It caused some sleepless nights and the “it” was a test that could have changed my life as I knew it. I was up and down and all over the place with my feelings as well as with my emotions. The unknown was scary and I was looking in an abyss and the answers coming back depended on a machine, a cold and inanimate thing that had the power to throw a curveball, worse than life could.
I prepared like I was being led to the slaughter. The night had been short and I got up at 5 a.m. wanting to crawl back into bed! There was no getting out of it. It was time to meet my nemesis and to tell it to go to hell! I knew it wouldn’t make difference to it one way or another. The machine was there to do a job and as my friend put it, “It’s there to save lives.”
The test was scheduled for 8 a.m. and I appeared punctually with friend in tow. He was calm and quiet as we walked in. It took off like a storm after that. I was prepped, my tiny vein shot up with some radioactive stuff with the technician telling me, “It’s the same stuff as last time but with an additional isotope this time.” Gawd! I asked, “Any side effects?” She said it shouldn’t cause any problems.
Then I had to wait for that stuff to invade my body, it took all of 15 minutes. The friend kept whispering, “You’ll be fine.” He’s a good guy. However, my mind was on a horror trip! Scenarios kept playing like on speed dial and none of the good variety. The doctor, a really nice lady, showed up and I tried my sweet talk tactic. No go, the test needed to be done for “OUR” peace of mind she said. Within minutes, I was led into this room and I saw my nemesis! Cold, white and looming like some monster! I took my place on the bed, was made comfortable and closed my eyes. She said, “Five minutes. You’ll be fine.” I thought, “I can do five minutes, no problem.” The machine droned and came to life. I went into my nirvana zone and before I knew it, it was DONE!
“Not so quick!” she said, “You get a 15 minute break and back on the bed again.”
ME: “WHY?”
SHE: “We do another round, this time 30 minutes.”
I gulped but she had a no-nonsense way about her. And the machine was grinning and doing a victory dance! After 15 minutes, I was back in. This time, she said, “Five minutes first and then the machine will automatically do rounds all over!” Unbelievable! I gritted my teeth and said, “I’m not sure if I can stay put that long.”
SHE: “Well, we will be taking thousands of pictures so try to stay still and DON’T MOVE!”
Hmm…..I got through that round. Then she says, “You get 15 minutes break and back in here again.”
I was ready for anything by now. I just wanted out of that place and if I had to play dead for another 30 minutes, I was going to do it. And I did.
Then the doctor comes back in, closes the door and I think, “This is bad news.”
She is soft-spoken and says, “Looks like an all clear. I didn’t see anything that is of concern BUT we still have the blood test results that should come in a week. I don’t think there is anything to worry about.”
Instead of letting out a sigh of relief, my mind jumps to my Google research and how one doctor said that this particular test is never right. I thank her and left that hospital in a hurry before they changed their mind.
I muttered, “I don’t care! I’m done for now. I’m going home but before that I’m getting my cheesecake and then time for a shower and a cheesecake fest!”
I’m not supposed to touch Chachi, the cat, for 24 hours so when I walked in the door, he goes, “Well, you left me alone for five hours and not even a kiss?!! You are getting weirder by the minute!”
I didn’t answer. Jumped in the shower and then in my PJs, the coffee is brewing and the cheesecake is standing ready. What a day but things worked out for the best.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
I was doing fine until the hospital called in the afternoon and wanted to move the test to earlier in the morning, like really early on September 4th!
ME: “WHY?!!”
THEY: “It is going to take a couple of hours so it’s better to do it earlier in the morning.”
Oh Gawd! Peace flew out the window and I’ve been climbing walls ever since. I’ve done the bedroom walls and the office area as well and nothing is helping! Chachi, the cat, has been eyeing me with a look that says, “I told you she’s weird!”
My plan was to show up there in the afternoon thinking they might be tired and I could sweet talk the doctor into letting me out of taking the test. I wanted to move it a year down the road. This early morning BS just threw a wrench in my plans. Anyway, I’ve been Googling and I have all the reasons written down as to why I DON’T need this test. Mount Sinai Hospital says that my levels are in the normal range. Another hospital says that the levels could be higher due to some supplements and the best part is one doctor says that the test they are planning to do will not be accurate. Whatever they say, it will be wrong! I sort of like this last guy. Exactly my thoughts!
Then I googled what the test is all about. Yes, I’ve been busy. They will shoot some radioactive stuff in your veins. Wait 15 minutes and you go under this big machine. It takes pictures. Just awful for a hypochondriac and a person who has a slight case of claustrophobia. If that’s not enough, you have to wait for another 90 minutes or so and you go under the machine again and it takes more pictures!
I told a friend and he said, “STOP GOOGLING!“
Anyway, it is going to be a sleepless night because my mind is racing and doing somersaults and I am wide awake! No amount of meditation is helping and I am P I S S E D! A friend will be accompanying me, the Chilean guy, he’s perfect because he is cool as a cucumber in moments of stress and the complete opposite of me. It will be a tough day for him having to put up with me.
I will have my fingers, toes, eyes and everything else crossed! Wish me luck folks because this is a big one.
There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.
“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown
The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.
“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale
There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.
“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown
The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.
“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown
That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost impossible thing to do.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey
Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “Ok take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw, reery, reery, reery, fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery, fass back to me.” So she did
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease……worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…..Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a**!”
Gavin C. Newsom is doing a marvelous job of getting under Trump’s skin and living rent-free in his head! Furthermore, he has found a way to hit where it hits hard. Taking down a bully is not always easy and one who has sole authority to initiate a nuclear attack is even more so.
His latest tweet speaks to the heart of the matter:
WOW!! PRESIDENT TRUMP SAYS ABOUT ME, GAVIN C. NEWSOM: “HE’S A NICE GUY, LOOKS GOOD.”
THANK YOU FOR THE KIND WORDS, LITTLE HANDS. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE TALKING ABOUT ME (AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR!). – GCN
All caps, exclamations and incomplete sentences, trademarks of you know who. Aside from that, the message is clear, you get as good as you give!
Keep it up America’s favorite governor. Sometimes it takes know-how and thinking to take down a bully and he is doing an expert job of doing just that. On the other hand, the “bad boy” wants to play it nice it seems. That tweet says a lot but as the saying goes, “too little, too late,” perhaps? Gavin C. Newsom is not letting up and that is a good thing.
I’ve talked about the monsters that walk amongst us, the kind who show up when you least expect it or when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time and the ones who don’t think twice about taking a life without so much as giving a thought to what they are doing. I’ve written about them in my posts and these “monsters” exist and there are plenty more out there than you think.
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King
The kind of “monsters” I want to talk about is more of the subtle kind but just as destructive. They don’t take a toll on you physically but they do more than enough to destroy you mentally and emotionally. They live within us and only show up when life takes us in a certain direction and we find ourselves unable to control or understand what is happening.
“Everyone carries around his own monsters.” Richard Pryor
Monsters are often seen as powerful creatures with the ability to wreck havoc and sometimes those powerful and overwhelming emotions can feel that way too. Fear and anger can make us feel unsafe or out of control. The unknown can feel like a “monster” at times and when you harbor “emotional monsters” the kind that take you on roller coaster rides, you are facing monsters of another kind but just as scary and powerful nonetheless.
How do you overcome emotional monsters?
One source says that in order to overcome these so called monsters, you have to identify and label your emotions to better manage them.
Allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than block them out. Emotions are a part of life and provide signals that something needs attention. Take them seriously.
Journaling helps you to gain clarity and to process your emotions.
Deep breathing helps to calm the nervous system.
This next one is definitely worth a try. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I guess after going through that roll call, the “monsters” will either take a hike or disappear altogether!
The last tip is to practice mindfulness. It helps to bring awareness and it also helps to control your mind and emotions. I find that staying in the here and now helps me to do exactly that.
“The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.” Edgar Allan Poe
True, but “monsters” can be tamed if we take control of our minds and show them the door each time they show up. If you keep doing it often enough, they might just stay away. One can only hope.
We’ve all made them. Big ones, small ones and the in-between ones. Some are insignificant and others, well, they can turn your world upside down and leave you gasping for air! Some mistakes teach us lessons and others help us to see and act better the next time around. When all is said and done, mistakes are a part of life and a life without mistakes, well, it just means a life without new experiences.
Here are some poignant quotes that speak to the heart of the matter:
“When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don’t repeat it. Paul Bear Bryant
Not that easy right? I admit sometimes it is next to impossible not to repeat it because we as humans are wired a certain way and we love rubbing noses with MISTAKES!
“Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before.” Unknown
True but there is a hell of a lot you have to do before that happens.
“You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice.” Steven Denn
I’ve made those “choices” many times over!
“You can pick up a mistake and carry it as a burden; or you can set it down and use it a stepping stone to greatness.” Unknown
I’m still waiting for the “greatness” part to happen!
“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you, instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.” Unknown
Exactly what I’m doing.
“You must be big enough to admit your mistakes, smart enough to learn from them, and strong enough to correct them.” John C. Maxwell
That last part is what I’m having trouble with!
“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake – you can’t learn anything from being perfect.” Adam Osborne
True but who wants to be perfect? Cut out the mistakes please!
“Mistakes made in life are our lessons in disguise, and sometimes, the best lessons learned, came from the worse ‘mistakes’ made.” Unknown
I can whole-heartedly attest to that one.
AND
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more.” Unknown
September 4th is approaching and it seems to be flying in on wings! I’ve managed to keep my mood up but last night, it went crushing down and I was back to Square 1.
We never think about health or rather we take it for granted until something unexpected crops up that could put a new spin or twist on things. This current “scare” could potentially do that and maybe even change my day-to-day existence as I know it.
I went spiralling down last night. Once I hit rock bottom, it was time to sit up and take notice of where I was. I had fought so hard to crawl out of that rabbit hole and wowed never to go back down there again. Life in its wisdom had other plans or so it seems. However, you’re allowed to spiral and you’re allowed to hit rock bottom because “the journey” is not going to be smooth sailing and I am aware of that. You will stand still at some point and you will hit rock bottom again and wonder what happened. Life did. Take stock of where you’re at but don’t stay there for too long. It’s time to dust off and stand back up. There is no other choice.
Someone told me this story of a young man in his 40s, picture of health until he went in for a routine checkup. The scan showed one brain tumor. His partner asked, “How long does he have?” The doctor replied, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.” The young man, however, did not seem fazed by the news and was ready to take another trip. He can’t do anything about it so he was not going to waste a lot of time thinking about what might lie ahead of him and instead decided to enjoy the time he had.
Another friend told me to just go read my articles! Basically, he was saying I should take the same advice I was putting out there!
They both mean well but they’re not walking in my shoes. I’m scared and that is okay. I don’t want to take the test because a tube of radiation material will be injected into my tiny tiny veins! Believe me, they are tiny. More than that, the idea of that liquid invading my body makes me cringe. What might show up is another story altogether.
So I spent time sitting at the bottom of that rabbit hole, and let the tears flow. Sometimes crying is not a bad thing. I made up all the sorry stories I could and added and embellished like I would a Christmas tree. When all was said and done, it was time to crawl back out of the hole and to start moving again. I still have more than a week before I meet my nemesis, not cheesecake this time but that big machine which may or may not change my life.
Fingers and toes crossed and a kiss on Chachi, the cat’s cute little nose for good luck!
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