relationships – Page 5

Letting Go vs. Letting Go

There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.

“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown

The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.

“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale

There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.

“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown

The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.

“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown

That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost impossible thing to do.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey

Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.

LET GO & JUST LET IT BE.

Have an amazing day.

MONSTERS!

I’ve talked about the monsters that walk amongst us, the kind who show up when you least expect it or when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time and the ones who don’t think twice about taking a life without so much as giving a thought to what they are doing. I’ve written about them in my posts and these “monsters” exist and there are plenty more out there than you think.

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” Stephen King

The kind of “monsters” I want to talk about is more of the subtle kind but just as destructive. They don’t take a toll on you physically but they do more than enough to destroy you mentally and emotionally. They live within us and only show up when life takes us in a certain direction and we find ourselves unable to control or understand what is happening.

“Everyone carries around his own monsters.” Richard Pryor

Monsters are often seen as powerful creatures with the ability to wreck havoc and sometimes those powerful and overwhelming emotions can feel that way too. Fear and anger can make us feel unsafe or out of control. The unknown can feel like a “monster” at times and when you harbor “emotional monsters” the kind that take you on roller coaster rides, you are facing monsters of another kind but just as scary and powerful nonetheless.

How do you overcome emotional monsters?

One source says that in order to overcome these so called monsters, you have to identify and label your emotions to better manage them.

Allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than block them out. Emotions are a part of life and provide signals that something needs attention. Take them seriously.

Journaling helps you to gain clarity and to process your emotions.

Deep breathing helps to calm the nervous system.

This next one is definitely worth a try. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I guess after going through that roll call, the “monsters” will either take a hike or disappear altogether!

The last tip is to practice mindfulness. It helps to bring awareness and it also helps to control your mind and emotions. I find that staying in the here and now helps me to do exactly that.

“The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.” Edgar Allan Poe

True, but “monsters” can be tamed if we take control of our minds and show them the door each time they show up. If you keep doing it often enough, they might just stay away. One can only hope.

Have an amazing day.

SINGLEDOM (Archives)

Photo by Agung Pandit Wiguna on Pexels.com

Being “single” is cringeworthy to some, unbelievable to others, unbearable to those who think “single” is a bad word and a “no go” in today’s society of settling for anything even if it means you are with the wrong person just so long as you have someone to boost your image.

Single is defined as “the state of being unmarried or not involved in a long-term relationship.”

I’m both right now but I have to say it’s working out for me. I love spending time by myself and I’m learning that I like who I am. All the clutter that clouds my mind in a relationship is gone and for a change there is peace and clarity within.

“You’re single not because you are not good enough for one, it’s that you’re too good for the wrong one.” Chris Burkmein

Sometimes we make the wrong choices and wind up in relationships that are not good for us. Taking the time as I am doing to find out why I keep falling for the wrong types is a necessary move on my part. Making a promise to do better the next time around is an integral part of the journey I’m on. It’s a journey of self-discovery and I’m not rushing things. I’m taking my time going within to weed out all the destructive bits that lead me on the self-same journey over and over again.

“It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.” Unknown

Settling is not my thing and never has been and I’m stubborn to a fault. Put the two together and you have someone who may never find the right one and “single” is in her cards forever! However, I’m not giving up hope. Working on myself is a priority this year and when and if the “new” someone shows up, I hope I’ll be ready to lower the banner I have around my heart which says, “Do Not Disturb, Work in Progress!“

It has been said:

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” Parade

AND

“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well.

Like…..It’s working out.

I think I’m the one.”

Unknown

All jokes aside, being “single” is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means you are taking time out for yourself, learning who you are, loving yourself, working on your self-worth and when the time is right, you’ll get your wings and you’ll learn to fly with the right person.

“Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Disrespect (Archives)

It is defined as “insulting someone or displaying rude behavior by showing a lack of respect.”

Have you experienced it? I have and it is not a nice thing when faced with such behavior. There are three forms of disrespect. These are known as the passive, subtle and the blatant variety.

Passive disrespect is when someone is condescending, makes insulting insinuations, gives you the silent treatment, is sarcastic and doesn’t care if it is hurtful or not. How do you deal with this kind of disrespect?

Don’t take the bait and address the issue immediately.

Subtle disrespect is when someone mocks you, when they talk behind your back and they will pretend to have forgotten things you agreed on.

Show that it doesn’t affect you or decide if you want to engage. Name the disrespectful behavior you have observed and call them out on it. Have a conversation about it but do not lecture.

Blatant disrespect is the no holds barred variety. They go out of their way to deliberately undermine or demean you. Their actions are obvious and they don’t give a hoot if it hurts you.

Here again stay calm but it is hard to do. Use “I” statements when addressing the issue and ask for clarification. You can react with kindness but since that is almost impossible to do, call the person out on his or her behavior and set boundaries as to what you will or won’t tolerate.

If all else fails, you have the option of walking away and closing the door behind you. No one should put up with disrespect. Disrespect basically says, “You are not important and your feelings don’t matter to me.” The truth is, you are important and your feelings do matter. Do not tolerate disrespect of any kind.

Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter:

“The best way to end disrespect is by not giving them a chance to do it again.” Unknown

“Disrespect is the weapon of the weak.” Alice Miller

“Wasting somebody’s time may be the highest form of disrespect.” Unknown

I like the next one a lot.

“Never let your heart be so forgiving that it gets comfortable with disrespect.” Unknown

“Don’t put up with disrespect just to keep them in your life.” Sonya Parker

“Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.” Unknown

This last one needs a plaque of its own!

Detox Your Life in 4 Easy Steps

Eliminate anyone who:

Lies to you

Disrespects you

Uses you or

Puts you down.

Have an amazing day.

Mr. Right!

I met up with my girlfriend yesterday. It was our usual weekly meeting to catch up on stuff and to let the conversation take us to where it wants to go. Two cups of coffee and a simple breakfast of eggs, a bread roll and a side salad usually accompanies the meeting.

Yesterday was no different. It started out with small talk and then it did a major U-Turn! The conversation went to men and in particular about Mr. Right. Don’t ask me why but it just did.

“Very few women wait for Mr. Right. Most women take the first and worst Mr. Wrong.” Elfriede Jelinek

Ring any bells? It does with me. Anyway, she was on this path of destruction. According to her, Mr. Right does not exist. I’ll add that’s because in her world, she’s into fun and nothing more. Mr. Right can stay in Africa for all she cares!

I was hanging onto my ideals for dear life. Fun is the last thing on my mind and getting anywhere is next to impossible. She decided to give me a lesson on how to find Mr. Right. Chachi, the cat, tried yesterday but he didn’t get anywhere but I didn’t tell her that.

HER: “You’re doing it all wrong. If you don’t give an inch, you’ll never find him!

ME: “It doesn’t work that way with me.”

HER: “Sure it can. Live a little or rather take that “stick” and send it packing!”

ME: “Can’t. It’s my constant companion.”

HER: “You see what the problem is don’t you? Men like some fun and you’re NO FUN!”

Okay guys, you get the drift. I wanted to point out to her that her method doesn’t work either. She’s always moaning about how the men she dates are the “here today and gone tomorrow,” variety. I wanted to tell her why but decided to keep it to myself. It goes on the lines of, “easy come, easy go.” She was on a rant fest and I let her have her way.

Friends are allowed to rant now and then. I’m allowed to let it go in one ear and out the other. It is exactly what I did. Coming back to Mr. Right, experts say, “the focus should be on building a fulfilling relationship with the person you are with.” Finding the right fit is important and someone who matches your lifestyle is also important. They don’t have to be perfect and imperfections are allowed as well.

“Find a heart that loves you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest.” Unknown

AND

“When you stop trying to find the right man and start becoming the right woman, the right man will eventually find his way to you.”

Something to bear in mind and as for Chachi and my girlfriend, I do things my way. Unfortunately, you become “dangerous” after being on the path of self-discovery because the wrong ones tend to disappear and the right ones? Well, it will take a little time before they start appearing. One can only hope!

Have an amazing day.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT (Archives)

Quite often, we let the people we interact with on a daily basis, the world around us with its idiosyncrasies and events that happen to us interpret how we feel, how we react and how much worth we give it and if we are important or not in the grand scheme of things. I am guilty as charged.

The Dalai Lama said it best, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”

Yet we do it time and time again. Just yesterday, a girlfriend broke up with her so called boyfriend. He was for all purposes a NO-GO as far as I am concerned and it was clear for all to see including her but she is in a difficult place nonetheless. Finding out she was “not important” is a devastating cross to bear even if she saw it coming. Yet, this is nothing new. We hand over how important we are in a relationship to the other person and forget in the process that YOU as a person matter and you define how important you are and what you will stand for and what you won’t put up with.

“When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies and no broken promises.” Unknown

Relationships are hard enough as it is to navigate without having to deal with the “invisible man,” meaning the guy who says he loves you but when it comes down to showing you that you are important, he shows time and again that YOU are an afterthought and as far as the importance scale goes you are on the bottom rung of the ladder. No guessing game needed here. You will know and it is up to you to put yourself front and center and say, enough is enough!

“You are important and you matter.

Your voice matters.

Your life matters.

Your feelings matter.

Your story matters.

ALWAYS.” Unknown

Let me add to that. You as a person matters and don’t take yourself for granted either.

One Day It Just Clicks

“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself.

You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile.

You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Steve Maraboli

Finally,

“Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher.” Unknown

You are well worth the effort and don’t let someone show you otherwise. Your worth is determined by you so stand tall and show the world that YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (4)

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We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.

Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.

He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.

We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.

He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.

Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”

I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.

This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.

Emotional Deja Vu

It is described as, “a feeling of intense familiarity and strong emotions associated with a new experience.” Even though the experience is a new one, the “been there, done that” feeling creeps in and it can bring either dread or joy.

I think we’ve all been there, at some point in our lives, finding ourselves on the same rollercoaster ride time and time again. The same bad experiences keep popping up and no matter how hard we try, we come back to Square 1 before we take off again, back on that rollercoaster with another person who just happens to be the same type you left behind but in a different body!

Have you asked yourself why?

One source says it’s because those “old wounds” haven’t healed and you’re carrying them around like an albatross around your neck. It could be coming from an old relationship that didn’t work out, some trauma that happened along the way which showed you that you are not enough or it could go all the way back to your childhood where you learned that you have to perform and work for everything including relationships.

You make yourself small to fit in. You put up with disrespect. You make do with the blatant lies hoping he’ll change but he never does. You accept crumbs when you should have the whole feast!

You need to stop attracting and accepting low-value men. They are the ones who don’t think twice about cheating on you because they know that whatever they do, you’ll go along for the ride. You will try harder because in your book, love is about conforming to what is asked of you not of being accepted on equal terms. You hang on their every word like a puppy dog and you wait for their validation which never comes. You eat up everything they feed you including the BS! You’re willing to give their “ego” an additional boost by placing a halo on their head, one you’ve decided they deserve. Why? It’s because you find yourself lacking in one way or another. And so the cycle continues.

High-value men do not play games and they are not EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED either! They know how to treat a woman right and they are willing to meet you halfway with love, respect and common decency.

How do you break this pattern of attracting what you are used to and the one your heart knows well?

Break the programming! Something in your past has tattooed this message into your being. “I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve better!” You seek what is familiar to you, the hurts, the pain, the knowing, the red flags. You take it all in and are even comfortable with them. It is what you know best. If you don’t break this cycle, it is emotional deja vu over and over again.

Work on knowing the patterns that get you there. Take time out to find out what you want and be honest about it. Know that you’ll feel lonely having to walk it alone for a while. It is needed.

Remember this:

“You’re a first place girl…..not a “just incase girl!”

AND

“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!”

SO HERE YOU GO!

Know who you are, know your self-worth, don’t settle for anything less and in time those rollercoaster rides will fizzle out. The one who’s meant for you will find you, this time to stay because YOU know exactly what you want and you are no longer settling for anything less than that!

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (3)

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We know that love is elusive. We also know that it morphs and changes shape and just when you think you’ve found the one and only, it goes and shows you something different.

If you’ve got both feet firmly planted in the dating scene, you’re bound to meet one of the following types who give love a bad name sooner than later.

The Egoist

This guy is full of himself. Good looks are his calling card and he thinks the world revolves around him or rather he has women swooning at his feet. Well, the truth is they are at his beck and call because in a world where looks matter, he’s all the rage. However, peel away the outer layer and you’ll find more often than not that he’s sorely lacking in a couple of very important aspects. Sometimes looks disguise what is not there. If you’re a smart woman, it takes but a couple of dates to find out that the man of your dreams has an empty shell. If you’re looking for intelligent conversation and looking to hang on to his every word, THIS GUY IS NOT IT! Move on.

Mr. Trigger-Happy

This type may seem to have it all at first glance but that is where it ends. Give him a little time and some rope and he’ll gladly hang himself! All it takes with this dude to show his true self is to have a normal conversation, well what others might call normal but with this guy it’s like playing the Russian roulette. You’ll never know what rubbed him up the wrong way because everything does! He’s just waiting to unload all the years of repressed anger he’s held back and BOOM he’s off and running. Mostly not in your direction because he’s looking for someone to blame for all his problems. Love is the last thing on his mind. RUN and don’t look back!

The Conundrum

This guy is a headache and a half. He walks in like a hurricane, falls like a ton of bricks and is talking the “M” word before the first date is over! You’ll be wondering what hit you! Certainly not love but a corrupted form of something else. He’ll look into your eyes and ask, “Why don’t I see sparkles in them?” Or he’ll want to stick to you like glue and you can only take a breath until he does! If you’re looking for the nice, easy, relaxing type of love, it’s not with him. It’ll only get worse so move on and keep on walking and don’t look back!

Mr. Past & Present

Okay, this is one to watch out for. He has one foot firmly planted in the past. I mean it is cemented to the past. However, he is looking to connect with someone in the present. You’ll find he is either hung up on his dead wife, a past love or just about anything in the PAST as an excuse as to why he can’t fall in love again but if it comes to doing everything else he is willing and ready. Bring up the “M” word and he’s off and running. Scary? It is. Tread carefully because his true self doesn’t show up until you’re fully in and just when you think things are going great and there’s a future, he’ll pull the rug from under your feet. You’ll be left asking, what happened? It’s not you, it’s him. Move with caution or better still RUN!

This thing called love is impossible at times and at other times, it takes a lot of work to land what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, you’ll have to fall a few times, pick yourself back up, kiss more than a few frogs, dance the Tango with those I mentioned above, and when the clock strikes 12, be thankful that you survived to live another day.

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

With that in mind, proceed with caution and always with your eyes wide open and tell your heart to sit this one out until you’ve got it down pat. Getting it down to a science is next to impossible but arming yourself with the knowledge to outplay some of the no good types out there is a must!

Have an amazing day.

Mandy Hale Quotes

The lady speaks to struggles that women face, but more importantly she speaks to the heart of the matter. Her quotes reach deep and it also teaches us how to overcome adversity and to get to a better place in life. Here are some of her most beautiful and heartwarming quotes.

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

I’m my own person now and validation from a man or anyone for that matter is a thing of the past.

“Without standards you’ll settle for anything. Rise up and become what you hope to attract.”

This one is so important. Set your boundaries before you go out looking is the message.

“The most important day is the day you decide you’re good enough for you. It’s the day you set yourself free.”

Absolutely

“Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you.”

I’m learning to do exactly that.

“If you carry the bricks from your last relationship, you’ll end up building the same house.”

Been there, done there and trying to rectify that.

“She’s a lot.

You’re right….I’m a lot. With a lot of layers, a lot of personality. A lot of dreams, a lot of ideas. A lot of strategies, a lot of emotions. A lot of love.

So yeah, I am a lot.”

“If you don’t see your own worth, you’ll always choose people who don’t see it either.”

Know that you’re more than good enough. This way if he shows you that you are not enough, you can show him the door right away!

“Realize that if a door closed, it’s because what was behind it wasn’t meant for you.”

Hard and painful to grasp but it is the truth.

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.

You are allowed to outgrow people. This includes past versions of yourself.”

Absolutely.

This last one speaks to every woman who has struggled to find herself.

And I would find myself again. Not the same version of me that I was looking for, but a stronger version. A wiser version…A woman who had been tried in the fire but instead of being burned by it, came out gold.

A woman who finally after doubting and questioning and striving and hustling for her worth for years….came to the realization that she was and is and has always been…

ENOUGH

MORE THAN ENOUGH!