human nature – Site Title

The Date

I’ve written about the different types of individuals who are out there on the dating circuit. The narcissists, the scammers, the cheaters, the old men pretending to be 30 again, and a whole host of others that I know are out there but I haven’t met yet and I hope I never do! The aforementioned types give dating a bad name.

Anyway, I went out on this date last week. He seemed nice enough. A medical doctor with an impressive list of achievements to his name. He walked in carrying a bouquet of flowers and with a smile plastered on his face. Three hours into the breakfast date, we were still talking. I had to cut it short so he walked me to the car, gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek and with a, “We’ll talk later,” and went on his way. My thought at the time, “nice guy” except for the fact that he kept telling me that he had a whole slew of women vying for his attention. Hmm…that was a red flag, but I tossed it aside.

The next day, we talked on the phone and he said, “It was a nice meeting. I want to get to know you better. I have a guest bedroom at my place and you can stay there for the weekend. I promise nothing will happen.”

He seemed harmless enough but I knew that there was no way I was going to spend a weekend at his place, no way in hell! I decided to play it out. We’ve been talking everyday since then, just friendly talk. Then it changed yesterday.

The phone call came as usual. He started out with, “I want to be honest with you. I’m not the faithful type.”

ME: “You mean you were unfaithful in your marriage?

HIM: “I’ve always been unfaithful. I think there is a difference between loyalty and being faithful.”

All the alarm bells were going off and screaming “High Alert!”

ME: “What do you mean? If you’re with someone, you are with that person. There is no room for cheating.”

HIM: “I want to be honest with you. If I’m with you, my feelings will remain with you but if someone walks in and I want to have SEX with that person, it means nothing. IT IS JUST SEX, nothing more, nothing less!”

Where do I find these guys?!! Exactly my question. The problem is he didn’t see the stick stuck so far up my you know what and neither did he see all the doors slamming shut on him! I listened and then it was time to put him out of his misery.

ME: “This is not for me. Cheaters are not my cup of tea, coffee or whatever else! You do you and I’ll do me.”

HIM: “Once we are together, I think it will change. I THINK I will be faithful BUT I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

He was being honest but I started wondering how many marriages out there are running on this same concept. The “having your cake and eating it too,” concept. I know it is not for me. Either be with me 100% or take a hike!

Another one bites the dust. Onwards and forwards. This dating thing is more than a headache and a half!

Have an amazing day.

Change is Hard

Change is hard because “our brains are wired to prefer certainty, comfort, and routine, and change threatens our sense of control and security.” Add fear of the unknown to it and it is next to impossible to accept change when it rolls around as it inevitably does because it is a part of life. Change happens whether we like it or not and learning to live with it is a must.

I dig in my heels whenever “change” shows its face around here. My first instinct is to shout out loud more out of fear than anything else. “Oh no, not you again! I don’t need any more changes in my well-organized and well-regimented life,” that is my cry. Change just smiles and takes its place patiently until I come to my senses because it knows that there is no getting away from it, and then it is time to go to work again, getting rid of the old and letting the new in.

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” James Belusco and Ralph Stayer

Have you ever struggled to hold onto something when letting go was the only option you had? Did you come up with excuses as to why it needed to stay? Did you turn what was staring you in the face, the truth, into more than what it was? I’m sure all of us have done that at one point or another. Hanging on to what is familiar is easy to do, not much effort is needed, and even if it hurts like hell, it is a much better option then taking the radical route. The one that takes you on a different path, the road less traveled so to speak and not knowing what is around that corner is more than frightening. If truth be told, it is the path that you’ll have to take to free yourself of what is weighing you down and it is the path that comes with changes. Those changes bring uncertainty, they bring pain, they make you accept your inadequacies and at times, they are more than uncomfortable. If you want better, accepting change is the only way to go.

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma

I’m at the “messy in the middle” part. The “gorgeous” part hasn’t arrived yet and it is scary at times but I know that if I keep at it and keep moving forward one step at a time, I’ll see the light. What light? The light at the end of the tunnel. Change is hard and I’m discarding as I go and accepting some truths that are needed as I move forward. I’ll get there one day.

Sometimes accepting “change” is the only way to go. Let go of what you give value to when you know that you’re overestimating its worth. Not everything is the “next best thing since sliced bread,” and quite often it is more like stale bread! Accept changes as they come and know it will be hard until it turns into something gorgeous.

Have an amazing day.

Learn to Care Less (Archives)

“Life is 10 percent what you experience and 90 percent how you respond to it.” Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

Caring less about things maybe the easiest way to acquire happiness but how many of us do that? How often do we obsess about things we cannot change? More times than I can remember. How often do we let someone trigger something in us and we carry it around for days mulling over every word and detail to the point that nothing else matters but that one little problem but only by this time, it isn’t a small problem anymore but had morphed and become unsolvable! How many times have we let someone bring us down just because something hurtful was said and we take it to heart, handle it like a precious thing and let our self-esteem go to pieces? More times than I can count on my fingers.

Here’s the thing:

“The less you give a damn the happier you will be.” Unknown

Something happened yesterday and I took what was handed to me, went to my corner as I usually do and let it do a number on me! Happiness was nowhere to be seen and my piece of mind was in shambles at my feet. Even then, I refused to let go. I was like a dog with a bone until I stopped and decided to let go of what I was holding within and told myself that there was nothing I could do about the situation. No amount of anger, sadness and wishing, yes wishing was going to change it for the better. I took a deep breath and let it go….

“Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it.” Unknown

That’s the problem isn’t it? We keep allowing things to happen and to hold us in its grasp. If only we could take away the power from the problem at hand and learn to look at it with detachment versus with both feet smack dap in the middle! Learning to care less takes practice especially if you’re the type who cares too much about anything and everything.

LET IT GO……and learn to relax. Problems do have a way of righting themselves out and sometimes with very little help from you. Give it some time, give it some space but most of all, don’t hug it close to your heart. Learn to care less and you’ll be less stressed at and with life. This doesn’t mean being a less caring person it just means picking your battles carefully and when you do, be prepared to look at them with less emotion. Step back and go to work but not with guns blazing! I have to remind myself of this too.

ONE DAY IT JUST CLICKS

“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what others think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover and you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.”

Have an amazing day.

Helicopter Whirring!

A friend sent me an article yesterday and it irritated me to no end! I felt my hackles rise but honestly, there was some truth to the article and later, much later, I realized that maybe, just maybe I was one of them.

LET’S DEFINE HELICOPTER PARENTING

“A term for parents who hover over their kids, always ready to swoop in and solve every problem. They’re over-attentive and overly fearful of their child’s experiences and challenges.”

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

I was and still am overly-protective of the little guy although he is not so little anymore. Divorce and being a single mom threw my world, my regimented world, into one that could only be described as helter-skelter! Trying to find order where there was none was a big problem. Learning to swim again after being thrown in the deep end of the pool was next to impossible and bring “parenting” into such a situation and you’ve got “helicopter parenting” in the making, in my case anyway. I wanted to protect him from the pain, the anger, the confusion, the despair and a whole host of other emotions that I couldn’t control but I could make it easier with the love I showered on him. Bring fear of the unknown into the picture and I was “warrior mom” ready to go up against anyone who so much as sneezed in his direction! However, it didn’t stop me from teaching him what is right and wrong, to stand up for himself, and to be a good and decent human being.

He has been on his own for the last five or six years, studying and taking care of things on his own. I have been there every step of the way but from a distance! It was HARD but I made it somehow. Last year, he finished up with a better than average grade and I couldn’t have been prouder. Then came the tedious task of looking for a job and never having worked a day in his life made it harder still. He took it all in stride and landed two jobs. The first one paid well but involved travel and lots of stress! He opted for the second one at a five-star hotel. He made his choice and he has been working at the hotel for two months now. Just recently, there was an incident involving a guest high on drugs and in possession of a gun! The old me screamed with fear within but I listened as he talked. It turned out that he handled it like a pro!

Early this morning, the phone rang. It was 1:30 a.m. and I knew it couldn’t be anything good. Sure enough, he said, “I’ve locked myself out of the apartment!” I gulped and the old “helicopter mom” would have asked, “How can I help?’ Instead, I let him talk. He explained he had called the building superintendent and he was on the way. Half an hour later, he was back in his apartment.

“I think that instead of helicoptering our kids, we should be strapping some parachutes on their backs made out of things like common sense, kindness, and courage.

Then we should teach them to jump.” Unknown

And be ready to catch them if the parachute fails!

Honestly, I think I did a good job of raising this young man. Sure, there are things I could have done better but he’s on his way and that is all that matters. Next week, he has his second interview after acing the first one. This could be his forever job. Fingers and toes crossed AND I’m leaving the “helicopter” in the cupboard like the friend asked me too!

Learn to Care Less

“Life is 10 percent what you experience and 90 percent how you respond to it.” Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

Here’s the thing:

“The less you give a damn the happier you will be.” Unknown

“Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it.” Unknown

ONE DAY IT JUST CLICKS

Have an amazing day.

Terms of Endearment

“That’s a gesture of endearment in some cultures. Some hug, some kiss, some set each other on fire in small patches of woodland.” Jonathan Stroud

I guess that last part comes in when the relationship goes down south! Closer to home and of the less insane variety, we dish them out like there’s no tomorrow when it comes to endearing terms. It’s meant to show the newly significant other that they are dear to us and laying it on thick and heavy with such “words” is the way to go about doing it. Be it “Angel” “Sweetheart” “Babe” “Lovebug” “Sweetie Pie” “Cupcake” “Sweetie” or as Daenerys (Khaleesi) referred to her husband, Khal Drogo, as “my sun and stars” and he referred to her as, “moon of my life.” Swoonworthy right? However, Daenerys smothers him with a pillow to save him from misery in the end. It was love but celestial bodies do take a dive now and then.

“Because I’ve got a lot more terms of endearment to use. Honeypie. Sugarplum. Bread pudding. “Why are they all high-calorie foods?” Richelle Mead

That’s what I would like to know but you forgot cheesecake! Some of them border on the ridiculous and yet it is part and parcel of the dating world and into the relationship existence. My friend, the one who passed away, used to call me “Lovely,” and at times “Babe.” It was an automatic response and I don’t think he gave it much thought.

Terms of endearment is defined as, “a word or phrase used to address or describe a person, animal or inanimate object which the speaker feels love or affection for.” Another explanation is that it is used “to put people at ease and is a form of approval, empathy, and to show interest.” All fine and good but what happens when the relationship goes south? You guessed it. There are terms for that too but needless to say I’m not going to get into them. Let’s just say that they are not of the nice variety and oftentimes it negates all the “sweet” stuff that we pour on in a fast and furious manner as in the beginning of the relationship. Ones that take you to places you don’t want to go.

Here’s a tip:

“Cheesecake” is my favorite so if you want to get anywhere with me and see my eyes light up, you know what to say!

Update: I’m on Day 4 of no cheesecake and I’m doing okay so far. I still hear it calling but nope, it’s a done deal! Read my article, “The Cheesecake Dilemma” to know what I’m talking about.

Finally, terms of endearment are flitting at best. Permanency doesn’t define its lifespan but spur of the moment does. With that in mind, I’m signing off to go see what “Buttercup,” is doing. That’s my TOE for my cat, Chachi. I’ve got a ton of other names for him and the repertoire is growing everyday! Good that the love shine hasn’t worn off yet.

Have an amazing day.