It’s another rainy day and the wind is picking up speed and like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs, it is threatening to huff, puff and blow the house in! Well, not that strong but my imagination is on overdrive today. What’s that got to do with the topic at hand you ask? Nothing except the rainy day has got me thinking again so I went looking to see how we do things differently because we do. I found plenty to write about but decided to keep it light, airy and funny to boot. Enjoy.
“One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.”
It is elusive, it doesn’t always show up and when it does, it may not stay forever. That is a given but still we seek it, we want the feeling that says all is well, we are loved and protected AND we want it to paint our world in colors of the rainbow or whatever color love comes in. It doesn’t matter if it looks and feels like cubic zirconia, the shine is all that matters for a while anyways. The problem is, we seek this elusive commodity like a heat seeking missile but a warm willing body is not enough, it needs substance to keep it going and that’s where the iffiness, the wishy-washiness and dead as a doornail comes in.
Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? I’ll guarantee that all of us have at one time or another. I’ve taken that journey many times over. Each time, I tell myself I’ll do better the next time around and each time I watch the worthless relationship go up in flames. I’m like a gardener who had planted seeds and one who is waiting to see what the outcome would be. The hope is that all the care, energy and time would yield a bumper crop but no matter how hard I tried, that plant showed up poorly and died along the way. It got brown and shriveled and no amount of trying to revive it brought signs of life back into it. Yet, I held on because of the invested time, love and energy that had gone into it and I wanted some kind of return when there was none to be had.
It was time to let it go. Put it down to wasted energy, pull it out by the roots and make room for something new to grow. Something which is more conducive and is willing to grow under your care. Bad love like bad seeds are just that, there is no rescuing what doesn’t want to be rescued. LET IT GO.
Love is defined as, “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” verywellmind.com
If some of those behavior traits are missing and keeps on coming up missing, then you need to step back, reevaluate and weigh the consequences of such a relationship. Do not make an unworthy person a priority in your life and toxic relationships are just that, the poison starts slowly but it spreads quickly. Examples of toxic behavior are cheating and carrying on other relationships while in an ongoing relationship and pretending it is a covert operation. The liars and control freaks need to take a hike and those who show no respect for the person they’re with are a waste of time and space. Add to that the ones who can look you in the eye and swear that nothing is going on when you know otherwise should be shown the door quickly. No time should be wasted on them. If you’ve got one of these cubic zirconia types on your hands, remember life is too short for hoping and wishing, also remember you’re a diamond in the making so you have no time and energy to be wasted on fakes. Make room for someone who is willing to thrive in your garden and put yesterday’s mistakes behind you.
“Something I just recently learned was that chased love is not love. If you have to run after it, talk it into staying, remind it of your value, fight alone for the both of you, issue ultimatums, or test it, it is not love. It’s not love, it’s not happiness, it is not fair, it’s not healthy, the only thing it is…..is a waste of time.” Jessica James
I heard someone put it this way as well but not in exactly these words. Why do you have a junk car parked on your property when you’ve got a Ferrari circling your property? Have the wreck towed away and make room for the new, something better at best. Even if there isn’t anyone new on the horizon right now, give it time. In the meantime work on being a worthy person, worthy of love and one who deserves the best as far as love is concerned. Anything less is an absolute no-go!
“Some people will only come into your life to teach you what love is not. And when that happens, I hope you know when to walk away.” F. E. Marie
“Sometimes you need someone to be there for you. Not to fix the problem or offer advice or do anything in particular, but simply to be there. To show up. To be present with what you’re feeling. To see what you’re going through. To see you, understand you.” Unknown
Can men and women just be friends? This is the question that popped up, “When Harry Met Sally,” and sent some of us scrambling for answers. The answer as far as I’m concerned is that it is next to impossible in most cases.
I used to be the proverbial tomboy in my younger days and as such I had some wonderful friendships with the boys I hung out with. It was nothing sexual but of the innocent variety. I had my pigtails tucked under my cap and my ensemble of shorts and t-shirt had seen better days but I was for all purposes one of the boys.
It all changed when I turned sixteen. I got asked out on my first date. He was cute and I accepted. It was also the first time that I had worn my long hair down leaving it brushed and shiny and I wore a dress for the very first time! Lo and behold, things changed after that. I was no longer “one of the boys” but someone they wanted to dance with and spend time with. However, this friendship thing was still there. I learned that boys and later men make very good friends. There is none of the bitchiness, envy or jealousy, it was just straightforward, “I’m your friend,” stuff and all that it entails.
Later during my university days “friendship” with young men was still going strong. I had lots of men friends and although some were happy to be just a friend, others wanted more and that became complicated and made things difficult.
Now, I’m finding out that men are not as simple as they seem. There is a thing called, “friends with benefits,” and it is not my thing and never has been. I’m seeking the pure friendship variety like I used to know when life was simple and innocence was front and center. The problem is no matter how hard I try to make it clear right from the start it never fails before it starts heading in an unwanted direction. Not too long ago, I had this conversation with a male friend. We’ve known each other for quite some time and we’ve done walks, lunches and dinners but nothing more. Well, just a hug or a peck on the cheek as friends do. Here’s how the conversation went.
Me: Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Pyjama Party? We can watch some movies and just talk?
Him: I would like some snacks.
Me: Sure, I can get that.
I was thinking this is going great. Just some company with no hassles whatsoever!
Him: I don’t think I can do that!
Me: Why not?
Him: I CAN’T!”
Hmm…does everything have to be sexual? He was honest and that was a good thing but I wanted my good old days back and the reality is, those days have flown the coop!
Let me ask you:
“Can men and women ever just be friends?”
“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” Ed Cunningham
It is defined as “insulting someone or displaying rude behavior by showing a lack of respect.”
Have you experienced it? I have and it is not a nice thing when faced with such behavior. There are three forms of disrespect. These are known as the passive, subtle and the blatant variety.
Passive disrespect is when someone is condescending, makes insulting insinuations, gives you the silent treatment, is sarcastic and doesn’t care if it is hurtful or not. How do you deal with this kind of disrespect?
Don’t take the bait and address the issue immediately.
Subtle disrespect is when someone mocks you, when they talk behind your back and they will pretend to have forgotten things you agreed on.
Show that it doesn’t affect you or decide if you want to engage. Name the disrespectful behavior you have observed and call them out on it. Have a conversation about it but do not lecture.
Blatant disrespect is the no holds barred variety. They go out of their way to deliberately undermine or demean you. Their actions are obvious and they don’t give a hoot if it hurts you.
Here again stay calm but it is hard to do. Use “I” statements when addressing the issue and ask for clarification. You can react with kindness but since that is almost impossible to do, call the person out on his or her behavior and set boundaries as to what you will or won’t tolerate.
If all else fails, you have the option of walking away and closing the door behind you. No one should put up with disrespect. Disrespect basically says, “You are not important and your feelings don’t matter to me.” The truth is, you are important and your feelings do matter. Do not tolerate disrespect of any kind.
Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter:
“The best way to end disrespect is by not giving them a chance to do it again.” Unknown
“Disrespect is the weapon of the weak.” Alice Miller
“Wasting somebody’s time may be the highest form of disrespect.” Unknown
I like the next one a lot.
“Never let your heart be so forgiving that it gets comfortable with disrespect.” Unknown
“Don’t put up with disrespect just to keep them in your life.” Sonya Parker
“Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.” Unknown
We know that love is elusive. We also know that it morphs and changes shape and just when you think you’ve found the one and only, it goes and shows you something different.
If you’ve got both feet firmly planted in the dating scene, you’re bound to meet one of the following types who give love a bad name sooner than later.
The Egoist
This guy is full of himself. Good looks are his calling card and he thinks the world revolves around him or rather he has women swooning at his feet. Well, the truth is they are at his beck and call because in a world where looks matter, he’s all the rage. However, peel away the outer layer and you’ll find more often than not that he’s sorely lacking in a couple of very important aspects. Sometimes looks disguise what is not there. If you’re a smart woman, it takes but a couple of dates to find out that the man of your dreams has an empty shell. If you’re looking for intelligent conversation and looking to hang on to his every word, THIS GUY IS NOT IT! Move on.
Mr. Trigger-Happy
This type may seem to have it all at first glance but that is where it ends. Give him a little time and some rope and he’ll gladly hang himself! All it takes with this dude to show his true self is to have a normal conversation, well what others might call normal but with this guy it’s like playing the Russian roulette. You’ll never know what rubbed him up the wrong way because everything does! He’s just waiting to unload all the years of repressed anger he’s held back and BOOM he’s off and running. Mostly not in your direction because he’s looking for someone to blame for all his problems. Love is the last thing on his mind. RUN and don’t look back!
The Conundrum
This guy is a headache and a half. He walks in like a hurricane, falls like a ton of bricks and is talking the “M” word before the first date is over! You’ll be wondering what hit you! Certainly not love but a corrupted form of something else. He’ll look into your eyes and ask, “Why don’t I see sparkles in them?” Or he’ll want to stick to you like glue and you can only take a breath until he does! If you’re looking for the nice, easy, relaxing type of love, it’s not with him. It’ll only get worse so move on and keep on walking and don’t look back!
Mr. Past & Present
Okay, this is one to watch out for. He has one foot firmly planted in the past. I mean it is cemented to the past. However, he is looking to connect with someone in the present. You’ll find he is either hung up on his dead wife, a past love or just about anything in the PAST as an excuse as to why he can’t fall in love again but if it comes to doing everything else he is willing and ready. Bring up the “M” word and he’s off and running. Scary? It is. Tread carefully because his true self doesn’t show up until you’re fully in and just when you think things are going great and there’s a future, he’ll pull the rug from under your feet. You’ll be left asking, what happened? It’s not you, it’s him. Move with caution or better still RUN!
This thing called love is impossible at times and at other times, it takes a lot of work to land what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, you’ll have to fall a few times, pick yourself back up, kiss more than a few frogs, dance the Tango with those I mentioned above, and when the clock strikes 12, be thankful that you survived to live another day.
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford
With that in mind, proceed with caution and always with your eyes wide open and tell your heart to sit this one out until you’ve got it down pat. Getting it down to a science is next to impossible but arming yourself with the knowledge to outplay some of the no good types out there is a must!
“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.” Anais Nin
MISSION ACCEPTED!
Right now, I’m choosing….
to believe that everything is working out in my favor
to focus on what I can control
to release what does not align with my vision of the future
to spend time with the people that make me feel safe
to meet my own needs
to take steps outside of my comfort zone
to find the good in every moment
to honor my boundaries
to stay in my own lane
to reflect on my life choices and choose better ones.
to stay consistent with the goals I set for myself
to be accepting of change
to prioritize my peace and happiness
to release unhealthy attachments
to enjoy the journey of life
to love myself exactly as I am
Unknown
That folks is exactly how you do it! Now, I have to convince this other me to get in sync and get with the program!
It’s Saturday and time for another dose of laughter. Enjoy!
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear”
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price –the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, “Good grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon.
“In the first stage of love, your hormones run the show. You flirt, get butterflies in your stomach and heart, toss your hair back often and laugh a lot more. Falling in love makes you glow. Full playfulness and passion, stage one of love, often called the honeymoon stage tends to be everyone’s favorite because it is fun.“
This is how Stage 1 looks like. You can talk for hours on the phone and it never gets old. There is lots of laughing and giggling and you have your rose-tinted glasses on. If there is a blemish the size of a rock on your face, it is invisible at this stage or airbrushed by the blossoming of something special. Time flies by on wings and it is never ever enough. You want more and even though red flags may crop up like a neon sign, you SEE and don’t want to see. It is also the stage of stupidity where your brain and intuition take a backseat and your heart takes over.
Stage 2: Getting Serious
“Enter stage two. You still make a good couple. You hold hands in the park and cuddle up together to watch a movie, but something has changed. You’ve moved in together, maybe even got married. That fun time has run its course and your relationship has entered the serious zone.“
You may have moved in together or maybe not. It could be headed in a more serious direction where the “M” word is bandied about. That rose-tinted glow is there but now grey is starting to seep in. You question his/her motives. When once that laugh was alluring, it now makes you grit your teeth. You see things you don’t like. Things like he doesn’t keep to his word or you’ve caught him in a lie or two. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all over the floor gets your goat. The glow is still there so it’s time to push it all under the rug. You say, “It’ll right itself out. After all, you’re not looking for perfect.” The serious zone is staring you in the face and you don’t want to rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie you say but you know that it could come back to bite you later.
Stage 3: What Happened?
“What happened? Did you fall out of love? By this point, all illusions have been stripped away. You find yourself arguing more. Romance seems like work and you can’t be bothered to squeeze in the time. You just want it to end. And most people do just that, end their relationship.“
This is the “make it” or “break it” phase. It is also the time to let it all hang out phase. Remember that in Stage 1 all was perfect or at least it seemed so. Nothing was out of place, not a hair, not a fake eyelash, perfect haircut, smelling good and NO inappropriate behavior. Now, it’s let it rip time and HOW! If you’re married, who cares is the attitude. Everything is allowed and I mean everything. He’s seen you many times over so why bother? Unkempt hair, less than perfect hygiene, let it all grow out if you know what I mean. He, in turn, lets it rip. Holding it in is no longer required, anywhere anytime is ok. One other thing I find fascinating is that men love talking to you when they are sitting on the throne! Something soothing perhaps? That smile is no longer alluring, those little quirks more than annoying and spending a few minutes talking equates to an hour and a half in your mind. I call this the end of time phase. It’s probably all downhill from here and most choose to end the relationship.
According to one source, there are five clear stages. They are honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment and acceptance. I’ve chosen to speak about three because not many make it past the adjustment phase. If you do, you’re one of the lucky ones. However, the fourth and fifth phase are hard to navigate. Most are either miserable wanting to get out or they’ve accepted their fate and are playing dead until their time is up!
I haven’t given up hope that I will make it to the last phase with a smile on my face and the right man by my side. I’m still working on finding him. Unfortunately, he seems to have lost his way and is nowhere to be found and TIME is running out! Fairy Godmother some help please! I could use your wand right about now!
By now, you know that most of my posts center around this thing called love. It’s because I have my fact-finding shoes on and I want to find out what it is all about.
It is elusive, that’s for sure. It morphs and never stays the same, that’s another aspect. It shows up when you least expect it and it doesn’t stay for long. It is loving and all-consuming but when things go south, it takes off on winged feet. This is my experience as far as love is concerned.
Poor you? Not really. It is daunting this task of finding “real love” but my curiosity is aroused and I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real kind. Curiosity killed the cat, you say? Well, Chachi, the cat, is doing pretty well in that respect and he’s wearing the Einstein hat now!
Someone said to me it is not about ego or attitude yesterday. I totally agree. However, it is not about accepting everyone who walks in the door and placing the “love tag” on them either. That’s a surefire way to disaster. One person called me complicated, well, more than one but who’s counting! Complicated in this case means I’m not willing to accept what is offered. It’s more like the caveman variety. “Here I am woman take me! I like you so no more wasting time and no more discussion. Let’s get down to business!” Nope, that won’t work. I am too emancipated for that BS! Call me complicated all you want but you’re out the door!
I live in a small village that time forgot. The marriages here last a very long time. Have they found the secret to a long and happy love life? Not really. It is based on convenience. Its more like, “I provide and you pander.” Get the picture? These marriages last for a very long time but they are miserable together. One prime example was my in-laws. They were married for decades and they boasted about the longevity of their relationship, however, fights were a part of their daily existence. When he died, she mourned his loss. I wondered if she was mourning the loss of the person or what she was accustomed to, that of nagging and bickering all day long. Perhaps, it was addicting but is that real love?
Someone else said, “If you find it, hold on to it.” I definitely plan to do that. In my journey so far, I’m finding that “love” comes disguised in all its wishy-washy forms but if you want the real kind, you’ve got to take your time, know what you will settle for and what you won’t and don’t be afraid to discard if it’s not what you’re looking for. It takes courage, it takes a single-minded focus and it takes walking the road less traveled. Shut out the noise around you. The one that says, “You can’t do this,” but more specifically the one that roars, “You’ll wind up alone!” I say, “better alone than with the wrong person.”
“Unless it’s mad, passionate or extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life: Love shouldn’t be one of them.” Unknown
AND
“There is no such thing as love, you just happen to bump into someone who laughs at your jokes, likes the way you’re face is and accepts the way you look at the world. Love isn’t real, only two human beings coincidentally lonely at the same moment in time.”
According to the Collins Dictionary, it is defined as “not showing or done with due care for the consequences of one’s actions or attitudes.”
Basically it points to reckless behavior with no thought for the well-being of someone else and not thinking or worrying about the possible results of said actions. It often stems from a lack of self-discipline amongst other things.
“An irresponsible person has no consideration for others.” Unknown
I have put up with irresponsible behavior for most of my life. I think many of us do. We are known as enablers. We do not hold people accountable for their actions but instead make excuses for them so that they can continue on their merry way wrecking havoc as they go along their path of no consequences and move on with no accountability. One can say, the path to hell is often littered with irresponsible behavior.
“Enabling is a significant part of a codependent relationship. It involves supporting the unhealthy behaviors of someone through action or inaction.” Nedra Glover Tawab
It is a sort of give and take so to speak but only in this case you wind up giving more than you’ll ever receive.
Case in Point:
I have a so-called friend who takes irresponsible behavior to a new high. Let’s just say she walks to her own drumbeat one of no consequences AND recklessness should have been her middle name. Anyway, I’ve enabled some of that behavior by putting up with her actions. It has been mostly showing up late for appointments. In the beginning, it was five or ten minutes late. No big deal right? Now, it has escalated to 30 minutes with a stop to do some shopping in between before she arrives with a smile on her face and no apology whatsoever. Still I let it go. Yes, “enabler” should have been my middle name!
However, what she pulled this past week has brought me to a screeching halt and it is time to step back and reevaluate the situation.
I was invited to her place for coffee and breakfast. I told her I would bring the bread rolls and she said, “Looking forward to it.” I was looking forward to some girl talk and a nice breakfast in a quiet atmosphere and I got both but with an unexpected guest! I showed up at the stipulated time bread rolls in hand. By the way, you can add, “Ms. Punctuality” to my last name! Anyway, she walks to the gate, we exchange pleasantries and walk to the front door. Still nothing was said. She opens the door, I step inside and she turns around and says, “I’ve been sick, very sick.” I stop in my tracks all alarm bells going off. I ask, “What with?”
She says, “Everything!”
Me: “What do you mean everything?”
She answers, “COVID!”
Me, croaking, “When did it start?”
She says nonchalantly, “It started last Thursday.”
Now, I am not good at Math but even I could figure out that it was less than a week ago! I was in the house with all windows and doors closed. Not only was there no means of escape but the bacteria or rather the virus was getting ready to pounce on me!
I could see that the table was set for breakfast. What should I do? Should I flee? Should I tell her that this is irresponsible behavior of the highest form? She says, “Let’s make some eggs. You can show me how you make scramble eggs.”
I mumbled, “No, I don’t want eggs thanks,” feeling like the sheep being led to the slaughter. Then she says, “I did the test this morning, it showed one stroke which means I am ok.” I wanted to scream, “I don’t bloody well care!”
Did I tell you I am a hypochondriac as well?
It went downhill from there. I had a cup of coffee probably tinged with bacteria. I refused the ham and cheese and had 1/2 a bread roll with some butter and marmalade all the time thinking, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to die anyway!!” I stayed for an hour, yes an hour because of the “enabler” issue and also because leaving any sooner would have been rude on my part. The conversation was stunted to say the least and I tolerated the coughing which was part and parcel of this breakfast date. When I finally got out into fresh air, I took big gulps as if that was going to stop the virus that was making headway into my system shouting gleefully, “Another one bites the dust!”
It has been four days since and I’ve been downing tea laced with Moringa and spiked with lemon and doing an extra dose of meditation everyday. So far, so good. I googled the incubation period and it says 2-14 days after exposure to the virus! Lord, have mercy!
“Two things I can’t stand – Irresponsible behavior and Disloyalty.” Unknown
Emotionally irresponsible behavior is another form of irresponsible behavior. This one points to an “individual who lacks empathy for a loved one, and one who is frequently insensitive to those whom he or she is closest to.”
I’ve enabled such behavior not once, not twice, but more times than I can count on my fingers. To make a long story short, such partners lack the ability to accept responsibility, they lack empathy, they have a fear of commitment, everything is about them, conversations are usually one-sided, they avoid relationship discussions and last but not least, YOU feel alone in the relationship. One such example is a narcissist. A narcissist is an emotionally immature person who often displays all of the symptoms of emotionally irresponsible behavior. They are self-preoccupied and they are “perfect” in their own eyes.
How do you deal with such people. Dr. Henry Cloud has some suggestions as far as “Name Your Boundaries” and standing by them.
I will not allow myself to be constantly criticized or infected with toxic emotional treatment that damages me. If the situation cannot be resolved, I will not expose myself to it.
I will not allow myself to be yelled at or be verbally abused. If that happens, I will distance myself from the relationship until it stops.
I will not allow myself to trust a liar or a cheat. The lying must stop before I trust the person again.
I will not take responsibility for the irresponsible behavior of others.
I will not tolerate any abuse of any kind.
AND MY OWN:
I will not let anyone treat me as if I don’t matter!
I feel a cough and a headache coming on. Time to Google again!
Site Title 