“Then came July like three o’clock in the afternoon, hot and listless and miserable.” Allie Ray
Only problem we’re in June now and after weeks of rain, the weather has decided to do the other extreme. We have heatwave warnings on and it is supposed to hit 36 Celsius today! That’s 95 degrees in Fahrenheit.
It is noon right now and the temps are going up. Just took a walk in the garden and the plants are drooping even though I watered them this morning. Chachi, the cat has given up and he is hiding out under the stairs where it is cooler. The living area is nice and cool because it has stone floors but the rooms under the roof are another story altogether! It feels like a sauna up there.
The weather prediction calls for rain tomorrow, however, it is up and down and all over the place as far as the weather is concerned recently. I’m hoping for a cooling off as I’m not a fan of hot weather. Perhaps, tomorrow will bring a reprieve but today it’s going to simmer and dance with heat!
Sweat it out, stay indoors with feet propped up and do what Chachi is doing. The little guy in the fur coat sure knows how to do a number on the weather but since I won’t fit under the stairs, I’ll retreat to the bedroom with a glass of iced tea and a slice of cheesecake!
It is defined as, “the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”
An empath has the ability to truly understand other people’s feelings, however a narcissist, on the other hand, is only able to show empathy when they feel in control and their self-esteem is enhanced but since they are masters at exploitation, it is more likely they show no empathy at all. Not everyone is capable of being empathetic but that doesn’t mean you are narcissistic, just that it’s hard to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.
“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” Alfred Adler
There are conflicting thoughts on whether empathy is a learned or a genetic trait. Some experts say it is “something we develop over time and in relationship to our social environment while others feel that it is “something we develop through our upbringing and life experiences – it is also partly inherited.” Then again there are those who say that in 95% of people, it is a learned trait like other human traits such as respect, kindness and honesty.
Whatever the case maybe, I feel it is hard to have proper connections if you lack this all important trait. I’ve met many people who totally lacked empathy and they came across as cold and stone-hearted individuals. They let nothing pierce the armor they wore and it was hard to tell if that was part of their DNA or a facade they wore to protect themselves from showing their vulnerable side.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia
Empathy is a lost art these days. In a world where we spend most of our time hooked to our gadgets be it an iPhone, cell phones, computers or social media, feeling with our hearts is next to impossible when everything is done with a swipe of one thing or another. When was the last time you really paid attention to someone close? When was the last time you really looked at a stranger and made eye contact? Or when was the last time you stepped into their shoes to experience what they were going through? Empathy is needed in a world where most things are superficial and going heart-deep is a really difficult thing to do.
This message came through when I met my girlfriend, the one who is never on time, for our usual breakfast meet. This time around it wasn’t centered around small talk, instead we had a heart to heart. She had suffered a stroke two years ago and her face droops on one side. She said, “I wish there is something I can do about it,” in a sad voice. It went straight to my heart. I felt her pain as I listened and let her talk. When she finished, I could see that the “listening” had helped. Her voice sounded lighter.
This is Empathy: Let me hold the door for you. I may have never walked a mile in your shoes, but I can see that your soles are worn and your strength is torn under the weight of a story I have never lived before. So let me hold the door for you. After all you’ve walked through, it’s the least I can do.” Morgan Harper Nichols
LET ME HOLD THE DOOR FOR YOU. Sometimes that is all it takes to walk that journey, to feel what someone is going through and to say, let me hold the door for you.
It’s hard to say since I have so many of them. Beautiful sunsets, walks on the beach in different countries, the birth of my son, the first time he called me mommy and so many more. All hold a special place in my heart and will stay there forever as special or favorite moments. However, there is one moment that has never tarnished and remains as clear as day even after so many years.
It was my first kiss. Did I get your attention? A love story? It was. I was 21 when I got my first kiss. What? Try living a normal life in a very strict Christian family. Mom used to say, “I have eyes at the back of my head and I can see everything you’re up to.” That put the fear of the devil in me, that and the fact that I was saving myself for marriage.
Anyway, he walked into my life and I was a goner! He was tall and handsome with piercing green eyes. Half Algerian and half French. Yes, quite a combination. If that wasn’t enough, he was a pilot, a captain no less. The fact that he was as old as my dad didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He didn’t see the sign plastered across my forehead either that said, “Saving myself for marriage.” He was a seasoned playboy. The two do not mix. Anyway, the first time I saw him in uniform I held up the, “I am in love!” flag. I didn’t know what it meant only that he was beautiful to look at and he made my breath catch in my throat! Looks mattered back then.
Our first date was fantastic. We had eyes only for each other. Then we took a walk on the beach and with a thousand or a million stars shining above and….wait for it….he kissed me. I felt like I was drowning, dying, flying and everything in between! I was putty in his hands but he sensed something and asked, “Your first kiss? Unbelievable.” It was a long walk back to the car but something was changing within me. It wasn’t just a moment, it was a new beginning. One that I have never forgotten.
What happened to him? We dated but like I said earlier, playboy and an innocent do not mix. I held on to my beliefs and he couldn’t change who he was. We went our separate ways. However, my first kiss was one of my favorite moments of a lifetime. I stayed up there for three days after that kiss. Just flying around in heaven somewhere!
Harper’s Bazaar defines it as, “signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues.” According to them, these are major red flags and it has no place in a happy, healthy relationship.
True and you deserve a happy, and healthy relationship. However, many play mind games just for the hell of it because it makes them feel good or just for some sick pleasure. Others have made it part and parcel of their dating existence. How do you spot this wolf in sheep’s clothing? Not easy because they disguise themselves as one of the good guys. They look and come across as harmless but in actuality, they have the potential to hurt you badly through their manipulative tactics.
Here are the tell-tale signs. Actually there are 9 of them according to geediting.com but I think there are more of them.
Inconsistent behavior……this one is like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. He’s the nice guy one minute and the next you’ll be wondering what changed. It’s NOT YOU! It’s HIM!
Gaslighting..…a technique used to question your own reality, experiences, or perceptions. If you’re constantly doubting or questioning yourself, you might just be a victim of gaslighting.
They never apologize…..this is one significant part of someone playing mind games. Be aware. Instead of apologizing, they deflect blame onto others.
They make you feel guilty….this is one of the tools master manipulators use to shift power in their favor.
They’re hot and cold…..this tactic is known as “love bombing.” This technique will leave you confused and unsure of where you stand and that’s exactly where they want you.
They make you question your worth…..this is a clear sign that someone is playing mind games. It is used to erode your self-esteem making you dependent on them for validation. It’s a form of control.
They withhold affection as punishment….one minute everything’s great and the next they’re not talking to you. It’s a manipulative technique to gain control and hold the upper hand in the relationship. A harsh method used to get whatever they want.
They make you feel like everything’s your fault….even when it isn’t. You’re the bad person and they come out smelling like a rose. Reassess and move on.
They use your insecurities against you….they know your vulnerabilities and they exploit it to gain power and control.
I’ll add silent treatment to the list above. Master manipulators are pros when it comes to using silent treatment to their advantage. It is used as a form of punishment to make you feel unimportant and anxious so that you scramble to make THEM feel important again which means doing anything they want.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” Unknown
Mind games have no place in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship deserves respect, love, caring AND your well-being matters. If you find yourself going through one of the 9 items listed above over and over again, it’s time to leave the loser behind to his own wiles and move on to someone who will meet you on equal terms and treat you as an equal as well. They’re out there, you just have to weed through the losers to get there but anything is better than a master manipulator.
“Mind games do not make me believe you are mysterious or interesting. Mind games do make me believe you are a waste of my time and energy!” Unknown
AND
“Let’s play kind games instead of mind games.” Unknown
What notable things happened today? Nothing much happens around here and things are usually on an even keel and that is a good thing. I don’t like changes and neither do I like anything unforeseen creeping into the picture.
It was a nice day. A friend came over to help in the garden because the weeds are enjoying their freedom after all the rain we’ve had and their freedom needs to be curbed! So this friend came over dressed in his grubby clothes ready to tackle the stuff that I hate doing. I love the garden but I don’t like doing the work!
He did the mowing, the weeding, trimming of the rose bushes and taking down the big and old barbeque pit. It needed to go. We had lunch at a nice Chinese place, picked up some stuff at the garden center and it was back for more of the same. I decided that the lounger would be nicer out back. It was under the terrace area but now we’ve moved it to the other side of the garden. It is shady there and it is a quiet spot to let my mind wander right under the big old magnolia tree and an old pine tree. A perfect spot to rest and relax so he moved it without complaining!
Later, we had a cup of coffee and CHEESECAKE and after a short conversation, it was time for him to go. He promised to come back and cart away the stones from the pit at another time! Sometimes it’s good to have friends who are willing to do the work without complaining!
If there was anything notable, it would be the fact that he did the work without wanting anything in return. It was always a song and dance about the same stuff and that he only gets a kiss on the cheek and a hug and nothing more. Today, there was none of that. He was actually very nice and we had a few laughs and there was no stress. Other than that, it was for all purposes a day like any other and that folks is a NOTABLE day in my opinion.
“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale
How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to give their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and I have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning my self-worth as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.
Invest in Yourself
This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money in so many materialistic things but in our rush to please ourselves, we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or a pedicure, and no it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.
Invest in your Environment
Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.
Get Rid of the Unwanted
This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.
Say this to yourself and mean it.
“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown
Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life will get easier.
How to be your own best friend:
“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.
Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”
Cry when you need to.
Give yourself a hug.
Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.
Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown
Good luck and I am on the self-same journey. See you on the other side.
I am passionate about injustice of any kind. However, my focus has been justice reform, plain and simple. However, it is not that simple. Righting injustices is a passion of mine but it takes time, energy and writing about it to bring about some changes to the system.
I lost my mom to a horrific crime and she didn’t get the justice she deserved. The person who took her life was an immigrant. Someone she had taken in and treated as another daughter. This person took her life for a few pieces of jewelry and money. The perpetrator got 4 years plus time served! Yes, the uproar was great but there was nothing that anyone could do to right the wrong. Believe me I tried! According to them, it was due to some technicality but let me tell you, murderers and the like have too many rights these days. However, those that no longer have a voice suffer the consequences of an unjust system not that it matters to them anymore but the ones who are left behind to mourn their loss are the ones who have to carry that burden and continue on.
Since then, I have written about her case and other cases that screamed injustice of the highest kind. Most of the cases I’ve written about involved the killing of Black men by law enforcement and the brutal overuse of power where these men are concerned. Some of those posts are on this site but many more are elsewhere on other political forums. I think justice should be color blind but the reality screams otherwise. Speaking out is a must and using the written word to shine the spotlight on such atrocities is a definite must as well.
I think we are becoming jaded to the violence around us. It is escalating and the brutality is hard to comprehend. Take the Sade Robinson case for example. She was a young 19-year-old out on a first date. Evil took her life that night and her body was dismembered and strewn all over the county. Justice was served in her case, the killer is awaiting sentencing after having been found guilty on all counts. Will he get the life sentence? We’ll know soon enough but it won’t bring her back and that is the sad reality. Others have walked with next to nothing for the brutality they unleased on an innocent human being.
If I had it my way, I would lock them up and throw away the keys! However, that is a no go in a society that speaks the murderer’s language and sometimes condones their behavior. Change needs to happen.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glovers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut? The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seatbelt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please shut up!” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talks to you this way, Ma’am?” Her reply, “Only when he’s been drinking.”
How many tickets do you think he got after all was said and done?!!
“The only limits that exist are the ones in your own mind.” Unknown
A limiting belief is defined as,”a state of mind or belief about yourself that restricts you in some way. And these beliefs are often false accusations you make about yourself that can cause many negative results. Essentially, they are the lies you tell yourself, and if you allow them to continue, they define you.” http://www.linkedin.com
We all have them and we use them to define who we are as a person and what we are capable of achieving. Most of these beliefs carry negative connotations and they are designed to keep us from moving ahead in life. Here are some of them.
I am not good enough! This one is very familiar at least to yours truly. Quite often, I use this as my mantra to keep me in my rabbit hole. I venture out to take a peek and then I rush back into the hole where I am most comfortable in. If I could I would stay there forever but than again even rabbits come out to play from time to time and to observe life as it passes by. Partake or not, that is up to you. What does, “I’m not good enough,” really mean? It is a mindset that is well-ingrained into your psyche and once it has taken hold, it is next to impossible to get rid off. Perhaps changing the negative to the positive might help. I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Say that often enough and it might just give that not so friendly sod, a heave and a ho and send it packing.
“Limiting Beliefs have one goal…..to keep you from leaving your Comfort Cave so you can’t grow and reach your greatest potential.” Unknown
I don’t have enough time…..this is another crippling lie and it is not true. If you look at the amount of time we waste propped up in front of the TV or sitting hunched over our lap top doing nothing much except to let these two gadgets dictate how we spend our time and nothing more. Truth is, you and I know that we have the time to do better things. We just need to do less of one and more of the things that contribute to our lives and crush those limiting beliefs that keep us from achieving our goals.
The next lie is one that loves to keep you in your place. If only I was taller, prettier, skinnier…..the list goes on and you get the drift. This one is designed to shrink you to 1/2 or a 1/4 of the size you actually are. Each time you repeat and accept this mantra in your head, you see this short, fat and ugly person staring back at you. It is not the reality but one you’ve chosen to accept as your reality. You, no matter what your size, height, weight or looks have just as much to offer this world than the other person. Pat yourself on the back and go conquer the world! I heard a saying once that goes like this. “Walk in like God sent you!”A good one to hold close to your chest and to pull out at those moments when you feel lacking or feeling smaller than you actually are.
Limiting beliefs need constant work. They are not easy to overcome but with time, effort and a conscious effort to defeat them, you’ll find yourself on the other side of the fence, the one that is more positive and forgiving but if nothing helps than perhaps this will.
“Do the uncomfortable. Become comfortable with these acts. Prove to yourself that your limiting beliefs die a quick death if you will simply do what you feel uncomfortable doing.” Darren Rowse
It is a tug of war between two seasons. I love spring and fall. These are my two favorite seasons but since you asked for one, I will go with fall.
I love fall because the heat of summer is at its end and the days start getting cooler and walking out in the fields becomes a nicer affair. I love the “changing of the guard” as I call it. The colors are beautiful and the open spaces are painted in gorgeous oranges, gold and reds and it is absolutely mesmerizing.
One can feel nature getting ready to go on a break and the geese or ducks flying south herald a brand new season on the way. It is a time for reflection and for taking a look back at the year which is coming to an end and perhaps making new commitments that would bring better for the next year. It is also a time to step back and to just enjoy the tremendous beauty that nature puts forth in all its glory.
I love fall for all the reasons stated above but I think more than that it is how my soul soars when I view the beauty surrounding me and an assurance from an unseen force that everything has a time and place and it will happen when it happens.
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