One decision I made in the past that has helped me to learn and to grow is to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working. Holding on is human nature and letting go is too but I tend to hold on longer than it is necessary sometimes until I am blue in the face or till the cows come home!
Therein lies all my problems. I knew it wasn’t working, I could see it for what it was but still I held on for dear life. However, the journey of self-discovery I am on taught me some lessons and one of them is that not all breakups are bad. Sometimes it is needed to teach you that “better” exists and it is not only in your mind. Once I started moving forward, I realized that I had it within me to pick and choose the right person I wanted in my life. My heart has all these romantic notions of how a love should be but I am learning that there is more to it than butterflies in your stomach. I tend to wear rose-colored glasses where love is concerned and when that tint wears off, I am left holding the remnants of a broken love affair. It’s off with those glasses and on to what it is really about. It is now about knowing what I want, what I won’t settle for and a love that is “all in” and not the fading kind. I mean, “the here today and gone tomorrow” variety.
Breaking off and going it alone has taught me many lessons but the most important one that has helped me to learn and grow is that I AM ENOUGH as I am. No embellishments needed! Version 2.0 is stronger and more capable at looking for love in all the right places and a royal pain in the you know what!
Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
Someone once said, you are NOT yesterday. True but the stories we tell ourselves, the narratives that we trap ourselves in sometimes tell us that we are. Yesterday does carry some weight because it helps to define who we are today. The memories of yesterday can mold or break us, it can teach us not to do the same things over and over again and more often than not, it gives us the strength to carry on. The truth of the matter is that we cannot rewrite history and we cannot go back and change the outcome of a story that happened and is now done with. Yesterday is just that, it was and is a part of our past and except for the revisits from time to time of well-kept memories, it is nothing more than that. It is a story that is finished, it has taken its final bow or curtain call and so must we by letting it go.
This is what I tell myself on the journey I am on. I can’t keep carrying yesterday on my back or like an albatross around my neck. The load is heavy and it makes me want to stop, turn around and run back to what was familiar even if that familiarity has the power to hurt like hell. The unknown before me is terrifying and anything is better than this right? What’s before is shrouded in fog, it is dark and foreboding and forging through it takes superhuman effort but the small negative voice within me which at times roars like a waterfall tells me that I can’t do it! Take small steps, one step at a time, you don’t have to know everything, just trust and you will get there says this other shaky voice but there are no other options, moving forward is where I need to go.
Sometimes it is the boundaries we place around ourselves that trap us, that tell us that the imaginary world we live in is so much better than what is waiting out there. Sure it was painful but there was greatness too. It was filled with things I knew and cherished, in one word, it is irreplaceable. The stories we tell ourselves are the fences we place around us. Was yesterday that great? Did we embellish it like a Christmas tree to make it sparkle and shine when the reality is a different story? Do the stories we tell ourselves distort reality and yet it is the truth as we see it or is it because we want to see it that way?
Harold R. Johnson said, “We are all story. We are the stories we are told and we are the stories we tell ourselves. To change our circumstances, we need to change our story: edit it, modify it, or completely rewrite it.”
I don’t want to completely rewrite my past. I want to take the good parts with me, the bad parts I want to thank for teaching me lessons I would not have learned otherwise and the pain? Well, I want to leave that behind where it belongs. Enough tears have been shed, enough wishing that it could have been different has not made it less so and closing the door behind me and moving on is the way to go. The next chapter is waiting and yesterday is done with.
“Forget yesterday – it has already forgotten you. Don’t sweat tomorrow – you haven’t even met. Instead, open your eyes and heart to a truly precious gift – today.” Steve Maraboli
Here’s to yesterday. You taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn but had to accept. You gave me memories I will forever treasure. You made me who I am today and for that I will forever be thankful.
This particular phenomenon is defined as “a situation in which the same usually negative or monotonous experiences occur repeatedly or are felt to occur repeatedly with no change or correction.”
In the movie, Phil (Bill Murray), a weatherman finds himself trapped in a time warp and he is doomed to relive the same day over and over again UNTIL he gets it right.
“If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.” Peter Drucker
Ever felt like you’re reliving an experience over and over again? I have and it is not only a bad feeling but getting off that roller coaster is sometimes hard to do. I’ve asked myself why am I here again? Did I not work through this already? I thought I was heading towards something better but it is the same old runaround and the same old Deja Vu feeling.
“Life is from the inside out. When you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside.” Kamal Ravikant
Perhaps that right there is the problem in a nutshell. I did not shift or change from the inside but was just pretending like I had. According to http://www.boro.ac.uk, the reason can be found in the way our “brain processes information and creates templates that we refer to again and again. The templates are essentially shortcuts, which help us make decisions in the real world. They are known as heuristics and they make us repeat our errors.”
Too complicated? I think so too. Another expert had this to say: “the neural pathways are programmed such that every time we remember a past mistake, the brain heads back down the previous pathway.”
Oh God, this is even worse! I don’t want my brain remembering every mistake I made! The goal is to never repeat those mistakes again. However, no matter how hard I try I feel like the proverbial horse being led to drink from a pond I don’t want to. Perhaps, I have no control over the matter because those mistakes have already been pre-programmed into my inner core and there is nothing I can do about it. If that is the case, it is Groundhog’s Day over and over again. How awful is that?!!
It is time to make some drastic changes. The moral of Groundhog’s Day was:
“If you’re tired of reliving the same day repeatedly, something must change – and it’s up to you.”
According to the experts, if you’re finding yourself in “bad” relationships then recognizing “those past relationship mistakes and patterns can make a big difference in your future.” How do you stop making those same mistakes? Are there certain patterns or specific types who are not good for you?
Here are some problem-solvers:
Make small changes. Humans are creatures of habit and therefore comfortable with what is not necessarily good for us. Change doesn’t happen overnight but breaking those negative patterns one piece at a time might lead you in the right direction.
Practice self-care and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made. Bad relationships can damage your self-esteem so be extra kind and gentle to yourself. Meditate, exercise, do yoga but more importantly take all that wasted energy and dedicate it to yourself.
Give yourself time to heal – don’t jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to heal.
Then there are three basic attachment styles: Insecure-avoidant, Insecure-anxious and Securely attached. The first two struggle and see themselves as being not enough. Both these types struggle with vulnerability. The Securely-attached might have the same problems as the first two but they embrace their vulnerability and are ready to accept and receive comfort, security and safety which helps to quiet the negative voices within them. Unfortunately, I belong to the first two attachment types. All fine and good but how do I outsmart my brain and get rid of that template which keeps bringing me back to the same place over and over again? I know that this is going to be a long process and a hard journey but I am bent on breaking the cycle. It is time to move on and to get it right!
“You are the author of your own story. If you don’t like where this chapter is going, it’s OK to start a new one.”
BUT, I like this one better.
“Life is tough my darling, but so are you.” Stephanie Bennett Henry
First on the list is Chachi, the cat. I can’t do without him and he is my buddy, a close confidante and a joy maker. Just seeing him walk into the room with that John Wayne walk puts a smile on my face. Spending time with him brings happiness as well.
Writing is next on the list. Right now, I am drawing blanks but that happens and it is a momentary lapse. Soon my head will be raging with ideas and I will be ready to get it out and I will. I think my brain is saying enough already! It’s time for a break. I LOVE writing and it is a joyful thing to do.
Walking is naturally on my list. Not a day goes by without a walk in nature but I missed it today. I seem to have caught a cold so it was plenty of rest, liquids and TV time! It’s okay to have downtime now and then.
Meditation brings benefits I never thought was possible. I have a mind that jumps around and doesn’t sit still so meditation has been a good way to reel it in and to make it behave. It is a hard ask but it (my brain) is learning to toe the line or perhaps just pretending to do so! Meditation not only brings joy into my life but it is my safety net when I need peace and quiet.
Workouts are good for the mind, body and soul. I’ve always worked out so why stop now? However, I need to remember that I’m no longer a spring chicken but sometimes I forget and my body reminds me later. It’s all fine and good because I take it in stride although I’ve backed off from kickboxing but all the others are par for the course.
These are my methods for achieving happiness and believe it or not, it works. What about cheesecake? Okay, just a slice puts a smile on my face but it has been a game of tug of war since I started down that road, the cheesecake fetish path I mean, so I’m going to leave it out for now but I hear it CALLING!
Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
“It’s you versus you. Meaning you’re the only thing standing in your way.” Amber Tamblyn
The battle lines are often drawn when it comes to facing life’s adversities, difficulties and the unknown. How often do you say, “This is too hard to handle or I can’t do this!” Life’s uncertainties are often met with I am unworthy, I am too small, I am insignificant, I am not pretty enough, I am not capable, I am not enough and so on. We come up with so many excuses as to why we can’t achieve something or why it is impossible but if truth be told, we make mountains out of molehills. I often point my fingers at everything but myself. I become small and that problem, whatever it is, changes shape and becomes a mountain. It doesn’t matter that the mountain is of my own making, it’s there and it seems insurmountable.
What if we take a step back and view it from a different angle? Is it still insurmountable? How about if we changed our mindset to one of “I can” instead of “I can’t?” I know some problems are huge and they remain huge no matter which way you look at it but there are others that become that way because the “you” the negative “you” sees it that way and so it looms larger than life and once that negative mindset takes hold, it is all downhill from there. I’ve started looking at problems as just that. They are problems yes but I’ve decided to downsize them. I give them a cursory glance at first then I break it down into pieces and tackle it that way. Gone are the days of heart-thumping and end-of-the-world theatrics. No, it hasn’t made the problem any less of a problem but breaking it down does make it more manageable. Perhaps we need to remember it is not you vs. you but YOU working with you to come up with a solution, one that is workable.
It has been said you are your own worst enemy but what if you become your own best friend? Wouldn’t life be so much easier not to mention simpler? Here are some tips on how to do exactly that from the mindful.org.
When you look at the mirror, appreciate the unique person staring back at you – there’s never been another you!
When you talk to yourself, be friendly! Be understanding! NEVER BE MEAN!
When you need lovin’, give yourself a self-hug. Don’t knock it ’till you try it!
Don’t be shy to use your name and tell yourself that you love you.
Make a date with yourself to do something kind and caring.
Make yourself laugh.
Take time for contemplative practices that help you stay tuned in to your body, mind and emotions so that you might always be able to access your inner wisdom.
Idowu Koyenikan had this to say about problems.
“Mountains are only a problem when they are bigger than you. You should develop yourself so much that you become bigger than the mountains you face.”
If all else fails, you can give the “you” that is causing you problems a boot out the door! That should do it. Easier said than done I know and finally, YOU AREENOUGH AS YOU ARE so don’t underestimate yourself.
I’ve talked about my journey many times before. It is a journey designed to get me somewhere. Where do I want to go? I want to get to the top of that mountain. I want to say that I made it there leaving all the things that did not serve me behind and I want to feel the freedom of knowing that the “journey” was worthwhile and I can finally breathe again.
“Over time, I have come to believe that “brave” does not mean what we think it does. It does not mean “being afraid” and doing it anyway. Nope. Brave means listening to the still small voice inside and doing as it says. Regardless of what the rest of the world is saying.” Glennon Doyle
I still have a long ways to go but then again easy doesn’t cut it. It takes soul-searching, giving up what holds me back, knowing what I want and the courage to move forward not knowing what that path forward holds. The unknown is always scary but what if there is a “better” than where I am now? A better life, a better existence and perhaps even a better love. I am looking for that needle in the haystack but he is well-hidden and if he is there staring me in the face, I don’t see him yet.
Recently, I shared with a friend that I’m on the verge of giving up as far as that special someone is concerned. I told him I am tired of making treks in the wrong direction and that perhaps love is not in the cards for me. Perhaps, I should just say enough already and give up altogether.
He listened quietly as I vented and then said, “In German there is a saying, you find happiness when you least expect it.” It was profound, perhaps even holding a modicum of truth and coming from a guy wearing a bandana, it made me sit up and take notice. Not that I have anything against bandana-wearing men, I just didn’t expect this kind of deep thinking from him. He’s the rugged outdoorsy type but obviously has a soft core which he keeps well-hidden not visible to the naked eye. That said, nope he is not my guy. Anyway, the light went back on. I realized that I had met my ex when I wasn’t looking. It was my first night out after a long while of mourning over a break up and there he was. Our paths crossed and unknown to us both, the wheels had been set in motion and there was no stopping the path we were on. Perhaps, the inevitable happens when you least expect it and when the time is right.
If that is true, could we make it just a tad easier please? And if it does happen let’s make it forever this time around.
“Breathe through it and release anything that does not serve you.” Unknown
I’m no stranger to breathing. I do all kinds of different breathing techniques, I don’t believe in leaving it to chance so why not try everything there is to try and I might just hit the right one, the breathing technique that is, at some point in time. I’m also hoping that my intuition will take over and point me in the right direction but then fear, my best friend, comes in and blows it all to pieces. This journey has not been easy and making the wrong move from time to time always brings me back to square one. The message is clear, move slowly, one foot in front of the other. Patience is a virtue but not in my case. I’m like a petulant child who stomps her feet and demands that she gets it NOW! Life is not putting up with my temper tantrums so here I am again wondering where I went wrong this last time? I have to learn to bide my time, move with caution for the way forward is not easy to navigate and one false move and I am back to where I started from and I don’t want that.
“I was lucky enough to have been to rock bottom before, right? So I know for a fact, that rock bottom is always the beginning of the newness. It hurts and its painful, and then there’s the waiting……where you don’t know what the hell is going on and you don’t think any of it is going to make sense and then,
THERE’S THE RISING.”
I am waiting to exhale. I am waiting for “the rising” when all is made new again and I am given another chance at life, at love, at living and finally breathing freely again. I am looking forward to saying, “It was tough but I made it!”
How often have you used the words above to describe the “deja vu” feeling of having experienced the exact same event or incident over and over again with the very same and often painful outcomes? I know I have and I’m sure many of you have. So why do we keep repeating the same cycle over and over again? Perhaps, it’s because of this.
“Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.” Unknown
I’ve done this many times over. This meaning, “I told myself I would never go through this and find myself in the same uneventful place again.” Like dating the wrong person with the exact same habits as the one I left behind. Then I find myself months down the road faced with the exact same situation but with another individual. I told myself I would never do cheaters, liars, control freaks and narcissists ever again but lo and behold, it never fails. They seem to come out of the woodwork as far as I am concerned and I am faced with the self-same situation only to scream, “What am I doing wrong?”
I think we are creatures of habit and therefore love embracing familiarity more than commonsense! What feels familiar is comforting. It gives us a sense of warmth and maybe even a feeling of “home.” You’ve heard the saying, “Home is where the heart is?” Well, not in this case! According to Isabel Buchbinder, “repeating patterns do not happen by coincidence. Repeating patterns are merely lessons which can be seen as an opportunity for us to evolve and grow.” The question remains, how often do you have to fall in order to grasp the lessons you have to learn? Unfortunately, there are no clear-cut answers. Some learn quickly and others not at all. I hope I am NOT in the “not at all” category but it sure feels that way at times.
Here again, Ms. Buchbinder has some good tips on how to break free and to move on to greener and more acceptable behavior traits. She says, “the reoccuring external situation is trying to get our attention so that we focus within and change this internal limiting structure and thus break the pattern. She adds, “don’t bleed on those who didn’t hurt you.” It just means heal yourself first before entering a relationship. This also means, “once you heal your subconscious limitations and traumas, you no longer repeat patterns and you will start attracting life situations which are more suitable for your well-being and more heightened state of life!”
“Life will keep on repeating the same situation through different circumstances until we have learnt the lesson.” Isabel
How do you break this self-fulfilling prophecy? Here are five steps from Isabel, not easy but worth the try.
The first step is to become aware of the pattern.
The second step is to observe the situation but don’t react.
The third step is to identify the lesson it is trying to teach us.
The fourth and perhaps the hardest step is to accept the situation, integrate, heal and let it go. Letting go takes forever in my world and even when I do, I keep looking back with one foot in the past and one foot in front.
The fifth step, if you’re confronted with a “repeating pattern” again, it’s just life wanting to know if you’ve learned the lesson and have fully let go. Lord, have mercy!
Be gentle with yourself, accept what you can’t change, learn from what you can and take the next step in the right direction. If you find yourself faced with the same old stuff from another individual but in a different body, don’t walk but RUN! and don’t look back.
“Break through that imaginary ceiling you’ve placed over yourself.” Unknown
AND
“Life has a way of making you repeat the same patterns until YOU choose to break the cycle.”
“I’ve learned over and over that life happens on its own terms, not mine.” Kate Walsh
Ms. Walsh is absolutely right in that respect. Life happens as it happens and most times you have no control over it whatsoever. What fun is there in having a crystal ball to show you everything before it comes knocking on your door right? Well, I for one think it might just make life a tad easier but no luck there. Life happens and you’ll just have to deal with whatever comes your way whether you want to or not.
“Life happens,” is an idiom used to express that there are things we can’t control, foresee or prepare for. The future is unknown, and anything could happen.
According to Sarah Pierson of Huffingtonpost, here are some tips on how to make life happen instead of just letting it happen to you.
Create a timeline of the things you most want to experience or accomplish. Basically have some goals and go out and get them done.
Take risks. I’m not a risk taker so this is hard for me. However, taking risks is the way to go according to Ms. Pearson. You need to get yourself out there in order to overcome the fears of facing life head-on.
Invest in people. Investing your time in people is well worth the effort it seems because the rewards are plenty. It is time well-spent, cuts back on loneliness and it gets you out there in this great big world of ours.
Learn to let go of that which you cannot control and to adapt. This is another hard one for me. Letting go has never been my forte and adapting, well, that’s right up there with one of the hardest things to do! I am willing to give it a go.
Seek advice from those who are living life fully. This is a good one. Learning by example is never a bad idea.
Travel
Learn not to compare. If you’re always comparing yourself to someone who has more than you, who looks better than you or someone who just seems to have it altogether, you’ll never get a handle on your own life because you’ll always be hoping and wishing instead of bringing the focus back to you and that is where it needs to be to move forward.
“Be available for life to happen.” Bill Murray
In order for life to happen, you’ve got to start making life happen. If it’s a job you want, make a plan. It’s not going to fall into your lap, you’ve got to move to make it happen. Read up on the best interview strategies. Find out how you can hone your skills to come across as the best candidate for the job. Spruce up your appearance, those old ratty pair of jeans that have seen better days and those worn-out t-shirts will have to go. Invest in some good clothes. It matters. Finding a job in this fast-paced and dog eat dog world is never easy and daunting to say the least but with hard work, dedication and effort, you can land the job of your dreams. Never give up and you are almost a winner!
If it’s a relationship you want, get rid of the no gooders. Period. If they don’t contribute to your life, get rid of them. If you’re looking for that perfect someone, it starts with you. Do your homework and find out what it is that you want. There is no such thing as ‘perfect’ but you’ll get pretty close if you’re willing to settle for mutual respect, love and honesty. The rest will fall in place.
If it’s happiness you’re looking for, you’ll have to do the work here as well. Nothing is ever handed to you on a silver platter. Know what makes YOU happy and go out and find it. Easier said than done? Well, yes but there is no other way unfortunately.
“Life happens to all of us. It’s not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us that really decides if we’re going to be victims or if we’re going to get and have everything we’ve ever dreamed of.” Eric Thomas
Finally, get to know yourself. Spend time with yourself to find out what it is that you want. If it’s one or all of the things mentioned above but you don’t know where to start, have no fear because you are fully capable of figuring it out. You know what makes you tick, what makes you happy so don’t just let life happen, make it happen the way you want it. If it scares you, you’re not alone. Join the club!
“No matter what happens, you can get through the day. Inhale. Focus on the word, ‘relax.’ Exhale. Say, ‘I can do this! And then do it.” Ace Antonio Hall
“We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Unknown
If you are strong-willed as I am, this is a hard one to stomach or swallow. I think I’m as stiff as a rod when it comes to being flexible. I can bend and sway with the best of them but changing what I am accustomed to is a hard ask and it doesn’t happen easily for me. It takes a very long time. You can drag me to the water but making me drink is another thing altogether!
“True flexibility can only be achieved through constant adaptation to new circumstances.” Janna Cachola
And that right there is my problem. I am set in my ways and instead of adapting to changes, I usually want to control the situation hoping it will stay the same because adaptation in all its forms means accepting the inevitable and moving on and that is a hard thing to do. It doesn’t matter if “change” would bring about something better. I see it as this unknown monster that needs slaying in order to start anew and that is frightening to say the least.
I have to learn that, “Being flexible means not reacting but actively adjusting to life’s twists and turns. Face the unexpected with resilience, and every challenge becomes an opportunity.” Unknown
It’s not that I am a novice at adjusting to life’s twists and turns. I’ve had more than my share of it but each time something unforeseen happens and I’m left to stare change in the face, I pull back, run to the corner yelling, “Go Away! Leave Me Alone! Not You Again!”
Unfortunately, moving on and accepting changes is what life is all about isn’t it? Nothing remains the same forever, well maybe death but even then there are grey areas. So my next goal is to work with “flexibility” and embrace it as much as I can but not become best friends with it. I don’t want it showing up at my front door too often but when it does I will be gracious and in so doing, I hope it will leave me in peace!
“How strange that the grass is all that remains standing after the storm,” said the Boy.
“Sometimes being soft is strong,” said the Rabbit.
Flexibility is needed to go up against life’s challenges and change is often the result. Acceptance is the next step and moving on is inevitable. That said, flexibility is needed not to direct the wind, that is an impossible task, but to tweak it to where it is manageable and that folks takes many many lessons to learn. I know I’ll never be perfect at it, nothing in life ever is but I’m learning to stand my ground and to bend with resilience and to bounce back when necessary.
“Bamboo is flexible, bending with the wind but never breaking, capable of adapting to any circumstance. It suggests resilience, meaning that we have the ability to bounce back even from the most difficult times.” Ping Fu
Here’s to flexibility, you’re not my best friend but I hope you’ll be gentle with me the next time you come around.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about cleaning out my shoe closet, bagging up and getting rid of tons, yes tons of shoes that were taking up space. They were no longer needed because all they were doing was simply staring me in the face and living rent-free in my closet. It was time for them to go. Decision made but it was with a heavy heart that I gave them their freedom. They were free to go light up someone else’s eyes and perhaps more appropriately to go where they were truly needed.
“Fill your life with lots of experiences, not lots of things. Have incredible stories to tell, not incredible clutter in your closets.” Marc and Angel
I think life is simply an accumulation of holding on to things. It is a collection of things taking up space, emotions that surge and thrive on shaky ground and a constant struggle between the two. Clutter helps to shrink your physical space and minimize your mental capabilities. Letting go is hard and for someone like me who holds on for way longer than it is needed, decluttering is an almost impossible task to do.
“Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor – it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.” Peter Walsh
The problem is you can’t move on when you’re holding on to all that is not needed. There must be a conscious decision and effort to “clean house” meaning letting go of things that no longer serve you. Things and emotions that wear you down, make you lose track of where you need to go, which direction you will have to take to get there and most importantly a decision has to be made to let go, get rid off and open up space maybe for new clutter but the truth is, there is no moving forward if you’re standing still. You can’t do both.
“Simplifying your life isn’t just about decluttering your physical space, it’s also about clearing mental and emotional clutter.” Unknown
Understanding that, you’ve got to declutter. Most of us tend to have an iron grip on things that don’t matter and then we wonder why it is so hard to breath at times or to feel free. If it is not adding value to your life, let it go. If it is just taking up space, dump it. If it makes you feel like you’ve got to do something about it, that’s a clear signal that action is needed.
Focus, declutter, simplify, simplify, simplify. As for people and emotions:
“If your presence can’t add value to my LIFE, your absence will make no difference.” Unknown
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