everything better!” Team it with a husband who was never there because he was on business trips all the time and you get the picture. I learned what unhappiness was and with a mother-in-law from hell in tow, my life became something else.

Here’s the thing. In my alternate universe, I would be in America and with someone else. Someone who has character and is noble enough to stand beside his wife which was sorely lacking in more ways than one.

My advice to someone contemplating a move to somewhere faraway, make sure you have a backup plan when it goes down south. Luckily, I was able to survive what came my way, and this is home now because my son feels more at home here and considers himself European as well.

If I get to do it all over again, my alternate universe would be a lot more different than what my reality is and peace would reign supreme!

Daily writing prompt

Describe your life in an alternate universe.

View all responses

A Sunday Like Any Other

I had made plans to be productive today. It didn’t matter if it was Sunday, a time for rest and relaxation. I was dead set on doing something and that something was to clean out my office area, get rid of the massive amounts of paperwork taking up space in every corner of the room and to discard as much of the unwanted stuff as possible. The plan was put in place last night.

Around 6 o’clock yesterday evening, I had this bright idea of bringing everything up to date and looking at what was staring back at me, I knew it would take all day Sunday to get it done. I looked at Chachi, the cat, and got to work. The poor guy didn’t know what was going on, just that changes were coming! He gave me one of his, “She’s at it again! No peace here and I’m at my wit’s end!” kind of look. He watched as I carried massive amounts of paperwork into the bedroom and set them on the floor. I made three huge piles. Then I moved the shredder into the bedroom as well. He gave me another look and inspected everything carefully. I could tell he wasn’t happy because he got jumpy. I stroked his forehead to assure him that all was well, nothing to worry about. Just his mom and her crazy ideas!

Then I got to work. I shredded some papers and then got tired of it. I just tore them apart and tossed them in a bag. The bag was getting full and I hadn’t even started yet! The piles of paper looked the same and nothing seemed to be getting less! I was getting frustrated at this point so I called it a night and left everything as is and ready to tackle it on Sunday. Chachi was restless for most of the night and if I moved a little in bed, he jumped off and went under the bed! He is a real scaredy cat!

Sunday dawned bright and early and I was up early even before the birds were! Okay, first breakfast, shower, get back into a fresh pair of PJs and hit the road running. I tried, believe me I tried. I had to make sure I wasn’t shredding stuff that was needed so it was a painstaking process of going through each piece of paperwork and making piles again! Toss! Keep! Maybe or rather I don’t know! God, Sundays are not made for this kind of BS! There is a reason why Sundays are rest days. Well, I knew that but “ambition” got in the way and now I’m stuck. Chachi, eyed me suspiciously with his, “I told you so,” look.

Close to lunchtime, I carried the piles of paperwork back into the office area, found a space for them and promised I’ll get to them when I was in a better mood. They whispered back, “We don’t care! Just leave us alone!” Chachi, the cat, jumped off the bed and walked into the office and looked back at me, his big eyes speaking volumes. “Sometimes your eyes are bigger than what you’re capable of doing! I’m worn out. I’m going to go take a nap!”

So folks, that’s my Sunday so far. The office is till messy but who cares! I’m going downstairs to make some banana muffins because the cheesecake is screaming at me to come get some and my mind, the one that takes care of me is saying, “Don’t you dare!” Banana muffins are healthier so that’s it for today AND watching ghost or horror movies. I just love spooking myself and doing nothing!

Know Your Friends

Why is it important to know who your real friends are? Have you set a criteria on how you choose your friends? It is important because many come wearing the “friend” tag but only a very few make it there in reality. There are the fake friends who are not really your friend but they are there for what they can get from you. There are the ones who are envious and envy does not make for a good friendship. Anything good that happens to you is as if something bad had happened to them! Beware of such so called friends because they are not your friend! Then there are the fair-weather ones who are there when all is well but are nowhere to be seen when things go down south!

What makes for a good friend? There are certain markers for a good friendship. Trust is one of them. You should be able to trust one another and when it’s not there, the trustworthiness, it is hard to build a friendship.

Honesty is another aspect that is critical for a friendship. One of the hallmarks of true friendship is truth. Be truthful even if it hurts.

Mutual benefits of a true friendship. You add to each other’s lives and that there is a give and take and not just take all the time.

Perhaps, the most important aspect is you like each other and you enjoy each other’s company. Time spent with a friend is time well-spent. Laughter, talks, smiles and a genuine affection for each other are all important for a true friendship to thrive and to grow.

Below are some quotes that speak to what a friendship is not and this too is important.

“You find yourself making all the sacrifices, going the extra mile to make your fake friend happy. Notice those friends that will never choose you over their comfort.” Unknown

“You never know who your real friends are until you are in need. You’ll be surprised who shows up.”

“Before you count your friends, make sure you can count on them. Some friends are only around when they want something from you but are never there when you need something from them.” Rashida Rowe

“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder, they pretend to be your friend first.” Steve Irwin

Hmm…..

Finally,

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Watch for those footprints. Not all who profess “friendship” is your friend. It’s better to have a few friends who love and care about you than many who are never there when you need them. Choose your friends carefully.

“Only those who care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.”

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (2)

Archives

Stage 1: Falling in Love

“In the first stage of love, your hormones run the show. You flirt, get butterflies in your stomach and heart, toss your hair back often and laugh a lot more. Falling in love makes you glow. Full playfulness and passion, stage one of love, often called the honeymoon stage tends to be everyone’s favorite because it is fun.“

This is how Stage 1 looks like. You can talk for hours on the phone and it never gets old. There is lots of laughing and giggling and you have your rose-tinted glasses on. If there is a blemish the size of a rock on your face, it is invisible at this stage or airbrushed by the blossoming of something special. Time flies by on wings and it is never ever enough. You want more and even though red flags may crop up like a neon sign, you SEE and don’t want to see. It is also the stage of stupidity where your brain and intuition take a backseat and your heart takes over.

Stage 2: Getting Serious

“Enter stage two. You still make a good couple. You hold hands in the park and cuddle up together to watch a movie, but something has changed. You’ve moved in together, maybe even got married. That fun time has run its course and your relationship has entered the serious zone.“

You may have moved in together or maybe not. It could be headed in a more serious direction where the “M” word is bandied about. That rose-tinted glow is there but now grey is starting to seep in. You question his/her motives. When once that laugh was alluring, it now makes you grit your teeth. You see things you don’t like. Things like he doesn’t keep to his word or you’ve caught him in a lie or two. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all over the floor gets your goat. The glow is still there so it’s time to push it all under the rug. You say, “It’ll right itself out. After all, you’re not looking for perfect.” The serious zone is staring you in the face and you don’t want to rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie you say but you know that it could come back to bite you later.

Stage 3: What Happened?

“What happened? Did you fall out of love? By this point, all illusions have been stripped away. You find yourself arguing more. Romance seems like work and you can’t be bothered to squeeze in the time. You just want it to end. And most people do just that, end their relationship.“

This is the “make it” or “break it” phase. It is also the time to let it all hang out phase. Remember that in Stage 1 all was perfect or at least it seemed so. Nothing was out of place, not a hair, not a fake eyelash, perfect haircut, smelling good and NO inappropriate behavior. Now, it’s let it rip time and HOW! If you’re married, who cares is the attitude. Everything is allowed and I mean everything. He’s seen you many times over so why bother? Unkempt hair, less than perfect hygiene, let it all grow out if you know what I mean. He, in turn, lets it rip. Holding it in is no longer required, anywhere anytime is ok. One other thing I find fascinating is that men love talking to you when they are sitting on the throne! Something soothing perhaps? That smile is no longer alluring, those little quirks more than annoying and spending a few minutes talking equates to an hour and a half in your mind. I call this the end of time phase. It’s probably all downhill from here and most choose to end the relationship.

According to one source, there are five clear stages. They are honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment and acceptance. I’ve chosen to speak about three because not many make it past the adjustment phase. If you do, you’re one of the lucky ones. However, the fourth and fifth phase are hard to navigate. Most are either miserable wanting to get out or they’ve accepted their fate and are playing dead until their time is up!

I haven’t given up hope that I will make it to the last phase with a smile on my face and the right man by my side. I’m still working on finding him. Unfortunately, he seems to have lost his way and is nowhere to be found and TIME is running out! Fairy Godmother some help please! I could use your wand right about now!

Have an amazing day.

A Habit That Brings Joy

It’s no secret. There are many things that bring me joy on a daily basis but the one thing that remains constant is the joy I get from Chachi, the cat.

Little Einstein does the impossible. On days when I’m down in the dumps or feeling a little lost, it is the little furball that brings me back up and helps me to see life as half full versus half empty. All it takes is his cross-legged stance with that inquisitive look on his face to put a smile on my face or it is that rubbing up against my leg for attention or even doing the workouts with me. He is more of a hindrance there but who cares. It automatically puts a smile on my face and sometimes a roar of laughter follows watching him as he tries to distract me from what I’m doing.

The little Meister is an expert at showing me who his favorite person is. He winks when he catches me looking at him and in cat language it means either they love you or are just mighty pleased to have you in their life. Add his love- filled glances and he takes me soaring. One habit that I absolutely love is cuddling at bedtime. I love listening to him take off to dreamland and the soft purring of contentment is music to my ears. Now, it’s not going to do the same for the guy who comes in, of this I’m sure. What guy? He’s not there yet but when he does show up, I’m not holding my breath, but when he does we’ll work on that problem together.

Until then Chachi, the cat, or rather Little Einstein is king and master and he knows it. He is one habit that brings me joy and I can do forever! Yes, I’m a goner where that little guy is concerned. Most importantly, he brings me joy of the best kind.

Daily writing prompt

Describe one habit that brings you joy.

View all responses

This Thing Called Love (1)

(Archives)

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

By now, you know that most of my posts center around this thing called love. It’s because I have my fact-finding shoes on and I want to find out what it is all about.

It is elusive, that’s for sure. It morphs and never stays the same, that’s another aspect. It shows up when you least expect it and it doesn’t stay for long. It is loving and all-consuming but when things go south, it takes off on winged feet. This is my experience as far as love is concerned.

Poor me? Not really. It is daunting this task of finding “real love” but my curiosity is aroused and I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real kind. Curiosity killed the cat, you say? Well, Chachi, the cat, is doing pretty well in that respect and he’s wearing the Einstein hat now!

Someone said to me it is not about ego or attitude yesterday. I totally agree. However, it is not about accepting everyone who walks in the door and placing the “love tag” on them either. That’s a surefire way to disaster. One person called me complicated, well, more than one but who’s counting! Complicated in this case means I’m not willing to accept what is offered. It’s more like the caveman variety. “Here I am woman take me! I like you so no more wasting time and no more discussion. Let’s get down to business!” Nope, that won’t work. I am too emancipated for that BS! Call me complicated all you want but you’re out the door!

I live in a small village that time forgot. The marriages here last a very long time. Have they found the secret to a long and happy love life? Not really. It is based on convenience. Its more like, “I provide and you pander.” Get the picture? These marriages last for a very long time but they are miserable together. One prime example was my in-laws. They were married for decades and they boasted about the longevity of their relationship, however, fights were a part of their daily existence. When he died, she mourned his loss. I wondered if she was mourning the loss of the person or what she was accustomed to, that of nagging and bickering all day long. Perhaps, it was addicting but is that real love?

Someone else said, “If you find it, hold on to it.” I definitely plan to do that. In my journey so far, I’m finding that “love” comes disguised in all its wishy-washy forms but if you want the real kind, you’ve got to take your time, know what you will settle for and what you won’t and don’t be afraid to discard if it’s not what you’re looking for. It takes courage, it takes a single-minded focus and it takes walking the road less traveled. Shut out the noise around you. The one that says, “You can’t do this,” but more specifically the one that roars, “You’ll wind up alone!” I say, “better alone than with the wrong person.”

“Unless it’s mad, passionate or extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life: Love shouldn’t be one of them.” Unknown

AND

“There is no such thing as love, you just happen to bump into someone who laughs at your jokes, likes the way you’re face is and accepts the way you look at the world. Love isn’t real, only two human beings coincidentally lonely at the same moment in time.”

What do you think? Some truth to that assumption?

Have an amazing day.

Outside Your Control

“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.” Unknown

There are situations and circumstances in life that you cannot control. This is nothing new and those unforeseen circumstances bring chaos and turbulence into our lives. We want to take what is handed to us and to make it better, to make it alright, take it back to where we started from, where everything had sunshine and smiles around it but somehow, it just doesn’t work. What if it’s not you? What if the problem isn’t you? There are times when no matter how hard you try, there is no making the situation better. You can’t control what is outside your control.

“Nothing kills you faster than your own mind.

Don’t stress over things that are out of your control.” Unknown

What are those things that you can’t control?

Basically it boils down to, “things that have happened that someone cannot change or influence.”

It is done, it is all water under the bridge and it has moved on leaving you to deal with the aftermath. Instead of letting go and taking it in stride, the human psyche goes into damage control. Quite often it comes in the form of trying to control the situation. We want to bring back whatever we think we’ve lost. We want that person back, not that they were good for us in the first place but because we want what we can’t have. Most of all, we want to control the narrative, we want to change the story and we want to control what is outside our control.

“It’s not what you say to everyone else that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the greatest power.” Unknown

Let it go. Stop trying to control what you can’t control and take control of what you can. That’s a winning strategy right now.

According to diversushealth.org, determine what you can control and work on it.

Examples are:

How you respond to emotions and painful feelings.

How you respond to memories.

How you respond to negative thoughts.

IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS

Do you find your mind going to the worst possible scenario? Do you doubt your ability to cope if something bad happens?

SHIFT YOUR ENERGY TOWARD PROBLEM SOLVING

Replaying the past or dwelling on catastrophic outcomes usually isn’t helpful. Problem solving is.

FOCUS ON YOUR INFLUENCE

What can you change? To have the most influence, focus on changing your behavior and reaction to events.

DEVELOP HEALTHY AFFIRMATIONS

Scientists estimate people have about 70,000 thoughts per day. (No wonder I get headaches!) Most of these thoughts incite self-doubt, fear, and discouragement.

Think, “I’m stronger than I think,” or “I can handle this,” or even “I can do this.” These affirmations help to drown out the negativity.

“Remember you alone get to choose what matters and what doesn’t. The meaning of everything in your life has precisely the meaning you give it.” Unknown

AND

“Just keep in mind: the more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.” Epictetas

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. You are capable and you can handle anything that comes your way.

Have an amazing day.

TOXIC PEOPLE (2)

“The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before you feed them to your soul.” Unknown

Toxic people are everywhere. You can shut one out and another one appears. A toxic person is defined as, “someone whose behavior consistently causes negativity, stress, and emotional harm to those around them.” Their actions are unpredictable, they lack empathy and their self-centeredness is hard to comprehend but they are out there and their impact on others is emotional exhaustion, anxiety and stress.

What are some things that toxic people do?

They make you feel tense.

They put you down for no reason.

They talk down to you to make themselves feel better.

They only care about themselves.

They make you feel like you can’t do anything right.

They try to control everything.

Those are some of the things they do to make you feel small and to put you in your place, whatever they deem that to be. The problem is they are everywhere so how do you deal with them?

First, you have to learn that it’s not about them, it’s about you. STOP being available for their poison and shut it down. YOU can’t change them, you can only change yourself. Their power lies in your response to them. If you react, you lose, because they thrive on reaction. Remove that power and you’ve found a cure for the virus that they spread. It’s not that easy. Bring the focus back to you because YOU COUNT and YOU MATTER!

“A toxic person only changes their victims, never themselves.” Unknown

Stop letting them control your mind and start putting yourself first. The minute they realize they don’t have you under their power, they are off and running to their next victim.

“If you walked away from a toxic, negative, abusive, one-sided, dead-end low vibrational relationship – you won.” Lalah Delia

Stay calm and stop feeding the fire. Understand that their validation means nothing, their approval doesn’t hold power and their negativity is not going to bring you down. You are made of stronger stuff, so shut the door and move on.

“LIFE IS TOO SHORT to spend it with miserable people. Especially when they keep trying to explain why being miserable is normal, and why you don’t have other options.

There are 197 countries and over 7,8 billion people.

There are over 2,000 different fruits, you don’t need to stay stuck with a lemon.” Pamela Storch

Here’s how to move on. Never react, refuse to engage and stop expecting them to change. They won’t. Stop expecting anything from them. You owe yourself peace, calm, and a life free of manipulation and control. Remember there are better fruits out there than a lemon!

Have an amazing day.