Tag: life

Change

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.

It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction.

It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked, and understood. But it doesn’t matter. Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward.

And instead of liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.” Brianna West

Change is never-ending. It is scary but it brings you one step closer to who or what you want to be. It moves you out of your comfort zone and at times it will feel like you are being thrown into the deep end of the pool, sink or swim is your choice. I hope you swim.

Looking back at my life and the things that have held me back, I realize much of it was tied in with stupidity and emotions I could have done without. I could have learned the lessons in a shorter period of time instead of dragging it on but I didn’t.

This thing called love could have been easier on me. I could have made it easier but I wasn’t strong enough. I was in a vulnerable state and it seemed to attract the wrong types because vulnerability is often an invitation which says, “Here I am, come break me!” I should have walked when I saw that it was a foregone conclusion and my holding on would not change the outcome. It never did. I will do better I promise myself. I will let go when I see the truth staring me in the face and walk away with my dignity intact and with my heart back in my chest. I will let go before it drags me down to where I often find myself, right down at ground zero but the changes took a long time coming.

I am stronger today than I was yesterday. My heart still speaks the language of love but it no longer speaks stupid. This journey I am on has changed me. The weak or vulnerable one has been replaced with one who is confident, capable and someone who knows who she is and what she wants out of life. Something inside me screams, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Scary? Well, if you’re the type of man I am accustomed to, then you should be. I am looking to be loved but with eyes open this time. Working on myself is a mindful and daily affair and when I finally step out of my comfort zone, the journey will be complete but change is a lifelong journey and it will be a never-ending one. I can handle it I tell myself because I am no longer who I used to be. 

“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” James Keller

Yesterday

Someone once said, you are NOT yesterday. True but the stories we tell ourselves, the narratives that we trap ourselves in sometimes tell us that we are. Yesterday does carry some weight because it helps to define who we are today. The memories of yesterday can mold or break us, it can teach us not to do the same things over and over again and more often than not, it gives us the strength to carry on. The truth of the matter is that we cannot rewrite history and we cannot go back and change the outcome of a story that happened and is now done with. Yesterday is just that, it was and is a part of our past and except for the revisits from time to time of well-kept memories, it is nothing more than that. It is a story that is finished, it has taken its final bow or curtain call and so must we by letting it go.

This is what I tell myself on the journey I am on. I can’t keep carrying yesterday on my back or like an albatross around my neck. The load is heavy and it makes me want to stop, turn around and run back to what was familiar even if that familiarity has the power to hurt like hell. The unknown before me is terrifying and anything is better than this right? What’s before is shrouded in fog, it is dark and foreboding and forging through it takes superhuman effort but the small negative voice within me which at times roars like a waterfall tells me that I can’t do it! Take small steps, one step at a time, you don’t have to know everything, just trust and you will get there says this other shaky voice but there are no other options, moving forward is where I need to go. 

Sometimes it is the boundaries we place around ourselves that trap us, that tell us that the imaginary world we live in is so much better than what is waiting out there. Sure it was painful but there was greatness too. It was filled with things I knew and cherished, in one word, it is irreplaceable. The stories we tell ourselves are the fences we place around us. Was yesterday that great? Did we embellish it like a Christmas tree to make it sparkle and shine when the reality is a different story? Do the stories we tell ourselves distort reality and yet it is the truth as we see it or is it because we want to see it that way? 

Harold R. Johnson said, “We are all story. We are the stories we are told and we are the stories we tell ourselves. To change our circumstances, we need to change our story: edit it, modify it, or completely rewrite it.”

I don’t want to completely rewrite my past. I want to take the good parts with me, the bad parts I want to thank for teaching me lessons I would not have learned otherwise and the pain? Well, I want to leave that behind where it belongs. Enough tears have been shed, enough wishing that it could have been different has not made it less so and closing the door behind me and moving on is the way to go. The next chapter is waiting and yesterday is done with. 

“Forget yesterday – it has already forgotten you. Don’t sweat tomorrow – you haven’t even met. Instead, open your eyes and heart to a truly precious gift – today.” Steve Maraboli

Here’s to yesterday. You taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn but had to accept. You gave me memories I will forever treasure. You made me who I am today and for that I will forever be thankful.

Today is a blank slate.

Finding Love

Love is elusive, it has been said. It is hard to pin down said another. Sometimes it hides in plain sight but it is the one thing that we can’t live without says the heart. Sure, we can pretend that it doesn’t matter if we have love or not and convince ourselves that it is absolutely alright but in those moments when all is quiet and looking up at the night sky lit up with a million stars that is when your heart reminds you that there is more to life than standing here all alone surrounded by such beauty.  It is at these moments that your heart yearns for something more, someone to hold, someone to share hugs and kisses with and that one special someone who will finally complete you.

“It’s impossible,” said pride.

“It’s risky,” said experience.

“It’s pointless,” said reason.

“Give it a try,” whispered the heart. Unknown.

Giving it a try is easy. Taking the risk, we’ve all tried that. Impossible and pointless? I don’t know about that but I’m on the search for love, true love. Not the “whishy washy” variety that disguises itself as love but in reality is far from it. This kind of love has the potential to break your heart in two or more pieces if given the chance but I’m looking for the type that can weather any storm. However, I have the tendency to jump in with both feet where love is concerned but I am learning as I go along. The solution could be that we need to stop doing this.

“Stop planting flowers in peoples yards who aren’t going to water them.” Hylyrikz.com

How many times have we done that? Plenty? I know I’ve done that many times knowing full well that I was stepping on dangerous ground. Yet, I kept on doing it saying, “It has potential, it could be what I’ve been looking for.” And what is that?” you might ask. Is it someone who treats you like you are ordinary? You deserve much more and I deserve much more than that. Ordinary is not my thing, has never been and will never be my thing. If someone you love treats you as “ordinary” it is time to move on and look for that someone who shows you that you are “extraordinary.”

“If he misses you, he’ll call.

If he wants you, he’ll say it.

If he cares, he’ll show it.

And if not, he can’t be worth your time.” Unknown.

This quote says it all. The journey to finding love is hard enough but if you have someone who doesn’t show you all of the above, it is time to move on. Love is not about you chasing someone with no reciprocation in return. It is the meeting of minds and of hearts but it is so much more. The caring will show if the love is there.  Pay attention to what is shown because it will show you the reality of the situation. Which brings me to the last part.

“Never apologize for trusting your intuition – your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.” Rachel Wolchin

Listen to your gut, we’ve heard that often enough right? How often have we turned our backs on it? I know I have more times than I can count on the fingers of one hand. It was my way of turning a blind eye when the truth was staring me in the face. I walked down paths I should not have and at times the pain was unbearable but I had only myself to blame. Pay attention to that gut feeling, it only has your best interest at heart.

The path I am on is scary, the unknown always is but armed with what I have learned from 2023, I am confident that I am headed in the right direction. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, take a couple of deep breaths and keep on moving. If I stumble along the way and fall which I know I will, it is alright, I will gather up yet another lesson learned and keep moving to the finish line. The end goal is finding love, the kind that will last a lifetime not just for the here and now. When I do find that elusive someone it will not be about completing me but more about adding to who I am and making me feel absolutely extraordinary!

There is hope.

TRUST

A series on Getting Back on Track

“There are two reasons why we don’t trust people. 

First – we don’t know them.

Second – we know them. Unknown

The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? So today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”

Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it. 

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann

It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”

Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it only took seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.

As I round a bend in the path I am taking today all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere. ”Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown

I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling if you will that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” infront of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.

Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, “Even if I had caught you in the act, you would jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown

Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack. ”I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown. If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.

The sun is starting to peek out and today, well today is going to be an amazing day.

I am moving on……

When Life Was Simple

A Series on Getting Back on Track

“Things to Remember”

Eat regularly (and well)

Get enough sleep

Sometimes being a bitch is necessary

Stop talking and listen

Don’t take anyone’s shit

Things WILL get better

If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life – they don’t deserve to be there.

It only ends once, everything else is just progress.

A good cup of tea can solve just about anything.

Stick to your guns.

Impromptu solo dance parties are good for your health.

Spend time with the people who matter the most.

I remember a time when life was simple. Having my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground was a daily and joyous norm for me. Twirling on my toes, watching clouds go by on my back and chasing rainbows and dreams was what life was about way back when I was young and life was simple.

Splashing in duck puddles on a rainy day with only the ducks for company was absolute heaven. Covered in mud from head to toe and looking like a gypsy was a badge I wore with pride. Talking to unseen beings who only existed in my mind didn’t matter because it made life simple.

Chasing rainbow colored fish in a dirty stream made it the absolute highlight of my day and when I had a few wriggling in my hands with the sunlight reflecting off their multi-hued bodies made it even more so. Boys….hmm….boys were of no importance except as buddies. They did not have the power to touch my heart but that was way back when things were simple and I had wings.

Dancing in the rain, jumping over puddles of water and squealing with laughter meant I was one with nature. Anger, hurt and pain were unknown in a life where nothing mattered except for the magic I created within myself. Joy was an everyday occurrence but it became a thing of the past. It was way back when things were simple. I am a grown-up now.

Adulthood is defined as or means that, “they are an adult or that they behave in a responsible way.”

Someone asked me not too long ago why I couldn’t behave the same way. The answer is simple. Grown-ups or adults behave in a specific way. Propriety demands that I “conform to what is socially acceptable in conduct or speech.”

Going back to the quote I started out with, I will choose a few I can live with.

“Sometimes being a bitch is necessary.” This is an alien concept to me as being a “bitch” is way beyond my grasp of being a good person. Lately, I am learning that it is a necessary step to where I want to get to in my journey of life. A bitch is applied to a woman and defined as “someone, who is belligerent, unreasonable, malicious, controlling, aggressive or dominant.” Perhaps I need to apply this concept on my way to arriving at my end goal. Life is not that simple anymore.

“If someone can’t make the effort to be in your life – they don’t deserve to be there.” This is a hard one. Where once “men” were of no consequence, growing up means learning to deal with this species. If you thought women were difficult to comprehend, try dealing with this group! The end point is, if they can’t be bothered to be in your life and every effort is just lukewarm or worse cold then it is time to put your “bitch” shoes on and move on. Life is too short and neither is it just in black and white. It is complicated enough as it is and perhaps we make it more complicated. It boils down to, if you can’t make an effort, it is time for you to go.

Last but not least, “Spend time with people who matter most.” These are people who show up when times are tough. The ones who are not just “fair weather friends” but who are there without being asked. Get rid of the liars, the ones who have lying built into their DNA, this is a necessary step in making your life simple again. Liars are not worthy of your time and space because they say one thing and behave as if you don’t matter.  Walk and don’t look back!

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Hans Hofmann

Looks easy enough doesn’t it but believe me it is not. You can get back to the basics. You can still dance in the rain, imagine yourself splashing in puddles and envision yourself in a much simpler time and place. Truth is it takes imagination, hard work, determination and courage to get back to that place of simplicity. Complicated is just in your mind.

Aging Gracefully

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl

I hate getting old, that is the mantra that runs through my mind nowadays. I never gave the aging process much thought but recently it is there and refuses to leave centerstage. I am not at that stage yet where my bones creak or turning or moving a certain way tells me that I need to be gentle with myself. I do know, however, that time is moving faster than I want it to and that my friends makes me want to challenge the situation. 

I have had this love affair with keeping fit. It started when I was 18 and it has kept up with me to the present. Breathing in the fresh air as I do a fast paced walk with only the forest and mountains for company is my definition of a good time. Nothing invigorates like a trek in the outdoors. Time is not of an essence here, it is relegated to where it belongs, just out of reach until I give it permission to return again or the next time I take a look in the mirror and I see that the reflection staring back at me is no longer the person I used to know. I say to myself, “I was beautiful once, who is this stranger staring back at me? I vaguely remember her.” Yet I know that I am my worst critic. My hair is still long, dark and silky, my skin unlined but that one tiny crease on my forehead seems to scream, “Watch out, more is on the way!” Time changes things and aging does the rest but if you put enough effort into stopping Father Time, maybe just maybe this inevitable journey will take a breather and give you enough of a respite from what aging does to a person.

Cindy McDonal once said, “Aging is not an option, not for anyone. It is how gracefully we handle the process and how lucky we are, as the process handles us.”

Perhaps there is some truth to that but does luck have anything to do with it? How about this quote, Eleanor Roosevelt’s wondrous interpretation of aging, “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” Hmm….this one makes me want to jump up and yell Hallelujah! Finally someone who understands what it is all about but really….works of art? Really? Whatever aging is, it is a preoccupation with the inevitable. You can stave off the wrinkles with potions and creams that promise much but deliver little as “age” marches on with a smug smile on its face. Going down south is a journey that can’t be stopped because sooner or later we are all faced with it whether we want to or not. So what’s left? 

I choose to wake up with a beautiful smile on my face, stretch and take a couple of deep breaths to oxygenate those oxygen deprived cells, put on my sports shoes and get out there to walk, march or jog to get my tired and sometimes lethargic muscles moving. Later I follow up with half an hour of weight training and then meditate for all I’m worth! There is something about stopping the incessant chatter and clutter of your mind by staring into the dark abyss between your brows. It does stop time for a little while. Permanency is persona non grata here. It is as fleeting as a butterfly and after all is said and done, you’ll still have to ward off the signs as gracefully as you can and that is a conundrum in itself.

Perhaps this quote makes it just a tad easier to bear.

“Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived!”

Prolific but if that doesn’t work, try this one on for size.

“Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it…”

It has been said that “time stops for no man” and neither does it for a woman. The marching of time with booted feet will drone on as it leaves its signs of aging behind but like with everything else in life, it’s how you choose to approach it that counts. The light within, that little spark of light that flickers with uncertaintly over the daunting task of accepting this next phase in life will seem too delicate to take on the inevitable at first. The slowing down of a body that no longer has the power of a spring chicken to jump, dance and twirl with no regard for the emphasis it places on the hardening muscles will be a thing of the past. Slowing down will become your key word and for some of us, the challenge will be in how to sparkle with renewed vitality, how to make the wrinkles less important, the laugh lines a little less visible and the going down south syndrome more bearable. In the end and according to the Viktor Frankl quote in the beginning, when you can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Perhaps therein lies the whole crux of the matter.