emotions – Site Title

RUN!

I was listening to Matthew Hussey, a well-known dating coach the other day. What he had to say was mind-blowing if not eye-opening. He pointed out that women fall for the wrong types all the time. He mentioned that quite often the red flags are there, clearly visible but we choose not to see it. Instead of putting a stop right there and then, we walk in with our eyes wide open.

He talked about seven signs that women should pay attention to and if those signs are clear and present, RUN is his advice! I’ve seen some of them myself and like those women he talks about in his podcast, I went in with my eyes wide open and was led to the slaughter willingly!

Here are the 7 signs.

1) I don’t want to hurt you or I don’t want to lead you on.

According to Matthew, he is giving you fair warning that it is exactly what he is about to do, hurt you that is, only he thinks that by being upfront about his intention, it will tamper the pain that is to follow. This line basically gives him the permission to mistreat you but with your consent! The ball is in your court and most women fall for it. He’s also telling you that he is not in it for the long run only for what he can get both emotionally and physically. If he finds someone better, he will leave in a heartbeat! RUN if you hear those words.

2) You deserve better than me.

Instead of saying, “You’re probably right,” we fall for this hook, line and sinker! According to Matthew, this is mental warfare at its best. What happens when you hear that line? You do the opposite and that is what he is counting on. It is manipulation at the smartest level and you can bet your bottom dollar that he has done it before. This opens up the field for him to use, abuse and mistreat you. RUN!

3) I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Hmm…a good one and this one tells you what you need to know. Instead of running in the opposite direction and never looking back, this one has a certain pull and mystery about it. Let’s dive in and find out. You don’t really want to know because if he is telling you upfront that he is not serious, listen and keep moving. However, if you go in knowing what the outcome will be then you only have yourself to blame right? It is not as simple as that. These loser types know how to play the game, terrible though it might be. He is counting on you to accept what he is putting out there and in a way, he feels that he has been honest but in an insidious way. He is offering NOTHING from the get go. RUN!

4) You knew what this was.

What?!! Come again? The problem with this is that they expect the emotional and physical contact but with no strings attached. They’ll walk in a heartbeat if someone better walks in and it doesn’t matter if you’re holding your broken heart in your hands. It is all about them. The other thing is if it was nothing then they should have kept their emotions and hands to themselves! Try pointing that out to them but there is no winning with this one. He was never serious in the first place and it was all a manipulation tactic played like a pro.

5) I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

Hey buddy, if it was just friendship you should have stopped with the love scam you were pulling! Friendship is one thing and a relationship is another. If there are feelings involved and you played it to the hilt, then it wasn’t just friendship, it was something more. However, these losers are all about themselves so don’t ask them to own up to it. They never will. It’s a cruel game and they know it. RUN!

6) Why do we need to put a label on it?

According to them labels such as “girlfriend” which eventually leads to something more serious is unnecessary in the world they live and operate in. They want to keep it open so that they can walk when the time suits them. Here again, it is all about them. That line is meant to keep his options open. Labels are part of the norm in the normal relationship spectrum of things but as far as these guys are concerned, they march to a different drumbeat, it is one of using, abusing and discarding. RUN!

7) You’re different from other women I’ve dated.

Wow, how poetic! This one sounds like the ultimate compliment but there is deceit involved with this one as well. They hold you up as someone special only to make you complicit in their mistreatment of you. According to Matthew, it is done to hide their emotional unavailability. This tactic is psychologically damaging because you find yourself in a game of not knowing where you stand and that is part of the plan. They’ll keep you guessing as long as you serve a purpose, one of boosting their ego. The cruelty is that you cater to their needs hoping that they will see you as this caring person and they will eventually choose you. The truth is YOU ARE NOT THE ONE! Instead of being honest, they dance around and pull you into the fray disregarding the hurt they will cause when they take off in another direction later on. RUN!

Matthew is quick to point out that not all men are like that. However, speaking from experience, I say there are plenty out there who are. Take it slow, keep your eyes open, observe carefully and if you see any of those signs above, do not hesitate. just do this. RUN!

Have an amazing day.

MONSTERS!

I’ve talked about the monsters that walk amongst us, the kind who show up when you least expect it or when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time and the ones who don’t think twice about taking a life without so much as giving a thought to what they are doing. I’ve written about them in my posts and these “monsters” exist and there are plenty more out there than you think.

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King

The kind of “monsters” I want to talk about is more of the subtle kind but just as destructive. They don’t take a toll on you physically but they do more than enough to destroy you mentally and emotionally. They live within us and only show up when life takes us in a certain direction and we find ourselves unable to control or understand what is happening.

“Everyone carries around his own monsters.” Richard Pryor

Monsters are often seen as powerful creatures with the ability to wreck havoc and sometimes those powerful and overwhelming emotions can feel that way too. Fear and anger can make us feel unsafe or out of control. The unknown can feel like a “monster” at times and when you harbor “emotional monsters” the kind that take you on roller coaster rides, you are facing monsters of another kind but just as scary and powerful nonetheless.

How do you overcome emotional monsters?

One source says that in order to overcome these so called monsters, you have to identify and label your emotions to better manage them.

Allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than block them out. Emotions are a part of life and provide signals that something needs attention. Take them seriously.

Journaling helps you to gain clarity and to process your emotions.

Deep breathing helps to calm the nervous system.

This next one is definitely worth a try. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I guess after going through that roll call, the “monsters” will either take a hike or disappear altogether!

The last tip is to practice mindfulness. It helps to bring awareness and it also helps to control your mind and emotions. I find that staying in the here and now helps me to do exactly that.

“The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.” Edgar Allan Poe

True, but “monsters” can be tamed if we take control of our minds and show them the door each time they show up. If you keep doing it often enough, they might just stay away. One can only hope.

Have an amazing day.

Your Choice

Happiness is a choice although some may disagree. I feel that it starts from within and works its way out. It is going to take work as with everything else in life that is worth having.

“Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. There’s going to be stress in life, but it’s your choice whether you let it affect you or not.”

Valerie Bertinelli.

If you’re looking at outside factors to validate your existence, if you’re waiting for people to give you what you need to be happy, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Happiness is a choice you make and therein lies the secret of being happy.

It has been said that, “true happiness isn’t a destination, but a way of living….cultivated through intentional practices.” What do you need to be happy? Money? Love? Freedom? Peace? The answer is that it takes all of those things and more. However, there are some key secrets to leading a happy life. They are, “prioritizing positive relationships, practicing gratitude, engaging in meaningful activities, and managing stress effectively.”

These are all good and positive ways you can achieve happiness and to keep it there for a while. However, it is not a switch that you turn on and off. If you want the long-lasting kind of “happiness” you need to make positive choices that help to foster dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and andorphins, the happy hormones. It is something you need to work towards and things like developing resilience, setting intentions and making good choices help to influence “your emotional state and overall well-being.”

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” Dalai Lama

It takes time to cultivate. Daily habits of the positive nature help to get you there. Being kind to yourself helps to strengthen that happiness factor and training your mind to stay positive all help to see life not through rose-tinted glasses but for what it is. Work, work and more work!

“Every choice comes with a consequence. Once you make a choice, you must accept responsibility. You cannot escape the consequences of your choices, whether you like them or not.” Roy T. Bennett

One small step at a time and remember that with discomfort comes growth.

Have a “happiness-filled” day!

Emotional Deja Vu

It is described as, “a feeling of intense familiarity and strong emotions associated with a new experience.” Even though the experience is a new one, the “been there, done that” feeling creeps in and it can bring either dread or joy.

I think we’ve all been there, at some point in our lives, finding ourselves on the same rollercoaster ride time and time again. The same bad experiences keep popping up and no matter how hard we try, we come back to Square 1 before we take off again, back on that rollercoaster with another person who just happens to be the same type you left behind but in a different body!

Have you asked yourself why?

One source says it’s because those “old wounds” haven’t healed and you’re carrying them around like an albatross around your neck. It could be coming from an old relationship that didn’t work out, some trauma that happened along the way which showed you that you are not enough or it could go all the way back to your childhood where you learned that you have to perform and work for everything including relationships.

You make yourself small to fit in. You put up with disrespect. You make do with the blatant lies hoping he’ll change but he never does. You accept crumbs when you should have the whole feast!

You need to stop attracting and accepting low-value men. They are the ones who don’t think twice about cheating on you because they know that whatever they do, you’ll go along for the ride. You will try harder because in your book, love is about conforming to what is asked of you not of being accepted on equal terms. You hang on their every word like a puppy dog and you wait for their validation which never comes. You eat up everything they feed you including the BS! You’re willing to give their “ego” an additional boost by placing a halo on their head, one you’ve decided they deserve. Why? It’s because you find yourself lacking in one way or another. And so the cycle continues.

High-value men do not play games and they are not EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED either! They know how to treat a woman right and they are willing to meet you halfway with love, respect and common decency.

How do you break this pattern of attracting what you are used to and the one your heart knows well?

Break the programming! Something in your past has tattooed this message into your being. “I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve better!” You seek what is familiar to you, the hurts, the pain, the knowing, the red flags. You take it all in and are even comfortable with them. It is what you know best. If you don’t break this cycle, it is emotional deja vu over and over again.

Work on knowing the patterns that get you there. Take time out to find out what you want and be honest about it. Know that you’ll feel lonely having to walk it alone for a while. It is needed.

Remember this:

“You’re a first place girl…..not a “just incase girl!”

AND

“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!”

SO HERE YOU GO!

Know who you are, know your self-worth, don’t settle for anything less and in time those rollercoaster rides will fizzle out. The one who’s meant for you will find you, this time to stay because YOU know exactly what you want and you are no longer settling for anything less than that!

Have an amazing day.

The Fear Factor

“F-E-A-R has two meanings: “Forget Everything And Run” or “Face Everything And Rise.” The choice is yours.” Zig Ziglar

This is an interesting quote. I guess it comes down to how you want to handle fear. My first option has always been the first one. I don’t know when fear walked in and decided to take a permanent place in my life but it did and stayed for a very long time. When murder walked in and took my mother’s life, I knew just how powerful “fear” was. My life as I knew it disappeared and fear and danger were everywhere. I had changed from that fearless young girl who had once roamed the woods alone to a young woman who feared anything and everyone. This was the psychological toll that the murder had on me. Another one would follow in its wake but one was enough to turn my world upside down and to put “fear” at the helm of my existence.

“Don’t be ashamed of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.” Carlos Ruiz Zafon

It took a long time and it took lots of work to step out from the shadows of fear. However, it never fully let go of the grip it had on me. Courage, strength, grit and focus were the tools that helped me to stand back up and to face life on its own terms.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the ability to act in the presence of fear.” Bruce Lee

This latest onslaught on my psyche has been a big one. The unknown is scary and listening to the doctor drone on about tests has brought the fears back, the ones I’ve been working on to eradicate and the ones I thought I had conquered. Now, they’re staring me in the face and I want to do this. “Forget Everything and Run!” A part of me wants to give up and run but the other part, the one that has fought numerous battles and survived wants to take on this latest challenge and emerge the winner.

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you faced, all the battles you have won and all the fears you have overcome.”

September 4th is D-Day. The all-important test will take place and it will determine how my life will change and what comes after. Fear? Yes, it’s there, in fact it is holding my hand right now. I hate that fear is back and holding court and courage has taken a backseat. I’m hoping that the inner spark, the inner light, the warrior within will step forward and sent it packing but it is going to take some time.

“To me fearless isn’t not having fears, It’s not that you’re afraid of anything. I think that being fearless is having a lot of fears, but you jump anyway.” Taylor Swift

So, I’m jumping into the unknown with both eyes open. Whatever comes I will face it head on and I will walk with my head held high as I have in times past. This journey of self-discovery I have been on has taught me that there is incredible strength within and it shows up when you least expect it AND it has the power to overcome the unimaginable. I hope it shows up wearing bells and shows “fear” the door. I can only hope.

Have an amazing day.

Anxiety

According to Wikipedia, it is defined as “an emotion characterised by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil and includes feelings of dread over anticipated events.”

Panic attacks, on the other hand, “are sudden periods of intense fear and discomfort that may include palpitations, otherwise defined as a rapid, irregular heartbeat, sweating, chest pain or discomfort, shortness of breath, trembling, dizziness, numbness, confusion, or a sense of impending doom or loss of control.”

These are not very nice emotions but I’m sure that you’ve experienced them at some point in your life and in my case, “anxiety” visits more often than I want it to. Not to a crippling degree but when it does, I want it to leave like an unwanted visitor who is not welcomed to stay.

According to verywellmind.com, there is a simple technique to take the power away from anxiety. They call it the 333 rule. This rule is said to be a gamechanger on how to manage anxiety.

Notice three things you can see around you. Observe the objects carefully. Note the details, colors, and shapes. This process helps to shift your focus from internal anxiety to your external environment.

Listen closely. Identify three sounds you can hear. They could be loud or subtle sounds and concentrate on them. This also takes your focus away from the internal turmoil and puts it on something else.

Move three parts of your body. Roll your shoulders, wiggle your toes or just turn your head. Pay attention to the sensations caused by each movement.

Repeat all three as many times as necessary until you feel calm and collected.

If that fails, then here are some quotes to get you on the way.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Anne Lamott

I love this one. Unplugging in my case means going within to a place of quiet. Meditation is my go to method and breathing techniques are another way of quieting the mind and to let nirvana reign.

“Anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.” Jodi Picoult

True. You’ve got to move meaning you’ve got to do the work to get rid of anxiety. You can choose to sit still and “rock” but staying still in one spot is not going to do it. Anxiety needs action.

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

Taking a breath and letting go has worked but not always. The “see what happens” part scares me but it’s worth a try.

“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room –it’s the only one you hear.” Unknown

Shut it down, make room for the stillness to come in and take a step in the right direction, one step at a time. If all else fails, put an “out of order sign on your forehead” and retreat. Let anxiety go through you. It’ll find its way out in a little while, it always does.

LET GO OF CONTROL AND KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.

Have an amazing day.

ANGER (Archives)

A wise man was asked what is anger? He gave a beautiful answer. It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.”

I know that anger has been a constant companion in my life for the last several years. It is a powerful emotion that comes easily when something doesn’t go right or when there is a feeling that someone has done you wrong. Sometimes it motivates you to do better, to let go and move on but at other times there is this other variety that grabs hold and refuses to let go. Fortunately, mine has been of the milder version, it grabs hold, I let it boil for a while and then it subsides and I find ways to deal with it. I have heard some people say that they don’t let anger get the best of them but I say, I DON’T believe you! It is a natural emotion and if you’re human, it is going to affect you one way or another.

A girlfriend once told me that when she gets angry, she gets totally bent out of shape. Her idea of letting out steam was to stick needles in a voodoo doll hoping that her ex-husband’s new girlfriend would feel it from here and to the heavens and back! Whatever floats your boat. Would you call that rage? Perhaps, it is also an emotion that needs reeling in before it becomes something else.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

Today has not been a good day. It is a beautiful almost spring-like day but the news I got was anything but. My first response was to feel angry and to ask WHY? It went downhill from there. I decided to take a walk to clear my mind and to come up with solutions to my problem. I walked out the front door, turned the corner to head to the open fields and lo and behold, the road was under construction and filled with cranes, men and noise! I felt the anger slowly rising not that it needed much help at this point. I was looking to vent and I just needed an excuse to let it all out.

I kept on walking and soon I was out in the open leaving the chaos behind me. The sky was a perfect blue, the grass a glorious green and to add to the serene picture several rabbits were out in the open and chasing each other and I felt myself deflate. The slow simmer was back to normal and I walked taking in nature’s antidote to anger. I was slowly returning to normal.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” Thomas Jefferson

Or take a walk as I did and let nature help you to see the bigger picture and get you out of the tunnel vision which has the tendency to draw you into the depths of despair.

Deep breathing, meditating, working out, getting into your Zen-Zone can all help to dissipate anger. However, anger is a natural emotion, let it play out or reel it in but don’t let it get out of hand. Know when to get off the anger mode, accept it for what it is, just a temporary obstacle that can be overcome.

Here are more quotes to help you do just that:

“ANGER doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water, similarly you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the waters calm clarity comes.” Unknown

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha

Lastly,

Understanding Anger

“The goal isn’t to never feel ANGRY. The goal is to UNDERSTAND your anger and to choose HEALTHY ways to respond to it.” Unknown

Healing

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

The Oxford Dictionary defines healing as, “the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.”

There are different kinds of healing depending on what caused the pain in the first place. It could be a broken heart, losing a special person, walking away, or trying to repair something that has no chance of being repaired. How do you heal, that is the question. How long will it take is the more important question here. There are no right or wrong answers. The only thing that matters is that you survive what life has thrown your way.

In the beginning, you’ll wear “sackcloth and ashes” for days on end and you’ll let life go by as you stand at the water’s edge and watch it move on without you. Your life will come to a standstill. However, it doesn’t last forever. You’ll have to get back on to the circle of life because it is expected of you. Grieving, let me tell you, is a lonely affair. You can talk about it, share your feelings, seek the shoulder of someone who cares but the ‘doing’ and the ‘letting go’ part is yours alone.

“Your wound is probably not your fault but your healing is your responsibility.” Unknown

There is no specified time limit as to how long it takes to heal. You’ll hear different versions from people who are not walking or have not walked in your shoes. They’ll make you feel guilty for not letting go sooner and you’ll wonder if all is well with you. YOU are fine. Take the time BUT letting go and healing needs to happen at some point. Life is waiting and so you must get going and do what is expected of you.

You’ll have to get up each morning and get dressed even if you don’t feel like it.

You’ll have to practice self-care even when you want to let it all go to hell.

You’ll have to eat healthier because you matter.

You’ll have to practice self-love because no one else is going to do it for you.

You’ll have to get those feelings of despair out in the open even if you have to scream, shout or bang on the walls to do it. If that is not possible, keep a journal, write it all down and mark your progress.

YOU will have to find the strength within you to move forward and to keep moving forward. You’ve heard the saying, “Time stands still for no man,” well, that’s the absolute truth. It doesn’t.

Get back into life at your own pace but it has to happen at some point.

“It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” Unknown

The great Sufi teacher, philosopher and poet, Rumi, put it this way:

I said: What about my heart?

He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow.

He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

Strange because all I was feeling at that point in time was total darkness at the region of my heart. There was no light there. Rumi, in his wisdom, was pointing out that “pain reveals and helps us cherish what truly matters and this pain and suffering can lead to personal growth and enlightenment.”

So it was a learning curve again? The concept and explanation is good BUT healing that wound is a personal thing, light or no light. Do it your way. Embrace the pain, cry it out, howl to the moon if you have to, sleep it off but get back up. You have a life to live and that right there is the message.

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY

The “Anger” Monster

I’ve written about this topic before but it’s worth repeating. Anger has the potential to destroy and in its worst form when it steps in as rage, violence erupts, but not always. It is an emotion that can be annoying, a pesky below the skin variety that pokes and causes discomfort and unrest or it can do damage of the worst kind if not reeled in.

It is defined as, “an intense emotional state involving a strong, uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.”

Sounds simple enough doesn’t it? However, it is not that simple and neither is it of the harmless kind. If left to simmer unchecked like some of us do, it has the potential to erupt in unexpected ways and more often than not to your own detriment.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

I’ve gone through different forms of anger in my life as most of us have, from the mild variety to the last stage involving rage. This last one has the potential to turn a mild-mannered person like myself into someone unrecognizable. My bout with rage appeared when my mother was murdered by an immigrant for a few pieces of jewelry. My disbelief morphed into anger of the worst kind. I would play the scene over and over again in my mind until I became the victim and she, the killer, had the upper hand. There was no changing what had happened but that didn’t matter. I wanted revenge! Some days, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore because “anger” was corroding within me and I was unable to see clearly or to find my way out of this predicament.

“Anger doesn’t solve anything, it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

It took years and I almost let it destroy my life. Writing and putting my feelings down on paper helped and publishing several articles and getting the message out there also helped because as in this case as with most cases these days, the perpetrators have more rights than the victims. My mother did not get the justice she deserved. It was another blow to an already fragile psyche but I had to deal with it. I could have gone off the deep-end but as I have said here many times before, there is strength within. It is of the incredible kind and I tapped into it. I had to survive this ordeal not only for my sake but for those around me. I wanted to kill “her” or thoughts of that magnitude did cross my mind but not for long. I was made of better stuff and I relied on my inner strength to get me through and it did.

“Anger is one letter short of danger.” Unknown

Remember anger is one emotion if left to run wild and unchecked it can destroy and it can wreck more than havoc in your life. It is not worth it and no matter how unfair or unjust you think life is, there is a better way than grabbing hold of anger and letting it take you for a ride. There are better ways of dealing with anger and some of them are to observe, understand even if it seems impossible at the time, make peace, focus on the good, forgive (I couldn’t do this one), and LET IT GO!

A wise man was asked what is anger?

He gave a beautiful answer.

It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.

Sometimes there is nothing left to do but to accept what you can’t change, salvage what you can and move on. Anger solves nothing but it can destroy everything.

REST IN PEACE MOM.

ANGER

A wise man was asked what is anger? He gave a beautiful answer. It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.”

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

Today has not been a good day. It is a beautiful spring day but the news I got was anything but. My first response was to feel angry and to ask WHY? It went downhill from there. I decided to take a walk to clear my mind and to come up with solutions to my problem. I walked out the front door, turned the corner to head to the open fields and lo and behold, the road was under construction and filled with cranes, men and noise! I felt the anger slowly rising not that it needed much help at this point. I was looking to vent and I just needed an excuse to let it all out.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” Thomas Jefferson

Or take a walk as I did and let nature help you to see the bigger picture and get you out of the tunnel vision which has the tendency to draw you into the depths of despair.

Here are more quotes to help you do just that.

“ANGER doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water, similarly you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the waters calm clarity comes.” Unknown

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha

Lastly,

Understanding Anger

“The goal isn’t to never feel ANGRY. The goal is to UNDERSTAND your anger and to choose HEALTHY ways to respond to it.” Unknown