The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make was the decision to go separate ways. I was looking at a 16 year marriage going under and a little boy who doted on mom and dad and I knew it would break his heart and it did.
However, there was no other way out of the predicament I was in. I could pretend to stay in a marriage where one person dictated how it was going to be run. Meaning “cheating” was alright and I had no say in the matter. He learned different. Still, it wasn’t an easy thing to do. I had to take everything into consideration. I was in a foreign country, didn’t speak the language well, and I had a young boy to take care of. I still remember the letter our son wrote asking if he was the problem and if he was, he would do better. It broke my heart.
Walking away and shutting the door behind me was not an easy decision for all the reasons mentioned above but there was one other thing that took a hit. It was my self-esteem. I hit rock bottom and it took a long time and much working on myself to bring it back up. I learned that “cheating” destroys, it is a selfish act and the person who commits it, well they will do it again. It is just a matter of time. It becomes easier the next time around.
I wanted no part of that. During my journey, I also learned to find my self-worth and self-respect. It didn’t come easy but I knew that I was worth so much more and being in a mediocre relationship is not what a relationship is about. I don’t regret the decision to walk away.
Daily writing prompt
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?
There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.
“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown
The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.
“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale
There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.
“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown
The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.
“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown
That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost an impossible thing to do.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey
Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.
“Patience is a virtue” a short phrase that means “waiting calmly is a good trait.” This was coined way back when waiting for anything to happen was normal and waiting patiently was considered a virtue rather than a hair pulling experience. Well, at least the English poet, William Langland, who came up with this phrase in 1360 thought so.
These days, patience is a learned virtue. At times it takes super-human strength to say, it is ok, I’ll wait a little while longer. The extreme could be waiting for something that never happens but promised it will. There are people in this world who think that showing up late is fashionable. I know someone or have known several people who showed up 30 minutes late for an appointment without so much as calling to say they are running late. This not showing up on time is stamped into their DNA so there is nothing you can do about it except show PATIENCE even if you have to grit your teeth and bear it. Needless to say, these people don’t have a permanent place in my life. They honed my patience level to the negative and it was time for them to go!
“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” Leo Tolstoy
Both come into play when dealing with people who show disrespect for your time and your patience level. It’s not that they don’t know what they are doing, they DO KNOW and that is the truth of the matter. Would they like it if you showed up late or worse still did not show up at all? What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot? I guarantee you they wouldn’t tolerate it for one minute.
“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” David G. Allan
Fine and good. However, these days my patience level is not where it used to be. Gone are the days of accepting it as a slight faux pas. These days, if it happens more than once, I am ready to close the door and move on. Patience is not my strong suit but than again why pull your hair out when in the end you’re the one who ends up with a bald spot and not the person who takes the laid back attitude to life. Believe me, patience is not all it has been cut out to be. Virtue or not, in the end your well-being matters, you matter and your principles matter. You don’t have to put up with it. That said, here are some quotes to lighten the topic.
“My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, well next time don’t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.” Unknown
“My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life, which is pretty much the same thing.” Unknown
“The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.” Unknown
“My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I’m not dead.” Unknown
Tried this last weekend and it was pretty relaxing I must say.
“I MAY LOOK CALM —but in my mind I’ve already killed you twice.” Unknown
“Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.” Ann Bradford
I did but it doesn’t work.
This one I like a lot. It made me laugh which is a good thing.
“I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”
If you’re the type of person who plays havoc with other people’s patience, STOP! Treat others as you would like to be treated and that should do the trick but if it doesn’t and you’re a hardcore and professional patience tester, I hope you get what you deserve.
I have a regimented routine and I stick to it come hell or high water! Changes are not my thing so keeping to the routine is easy to do. Waking up with a good stretch in bed is a must, I do it the “Japanese” way. Just some lazy stretches in bed to get the circulation going before I slide out of bed. Then it’s a visit to the bathroom while Chachi waits patiently.
We head downstairs and since I get up when the birds do, it is still dark outside. Chachi takes his place by the window and I start breakfast. Nothing fancy or heavy. Sometimes it is an egg on toast accompanied by slices of avocado, other times, when I’m lazy, just two pieces of toast and a cup of coffee. Recently, I’ve started making Miso soup, it is healthy and a great start to the day. Then I head back upstairs to watch the news and Chachi stays downstairs watching the day as it wakes up as well.
Now, if there is one thing that I would like to skip if I could are the worries I wake up with. I’m a worrywart so worries are part and parcel of my daily existence. They are of my own making. I worry about everything and anything! Meditation helps with that and walks in nature help as well. However, it takes effort and focus to keep them out and to zero in on the good things. Things I am grateful for and there are plenty of reasons in that direction.
I haven’t got it down to a science yet but I’m working on it. One day, I hope I’ll wake up feeling fantastic and ready to face the day without WORRY on my mind! Fingers and toes crossed!
Daily writing prompt
What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?
A friend asked me recently, “What do you seek the most?” I couldn’t give him an answer right away. It was a troubling question to say the least. I thought I knew because I had been working on exactly this for months on end but now faced with a direct question and I had no answers or rather I was unsure. I wanted to say “love” but the word that jumped in was “peace.” More specifically, “inner peace.” I think without it nothing else matters. It all boils down to just living for the sake of living.
What is inner peace? According to http://www.calm.com, “Inner peace is a deep state of calm, acceptance and contentment. It means being in harmony with yourself, others, and the world around you. It’s not about eliminating challenges or difficulties but navigating through them with a tranquil and accepting mind.”
Do I have that kind of peace in my life? Truthfully, I’m not sure. I have a tendency to let things rattle me, unnerve me, shake me to the core and kick me off balance. I know I have stress and that is nothing new. Dealing with stress has always been an uphill battle but I’m doing better. However, I still have a long ways to go. The question then arose, how do I go about securing inner peace? The kind that gives me a deep state of calm and paints my world a beautiful shade of pink? The quote below might work.
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” Pema Chodron
Sounds simple enough but let me tell you, it’s a hard one for me. I let people control my feelings, emotions and my reactions and that is the first problem. I needed simpler solutions to a tough question so I decided to go looking and turns out I’ve been doing them already!
Breathe it says. Take time out in the day to just breathe and let go. I’m learning all kinds of breathing techniques and it is not just about taking a breath in and expelling it out. The experts have honed breathing to a new high. Breathing has gone high-tech but the original version still works. Try it for a slice of good old-fashioned peace.
Mindfulness is the other technique used to achieve inner peace. Live in the present, embrace it, let it unfold and do not control. Life knows exactly what to do. A really hard one for me as I wanted the answers yesterday!
Meditation is a gold mine and don’t I know it. My early morning and evening meditation practices have worked wonders in my life. I’m calmer, my reaction to unwanted challenges is slower and my mind seems quieter than it used to be. Worth a try if tranquil peace is what you’re searching for. It takes practice to calm that fidgety mind but time and patience will get you there. There is a plus, there is nothing more delicious than unadulterated inner peace.
Nature, connect with it and it will instill peace to the depths of your soul. Something as simple as a walk will take you there. Fresh air and nature’s beauty will clear your mind and you will get a different perspective on life looking at it through nature’s viewpoint. Everything has a time and place, do not rush that is the message.
Practicing gratefulness is a big one. I’ve started practicing this simple concept and my glass went from half empty to actually quite full. Do it often enough and you won’t be lacking anything at all! Too simple? I know. Given time this technique does work because it changes your mindset from negative to a more positive one and we all need that.
If none of the above methods work, do this instead.
“Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.” Robert J. Sawyer
Ever since that question was thrown in my direction, I’ve been thinking about the mindset for inner peace and I have come to the conclusion that all roads lead to “inner peace” first. If you want to have a life free from chaos, disarray and turmoil, work towards inner peace and all the other things will fall into place. Challenges are a part of life both big, small and the daily variety but you can overcome if you focus, work on clearing it and MOVE ON! Standing still in one place for too long would be a big mistake. The Gambler song gives us some tips on how to do exactly that.
If you’re gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right.
You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run….
Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowing what to to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
Those last three lines speak to the matter of inner peace.
Figure it out, have confidence in yourself and HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!
“Life is 10 percent what you experience and 90 percent how you respond to it.” Dorothy M. Neddermeyer
Caring less about things maybe the easiest way to acquire happiness but how many of us do that? How often do we obsess about things we cannot change? More times than I can remember. How often do we let someone trigger something in us and we carry it around for days mulling over every word and detail to the point that nothing else matters but that one little problem but only by this time, it isn’t a small problem anymore but had morphed and become unsolvable! How many times have we let someone bring us down just because something hurtful was said and we take it to heart, handle it like a precious thing and let our self-esteem go to pieces? More times than I can count on my fingers.
Here’s the thing:
“The less you give a damn the happier you will be.” Unknown
Something happened yesterday and I took what was handed to me, went to my corner as I usually do and let it do a number on me! Happiness was nowhere to be seen and my piece of mind was in shambles at my feet. Even then, I refused to let go. I was like a dog with a bone until I stopped and decided to let go of what I was holding within and told myself that there was nothing I could do about the situation. No amount of anger, sadness and wishing, yes wishing was going to change it for the better. I took a deep breath and let it go….
“Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it.” Unknown
That’s the problem isn’t it? We keep allowing things to happen and to hold us in its grasp. If only we could take away the power from the problem at hand and learn to look at it with detachment versus with both feet smack dap in the middle! Learning to care less takes practice especially if you’re the type who cares too much about anything and everything.
LET IT GO……and learn to relax. Problems do have a way of righting themselves out and sometimes with very little help from you. Give it some time, give it some space but most of all, don’t hug it close to your heart. Learn to care less and you’ll be less stressed at and with life. This doesn’t mean being a less caring person it just means picking your battles carefully and when you do, be prepared to look at them with less emotion. Step back and go to work but not with guns blazing! I have to remind myself of this too.
ONE DAY IT JUST CLICKS
“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what others think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover and you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.”
How did it make me feel? I can’t say for sure because I was happy when I started to take it easy and not do anything of importance or one that would require too much brain power. The output would be very little and I thought I would be feeling good by the end of the day. Guess again!
By the end of the day, I was feeling more frazzled and very anxious. It seems having nothing much to do makes me feel that way. Truth be told, it wasn’t just a day with nothing to do. I did my daily walk in nature and that was fantastic as usual. I walked home looking forward to another cup of coffee and than DOING NOTHING! “Not that quick” said life. The phone kept ringing, then I had mail that needed to be taken care of and a date if I wanted it. Got your attention? Yes, a date. It was the cheesecake guy. I hadn’t heard from him in ages and thought it was water under the bridge. To tell you the truth, I was glad that we didn’t have to do the relationship dance anymore. Chachi, the cat, was glad too. He never liked him. Anyway, he was on the other end saying he wanted to meet, just for coffee and a chat. I thought why not. I agreed to a date and time. Getting off the phone, I felt agitated. Dates make me feel that way!
I decided my mind needed something to keep it occupied. This “doing nothing” was getting on my nerves! I looked at my other projects, a sequel to “The Excellent Adventures of Honey and Hubie.” It is finished and has been accepted but I thought it needed brushing up so I pulled out the manuscript and went to work. Chachi plays the lead role in that one and he does a mighty fine job. I got bored after a while and looked at my other project, a novel that spans three generations. Whoa! Yes, right. It is a huge project, 362 pages done and I am lost. Not sure how to proceed. Bah hambug!
What am I doing? It was supposed to be a lazy day. So I put my feet up, cuddled with my little guy and was feeling rested until my ex showed up. We talked for a while but I could feel something coming to the surface. It wasn’t good. I cut the conversation short and sent him on his way. It was downhill from there. My lazy day was nowhere to be seen and I had to keep moving to keep my mind from going to places I didn’t want it to go!
So do lazy days make me feel rested or unproductive. I can’t answer that question because I don’t think I have had one so far!
Daily writing prompt
Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?
She is an American author and queer activist and her podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” won two webby awards. She is empowering, inspirational and her quotes speak to and touch the heart. It has been said that when Glennon Doyle speaks, women listen and I’m one of those women.
“When a women finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself.”
Exactly where I’m at now.
“I looked hard at my faith, my friendships, my work, my sexuality, my entire life and asked, “How much of this was my idea? Who was I before I became who the world told me to be?”
I’ve asked myself the self-same question and the answer is, I was free as a bird!
“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been. There is no map, we are all pioneers.”
“I do not adjust myself to please the world. I am myself wherever I am, and I let the world adjust.”
I know this journey well. I am in the midst of it.
“I have met my self and I am going to care for her fiercely.”
Doing exactly that and I am seeing the benefits.
“We think our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other’s pain. Maybe that’s why we all feel like failures so often – because we all have the wrong job description for love.”
This one made me stop in my tracks and to take a good hard look at what I’m doing.
“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day.”
Beautifully said. What’s inside makes you shine on the outside and it can beat physical beauty hands down.
“Reading is my inhale and writing is my exhale.”
I haven’t done much inhaling lately but boy am I exhaling!
“Find company within yourself and you’ll never spend a day alone. Find love within yourself and you’ll never have a lonely day.” Connor Chalfant
Loneliness is defined as sadness because one has no friends or company. However, it is actually a state of mind. People who are lonely have trouble connecting with others because even though they want and crave human contact, their state of mind makes it hard for them to see beyond what they are feeling. At this stage, they often see themselves as unworthy of friendship, they often feel rejected and more often than not, they voluntarily remove themselves from what is causing them hurt and that is the outside world and so the vicious cycle begins and takes hold.
Low self-esteem, lack of confidence and being an introvert can all lead to isolation and loneliness. The effects are far-reaching and at times scary. It can lead to antisocial behavior, feelings of not fitting in and worst case scenario, it can also lead to depression and suicide.
Almost everyone experiences loneliness at some time or rather and it gets worse during holidays, birthdays and other significant days. Someone close to me is dealing with symptoms of loneliness and any suggestions of help is falling on deaf ears. He is hell-bent on holding onto his new best friend “loneliness.” I think we are our own worst enemy and when we fall, we fall deep and hard. We go into the trenches and it is hard to crawl back out. We tell ourselves we are not good enough as we are, opinions matter and we see ourselves as not worthy of interacting with what is out there. At times the outside world can be cruel and for someone who is struggling it can be more than daunting. What to do short of meeting with a therapist? Perhaps these few tips might help.
Be there and show that you care.
Be patient. Irritation is the common response. Show that you’re there to listen.
Join a group, exercise class or book club. There are many other options.
Do things you enjoy.
Go for a walk.
Share your feelings.
Practice self-care. Start exercising, eat nutritious foods and get enough sleep.
Love yourself warts and all.
Most of all stay busy.
If none of the above help, here are some quotes to see life from the brighter side.
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” Mandy Hale
“It’s impossible to be lonely when you’re zesting an orange. Scrape the soft rind once and the whole room fills with fruit. Look around: you have more than enough. Always have. You just didn’t notice until now.” Mary Oliver
I love this one.
If you are feeling lonely know that you’ll always have:
“Books to nurture your mind. Hands to create and explore. Wind to calm your soul. Breathes to soothe your nerves. Nature to soak your worries away. Stars to decorate your dreams.” Emma Xie
There are several principles that define how I live my life, but there are four intrinsic values that I adhere to. They are honesty, integrity, empathy and kindness.
These four make up the cornerstone of how I live my life. Honesty is important and I try to be as honest as I can. There are times when the “white lies” creep in but those moments are few and far between. However, those “white lies” do come back to haunt me. I am learning to be more straightforward without being hurtful.
Integrity is a must as far as I am concerned. I stand by what I say and when I promise something, I do it. My word is my bond and it really is with me. It basically means that “a person’s spoken promise is a serious and unbreakable commitment, just like a legal bond.” This signifies the highest level of integrity. I know many people who don’t stand by their word. It seems to be a norm these days but I do stand by what I say and you can count on it.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes and it means to understand and consider another person’s feelings and lifestyle without judgment. I try but sometimes I fall short. It is a work in progress.
Kindness is important. I try to be kind, generous, friendly, and considerate to others. It makes for a better world and one act of kindness is all it takes to put a smile on someone’s face when they’re having a bad day or to show them that someone cares.
Those are the principles I live by. There are others but these four are front and center when it comes to defining how I live my life and they help to guide me on the right path and to keep me grounded.
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