“Life is too short for long-term grudges.” Elon Musk
He’s right there but holding “grudges” as humans seems to be normal if not a necessary practice at times. Holding a grudge against someone who did you wrong is sometimes the only form of hitting back or getting some form of satisfaction for all the pain they had put you through. Even if it is invisible to the person you are aiming the grudge at, nevertheless, it feels good to have that weapon an imaginary one that seethes within you and sometimes burns a hole in your soul.
Been there, done that. I’m only human after all and I’m no saint. I know I’ve held a “grudge fest” against my ex for a long time. How dare he walk off into the sunset and leave me to deal with the aftermath after causing the wreckage he did? That right there was my reasoning for holding onto the grudge. It took a long time to learn that grudges weigh you down, there is a certain heaviness that you carry around but more importantly, you do not move on or move forward with a grudge or two hanging around your neck.
“Holding on to anger is like holding on to an anchor and jumping into the sea. If you don’t let it go, you’ll drown.” Unknown
This applies to grudges as well. Learning to let go takes time, doing the forgiveness thing even more so. I still haven’t forgiven him but I have learned to let go of the bitterness. I don’t feel that sour taste in my mouth each time he shows up here. That in itself is progress. I also believe in karma and I know that what you put out there comes back to you eventually. Is that like holding a grudge? Maybe, but it is the best I can do for now.
I was doing fine until the hospital called in the afternoon and wanted to move the test to earlier in the morning, like really early on September 4th!
ME: “WHY?!!”
THEY: “It is going to take a couple of hours so it’s better to do it earlier in the morning.”
Oh Gawd! Peace flew out the window and I’ve been climbing walls ever since. I’ve done the bedroom walls and the office area as well and nothing is helping! Chachi, the cat, has been eyeing me with a look that says, “I told you she’s weird!”
My plan was to show up there in the afternoon thinking they might be tired and I could sweet talk the doctor into letting me out of taking the test. I wanted to move it a year down the road. This early morning BS just threw a wrench in my plans. Anyway, I’ve been Googling and I have all the reasons written down as to why I DON’T need this test. Mount Sinai Hospital says that my levels are in the normal range. Another hospital says that the levels could be higher due to some supplements and the best part is one doctor says that the test they are planning to do will not be accurate. Whatever they say, it will be wrong! I sort of like this last guy. Exactly my thoughts!
Then I googled what the test is all about. Yes, I’ve been busy. They will shoot some radioactive stuff in your veins. Wait 15 minutes and you go under this big machine. It takes pictures. Just awful for a hypochondriac and a person who has a slight case of claustrophobia. If that’s not enough, you have to wait for another 90 minutes or so and you go under the machine again and it takes more pictures!
I told a friend and he said, “STOP GOOGLING!“
Anyway, it is going to be a sleepless night because my mind is racing and doing somersaults and I am wide awake! No amount of meditation is helping and I am P I S S E D! A friend will be accompanying me, the Chilean guy, he’s perfect because he is cool as a cucumber in moments of stress and the complete opposite of me. It will be a tough day for him having to put up with me.
I will have my fingers, toes, eyes and everything else crossed! Wish me luck folks because this is a big one.
There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.
“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown
The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.
“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale
There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.
“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown
The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.
“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown
That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost impossible thing to do.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey
Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “Ok take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw, reery, reery, reery, fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery, fass back to me.” So she did
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease……worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…..Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a**!”
When I first started posting here, I didn’t think of it as blogging. I was away from the public eye or so I thought and at the time I had next to no viewers, readers or “likes” for that matter. It was alright with me because everything was low-key and I could write about whatever I wanted to.
It was fun, it was a way to get my frustrations out and at times my anger out as well and a way to clear the path forward. I had taken a fall and I was trying to find my way out of that rabbit hole and what better way to do this than to get it all out there, the good, the bad, and the ugly! I was literally putting myself out there, lock, stock and barrel.
Then those “likes” started rolling in and I realized that people liked what I was writing about and some were in the same boat as I was and it was a way for us to grow and get better together. However, it got a little uncomfortable because at times I felt like I was on full display with my hurts, wounds, and feelings out there for all to see. The other aspect was that there were many out there who had walked the same path I had walked and were looking for ways to get a grasp on life again. I continued and now I do get more likes than I used to, the site is “booming” as I was told earlier this week and it is doing fine.
It is not about the “likes,” it is about life from my perspective and what I have done to get myself back on track and back on the journey of life and if my story has helped someone than my writing or blogging has been well-worth the effort.
I am learning that each new day is a reminder to do better.
I am learning that I am fully capable of dealing with everything life throws my way.
I am learning that I need to practice gratefulness and to be thankful for all that I have.
I am learning to accept me as I am and to make changes if some of those things don’t work to my greater good.
I am learning to let go of things that don’t serve me and I am making room for those that do.
I am learning that I can’t change people, I can only change myself.
I am learning that life is a journey full of ups and downs and nothing stays the same forever.
I am learning that there is no such thing as forever, just the here and now.
I am learning that love is fleeting at its best and at its worst, it has the potential to turn your world upside down and inside out. Tread carefully.
I am learning that cheaters never change. They are repeat offenders. Integrity is just another word to them. A relationship with such an individual is like throwing pearls at pigs.
I am learning that today is a blessing, a gift and I have it in my power to make it an amazing day.
I am learning that life is ever-changing. It is a learning curve and mistakes are made to show us a new way of handling things and to learn and to grow from them. Perhaps that is what life is all about.
“But most of all, I am slowly learning how to just be in this moment. How to exist. How to understand that I cannot control life, that I can only experience it in both its light and its dark stages. I am slowly learning how to laugh and cry and feel through it all, how to welcome the confusion and the joy that come with loving and living and breaking. I am slowly learning how to accept where I am”
“I am slowly learning how to simply believe in the person I am becoming.” Unknown
I’ve talked about the monsters that walk amongst us, the kind who show up when you least expect it or when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time and the ones who don’t think twice about taking a life without so much as giving a thought to what they are doing. I’ve written about them in my posts and these “monsters” exist and there are plenty more out there than you think.
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King
The kind of “monsters” I want to talk about is more of the subtle kind but just as destructive. They don’t take a toll on you physically but they do more than enough to destroy you mentally and emotionally. They live within us and only show up when life takes us in a certain direction and we find ourselves unable to control or understand what is happening.
“Everyone carries around his own monsters.” Richard Pryor
Monsters are often seen as powerful creatures with the ability to wreck havoc and sometimes those powerful and overwhelming emotions can feel that way too. Fear and anger can make us feel unsafe or out of control. The unknown can feel like a “monster” at times and when you harbor “emotional monsters” the kind that take you on roller coaster rides, you are facing monsters of another kind but just as scary and powerful nonetheless.
How do you overcome emotional monsters?
One source says that in order to overcome these so called monsters, you have to identify and label your emotions to better manage them.
Allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than block them out. Emotions are a part of life and provide signals that something needs attention. Take them seriously.
Journaling helps you to gain clarity and to process your emotions.
Deep breathing helps to calm the nervous system.
This next one is definitely worth a try. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I guess after going through that roll call, the “monsters” will either take a hike or disappear altogether!
The last tip is to practice mindfulness. It helps to bring awareness and it also helps to control your mind and emotions. I find that staying in the here and now helps me to do exactly that.
“The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.” Edgar Allan Poe
True, but “monsters” can be tamed if we take control of our minds and show them the door each time they show up. If you keep doing it often enough, they might just stay away. One can only hope.
I’m not talking about secret agents who monitor and police extraterrestrials but the kind who have another job altogether. In Europe, they are known as chimney sweeps and they are dressed all in black as they show up every year without fail to make sure that your chimney is in the best shape possible and all set for the colder months ahead.
My chimney had its checkup yesterday and it passed with flying colors! It’s because I didn’t use it last year. Why? I don’t know, probably because I was too lazy to start up a fire in the fireplace and or because I didn’t spend a lot of time in the downstairs area. I had got the wooden logs set up but never lit them. I told the chimney sweep that and he said, “I can see that. I still have to check and make sure that everything is in working condition.” He looked up the chute with a flashlight and headed on outside where the opening for the chute was. He opened it and there were some ashes in there. How it got there, I don’t know. He cleaned out the chute with a long-handled brush and everything was ready to go.
He’s a regular and usually shows up here with another guy but this time he was alone.
HIM: “You’re all set for this year. I wish you a nice day, see you next year and stay healthy.”
WHAT?!!
I gulped and stared at him wondering if he saw something I didn’t! Did I look ill? Why that remark about health? As you know, I’ve posted about my upcoming test and how it is affecting my daily existence so his remark went a little deeper than it should have. They don’t call me a hypochondriac for nothing! I was dying to ask him why he made that last remark but bit my tongue. I wished him a good day and with a smile he took off to his next appointment.
It has been said in these parts that chimney sweeps bring good luck. “People believe that seeing a chimney sweep, shaking their hand, or even having one attend a wedding brings good fortune and prosperity.” Hmm…..I could use some good luck right about now so maybe some has rubbed off on me! I can only hope and come to think of it, I should have shaken his hand or given him a big hug just to get a little closer and have that magic dust rub off on me!
There was a definite chill in the air as I took my morning walk. I was earlier than usual and not even the farmers were there ready to start their day. The hay bales stood as before, silent and heralding the approach of a new season. No deer to be seen today, perhaps I was too early even for them.
The sun was shining but the chill made me pull my sweat jacket closer around me. The Rapeseed plants have been mowed down and there is a clear view everywhere. I’m sure those plants will show up again in spring but for now, it is time to take a well-earned rest before they put on their glorious display next spring. I am grateful for the view ahead with nothing to block it. The mountains seem to emerging from their slumber and with the sun shining, they are clearly visible, no longer shrouded in mystery as they usually are.
I walked keeping an eye out for the herons but they are a no show today. They must be asleep as well. A sudden cawing of a crow brought me out of my reverie and as I moved my eyes skywards, one flew over my head. They are raucous creatures but they thrive over here. Something about the open spaces or maybe even the graveyard nearby. They often congregate there. Makes you wonder why doesn’t it?
I made it to where the apple trees are and they are bogged down with apples. A bumper crop this year it seems. I left them alone as I have enough apples on my one lone apple tree in the garden and I would have to give some of them away. However, I know where the wild grapes grow and I headed in that direction. There they were hanging like beautiful works of art waiting to be picked. Some were still green, but some were a dark purple and I picked a few for a snack later. There is nothing better than freshly picked anything!
The walk was uneventful but it helped to clear my mind of the cobwebs that were already gathering there. I have a clean slate to start my day on and it is a beautiful feeling of peace and unadulterated joy? Perhaps, not quite joy but just akin to that. Just then, the first farmer approached on his huge tractor blocking the pathway so I got on the field to let him pass. He waved as he passed and I waved back with a smile. They must be getting used to this lone female who loves the fields as much as they do!
Being “single” is cringeworthy to some, unbelievable to others, unbearable to those who think “single” is a bad word and a “no go” in today’s society of settling for anything even if it means you are with the wrong person just so long as you have someone to boost your image.
Single is defined as “the state of being unmarried or not involved in a long-term relationship.”
I’m both right now but I have to say it’s working out for me. I love spending time by myself and I’m learning that I like who I am. All the clutter that clouds my mind in a relationship is gone and for a change there is peace and clarity within.
“You’re single not because you are not good enough for one, it’s that you’re too good for the wrong one.” Chris Burkmein
Sometimes we make the wrong choices and wind up in relationships that are not good for us. Taking the time as I am doing to find out why I keep falling for the wrong types is a necessary move on my part. Making a promise to do better the next time around is an integral part of the journey I’m on. It’s a journey of self-discovery and I’m not rushing things. I’m taking my time going within to weed out all the destructive bits that lead me on the self-same journey over and over again.
“It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.” Unknown
Settling is not my thing and never has been and I’m stubborn to a fault. Put the two together and you have someone who may never find the right one and “single” is in her cards forever! However, I’m not giving up hope. Working on myself is a priority this year and when and if the “new” someone shows up, I hope I’ll be ready to lower the banner I have around my heart which says, “Do Not Disturb, Work in Progress!“
It has been said:
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” Parade
AND
“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well.
Like…..It’s working out.
I think I’m the one.”
Unknown
All jokes aside, being “single” is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means you are taking time out for yourself, learning who you are, loving yourself, working on your self-worth and when the time is right, you’ll get your wings and you’ll learn to fly with the right person.
“Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.” Unknown
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