It was an early morning walk. The days are getting warmer and walking later in the mornings is getting uncomfortable. I am not a fan of hot weather so a friend suggested I should try walking when the dewdrops are still on the ground. I took his advice.
The fields looked different as I approached it today. They were wearing a gleeful look, the rapeseed plants were in full bloom and mesmerizing fields of gold greeted my eyes as I stepped onto familiar ground. I was dwarfed by the long stalks of gold on both sides as I took my steps feeling a little out of place somehow. Since I have a mild case of claustrophobia, the uneasiness grew as I ventured further in. Suddenly I decided to cut it short as my mind started playing havoc and started coming up with horror scenarios! It was doing one better than Stephen King but only this time instead of cornfields I was caught in a maze of gold!
It was time to make my way home, however, there was no denying the beauty surrounding me. The bright yellow showcased against a bright blue sky was gorgeous and picture postcard perfect but the quiet was all-consuming. Something was off but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Perhaps, I’ve been watching too many horror movies, the kind where nature hides the paranormal!
Time to head back, sit down to a nice hot cup of coffee and meditate to quiet the uneasiness running through me. Intuition is a good thing and it only has your best interest at heart so pay attention when it screams danger or as in my case, it could have just been my overactive mind doing hoops to get attention!. It did.
Nothing much has changed, if anything he has grown on me like a barnacle on a rock! The little bundle of fur is a part of my life and he’s there from the minute I wake up to the time I go to bed. Kisses and hugs are plenty and so are his complaints but he knows and I know that we wouldn’t want to change a thing!
Albert Schweizer said:
“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.”
He didn’t know at the time just how much truth there is in that one little phrase. My little furry friend walked into my life in the arms of my then boyfriend, in the form of a British short-haired variety and disguised as a birthday gift. Our eyes locked and he meowed his dissatisfaction at being forced to leave everything he knew behind, more specifically the safe haven of his mother’s embrace. He stretched his long neck towards me peering suspiciously at the human before him. I reached out and rubbed one hand over his tiny head and the purring that followed had me hooked from day one.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him watching me, his big dark eyes trained in my direction. ”What’s my next move to get her out of bed?” he seems to say. He has tried everything from his reservoir of cat arsenal and it hasn’t worked. Jumping on the bed hasn’t worked. Purring in one ear hasn’t worked. Rubbing his face against mine hasn’t worked and running one paw through my hair hasn’t worked either. ”This human is beyond my comprehension!” he meows and not too softly as he sits waiting and not too patiently!
Nothing new here. Our signals are often crossed but one thing is for sure, we love each other and there are no ifs or buts about it.
He’s been there through the thick and thin of life and everything in between. When I lost my friend the same one who had brought this tiny bundle of joy into my life, he was there to tamper the pain and make it lighter. I remember crying into his fur and holding him close. He took it like a champ even though I had soaked his fur with tears that were running down my face. He was there when I had something to laugh about. He would sit staring out the kitchen window as I moved around explaining what had happened to put that smile on my face and he would look back with that, “I’m happy for you” look or at times he would look at me with that, “I don’t know what you are droning on about but it is alright.” Talking to him has become a daily occurrence and we have an understanding of sorts. He has his world and I have mine but the love we share is of the non-negotiable type. It is there to stay and I can’t see my world without him.
Today as I roll out of bed and head on downstairs to make my first cup of coffee, he takes his spot by the kitchen window staring out at the world before him. At times, he will hear me humming and at times he will hear me whisper his name as I plant a soft kiss on his head and whisper, “I love you.” Everything is right in his world and in mine because his presence in my life is a Godsent and if there is a love never-ending, then this is it.
His name is Chachi and he is my love of a different kind.
“I have felt cats rubbing their faces against mine and touching my cheek with claws carefully sheathed. These things, to me, are expressions of love.” James Herriot
I’m not a risk-taker and I’m cautious to boot which is not good for risk taking. I have one friend who takes risks gleefully, it is what makes her life worth living, the unknown is fun for her. I, on the other hand, look at everything twice, dissect the situation to bits, and even then I step back and say no way am I doing that! Still it finds me, the aftermath of risk taking that is and not of the good variety either.
One situation comes to mind. I was in Asia and it was late at night, close to midnight I think. Someone told me that there was an easier way of getting back to where I needed to go and instead of taking a taxi, I decided to take a bus. They didn’t tell me that it would involve standing alone at a bus stop in front of a cemetery! It was dark, there was no traffic going up and down the road and it was spooky! I could hear movement behind me and I could feel the hair standing up on the back of my neck. Luckily the bus came and I got on with no problems. Was there something out there in the darkness? More specifically was it human or other-worldly? I’ll never know and I don’t want to know!
It was a risk I took and I learned my lesson to never do it again! I think that I have a good head on my shoulders and I look carefully before I jump and I have taken that proverb to heart and will continue to do so in all aspects of my life. Call it boring or whatever but it works to keep me out of trouble.
Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
One decision I made in the past that has helped me to learn and to grow is to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working. Holding on is human nature and letting go is too but I tend to hold on longer than it is necessary sometimes until I am blue in the face or till the cows come home!
Therein lies all my problems. I knew it wasn’t working, I could see it for what it was but still I held on for dear life. However, the journey of self-discovery I am on taught me some lessons and one of them is that not all breakups are bad. Sometimes it is needed to teach you that “better” exists and it is not only in your mind. Once I started moving forward, I realized that I had it within me to pick and choose the right person I wanted in my life. My heart has all these romantic notions of how a love should be but I am learning that there is more to it than butterflies in your stomach. I tend to wear rose-colored glasses where love is concerned and when that tint wears off, I am left holding the remnants of a broken love affair. It’s off with those glasses and on to what it is really about. It is now about knowing what I want, what I won’t settle for and a love that is “all in” and not the fading kind. I mean, “the here today and gone tomorrow” variety.
Breaking off and going it alone has taught me many lessons but the most important one that has helped me to learn and grow is that I AM ENOUGH as I am. No embellishments needed! Version 2.0 is stronger and more capable at looking for love in all the right places and a royal pain in the you know what!
Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
Someone once said, you are NOT yesterday. True but the stories we tell ourselves, the narratives that we trap ourselves in sometimes tell us that we are. Yesterday does carry some weight because it helps to define who we are today. The memories of yesterday can mold or break us, it can teach us not to do the same things over and over again and more often than not, it gives us the strength to carry on. The truth of the matter is that we cannot rewrite history and we cannot go back and change the outcome of a story that happened and is now done with. Yesterday is just that, it was and is a part of our past and except for the revisits from time to time of well-kept memories, it is nothing more than that. It is a story that is finished, it has taken its final bow or curtain call and so must we by letting it go.
This is what I tell myself on the journey I am on. I can’t keep carrying yesterday on my back or like an albatross around my neck. The load is heavy and it makes me want to stop, turn around and run back to what was familiar even if that familiarity has the power to hurt like hell. The unknown before me is terrifying and anything is better than this right? What’s before is shrouded in fog, it is dark and foreboding and forging through it takes superhuman effort but the small negative voice within me which at times roars like a waterfall tells me that I can’t do it! Take small steps, one step at a time, you don’t have to know everything, just trust and you will get there says this other shaky voice but there are no other options, moving forward is where I need to go.
Sometimes it is the boundaries we place around ourselves that trap us, that tell us that the imaginary world we live in is so much better than what is waiting out there. Sure it was painful but there was greatness too. It was filled with things I knew and cherished, in one word, it is irreplaceable. The stories we tell ourselves are the fences we place around us. Was yesterday that great? Did we embellish it like a Christmas tree to make it sparkle and shine when the reality is a different story? Do the stories we tell ourselves distort reality and yet it is the truth as we see it or is it because we want to see it that way?
Harold R. Johnson said, “We are all story. We are the stories we are told and we are the stories we tell ourselves. To change our circumstances, we need to change our story: edit it, modify it, or completely rewrite it.”
I don’t want to completely rewrite my past. I want to take the good parts with me, the bad parts I want to thank for teaching me lessons I would not have learned otherwise and the pain? Well, I want to leave that behind where it belongs. Enough tears have been shed, enough wishing that it could have been different has not made it less so and closing the door behind me and moving on is the way to go. The next chapter is waiting and yesterday is done with.
“Forget yesterday – it has already forgotten you. Don’t sweat tomorrow – you haven’t even met. Instead, open your eyes and heart to a truly precious gift – today.” Steve Maraboli
Here’s to yesterday. You taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn but had to accept. You gave me memories I will forever treasure. You made me who I am today and for that I will forever be thankful.
First on the list is Chachi, the cat. I can’t do without him and he is my buddy, a close confidante and a joy maker. Just seeing him walk into the room with that John Wayne walk puts a smile on my face. Spending time with him brings happiness as well.
Writing is next on the list. Right now, I am drawing blanks but that happens and it is a momentary lapse. Soon my head will be raging with ideas and I will be ready to get it out and I will. I think my brain is saying enough already! It’s time for a break. I LOVE writing and it is a joyful thing to do.
Walking is naturally on my list. Not a day goes by without a walk in nature but I missed it today. I seem to have caught a cold so it was plenty of rest, liquids and TV time! It’s okay to have downtime now and then.
Meditation brings benefits I never thought was possible. I have a mind that jumps around and doesn’t sit still so meditation has been a good way to reel it in and to make it behave. It is a hard ask but it (my brain) is learning to toe the line or perhaps just pretending to do so! Meditation not only brings joy into my life but it is my safety net when I need peace and quiet.
Workouts are good for the mind, body and soul. I’ve always worked out so why stop now? However, I need to remember that I’m no longer a spring chicken but sometimes I forget and my body reminds me later. It’s all fine and good because I take it in stride although I’ve backed off from kickboxing but all the others are par for the course.
These are my methods for achieving happiness and believe it or not, it works. What about cheesecake? Okay, just a slice puts a smile on my face but it has been a game of tug of war since I started down that road, the cheesecake fetish path I mean, so I’m going to leave it out for now but I hear it CALLING!
Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
I’ve talked about my journey many times before. It is a journey designed to get me somewhere. Where do I want to go? I want to get to the top of that mountain. I want to say that I made it there leaving all the things that did not serve me behind and I want to feel the freedom of knowing that the “journey” was worthwhile and I can finally breathe again.
“Over time, I have come to believe that “brave” does not mean what we think it does. It does not mean “being afraid” and doing it anyway. Nope. Brave means listening to the still small voice inside and doing as it says. Regardless of what the rest of the world is saying.” Glennon Doyle
I still have a long ways to go but then again easy doesn’t cut it. It takes soul-searching, giving up what holds me back, knowing what I want and the courage to move forward not knowing what that path forward holds. The unknown is always scary but what if there is a “better” than where I am now? A better life, a better existence and perhaps even a better love. I am looking for that needle in the haystack but he is well-hidden and if he is there staring me in the face, I don’t see him yet.
Recently, I shared with a friend that I’m on the verge of giving up as far as that special someone is concerned. I told him I am tired of making treks in the wrong direction and that perhaps love is not in the cards for me. Perhaps, I should just say enough already and give up altogether.
He listened quietly as I vented and then said, “In German there is a saying, you find happiness when you least expect it.” It was profound, perhaps even holding a modicum of truth and coming from a guy wearing a bandana, it made me sit up and take notice. Not that I have anything against bandana-wearing men, I just didn’t expect this kind of deep thinking from him. He’s the rugged outdoorsy type but obviously has a soft core which he keeps well-hidden not visible to the naked eye. That said, nope he is not my guy. Anyway, the light went back on. I realized that I had met my ex when I wasn’t looking. It was my first night out after a long while of mourning over a break up and there he was. Our paths crossed and unknown to us both, the wheels had been set in motion and there was no stopping the path we were on. Perhaps, the inevitable happens when you least expect it and when the time is right.
If that is true, could we make it just a tad easier please? And if it does happen let’s make it forever this time around.
“Breathe through it and release anything that does not serve you.” Unknown
I’m no stranger to breathing. I do all kinds of different breathing techniques, I don’t believe in leaving it to chance so why not try everything there is to try and I might just hit the right one, the breathing technique that is, at some point in time. I’m also hoping that my intuition will take over and point me in the right direction but then fear, my best friend, comes in and blows it all to pieces. This journey has not been easy and making the wrong move from time to time always brings me back to square one. The message is clear, move slowly, one foot in front of the other. Patience is a virtue but not in my case. I’m like a petulant child who stomps her feet and demands that she gets it NOW! Life is not putting up with my temper tantrums so here I am again wondering where I went wrong this last time? I have to learn to bide my time, move with caution for the way forward is not easy to navigate and one false move and I am back to where I started from and I don’t want that.
“I was lucky enough to have been to rock bottom before, right? So I know for a fact, that rock bottom is always the beginning of the newness. It hurts and its painful, and then there’s the waiting……where you don’t know what the hell is going on and you don’t think any of it is going to make sense and then,
THERE’S THE RISING.”
I am waiting to exhale. I am waiting for “the rising” when all is made new again and I am given another chance at life, at love, at living and finally breathing freely again. I am looking forward to saying, “It was tough but I made it!”
Dedicated to someone who was very dear and near to me. You’ve moved on but the memories of a spirit that was kind and loving still remains. Fly high wherever you are and I know that you are in a better place. I do miss you especially when I take my walks alone. Sometimes I feel your presence and sometimes I talk to you. I’m sure you are giving heaven a run for the money!
“When you see how fragile and delicate life can be, all else fades into the background.” Jenna Morasca
I got a call from a friend yesterday. She told me that she had been in the hospital for a week. All is well with her but it was a scary experience. It brought home the fact that life in all its beauty is still as fragile as can be.
A year and a half ago, I lost someone very close to me. We never thought that life with all its idiosyncrasies would throw a curveball. One so large and unexpected that when all was said and done, only one of us would be left standing to carry on.
The walk in the snow-covered world was exhilarating. Everything was covered in white and the trees looked like pictures out of a postcard. It also brought back times when we had taken those walks together. The times when snowball fights and laughter reigned supreme. Little did we know then that life as we knew it was about to change forever.
“You never think the last time is the last time. You think that there will be more. You think you have forever. But then life can quickly remind you, you don’t” Grey’s Anatomy
What if we knew that life was short? What then? Would we try to cram as much living as we can into today? Perhaps knowing just how fragile life is should make us stop and take notice, to stop procrastinating and to do and say the things we need to say before it is too late. I wish I had.
Today as I approach the top of the hill, I remember that snow-filled day as you said, “I want a selfie with the both of us in it.” We were laughing in the picture. Now I realize that there will be no more pictures, no more memories to be made and no more laughter to be shared. You’ve gone on a different journey.
I’ve said many things to you since you’ve been gone. Nothing seems enough, perhaps one day it will be and memories of you will fade and I will be at peace. Here are more of the same, more of what I wished I had said when you were here.
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for all the times we shared. Thank you for showing me just how much love you could squeeze into that little amount of time. Thank you for showing me that I was an important part of your life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Life is fragile. All it takes is one wrong move, one unexpected turn of events and like a candle in the wind, it can be snuffed out never to be relit again. Forever is not in its vocabulary and neither is invincible. Knowing that we should make time for the important things in life, free up space by letting go of the unimportant ones and take the time to say and do the things you need to do before it is too late.
I walked out the front door this morning and all seemed calm and beautiful. The sun was shining and the tulips are getting ready to bloom. It was a peaceful world until I turned my head to the right and there lying on the ground was something small and pink. Thinking it was a chewing gum wrapper that some kid had thrown, not caring where it landed, I bent to get a closer look and YIKES!
It was a baby mouse, pink and grey with a sweet little pink nose. It wasn’t moving and it hadn’t been torn to shreds by a marauding cat in the dead of night either. My mind started churning. What do I do now? My first thought, “I’m not touching it!” However, I also knew that I had to do something. Rotting on the ground where it lay was a no go and calling someone to help get rid of the poor thing was a no go either.
Walking back into the house lost in thought, I came across Chachi, the cat, watching me intuitively. Little Einstein knew something was up. I also knew that if I let him out there, he would take care of the problem or he might just pick it up and bring it into the house, lay it at my feet as a small gift from him to me. YIKES!
Walking into the kitchen with my mind made up, I picked up two plastic bags. One for picking up the little creature and the other to secure him and then to put it in the garbage can. The predicament. I didn’t want to feel his lifeless body beneath my plastic covered hand. There was no getting out of it, it had to be done. “Tia, you can do this!” I told myself. My mind made up, I scooped him up and closing my eyes I put him in the plastic bag and secured the top. Mission accomplished? Not quite. I quickly ran into the kitchen turned the water on, lathered my hands with soap and scrubbed several times before rinsing off. I can still feel the chills going up my spine.
Living in the country, mice are a problem. I’ve seen several scooting by in the backyard and neighbors have complained about them taking over the garden sheds. However, this is the first time I have made contact with a dead one.
“In race, between cat and mouse, the mouse mostly wins….
Because the cat runs for its food……
But the mouse runs for its life……….
Purpose is more important than Need….” Unknown
Unfortunately, the little guy lost out. So goes the circle of life.
I am learning that each new day is a reminder to do better.
I am learning that I am fully capable of dealing with everything life throws my way.
I am learning that I need to practice gratefulness and to be thankful for all that I have.
I am learning to accept me as I am and to make changes if some of those things don’t work to my greater good.
I am learning to let go of things that don’t serve me and I am making room for those that do.
I am learning that I can’t change people, I can only change myself.
I am learning that life is a journey full of ups and downs and nothing stays the same forever.
I am learning that there is no such thing as forever, just the here and now.
I am learning that love is fleeting at its best and at its worst, it has the potential to turn your world upside down and inside out. Tread carefully.
I am learning that cheaters never change. They are repeat offenders. Integrity is just another word to them. A relationship with such an individual is like throwing pearls at pigs.
I am learning that today is a blessing, a gift and I have it in my power to make it an amazing day.
I am learning that life is ever-changing. It is a learning curve and mistakes are made to show us a new way of handling things and to learn and to grow from it. Perhaps that is what life is all about.
“But most of all, I am slowly learning how to just be in this moment. How to exist. How to understand that I cannot control life, that I can only experience it in both its light and its dark stages. I am slowly learning how to laugh and cry and feel through it all, how to welcome the confusion and the joy that come with loving and living and breaking. I am slowly learning how to accept where I am”
“I am slowly learning how to simply believe in the person I am becoming.” Unknown
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