This one is embarrassing. The best compliment I’ve ever received was when I was in my early 20s and it was given to me by a group of businessmen.
I was in Singapore at the time and in McDonalds meeting a girlfriend for lunch. Sitting behind us was a group of men in suits. They kept staring but I didn’t pay it much mind. After 20 minutes they got up and left. I was glad because they made me uneasy for some reason. A few minutes later they walked back in. There were about 10 of them altogether so I froze in mid-conversation. They walked to our table, one guy had a single rose in his hand and an envelope. He didn’t say a word as he handed me both, smiled and they left. The place was eerily quiet as everyone glanced over at us.
I opened the envelope and there was a card in it. It said:
“To the most beautiful girl in Singapore.”
It also contained 30 dollars to pay for lunch I guess. Nothing else. No telephone number nothing. I never saw them again but that chance meeting has stayed in my memory because it literally blew my mind!
I was a wild child in my teens running around barefoot in the forest and playing with the ducks and most days I was covered with mud from head to toe but I loved it. I blossomed when I was 16 and those things were put aside. I never thought of myself as a beauty but things changed. I went from being a tomboy to a quiet young woman. More introvert than anything else. That compliment was my awakening to a different world. Beauty is more than a buzz word, beauty is power in some cases. These days they still tell me I am attractive but I march to a different drumbeat. It is more about the inner beauty and not about the fading kind.
Most of us cringe at the thought of doing the hard things. Be it a break-up, walking away, losing a job or letting go of things that no longer serve us, it is an exceptionally hard thing to do. It is not something we look forward to because it means taking the bull by the horns and waging war on what seems to be an impossible task at first. Given time, patience, perseverance and a hard-headed look at what needs to be done to get to the other side, we find it is doable but not easy.
Easy is not what life is about. If anything, easy is not in its vocabulary. It seems at times that “living” is about going through the hard stuff. Sometimes one and sometimes a string of unsolvable and often times impossible situations but you and I know that it is those hard times and how you deal with it that brings out the strength in us. Sure, it would be easier if we didn’t have to deal with them but when has that stopped life from throwing the hard stuff our way?
Where would we be without them? Probably having a great time without having to walk through the minefield of the hard stuff all equipped and designed to bring you down to your knees if you make a false move. There is no right or wrong way of going about it, it is trial and error and an undying resilience to take what is handed to you and to make it work for you. We’ve all made those false moves where we’ve crashed and burned and just when you think there is nothing left to do except to pick up the pieces and make the most of it, there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. There is that open door that beckons because as you know when one door closes another one opens but it is human nature or at least it is mine to look past it and back at the one that has closed and is no longer available.
“Hard things are hard because there are no easy answers or recipes. They are hard because your emotions are at odds with your logic. They are hard because you don’t know the answer and you cannot ask for help without showing weakness.” Ben Horowitz
The hard stuff has kept me captive for longer than I want to admit. Truth is, I don’t do “HARD” well. Holding on is my nemesis, letting go of things that no longer serve me is harder still and moving on, well that is an impossible task at times. I hold on hoping that changes will come my way but it never does. Things happen for a reason, people are the way they are because they are wired that way and looking and hoping is not going to change things. However, whatever life throws your way, there is a lesson in there somewhere but it is hard to see when it first hits you. I think we fail miserably at times because we walk in circles, bang our heads on that closed door and refuse to move on until we are drained of energy and there is nothing else to do but to walk through that open door. Human nature at its best? I think so.
We are fully capable and have the strength within to meet the hard stuff head on and to tame it if necessary. It is the fear of the unknown in sync with the weakness within that works hand-in-hand to stop us in our tracks, makes us tremble where we stand as we whisper, I can’t. You and I have had our baptism by fire in one form or another, of this I am sure. The hard thing is just one more obstacle to overcome, nothing more, nothing less. We tend to make it more than what it is. Life is a never-ending circle of challenges in the form of “hard things” to overcome. It is mixed in with the good stuff but it is the hard stuff that brings forth the real you. Your strength, your power and most of all your ability to slay it where it stands takes courage, growth and an attitude of never giving up which will put the “hard stuff” in its place. Who knows if shown the door more often than not, it might decide to stay away. We can hope can’t we?
“I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things.” Glennon Doyle
This is a hard one and this early in the morning? My mind is doing a scramble to unravel that mystery because I’ve known many people in my life who seemed very confident and had a handle on this thing called life.
If I had to narrow it down to one person, I would say it was my mom. She is no longer here but her presence remains and is a constant reminder that I can do all things as she did in her life. She was a petite person but a giant when it came to raising her children. Some would call her an “helicopter mom” because her life was based around us and she was constantly looking out for us but when it came to parenting, she was a one woman parenting machine! I take many of my cues from her when it comes to my son and the questions he has. She had answers to every question and believe me there were many many questions!
Part of that parenting system didn’t cater to a rambunctious young girl because I wanted things my way but she stood her ground. She stood up to adversity like a pro and challenges were just that, something to be conquered or handled and that was it. No berating herself like I do. I remember her standing tall even at the worst times in her life and even when her life came to an end because someone chose to end it, she put up a fight. She was and is, the most confident person I know and have known. She had faith in herself and in God and these two things combined together were an unbeatable team. I am confident but nowhere close to where she was but I am learning to embrace my own strength and I see confidence in how I handle things as well. Perhaps the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say.
We’ve met them, had to deal with them and been in relationships with them. I’m talking about toxic people. We’ve suffered the consequences but still carried on hoping that change would come. It never does. The outcome is always the same. It is often accompanied by pain and confusion. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is little you can do to change a ‘toxic’ person but you can protect yourself.
In order to deal with a toxic person you need to know their modus operandi or rather how they operate in their world. According to The Mind Journal, there are six types of toxic people.
THE NARCISSIST
Only cares about themselves
Lacks empathy
Truly believes they are better than everyone around them.
THE CONTROLLER
Tries to control everything around them.
Needs to be in charge of every decision.
Makes you feel like you can’t do anything right.
THE DRAMA MAGNET
Feeds off of gossip and drama
Drama seems to ‘follow them’ (they create it).
Puts you in uncomfortable positions.
THE ENERGY VAMPIRE
Drains you of energy, overwhelms you.
Creates problems and feeds on the negativity.
Criticizes and bullies you.
THE COMPULSIVE LIAR
Tells white lies constantly.
Manipulates and gaslights you.
Master of guilt trips.
THE GREEN EYED
Cannot be happy for other people’s good fortune.
Plays the victim
Minimizes other people to feel better about themselves.
These people often bring conflict, negativity and confusion not to mention pain into your life. Dealing with them is like walking on a minefield not suspecting anything would go wrong but eventually it does because they are wired a certain way. They are manipulative, oftentimes abusive and they will find ways to justify their behavior. Remorse never crosses their mind and taking accountability for their actions is a never never thing. They usually take without giving back.
“Just remember, we are all toxic. Every single human being is capable of being toxic, has been, currently is at times.
But some people have the desire to be educated on it and do better while others will ignore any accountability and continue to act the same way.”
Pay Attention
It is not clear why we keep doing circles around toxic people? Perhaps it has something to do with stupidity and the definition of stupid goes like this.
“Knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but still believing the lies.” Unknown
Toxic people for all their flaws can be magnetic. They tend to pull you in and make you want to stay for awhile and if love is involved, it brings a whole new dimension with it.
“Love is 50% stupid and 50% brilliant. The challenge is figuring out which part of it you’re experiencing at any given moment.” Unknown
Once you’ve figured out that you’ve hitched your yoke to a toxic person and don’t know what to do, the following quote might just help.
You don’t ever have to feel guilty about Removing Toxic People From Your Life.
“It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance, you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” Unknown
Painful but short and sweet and perhaps this is the only language that ‘toxic’ people understand. Unfortunately.
“We explain when someone is cruel or acts like a bully, you do not stoop to their level. Our motto is when they go low, you go high.” Michelle Obama
I loved this quote but it does not always work.
Desmond Tutu said it better.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
Bullying is defined as, “behavior directed toward one or more individuals that is meant to insult, demean, or intimidate.” BetterHelp
We saw bullying of the highest order being played out on the world stage by the current occupant of the White House not too long ago. Bullying is and was his weapon to get what he wants. Playing “king” and telling the world how the game is played is his megaphone and he decided to “Huff, Puff and Blow the House Down!” like the Big Bad Wolf in the fable, “The Three Little Pigs.” The wolf did his damnedest but the third pig gave him a run for the money just like Canada is doing right now. Their motto is, “United We Stand, Divided We Fall,” and it seems to be working. Bullies may roar and act like they have the upper hand but when you stand up to them, they run off and hide. However, there are the diehards whose only goal in life is to bring someone down. There are different types of bullying. “Physical bullying is when bullies hurt their targets physically. Verbal bullying is taunting or teasing someone. Psychological bullying is gossiping about or excluding someone and Cyberbullying is when bullies use the internet and social media and say things they might not say in person.” (kidshealth.org)
I met my bully in elementary school. She was tiny, dirty-looking and her clothes were torn and tattered. I held out my hand with a smile and said “Hello.” The next thing I knew I was on the ground writhing in pain. She stood over me grinning as she stood shaking her fist at me, the same one that had caused such severe pain. She put the fear of the devil in me that day and it would go on for weeks to come.
Playing on the grassy slope became a nightmare situation, waiting for the schoolbus after school was more so and going to the bathroom more than a nightmare. I didn’t understand why she was picking on me only that I was no longer safe. I came up with all kinds of excuses to stay home but that didn’t work. A few weeks later I had enough. It was time to do something! She showed up as usual, a knowing smile plastered on her face but I was prepared this time. Just as she reached out to push me down the slope, I turned the table on her. I pushed as hard as I could and watched as she tumbled down the slope. As she stood up, I noticed blood dribbling down her chin and a front tooth was missing! She looked at me with disbelief but there was something more. The next day she showed up on that slope with new found respect on her face. I apologized and it was the start of an unlikely friendship. Her mom had passed away and she was left on her own most days. She also had to help with household chores and even do the cooking at times. A life so different from mine. I still had my childhood before me but hers was hanging in the balance. We remained friends until I moved away but I still think about her sometimes and wonder if she made it in life. I hope she did.
How do you deal with bullies?
Talk to someone about what is going on.
Ignore the bully and walk away.
Walk tall and hold your head high.
Stop being too nice!
Don’t get physical. This worked for me but not always.
Try to talk to the bully.
Practice confidence and fake it if you have to!
Bullies are everywhere as we saw not so long ago and they could come from the highest office in the land as well. It takes more than guts to stand up to a bully. Sometimes it takes cunning and inner strength to weather the storm as Canada is doing right now. Pick and choose your battle carefully, learn what it takes to stand up for your rights and hold your head up high. Confidence is a “bully” buster in more ways than one!
If I had to write a letter to my 100-year-old self, I would say you made it to the impossible! I didn’t think you would make it to such a grand old age and never wanted to but here you are and here goes…..
Dear Self,
First of all, you are looking good in spite of the wrinkles, the bald spot and the toothless grin! The outward appearance doesn’t signify the inside. There is tremendous wisdom within that years of living “life” has instilled. You are no longer afraid and fear has taken a back seat and in its place is a sense of peace, calm and joy. It took a long time getting there but you made it. I see a person who is frail but the frailty is just the appearance and doesn’t speak for the person within.
You lived a life filled with challenges and took each one as it came and mastered it or maybe not mastered it but you did the best you could with it. You never gave up and that my dear 100-year-old self speaks to who you are. You are strong, you are capable and like the tree in the storm you bent when you needed to and you swayed when you needed to but you never broke. If you did break at some point, you put yourself back together again and stood back up stronger and more beautiful than ever. Looking at you I don’t see what age has done to you but I see the beauty within, the strength within and a spirit that refuses to be broken even now.
Here’s to you, may you live a long and peaceful life and if it means another 100 added on than so be it. You can weather whatever comes your way.
If you’ve read my posts, I always end with, “Have an amazing day.” I truly mean that sentiment but a friend recently echoed it by saying, I’ll end this conversation with what you always say, “Have an amazing day.” It felt good to hear it from someone else’s lips and it sent joy gushing through my body. However, it also started my thought processes going. No surprise there, I am an overthinker!
What does it mean to have an amazing day? It’s a day free of worries, a day free of something weighing you down like an albatross around your neck, a day filled with sunshine and smiles but most of all I think it is a day where everything is possible and nothing is impossible.
I usually wake up wanting an amazing day in front of me but it doesn’t always work that way. Life steps in and sometimes things go downhill but that is alright too.
“You’re only human. You don’t have to have it together every minute of every day.” Anne Hathaway
I woke up this morning looking forward to a brand new day. A blank slate was staring me in the face and I could write whatever I wanted to on it. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Chachi, the cat, was purring softly in my ear. I AM GRATEFUL for all that makes up my life, the good, the bad and the ugly. Life is not always just about the good stuff. It would be boring if it was. It is a kaleidoscope of possibilities, new beginnings, letting go of things that have outlived their purpose and of embracing what is to come and the unknown is a part of that equation.
Today will be an “amazing day” and I wish you the same.
“Just in case…..no one has told you today. YOU are amazing! Have a really great day.” Unknown
My idea of paradise is open spaces, blue skies, mountains, forests and streams running through the whole shebang! It is beautiful, calming and at the same time mesmerizing.
Today is no different except spring is in the air and there is sunshine everywhere. It’s a great day for a walk and to let the imagination run wild. There is a herd of deer standing still at the top of the hill enjoying the warmth as I’m doing. I watch them and they watch me in return. A shrill squawk attracts my attention and looking skywards, I see a heron in flight. It is majestic as it glides effortlessly through time and space. Two more herons join the symphony in motion and the dance is graceful as they dip and take off again, weightless against an azure blue sky.
A movement down below attracts my attention and two rabbits take off into the bushes and disappear from sight. There is a different energy out here today. Nature is breathing life back into the fields and everything is waking up after a long winter’s sleep, energized and ready to go. The air is crisp but still a little cold. It is exhilariting.
The only problem, there are more people out and about and where once I was the only one paying homage to paradise, it is no longer mine alone. It too is a sign that spring is marching in and staying indoors is for the birds when you have “paradise” just a stone’s throw away!
Yesterday started out normal enough. I woke up early and it was still dark outside. The rooftops were glistening white so it much have been a cold night. Nothing unusual because the day warms up as it goes along. Just an inkling of things to come. Spring is on the way but it is taking its time.
My morning was going to be full with errands to run and one important appointment to take care off. It was definitely going to be hectic but I had my afternoon free and the “fields” were waiting for my visit. It will be a beautiful day to go walking and to see what it had in store for me.
After breakfast and a shower later, I had to pick an outfit to wear. The errands are easy enough to do in jeans or in sweats but not for the important meeting. Dressed nicely for a change, I pulled my long hair into a chignon and held it in place with a clip and I was ready to go.
The sun was making a showing by now and a promise of a beautiful day was right in front of me. Feeling happy for a change I headed into town. I got the errands done in record time and then it was time to make it to his office. The secretary got up to show me to his office but he walked into the reception area, greeted me with a smile and led me to the inner sanctum. It was what he said next that threw me for a loop!
HIM: “I swear I’ve seen you before.”
ME: “Where?”
HIM: “I don’t know but I’ve seen you,” with a puzzled look on his face.
I decided to be flippant.
ME: I’m sure you saw me with my hair down?”
HIM: Maybe, but I’ve seen you before.”
The meeting started and five minutes in, he said again:
HIM: “I don’t know why but I feel like I know you. We know each other.”
Wow! I know I’ve never met him before. Was this a pick-up line of the weird kind? I’ve had weird before. I met this guy at the university way back when and during our first meeting he said, “We were husband and wife in a past life!” So this here was tame compared to the past life variety. Anyway, after the meeting I stood up and he came around the table, took my hand in his and said:
“It was nice meeting you but I swear I know you.”
His hand felt warmer than usual or was that just my imagination?!!
It was strange to say the least and I walked out of there wondering what just took place. Was destiny working its magic again or was it something else altogether. I will be bringing him some papers on Thursday and we’ll see how it goes. What’s that saying? Life happens when you’re not looking.
An ordinary day turned into a not so ordinary one.
Failure has many facets but when it happens as it inevitably does, it is not seen as the stepping stone to success at a later point in time. In my case, I see it as the unwanted monster that has come to throw hot water or as a form of destruction on my path to success.
Rarely do I accept it for what it is, just a hiccup in the grand scheme of things. It too is part and parcel of our daily existence and a learning curve that needs to be mastered. There has been many instances where I met “failure” in one form or another and I crumbled at first. However, it did set me up for future successes.
I told my son yesterday that if he doesn’t get the job, it is not the end of the world. He is learning to fly on his own and landing the job of his dreams or just a job is at the center of his world right now. The guy is doing fine but learning to accept failure or rather that rejections are part of the job seeking process is another thing altogether for someone who is just venturing out into the job market. I know he will master that process as well as he has done with all the other things that has come his way and will come his way in the future.
Failure as I see it these days, after having fallen flat on my face many times over, is not the monster it seems to be. It has taught me to be resilient, to find other ways of achieving what I want to do and it has made me stronger in a lot of ways. Most of all, I no longer fall on my knees when it visits. I take a step back, look at the options and move on from there. Easier said than done I know.
Daily writing prompt
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
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