relationships – Page 8

Toxic People (Archives)

We’ve met them, had to deal with them and been in relationships with them. I’m talking about toxic people. We’ve suffered the consequences but still carried on hoping that change would come. It never does. The outcome is always the same. It is often accompanied by pain and confusion. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is little you can do to change a ‘toxic’ person but you can protect yourself.

In order to deal with a toxic person you need to know their modus operandi or rather how they operate in their world. According to The Mind Journal, there are six types of toxic people.

THE NARCISSIST

Only cares about themselves

Lacks empathy

Truly believes they are better than everyone around them.

THE CONTROLLER

Tries to control everything around them.

Needs to be in charge of every decision.

Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right.

THE DRAMA MAGNET

Feeds off of gossip and drama

Drama seems to ‘follow them’ (they create it).

Puts you in uncomfortable positions.

THE ENERGY VAMPIRE

Drains you of energy, overwhelms you.

Creates problems and feeds on the negativity.

Criticizes and bullies you.

THE COMPULSIVE LIAR

Tells white lies constantly.

Manipulates and gaslights you.

Master of guilt trips.

THE GREEN EYED

Cannot be happy for other people’s good fortune.

Plays the victim

Minimizes other people to feel better about themselves.

These people often bring conflict, negativity and confusion not to mention pain into your life. Dealing with them is like walking on a minefield not suspecting anything would go wrong but eventually it does because they are wired a certain way. They are manipulative, oftentimes abusive and they will find ways to justify their behavior. Remorse never crosses their mind and taking accountability for their actions is a never never thing. They usually take without giving back.

“Just remember, we are all toxic. Every single human being is capable of being toxic, has been, currently is at times.

But some people have the desire to be educated on it and do better while others will ignore any accountability and continue to act the same way.”

Pay Attention

It is not clear why we keep doing circles around toxic people? Perhaps it has something to do with stupidity and the definition of stupid goes like this.

“Knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but still believing the lies.” Unknown

Toxic people for all their flaws can be magnetic. They tend to pull you in and make you want to stay for awhile and if love is involved, it brings a whole new dimension with it.

“Love is 50% stupid and 50% brilliant. The challenge is figuring out which part of it you’re experiencing at any given moment.” Unknown

Once you’ve figured out that you’ve hitched your yoke to a toxic person and don’t know what to do, the following quote might just help.

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about Removing Toxic People From Your Life.

“It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance, you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” Unknown

Painful but short and sweet and perhaps this is the only language that ‘toxic’ people understand. Unfortunately.

Have an amazing day.

Half-Hearted Connections (Archives)

“You don’t deserve a half-hearted love. You don’t deserve someone who can only promise you pieces and not the whole. You don’t deserve someone who’s walking around investing time in other some ones. You don’t deserve a person who can’t commit.” Marisa Donnelly

Have you ever fallen for an emotionally-unavailable man? Have you ever wondered why you’re on a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs and you don’t know if you’re coming or going? If you’re caught up in a never-ending cycle of being taken for a ride, it’s time to get off.

An emotionally unavailable man is typically defined as, “not willing or able to truly commit to you and be loyal to you. This type of man will often want to keep things casual and undefined so as to not deal with any of the emotional components that go into a long-term relationship.”

The problem is even though these men are not available, it doesn’t stop them from being out there on the dating scene. They don’t want long-term but pretend that they do. They send out mixed signals and at times it seems like they want “forever” but it is more in their mind than anything else. The message they deliver is a confusing one and just when you think that you’ve found the one, they’ll show you different in a not so nice way. They’re there one minute, ghost you the next or worse still take up with someone else right before your very eyes. This is a relationship where you’re the non-entity and it is all about them.

How do you know if they’re emotionally unavailable? Here are some signs according to Victoria Miretti.

They cannot say they are looking for a long term committed relaitonship.

They don’t court you.

They struggle to have emotional or in depth conversations.

Their words and actions don’t match.

They are inconsistent.

You don’t experience a steady upward progression in the relationship.

I had the unfortunate experience of meeting one such person. He walked in like a hurricane ready to sweep everything away in his path and I was just coming out of a storm. He had all the makings of “the guy.” The relationship if you can call it that took off like a whirlwind but each time we got close, he took 10 steps back. I noticed the hesitation and put it down to fear because I was feeling the same thing. The problem was I was willing to settle for crumbs knowing full well that they were crumbs because I was coming from a place of lack myself. Having just lost a special someone, I was looking for a relationship. It was a perfect meeting of the minds. The only problem, it wasn’t enough and I knew what a good relationship should look like. This one was sorely lacking but I put up with the charade.

“Life is too short for half-hearted connections and meaningless run-throughs.” Unknown

Low-effort men do not invest in you because they can’t. They find it easy to walk away and take up with someone new in a matter of days or more specifically even before the relationship has ended because their emotions don’t run very deep and hurting someone is part and parcel of how they operate. It is a place where nothing affects them because their heart is under lock and key. A no man’s land or rather a no woman’s land as far as they are concerned. So why even be out there? I guess everyone needs love and if you hurt someone along the way what’s the big deal, right? The problem is, it is a big deal to the person who gets hurt in the process.

“Never put them first, if you always come last. Never give your all, if you only get half.” Unknown

If you’ve read my article, “Dating No-Gooders,” you’ll know that they are out there along with all the others that give “dating” a bad name. One false move will get you to where you don’t want to be. If you’re looking for Mr. Right, know that it is a dangerous world out there so step lightly. If he’s unavailable and shows the signs from the get go, leave him alone and move on. Some people cannot love you the way you want to be loved AND you’re too valuable to settle for anything less or for half-hearted connections.

How do you know if he’s emotionally available? According to singleover30.net, here are some signs to look out for.

If a man is present with you when he is with you, that’s a good sign.

This is not always true from my experience. The person I knew was all there when we spent time together and gave me the impression that he wasn’t shying away from anything but he was emotionally unavailable and hence the confusion.

He is comfortable talking about his feelings.

He is willing to talk about the progression of the relationship.

He won’t waste your time with half-hearted promises.

He will be interested in you and your life.

He prioritizes spending time with you.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though, right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival.

That says it all.

Have an amazing day.

Know Your Self-Worth (Archives)

“Recognize your own worth and you won’t be drawn to those who don’t see it.” Doe Zantamata

According to medium.com, “Your value is directly linked to your belief. If you treat yourself like garbage, you’ll never appreciate your potential.”

It’s interesting how many of us walk into relationships expecting the other person to validate us in some way. We look to them to make us feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel that we are worthy and to make us feel special. Basically we hand over our power and energy to that person and wait to get reimbursed. When it doesn’t happen, we find ourselves in a dark place and beat ourselves down to a pulp.

The truth is, self-worth is your sense of self, your values and your belief that you are worthy of care, support and compassion. It basically means you value yourself enough to know the boundaries and limits and what you’ll accept and what you won’t. It is that feeling within you that says you are worthy and deserving of the right kind of love and that there is a balance in the relationship. If you’ve been doing the chasing and you’re the only one investing in the relationship with your time, energy and efforts and you are not getting or getting next to nothing in return, then it’s time to reevaluate and to take a good hard look at your self-worth. How much is it worth?

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” Anna Taylor

If your self-worth is lacking, here are some strategies to improve it from the people in the know. (verywellmind.com)

Do things you enjoy and are good at:

These help to reinforce your strengths and abilities and can make you more confident.

Exercise and challenge yourself:

Physical activity is linked to a greater sense of self-worth. It also helps to recalibrate your mindset and offers both physical and mental benefits.

Challenge negative thoughts:

Thoughts are not facts. Next time you have a negative self-thought, think of an alternative realistic thought to replace it.

Be kind to yourself.

Learn to be assertive.

Start saying “no!” I have to learn this one myself.

Focus on the positive.

It is important to have a healthy sense of self-worth because loving, respecting and valuing yourself starts with you. It is the first step towards gaining the same from others.

“Once you discover your true worth, walking away from where you are not valued will become the easiest hard thing you will ever do.” Unknown

If they don’t see you as valuable then don’t try to convince them. Remember the only person you need validation from is you. You are enough as you are, you are worthy, you deserve respect, your well-being matters and so does your emotional health. Work on your self-worth and you’ll start attracting the right kind of people, the kind who will respect your worth.

“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.” Unknown

AND

“Know your worth and then make sure to add tax.” Unknown

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY.

STOP! (Archives)

Photo by Linda Eller-Shein on Pexels.com

It’s Time To STOP

Letting others decide your worth.

Forcing unhealthy connections.

Trying to ‘fix’ other people.

Dismissing your own feelings.

Thinking it’s too late to start.

Dwelling on past mistakes.

Overanalyzing everything you do. (WiseLivn)

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Time to put those items into practice. The hardest will be the last one. I do overanalyze everything to the point that I start out with something small and by the time I finish with it, it has been blown to gigantic proportions.

Note to Self: STOP DOING THAT!

Have an amazing day.

The Wrong Guy (Archives)

He’s the wrong guy if he does some or all of the things below. There are reasons why he’s the wrong guy so pay attention to your heart and listen to your intuition. It has your best interest at heart. The following quotes clearly speak to the heart of the matter.

“So many girls fall in love with the wrong guy simply because the wrong guy usually says all the right things.” Unknown

“The wrong man will always find reasons to leave. While, the right man will always find enough reasons to stay.” Unknown

“The wrong person makes you beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you.” Unknown

“The right attention from the wrong guy during a lonely time could fool you into thinking he might be the one.” Unknown

Loneliness creates dire circumstances and this is one of them. Finding our way to the wrong guy is made so much easier when loneliness steps in.

“Don’t settle. It’s better to face a little loneliness now than a lifetime of loneliness with the wrong person.” Mandy Hale

“When it’s the wrong person, anything you ask is too much.” Steve Maraboli

“At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.” Unknown

Pay special attention to this one because with the wrong guy, it is never enough. Nothing you do will be enough and he’ll find excuses for why that is so. It is not you, it is him.

“Never let the wrong man waste your time and precious energy.” Unknown

If he’s the right one, he’ll find his way to you. If he’s not, he’ll be gone in a blinding minute. Sit up and take notice before it’s too late. The wrong guy is not your destiny but rather he walks in to teach you a lesson. Love is not made up of moments spent together, IT IS moments treasured together and the wrong guy will just provide lip service with no substance to it and when it comes down to showing he cares, he’s nowhere to be found. The wrong guy will walk at a moment’s notice and will even tell you to leave while the right one will weather the storm and sometimes even walk you through that storm. Wait for that person and do not settle for anything less than love, respect and commitment.

“Ladies, the right man for you will pursue you. Actively. He won’t leave you wondering whether he’s into you or not.” Mandy Hale

AND

If you want to find happiness, stay the hell away from a**holes! This is something I have to drill into my head as well.

Have an amazing day.

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND (Archives)

“Best Friends (circa 1910) Fred” by Museum of New Zealand/ CC0 1.0

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale

How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to give their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning “me” as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.

Invest in Yourself

This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money investing in materialistic things but in our rush to please ourselves, we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or pedicure and no, it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.

Invest in your Environment

Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.

Get Rid of the Unwanted

This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.

Say this to yourself and mean it.

“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown

Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life will get easier.

How to be your own best friend:

“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.

Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”

Cry when you need to.

Give yourself a hug.

Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.

Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown

Good luck and I am on the self-same journey.

Have an amazing day.

Mandy Hale Quotes

Mandy Hale is a blogger turned New York Times bestselling author and speaker but what captures your attention as far as her quotes are concerned is her ability to connect to the heart of the matter. She is “inspirational, straight-talking. witty” and she empowers women around the world with her quotes. Here are some of my favorites for you to enjoy.

“The only keeper of your happiness is you. Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth and your attitude.”

“There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.”

“The key to happiness is letting each situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be.”

“Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path.”

“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect, you just have to care.”

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”

“Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is BRAVE, even if you stumble a little on your way out the door.”

“Don’t sacrifice your peace trying to point out someone’s true colors, lack of character always reveals itself in the end.”

“There is no model, no actress, no Miss America contender that can outshine a happy, confident, secure woman.”

“The real character of a person is revealed not in how they begin a relationship, but how they end one.”

The next one is where I’m at and it’s hard trusting and believing that “better” is on the way but I’m going to take that chance.

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”

Pay attention to this one. There is a whole world of truth in that one quote.

“The right man for you will move mountains to be with you, he won’t hide behind them.”

Lastly,

YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Have an amazing day.

Don’t Chase (Archives)

“You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.” Nina Simone

This quote brought a smile to my face. How often have we done exactly that? How often have we held on when it was absolutely clear that no amount of cajoling or talking someone into whatever it is you want from them was ever going to change the situation. If that someone does not love you or has stopped loving you, MOVE ON! Learn to leave with your dignity intact.

Easier said than done right? When I found out that my husband of 17 years had been cheating on me something broke within me. I can’t explain it. I became numb. After it wore off, I went into the, “I’ve got to save this marriage mode.” The truth was there was no saving what was never there. When he chose to cheat, he broke the sacred bond between us, broke the trust into a millions pieces, disrespected me and declared our love to be a non-entity. How do you save something that was broken beyond repair? Still I sat at that table. I refused to leave thinking we could go back to a semblance of what was. I cried, I begged and even made a fool of myself but chasing him after he had done wrong only gave him more power over me. He didn’t see his wife or the broken woman before him, he saw someone he could manipulate and decided that he could have his cake and eat it too. When that didn’t work, he walked chasing greener pastures so to speak. Unfortunately or fortunately, cheating never pays and soon that “green pasture” turned into a desert and it was over before he could say, “Hello!”

Commitment is a tricky thing. Sometimes we look for it in all the wrong places. We latch on and even if all the signs tell us to tread lightly we rush in refusing to budge thinking that if we just waited long enough, something will give and sitting at the table of “no love” will turn into something glorious. The truth of the matter is as Matthew Hussey put it so succinctly,

“You shouldn’t try to sell a car to someone who’s in the market for a bike.”

I am learning that I’m NOT looking for the guy who wants to buy the bike, he can have it for all I care. I don’t think I’m even trying to sell a car. These days, I know that I don’t have to sell anything. I am good enough as I am, no selling required!

“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” Roy T. Bennett

Have an amazing day.

Finding Love (Archives)

A Series on Getting Back on Track

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

Love is elusive, it has been said. It is hard to pin down said another. Sometimes it hides in plain sight but it is the one thing that we can’t live without says the heart. Sure, we can pretend that it doesn’t matter if we have love or not and convince ourselves that it is absolutely alright but in those moments when all is quiet and you’re left looking up at the night sky all lit up with a million stars, that is when your heart reminds you that there is more to life than standing here all alone surrounded by such beauty. It is at those moments that your heart yearns for something more, someone to hold, someone to share hugs and kisses with and that one special someone who will finally complete you.

“It’s impossible,” said pride.

“It’s risky,” said experience.

“It’s pointless,” said reason.

“Give it a try,” whispered the heart. Unknown.

Giving it a try is easy. Taking the risk, we’ve all tried that. Impossible and pointless? I don’t know about that but I’m on the search for love, true love. Not the “whishy washy” variety that disguises itself as love but in reality is far from it. This kind of love has the potential to break your heart in two or more pieces if given the chance but I’m looking for the type that can weather any storm. However, I have the tendency to jump in with both feet where love is concerned but I am learning as I go along. The solution could be that we need to stop doing this below.

“Stop planting flowers in peoples yards who aren’t going to water them.” Hylyrikz.com

How many times have we done that? Plenty of times? I know I’ve done that many times over knowing full well that I was stepping on dangerous ground. Yet, I kept on doing it saying, “It has potential, it could be what I’ve been looking for.” And what is that?” you might ask. Is it someone who treats you like you are ordinary? You deserve much more and I deserve much more than that. Ordinary is not my thing, has never been and will never be my thing. If someone you love treats you as “ordinary” it is time to move on and look for that someone who shows you that you are “extraordinary.”

“If he misses you, he’ll call.

If he wants you, he’ll say it.

If he cares, he’ll show it.

And if not, he can’t be worth your time.” Unknown.

This quote says it all. The journey to finding love is hard enough but if you have someone who doesn’t show you all of the above, it is time to move on. Love is not about you chasing someone with no reciprocation in return. It is the meeting of minds and of hearts but it is so much more than that. The caring will show if the love is there. Pay attention to what is shown because it will show you the reality of the situation. Which brings me to the last part.

“Never apologize for trusting your intuition – your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.” Rachel Wolchin

Listen to your gut, we’ve heard that often enough right? How often have we turned our backs on it? I know I have more times than I can count on the fingers of one hand. It was my way of turning a blind eye when the truth was staring me in the face. I’ve walked down paths I should not have and at times the pain was unbearable but I had only myself to blame. Pay attention to that gut feeling, it only has your best interest at heart.

The path I am on is scary, the unknown always is but armed with what I have learned from 2024, I am confident that I am headed in the right direction. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, take a couple of deep breaths and keep on moving. If I stumble along the way and fall which I know I will, it is alright. I will gather up yet another lesson learned and keep moving to the finish line. The end goal is finding love, the kind that will last a lifetime not just for the here and now. When I do find that elusive someone it will not be about completing me but more about adding to who I am and making me feel absolutely extraordinary!

There is hope.

Have an amazing day.

Sticks and Stones (Archives)

This world for as much as it is beautiful is still a cruel place. Evil lurks and strikes when you least expect it. However, the kind of evil I am going to talk about here is not the kind that can hurt you physically but the one that has the power to go deeper, much deeper.

“A dagger of words can pierce the heart more deeply than any weapon.” Unknown

We’ve heard this adage before, some of us many times over. ”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” How often have we taken this one to heart and agreed wholeheartedly that words don’t have the potential to hurt simply because someone had the audacity to throw some unsavory words our way? Words will never hurt you? It doesn’t quite work that way does it? Words have the potential to hurt even more than sticks and stones. They have the power to cut you like a knife, they have the ability to hurt like hell, they can humiliate and maim you to the point that your world comes to a standstill.

Words have power. The good ones can lift you up but the bad ones can bring you to your knees. Labels such as, moron, imbecile, idiot or others of a more sinister nature DO HURT. They can also have an impact on a more deeper psychological level.

So choose your words carefully as you go out into the world today. What you put out there matters so let’s go out and make this world a better place, one word at a time!

Here are some of my favorite quotes that speak to the power of words.

“Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don’t mean much to you, may stick with someone else for a lifetime.” Rachel Wolchin

“Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.” Robin Sharma

And finally this,

“Words are powerful, they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.” Joyce Meyer

Choose your words carefully for they have the power to hurt and much worse than sticks and stones. Whoever said, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” didn’t know what they were talking about!

Have an amazing day.