mental-health – Page 19

TRUST

A series on Getting Back on Track

“There are two reasons why we don’t trust people.

First – we don’t know them.

Second – we know them.” Unknown

The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? Today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”

Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it.

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann

It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”

Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it took only seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.

As I round a bend in the path all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere.

“Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown

I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling, if you will, that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” in front of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.

Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, even if I catch you in the act, you will jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown

Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack.

“I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown.

If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.”

The sun is starting to peek out and today is going to be an amazing day.

I am moving on……

This Friendship Thing

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“Sometimes you need someone to be there for you. Not to fix the problem or offer advice or do anything in particular, but simply to be there. To show up. To be present with what you’re feeling. To see what you’re going through. To see you, understand you.” Unknown

Can men and women just be friends? This is the question that popped up, “When Harry Met Sally,” and sent some of us scrambling for answers. The answer as far as I’m concerned is that it is next to impossible in most cases.

I used to be the proverbial tomboy in my younger days and as such I had some wonderful friendships with the boys I hung out with. It was nothing sexual but of the innocent variety. I had my pigtails tucked under my cap and my ensemble of shorts and t-shirt had seen better days but I was for all purposes one of the boys.

It all changed when I turned sixteen. I got asked out on my first date. He was cute and I accepted. It was also the first time that I had worn my long hair down leaving it brushed and shiny and I wore a dress for the very first time! Lo and behold, things changed after that. I was no longer “one of the boys” but someone they wanted to dance with and spend time with. However, this friendship thing was still there. I learned that boys and later men make very good friends. There is none of the bitchiness, envy or jealousy, it was just straightforward, “I’m your friend,” stuff and all that it entails.

Later during my university days “friendship” with young men was still going strong. I had lots of men friends and although some were happy to be just a friend, others wanted more and that became complicated and made things difficult.

Now, I’m finding out that men are not as simple as they seem. There is a thing called, “friends with benefits,” and it is not my thing and never has been. I’m seeking the pure friendship variety like I used to know when life was simple and innocence was front and center. The problem is no matter how hard I try to make it clear right from the start it never fails before it starts heading in an unwanted direction. Not too long ago, I had this conversation with a male friend. We’ve known each other for quite some time and we’ve done walks, lunches and dinners but nothing more. Well, just a hug or a peck on the cheek as friends do. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Pyjama Party? We can watch some movies and just talk?

Him: I would like some snacks.

Me: Sure, I can get that.

I was thinking this is going great. Just some company with no hassles whatsoever!

Him: I don’t think I can do that!

Me: Why not?

Him: I CAN’T!”

Hmm…does everything have to be sexual? He was honest and that was a good thing but I wanted my good old days back and the reality is, those days have flown the coop!

Let me ask you:

“Can men and women ever just be friends?”

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” Ed Cunningham

Have an amazing day.

HOPE

Looking back at 2024, it was a year of ups and downs, of small successes and big failures, of letting go and holding on and of falling down and picking myself back up, dusting off and moving on. It was of learning who I am, of surprising myself with what I discovered and accepting the inevitable. Through it all, there was hope at the end of the tunnel and like a beacon it beckoned. It said, “you can make it if you just put one foot in front of the other.” So I kept going clinging to the promises that hope made.

“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” Christopher Reeve

Here we are in the new year and it is time to write on the blank page. Today as I glance at the new year ahead, I know I’ve grown, I’ve learned some lessons and I have let go of things that don’t serve me anymore. I hope that the path ahead will be easier than the last but then again when have we known life to be easy. But there is hope.

I hope I will find what I am searching for. Finding that elusive thing called love will not be easy. I am hoping that when I do, it will light me up from within and I will learn to fly again. There is hope.

Fear would have taken a step back and I will set forth wearing my armor of courage and nothing will make me stumble and when fear beckons as it always does because it has been a constant companion in this journey I call life, I will look it in the face and keep on forging ahead. There is still hope.

The road to success is paved with many stumbling blocks but putting one foot in front of the other will take me there. Looking up at that insurmountable mountain will make me want to run and take cover and fear will tell me that I am not going to make it but the path ahead is where I need to go, one small step at a time. There is hope.

A friend told me that he was alright in his comfort zone. He was happy sitting on the ledge and staring into the distance of nothingness. I told him life does not exist in a vacuum, my friend. It was time for him to move and take that tiny step forward. ”But what if I fall?” he asked. ”Oh but what if you fly?” I said. There is hope.

No one knows what the year ahead holds. One thing is for sure the journey forward won’t be easy and at times more than daunting. The miles to walk will be long and scary and looking for those elusive answers will be like looking for that needle in the haystack. But when all is said and done, I hope I will be standing at the finish line when this new year is done and looking back with a smile on my face at a year full of surprising finishes and much success. There is still hope.

Nikki Banas says it like this.

“If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the path to where you are meant to be. Because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through.”

So my friends, let “hope” take us through this year and to the finish line.

Have an amazing day.

Narcissists

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Approach with caution or not at all! You will meet many different types of people when you put yourself out there in the dating scene so be careful. Here is one type that you need to stay away from at any cost if you want to walk away with your self-esteem, your heart and your mental state intact.

A young man sat by a river gazing at his own reflection. ”How beautiful he is. I wish I can be with him forever,” he said to his reflection. He was obsessed and couldn’t pull away. Eventually he died of thirst, hunger and unrequited love. His name was Narcissus and he was the son of the river god in Greek mythology. Narcissism originated from his name.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others.” According to the Mayo Clinic definition, they also have low self-esteem and are extremely sensitive to criticism.

“The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells.” Sam Vaknin

Scary? You better believe it. Ever met one of these walking disasters on your trek into the dating world? If not, you should thank your lucky stars. If yes, you know what I am talking about. The problem is you might be in a relationship with one of these types and not even know it because they are hard to spot. Here are some signs to look out for.

The number 1 trait of a narcissist is, “an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and they require constant, excessive admiration.” If that doesn’t make you want to slam the door shut on them, the following will help you to do exactly that. They are arrogant, lack empathy, are entitled, have feelings of superiority and grandiosity and they have a need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired or loved. They usually get away with wrongdoings and when denial doesn’t work, they turn to rage and all this at your cost I might add.

According to Dr. Brenda Wade, narcissists only think of themselves first and foremost, they want to win, they do not care about your feelings, they are always manipulating for their own personal gain and benefit and they make you think that you are the problem. Finally, gaslighting is their stock and trade.

Why haven’t you noticed these traits right from the start? It seems there is this thing called the ‘fantasy’ phase where you are idolized, more specifically it’s the where you can do nothing wrong phase, but it goes downhill from there.

“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase, “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in a narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.” Ramani Durvasula.

If you have been in one of these relationships you might walk away questioning your self-worth, what you stand for and won’t stand for and more often than not it leaves you broken to the core afraid to step out there again. Where? The world of dating is fraught with many minefields as I have said before and this particular breed is nasty, uncaring and not worth your time. If you are going to be out there, arm yourself first with knowledge and if you should by chance meet a narcissist, RUN don’t walk!

“It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It’s like the trash took itself out.” Karen Salmansohn

Or this:

Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” Ramani Durvasula

Finally this:

The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. By Dayna Craig

She nailed it folks!

Stay safe and have an amazing day.

Love is….

I took a walk in nature today to clear my mind and somehow came back home with love on my mind. What is it? Is it just a feeling or something more? Don’t ask me why or how I got on this topic but it crossed my mind and here I am ready to see what it’s all about it.

“Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” http://www.verywellmind.com

I decided to look a little deeper and found some quotes that describe love in all its entirety and here are some of my favorites.

“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” Paulo Coelho

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times.” Ann Landers

I like the next one a lot. Why? Because I am a romantic at heart and it speaks to my soul. See what I mean?

“Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.” Torquato Tasso

“I don’t want a perfect person. I just want someone to act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me more than anything.” Unknown

“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” Oscar Wilde

Oscar said it well, don’t you think? Simply beautiful.

“The real lover is a man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” Marilyn Monroe

Who knew Ms. Monroe had it in her. The blonde bombshell went deeper than her looks and I love that quote.

Next is my girl, Carrie Bradshaw. She knows her love material well.

“I am someone who is looking for real love; ridiculous. inconvenient. consuming. can’t-live-without-each other love.”

“I’d like to think that people have more than one soulmate. If you miss one, along comes another. Like cabs.”

I am not too sure about that one. Perhaps they won’t be called soulmates anymore. Just run of the mill types who walk in and out of your life and that might be a more appropriate description.

My favorite of them all is this one below.

“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will NEVER get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the best of you, not the hurt you! Never forget that.” Trent Shelton

Feeling all loved up? I know I am. Enjoy your day.

Have an amazing day.

Reducing Clutter in My Life

There are many areas. First of all, relationship clutter needs to go. I find that it clouds my mind and I am caught up in a storm of my own making. All the ifs and buts tend to take over and more often than not I am not in a comfortable place. I’m working on that.

Clutter in the home is another thing I need to work on. Especially my closets. No matter how hard I try to clear up space, I don’t seem to be making headway in that direction. I used to be a clothes horse. However, these days I live in my sweats and dress up only when I need to so I don’t need much “stuff.” That’s another area I need to work on.

Lastly, I need to work on all the things living rent free in my head! It is the kind of clutter that takes up space and blurs the vision! Clarity is what I am seeking so those things need to go as well. Where to start? Hmm…..that is the problem. On my way but not quite there yet. It is a work in progress.

Daily writing prompt

Where can you reduce clutter in your life?

View all responses

Healing

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The Oxford Dictionary defines healing as, “the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.”

There are different kinds of healing depending on what caused the pain in the first place. It could be a broken heart, losing a special person, walking away, or trying to repair something that has no chance of being repaired. How do you heal, that is the question. How long will it take is the more important question here. There are no right or wrong answers. The only thing that matters is that you survive what life has thrown your way.

In the beginning, you’ll wear “sackcloth and ashes” for days on end and you’ll let life go by as you stand at the water’s edge and watch it move on without you. Your life will come to a standstill. However, it doesn’t last forever. You’ll have to get back on to the circle of life because it is expected of you. Grieving, let me tell you, is a lonely affair. You can talk about it, share your feelings, seek the shoulder of someone who cares but the ‘doing’ and the ‘letting go’ part is yours alone.

“Your wound is probably not your fault but your healing is your responsibility.” Unknown

There is no specified time limit as to how long it takes to heal. You’ll hear different versions from people who are not walking or have not walked in your shoes. They’ll make you feel guilty for not letting go sooner and you’ll wonder if all is well with you. YOU are fine. Take the time BUT letting go and healing needs to happen at some point. Life is waiting and so you must get going and do what is expected of you.

You’ll have to get up each morning and get dressed even if you don’t feel like it.

You’ll have to practice self-care even when you want to let it all go to hell.

You’ll have to eat healthier because you matter.

You’ll have to practice self-love because no one else is going to do it for you.

You’ll have to get those feelings of despair out in the open even if you have to scream, shout or bang on the walls to do it. If that is not possible, keep a journal, write it all down and mark your progress.

YOU will have to find the strength within you to move forward and to keep moving forward. You’ve heard the saying, “Time stands still for no man,” well, that’s the absolute truth. It doesn’t.

Get back into life at your own pace but it has to happen at some point.

“It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” Unknown

The great Sufi teacher, philosopher and poet, Rumi, put it this way:

I said: What about my heart?

He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow.

He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

Strange because all I was feeling at that point in time was total darkness at the region of my heart. There was no light there. Rumi, in his wisdom, was pointing out that “pain reveals and helps us cherish what truly matters and this pain and suffering can lead to personal growth and enlightenment.”

So it was a learning curve again? The concept and explanation is good BUT healing that wound is a personal thing, light or no light. Do it your way. Embrace the pain, cry it out, howl to the moon if you have to, sleep it off but get back up. You have a life to live and that right there is the message.

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY

FEAR

Fear, according to Freud, signals danger: “We fear physiological decay, illness and death; we fear the destructive forces of nature; and-of-course- we fear US.” Carl Jung, however, had a different interpretation. “For the hero, fear is a challenge and a task, because only boldness can deliver from fear.”

Whatever the case may be, fear took hold somewhere in my 20s and has been a constant companion ever since. I would consider myself to be a fearful person but people who know me say that I am strong and that I am capable of slaying monsters, the kind that keeps me from stepping out and looking fear right in the eye and thumping my nose at it. However, that doesn’t happen often!

Let’s see, I have a fear of ghosts having seen one or two in my lifetime but that’s for another place and time. I fear the unknown but who doesn’t? I have a fear of falling in love so I have built this insurmountable wall around me and breaking it is going to take super-human strength and a special kind of guy. That said, I do want to find love again but the fear within makes me run before I even get started and that is a conundrum in itself.

“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Robin Sharma

Yet, if I put matters of the heart aside, I have done things that tells me that “fear” is just in my mind and NOT a real thing. I accompanied a sick friend to the very end of his life. In the beginning, I dug my heels in and said, “I can’t do this!” My friend gave me the power to pull the plug when the time came and even though I agreed bravely, the fear within told me, I couldn’t do it. Then the time came and I was asked the question I had been dreading all along. “I can’t take a life!” I screamed inwardly but outwardly I agreed to stop the meds that kept him hanging on to a life that was already gone. It took tremendous strength to see a life get snuffed out but fear was nowhere to be seen at that time.

Sometimes it is at these moments when we think we can’t that we CAN! Fear is an all-encompassing emotion meaning it can stop you in your tracks bringing life to an absolute standstill. I’ve been there and done that. At times, life takes a pause just enough so that you can come to grips with the fear within and to see it for what it is, just a momentary lapse in time until you can gather your strength and start moving again. I’m at that stage now. The fear of the unknown has set in and everything seems scary and putting one foot in front of the other is an option I am not looking forward to. I do know, however, that this too shall pass.

“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” Unknown

I am a fearful person but I’ve stepped out of that fear mode many times. I know that I have the ability to overcome the most fearful things if need be and that for now is enough. One day, I’ll look back at my life and see the things I’ve accomplished in spite of that all consuming fear and know that it was but an imaginary hold in my mind that I created for whatever the reason.

Reality of Fear

You’re not scared of the dark.

You’re scared of what’s in it.

You’re not scared of heights.

You’re afraid of falling.

You’re not afraid of the people around you.

You’re afraid of rejection.

You’re not afraid to love.

You’re afraid of being loved back.

You’re not afraid to let go.

You’re just afraid that he’s really gone.

You’re not afraid to try again.

You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.”

Unknown

Overcoming fear takes constant effort and strength. If you think about it, fear is an emotion like any other. Give it a cursory glance when it steps in as it will but then shove it out the door and move out of its way. You’re fully capable of overcoming fear. I did when I refused to let it have the upper hand. Of course, it is still my daily companion but these days it doesn’t have the strength it used to have. It shows up but it doesn’t stay for long. I don’t stand still long enough for it to take hold and that maybe my superpower against it.

Have an amazing day.

Stop People Pleasing!

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People pleasing is described as “a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process.”

Guilty as charged! I didn’t know this about me but I’m a “yes” person and I tend to jump hoops to help others and in so doing my needs and wants are often placed on the backburner.

Here are some signs of a people pleaser:

You put other people’s needs before your own.

You allow others to take advantage of your kindness.

You feel guilty when you take care of yourself.

You find it hard to say NO.

You stay in relationships that are not good for you.

You worry about the future a lot.

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” Rachel Wolchin

That is the absolute truth. The more you give, the more is taken. It is expected that you give and give but if you step back and take a long hard look at the situation as I did last year, I realized it was time to put a stop to the constant giving cycle I was in. It comes down to setting boundaries, strong ones that don’t buckle under pressure.

“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.” Unknown

It’s time to say NO and to stick to it. Taking small steps as with everything else helps in getting you out of the people pleasing mode and towards being more confident and assertive.

According to Emily Roberts, here’s how to stop those people pleasing habits.

Stop. Stop saying yes when you want to say no.

Take your time saying yes to favors. Think about it first.

Be fair. Are you being fair to yourself when you say yes.

Don’t over-apologize. Just say, “I am sorry and leave it at that.”

Start small. Limit your availability and your time.

Forget the fear. If people get mad when you say no, you shouldn’t be with such people in the first place anyway.

Ask for help. If it’s too much to handle, ask for help.

Brene Brown says:

“When we’re busy pleasing, perfecting, and performing, we end up saying YES a lot when we mean NO.”

What caught my eye and held my interest is the “performing” part in that quote. I suppose we do perform like actors would trying to please people all of the time. In time, this drains us and it saps our energy. More importantly, you get exploited or manipulated by others. The end result is mental fatigue and burnout.

If you’re a people pleaser STOP! Teach others to respect your boundaries and learn to say NO more often. I have to remind myself of this too. You know what you’ll put up with and what you won’t so do it. It is life changing and freeing at the same time.

When someone says:

“You’ve changed”—

You say : No actually I think the proper term is

“I’ve stopped trying to please you.”

Have an amazing day.

The “Anger” Monster

I’ve written about this topic before but it’s worth repeating. Anger has the potential to destroy and in its worst form when it steps in as rage, violence erupts, but not always. It is an emotion that can be annoying, a pesky below the skin variety that pokes and causes discomfort and unrest or it can do damage of the worst kind if not reeled in.

It is defined as, “an intense emotional state involving a strong, uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.”

Sounds simple enough doesn’t it? However, it is not that simple and neither is it of the harmless kind. If left to simmer unchecked like some of us do, it has the potential to erupt in unexpected ways and more often than not to your own detriment.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

I’ve gone through different forms of anger in my life as most of us have, from the mild variety to the last stage involving rage. This last one has the potential to turn a mild-mannered person like myself into someone unrecognizable. My bout with rage appeared when my mother was murdered by an immigrant for a few pieces of jewelry. My disbelief morphed into anger of the worst kind. I would play the scene over and over again in my mind until I became the victim and she, the killer, had the upper hand. There was no changing what had happened but that didn’t matter. I wanted revenge! Some days, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore because “anger” was corroding within me and I was unable to see clearly or to find my way out of this predicament.

“Anger doesn’t solve anything, it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

It took years and I almost let it destroy my life. Writing and putting my feelings down on paper helped and publishing several articles and getting the message out there also helped because as in this case as with most cases these days, the perpetrators have more rights than the victims. My mother did not get the justice she deserved. It was another blow to an already fragile psyche but I had to deal with it. I could have gone off the deep-end but as I have said here many times before, there is strength within. It is of the incredible kind and I tapped into it. I had to survive this ordeal not only for my sake but for those around me. I wanted to kill “her” or thoughts of that magnitude did cross my mind but not for long. I was made of better stuff and I relied on my inner strength to get me through and it did.

“Anger is one letter short of danger.” Unknown

Remember anger is one emotion if left to run wild and unchecked it can destroy and it can wreck more than havoc in your life. It is not worth it and no matter how unfair or unjust you think life is, there is a better way than grabbing hold of anger and letting it take you for a ride. There are better ways of dealing with anger and some of them are to observe, understand even if it seems impossible at the time, make peace, focus on the good, forgive (I couldn’t do this one), and LET IT GO!

A wise man was asked what is anger?

He gave a beautiful answer.

It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.

Sometimes there is nothing left to do but to accept what you can’t change, salvage what you can and move on. Anger solves nothing but it can destroy everything.

REST IN PEACE MOM.