relationships – Page 7

My Definition of Romantic

There are grand gestures and then there are smaller gestures. Grand gestures are dinners in a nice restaurant complete with flowers and a walk somewhere nice. I go for the other variety. Flowers are nice and I love them but the romantic gesture that captures my heart is a walk by the beach, the sky above emblazoned with a thousand stars, the scent of the ocean and the sound of the waves, add to that a touch of the hand, a glance in my direction that speaks more than words can say followed by a moonlit kiss, soft and gentle. This would be my perfect definition of a romantic or a romance-filled evening.

Last year, I was seeing someone. It was a long distance relationship but he would drive the three hours to spend the weekend here. He would bring flowers and we would go out to a nice dinner or take a walk in another village and just let the evening develop. The thing I liked best was that we could sit out back for hours on end, watch the stars come out without saying a word. Once or twice, he would reach out and just hold my hand or give me a kiss on the cheek. Nothing spectacular but it did make my heart skip a beat. What happened to him? That’s another story. Time spent together was enjoyable and at times it felt like home. That too is my definition of a romantic.

I don’t think I’m a romantic but I do love a guy going out of his way to show that he cares. The friend who passed away was a pure romantic. He ran the gamut and nothing was left to chance. Flowers, expensive gifts, dinners, you name it, he was into it. I knew without a doubt that the guy was full-on in. Others are more subtle but still it’s the caring that counts and the little gestures that make up a true romantic.

Daily writing prompt

What’s your definition of romantic?

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The Little Things

“Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that we fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.” Unknown

The “little things” or rather appreciating those seemingly minor or unimportant moments that go to make up life is of minute importance but they are important so today I’m going to concentrate on them and give them the credit they deserve.

The cooing of the pigeons usually irritates me but this morning I’ve decided to let it fly over my head! It has been said that pigeons coo in the mornings, “to communicate with each other, often to attract mates or to defend their territory.” Nice, but I’m not going to get on the rooftop to “attract my mate!” He’s on the way so I’ll let him take his time getting here.

In the meantime, the hot cup of coffee is soothing and the song of the blackbirds out there is like a symphony in my head. Chachi, the cat, stretched out in front of the fan and cooling himself off brings a smile to my face. We’re smack dap in the middle of a heatwave and nothing is helping. Not showers, not roomy t-shirts and not even flip-flops! Nothing much anyone can do but to make the best of it. The Dyson fan is doing a great job of keeping things cool and that is one of the little things.

“I try to find a reason to laugh each day. Somehow, if you can incorporate laughter into your day, everyday, it really helps. It’s the little things in life that make me happy.” Faith Hill

I truly believe in the soothing qualities of laughter. Chachi helps me in that respect. His wobbly gait as he chases a lone fly that had somehow survived the night and is now on his radar makes me laugh. I know that it’s just a matter of time before it too meets its maker!

Note to Self: Cut back on feeding the fly catcher!

A text message saying, “Good morning and have a wonderful week,” puts a smile on my face. It came early but he’s caring that way. Just something small, not a big, gorgeous bouquet of flowers but something small to say, I’m thinking of you,” and it was enough to put a different spin on my day.

The news is droning on in the background. Nothing much is happening and news of Trump and his antics makes me want to roll my eyes and do a heave ho but NOT today. I’m about the “little things” today. Things that bring joy, things that I take for granted and things that show me that life is made up of those little things. Pay attention to them for they have the ability to change your mood, to lighten your load and to put a smile on your face.

What about the big things? They’re there but somehow in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter as much in the here and now.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault

AND

“It’s the little things that usually have the greatest impact in life.

A smile, a hug, a thank you and a compliment.” Unknown

Exactly what I’m going to focus and concentrate on today.

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (4)

THE HUNTER:

I’ve written about the different types of men you’ll encounter on dating portals in several of my posts. The narcissists, the players, the control freaks, the users, the sugar daddies and such, but there is one more and I call him the hunter.

Someone who uses the “hunter” behavior is proactive in starting relationships. If they are interested in you, they’ll initiate the chase. Their goal is to win over their potential prey and they’ll go to great lengths to make sure it happens. They’ll use everything in their arsenal and this includes nice dinners, gifts, flowers, sweet nothings whispered in your ear and making you feel like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!

However, this type also sees “dating” as a game or a challenge. They’re not interested in the real you or in building a deep, lasting connection. You’re nothing more than the pursued to the pursuer. It is all about the excitement of the “hunt.” The initial attraction may take off in leaps and bounds until you become the prize. However, if you’re looking for “forevers,” this guy is not it. He prefers the chase, bagging the prize and when he’s had enough and hears the call of the wild again, he’s off and running to his next victim.

The problem is you don’t matter to the hunter. It’s a game and breaking a heart or two along the way is not going to be a stumbling block for him. All it takes is another woman walking in and one who blinks in his direction and he sees HOPE. Hope of another conquest, hope of the excitement of the chase and hopes that that first kiss will send his adrenaline sky-rocketing. If you’re in such a relationship, let the loser go. Heartbreaking? It is.

Leave the “hunters” to their own viles and look for someone who sees you as a person and not just as a prey!

I think this quote below explains it well.

Ladies, if you have to ask a man, “So what are we?” or “Where is this relationship going?” The answer is nowhere.

Men by nature are hunters and go for what they want. If he wanted you to be his wife, he would have proposed.

If he wanted you to be his lady, he would have asked you.

Men go hard for what they truly want. If he is not going hard for you, you are not what he wants.

Unfortunately, this thing is also called love but it definitely is not the right kind of love. Keep that in mind the next time you meet one of these guys with their pistols cocked! Tell them to take a hike from the get go.

Have an amazing day.

Brene Brown

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

She is the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers and is the host of two award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead. The lady has spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. Her advice for life is, “Don’t let fear stop you.” Here are some of her quotes that will take you on a journey of self-discovery. Enjoy.

“Authencity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live.”

“Trust is not built in big, sweeping moments. It’s built in tiny moments every day.”

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

“The truth is that falling hurts. The dare is to keep being brave and feel your way back up.”

“Here’s what I think integrity is: It’s choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values.”

“Empathy has no script. There is not a right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of, “You’re not alone.”

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

“When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending.”

AND

“At the end of day, at the end of the week, at the end of my life, I want to say that I contributed more than I criticized.”

Have an amazing day.

Settling for Less

“Never settle for less than you desire or deserve because when you accept crumbs people will assume that you will be happy with scraps.” @StacyBranche

Women do this more than men do. Perhaps it’s because we want to feel wanted at any cost and even if that person isn’t who we want, we see it, we feel it deep within and we know that he isn’t the right one, but when “settling” walks in we accept what we normally wouldn’t only to find ourselves in an unhappy relationship.

“If you put someone at the top of your priority list and they put you at the bottom of theirs, maybe it’s time to get out the eraser.” Susan Gale

I love this quote from Susan Gale. That eraser doesn’t see the light of day because we’re so busy making sure that the person who takes us for granted and always puts us at the bottom of their list gets treated like royalty.

Settling for less is defined as, “accepting something or someone that is below your desired or expected standard.” It also equates to staying with a partner who doesn’t fully meet your needs or with whom you’re not truly happy.” Knowing that, why are we so quick at wanting to settle for less?

Some reasons, according to experts, is that we are afraid of being alone, low self-esteem and consistently making concessions, where one partner concedes and accepts while the other doesn’t reciprocate or meet their needs.

When you settle for less you’ll find yourself in a backburner relationship which means, “they’ll keep you around their orbits because they want to be with you – but at their convenience.” They’ll come up with excuses such as, “I’m not ready for commitment yet,” or “they’re working on themselves,” and the classic which goes like this. “Just not now.” That’s where this next quote fits in perfectly.

“Don’t settle. Either they will wake up to the fact that you are worth more…… or you will.” Charles J. Orlando

Know that you’re worth so much more than what you’re willing to settle for. If he’s a loser, let him go. If he’s a procrastinator, definitely let him go and if he’s an a**, run and don’t look back! You deserve better and definitely don’t make yourself into a mouse because the cat will eat you!

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” Nelson Mandela

Aim high and reach for the stars because YOU deserve only the best. You belong in the winner’s circle so act like you’re already there and show the losers the door with no hesitation whatsoever. Something better is on the way.

“Sometimes the hardest part of being a great catch is accepting not everyone’s hands are strong enough to hold you.” Unknown

Keep that in mind and have an amazing day.

Empathy

It is defined as, “the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”

An empath has the ability to truly understand other people’s feelings, however a narcissist, on the other hand, is only able to show empathy when they feel in control and their self-esteem is enhanced but since they are masters at exploitation, it is more likely they show no empathy at all. Not everyone is capable of being empathetic but that doesn’t mean you are narcissistic, just that it’s hard to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” Alfred Adler

There are conflicting thoughts on whether empathy is a learned or a genetic trait. Some experts say it is “something we develop over time and in relationship to our social environment while others feel that it is “something we develop through our upbringing and life experiences – it is also partly inherited.” Then again there are those who say that in 95% of people, it is a learned trait like other human traits such as respect, kindness and honesty.

Whatever the case maybe, I feel it is hard to have proper connections if you lack this all important trait. I’ve met many people who totally lacked empathy and they came across as cold and stone-hearted individuals. They let nothing pierce the armor they wore and it was hard to tell if that was part of their DNA or a facade they wore to protect themselves from showing their vulnerable side.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Empathy is a lost art these days. In a world where we spend most of our time hooked to our gadgets be it an iPhone, cell phones, computers or social media, feeling with our hearts is next to impossible when everything is done with a swipe of one thing or another. When was the last time you really paid attention to someone close? When was the last time you really looked at a stranger and made eye contact? Or when was the last time you stepped into their shoes to experience what they were going through? Empathy is needed in a world where most things are superficial and going heart-deep is a really difficult thing to do.

This message came through when I met my girlfriend, the one who is never on time, for our usual breakfast meet. This time around it wasn’t centered around small talk, instead we had a heart to heart. She had suffered a stroke two years ago and her face droops on one side. She said, “I wish there is something I can do about it,” in a sad voice. It went straight to my heart. I felt her pain as I listened and let her talk. When she finished, I could see that the “listening” had helped. Her voice sounded lighter.

This is Empathy: Let me hold the door for you. I may have never walked a mile in your shoes, but I can see that your soles are worn and your strength is torn under the weight of a story I have never lived before. So let me hold the door for you. After all you’ve walked through, it’s the least I can do.” Morgan Harper Nichols

LET ME HOLD THE DOOR FOR YOU. Sometimes that is all it takes to walk that journey, to feel what someone is going through and to say, let me hold the door for you.

Have an amazing day.

Mind Games (Archives)

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Harper’s Bazaar defines it as, “signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues.” According to them, these are major red flags and it has no place in a happy, healthy relationship.

True and you deserve a happy, and healthy relationship. However, many play mind games just for the hell of it because it makes them feel good or just for some sick pleasure. Others have made it part and parcel of their dating existence. How do you spot this wolf in sheep’s clothing? Not easy because they disguise themselves as one of the good guys. They look and come across as harmless but in actuality, they have the potential to hurt you badly through their manipulative tactics.

Here are the tell-tale signs. Actually there are 9 of them according to geediting.com but I think there are more of them.

Inconsistent behavior……this one is like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. He’s the nice guy one minute and the next you’ll be wondering what changed. It’s NOT YOU! It’s HIM!

Gaslighting..…a technique used to question your own reality, experiences, or perceptions. If you’re constantly doubting or questioning yourself, you might just be a victim of gaslighting.

They never apologize…..this is one significant part of someone playing mind games. Be aware. Instead of apologizing, they deflect blame onto others.

They make you feel guilty….this is one of the tools master manipulators use to shift power in their favor.

They’re hot and cold…..this tactic is known as “love bombing.” This technique will leave you confused and unsure of where you stand and that’s exactly where they want you.

They make you question your worth…..this is a clear sign that someone is playing mind games. It is used to erode your self-esteem making you dependent on them for validation. It’s a form of control.

They withhold affection as punishment….one minute everything’s great and the next they’re not talking to you. It’s a manipulative technique to gain control and hold the upper hand in the relationship. A harsh method used to get whatever they want.

They make you feel like everything’s your fault….even when it isn’t. You’re the bad person and they come out smelling like a rose. Reassess and move on.

They use your insecurities against you….they know your vulnerabilities and they exploit it to gain power and control.

I’ll add silent treatment to the list above. Master manipulators are pros when it comes to using silent treatment to their advantage. It is used as a form of punishment to make you feel unimportant and anxious so that you scramble to make THEM feel important again which means doing anything they want.

“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” Unknown

Mind games have no place in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship deserves respect, love, caring AND your well-being matters. If you find yourself going through one of the 9 items listed above over and over again, it’s time to leave the loser behind to his own wiles and move on to someone who will meet you on equal terms and treat you as an equal as well. They’re out there, you just have to weed through the losers to get there but anything is better than a master manipulator.

“Mind games do not make me believe you are mysterious or interesting. Mind games do make me believe you are a waste of my time and energy!” Unknown

AND

“Let’s play kind games instead of mind games.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND (Archives)

“Best Friends (circa 1910) Fred” by Museum of New Zealand/ CC0 1.0

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale

How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to give their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and I have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning my self-worth as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.

Invest in Yourself

This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money in so many materialistic things but in our rush to please ourselves, we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or a pedicure, and no it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.

Invest in your Environment

Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.

Get Rid of the Unwanted

This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.

Say this to yourself and mean it.

“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown

Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life will get easier.

How to be your own best friend:

“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.

Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”

Cry when you need to.

Give yourself a hug.

Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.

Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown

Good luck and I am on the self-same journey. See you on the other side.

Have an amazing day.

The Leopard’s Spots

The definition of “a leopard never changes its spots” is this. “It signifies that people cannot fundamentally alter their character, even if they try. It also implies that innate traits, whether good or bad, remain fixed.”

Have you met one or two along the way? Did you choose to tango with them and in so doing lose a part of yourself? You’re not the only one. They’re out there and like the predator that they are, they’ll feed on you if you let them.

They are the liars, the cheaters and the ones who march to a different drumbeat. Not one of integrity, honesty or decency like people with good behavior traits do, rather they’ve learned they can prey on someone and when they’ve had their fill they’ll move on to the next victim with no consequences whatsoever.

“A leopard never changes his spots….he just changes what tree he sleeps in….or who he sleeps with.” Unknown

Are you hanging on to someone who doesn’t deserve your loyalty? Has he shown you his “spots” but you refuse to see them? Are you hoping that in time he’ll change? Or are you praying that you’ll be the one to change him?

STEP BACK!

Those behavior traits are ingrained in them. Perhaps, they can’t change who they are but you can change how you deal with them.

KNOW THIS:

“No matter how much a snake sheds skin. It’s still a snake.” Unknown

And that applies to the leopard as well. They’ll change their tactics, they’ll change their hunting style, they’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear, they’ll look you in the eye and make you believe that they’re the next best thing to sliced bread. You can do one better. Walk away before it’s too late and you become another prey in their animal kingdom!

“Something I learned about people…..if they do it once, they’ll do it again.” Unknown

AND

“Rain wets the leopard’s skin but does not wash out the spots.” African Proverb

It’s just a matter of time before those spots reappear and the leopard is ready to pounce again!

A LEOPARD DOES NOT CHANGE ITS SPOTS!

Keep your distance and stay safe.

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (4)

We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.

Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.

He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.

We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.

He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.

Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”

I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.

This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.