life lessons – Page 7

Stop Being Too Nice!

There is this thing as far as being too nice or too kind. It can be equated to “people pleasing,” but I think it goes deeper than that. It stems from “feelings of inadequacy and the need to get approval and validation from others. Overly-nice people try to please so that they can feel good about themselves,” according to marciasirotamd.com

“Sometimes I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in my life.” Unknown

There is more than an element of truth to that assumption. I tend to be nice and at times overly kind and often it backfires on me. It seems when you are too nice, you are viewed as a pushover or a doormat and you tend to get taken advantage of. Still, I persevere and often hope that the kindness is reciprocated but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. People who take advantage have their own problems and that is not of the “nice” kind. However, being too nice can lead to “unhealthy relationships, personal dissatisfation, and emotional exhaustion.”

“Good people are like candles, they burn themselves up to give others light.” Unknown

How do you stop being too nice? According to nurturingmindscounseling.com here are six tips that will get you there. If used correctly, this will be your best friend.

Set boundaries.

Remembering your needs are valid.

Notice and name the patterns that take you down the “people-pleasing” path.

Identify what change looks like. Say “no” and mean it.

Expect that you’re going to be uncomfortable.

Practice self-compassion. Don’t beat yourself up.

The next time you notice yourself going out of your way to accommodate someone when you know you have to bite the bullet to do it, say STOP! and take a couple of steps back to reevaluate the situation and go from there. You don’t always have to be “nice” to be validated. Work from the inside out, set those boundaries, know what works and what doesn’t and if they or whoever you’re dealing with gets upset, let them deal with it. It is not your problem.

The Nice Girl Syndrome is a fake persona that arises from societal stereotyping of women. We’re supposed to be accommodating, accepting, loving, kind, gentle and so on. Once you deviate from such niceties you are viewed as the not so “nice” variety. Here’s the thing. You are your own person and you don’t have to be nice all the time! I’m changing my tactics. These days I carry a whip, an imaginary one and I’m not afraid to say, Back Off! It’s a new me and it takes getting used to but it’s working for me and that’s what matters.

“That’s the problem with putting others first: you’ve taught them you come second.” Unknown

Take your power back and have an amazing day.

Living Your Best Life

“Put yourself first on your priority list and watch your life get better.” Unknown

One interpretation of living your best life is to “live a life that makes you happy and also one that allows you to live your full potential.” quora.com

Concentrating on yourself is of the utmost importance. If you want to live your best life, put yourself first and foremost on that priority list. It starts with YOU and if you can get your act together everything else falls into place and even if it doesn’t, give it time to right itself out, in the meantime you’re standing where you should be and that is at the top of your list.

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” Unknown

Each day do what is necessary to get yourself back on track. If you’re down on your knees, stand back up. If all you see is grey clouds and no sunshine, make your own sunshine. Put on a smile, get dressed and go out and shine! Never underestimate the power of a smile, it does wonders for your psyche and your soul. So make sure to wear one even if you don’t feel like it.

Talk to yourself. Tell yourself, “I love you!” Sounds crazy? Not really. Sometimes or rather more often than not, we forget the person we carry around with us. The special someone who stands by us through all our big and little moments of sadness, joy, heartbreak and everything else that goes to make up this life of ours. Show it some LOVE. I’ve started doing this practice of positive self-talk and I say, “I love you,” “I’m thankful for your support,” and “I’m grateful for all the things you do for me.” After I finish I give myself a hug, a make-believe one but a hug nonetheless. This has proved to be an absolute game changer and within a few minutes I feel calmer and “happiness” courses through my whole being. Not always but that is okay too.

Here’s another important point. If you want to live your best life, don’t beat yourself up. You’re beautiful as you are and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! We are our own worst enemy and I know I am. I often tell myself, “Your hair looks bad today!” Or that little spot on my face has taken gigantic proportions and is now staring back at me with a grin. Sometimes I say, “I just don’t like how I look!” I’m learning to tone down the rhetoric and to be kinder and gentler with myself. These days if someone says, “You look good,” I accept it wholeheartedly without resorting to, “but that’s not what I saw this morning as I looked in the mirror!” Vanity can be a downer at times but learning to accept yourself flaws and all is the way to go.

One Day It Clicks

“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Unknown

Go out and live your very best life and while you’re doing it don’t forget to have an amazing day!

TRUST

A series on Getting Back on Track

“There are two reasons why we don’t trust people.

First – we don’t know them.

Second – we know them.” Unknown

The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? Today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”

Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it.

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann

It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”

Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it took only seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.

As I round a bend in the path all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere.

“Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown

I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling, if you will, that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” in front of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.

Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, even if I catch you in the act, you will jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown

Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack.

“I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown.

If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.”

The sun is starting to peek out and today is going to be an amazing day.

I am moving on……

Let It Go

Letting go is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. Holding on is somehow innately built into the human system and we are wired to hold on when things go wrong. At least, that is the case with me. If only I had the ability to “let go” when I knew that there was no point in holding on. Life would be so much easier right? Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I am an overthinker, an overachiever and a hold on with a death grip type of person. At times I am well aware that the ship has set sail and is out of sight but I keep looking longingly out to sea hoping it would return and everything would be alright but most times, it never does and still I refuse to let go.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” Unknown

The hard thing about letting go is the fear factor. The unknown is always scary. We tend to fixate on what was instead of realizing that it is done with, a thing of the past and it’s time to move on. The pieces remain of what once was, be it a lesson learned or pieces to build a future with but only if we stop looking at that closed door and turn towards the one that is open BUT going through it is like leading a horse to water but making it drink is another story altogether.

Shannon Alder says:

“Forget what hurt you but NEVER forget what it taught you.”

If only it was that easy. Speaking from experience and being the proverbial holder on, I know that there were times when I dug in my heels and refused to budge because it was what was behind that closed door that I wanted. It didn’t matter that it was bad for me and it didn’t matter that it was gone, water under the bridge so to speak and still I held on for dear life. I cried a waterfall when I could have saved those tears if only I had taken the first step to go through that open door. Freedom comes in letting go which in turn gives you the ability to fly because nothing is weighing you down anymore. I am learning not to stay in one place too long, to look back and to gather the lessons I have learned and when the time is right to keep moving forward. Life is for living, not just existing and being stuck in one place is an absolute no go. It is in moving forward that you learn the power of letting go, the power of living again.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey

LET GO!

Have an amazing day.

Change

I was talking to someone this morning and I asked the question, “What if there comes a time when you can’t do one or the other?” I was referring to his love of traveling and diving. The answer back was alarming to say the least. He said, “I would be dead!”

“Change….A simple word with a difficult meaning.” Unknown

The “difficult” part is not being able to adapt to change. Whatever that change entails. I can’t stand change for the most part. It means I would have to get out of my comfort zone and that scares the hell out of me. It also means going within and doing battle to accept the changes coming my way which is what change usually means. Adapting is never easy but life as we all know it is a never-ending series of changes. Staying put is never an option.

Charles Darwin said it well:

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

Does change have the potential to kill you? It may feel like that at the beginning because letting go of something you’ve become accustomed to is HARD. However, saying no is not an option either. Look at it this way.

“Life is like underwear, change is good.” Unknown

You can change and you can adapt and that is the truth of the matter. We are all pre-programmed to do just that. Going back in time, I had to adapt to so many of life’s happenings and after the usual, I CAN’T, I gave up and let life take the lead and I went along for the ride. Some things turned out almost perfectly and others, well, let’s just say it wasn’t the outcome I expected. All in all, I had no choice or rather the choices were limited. Move or get run over was the message.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Socrates

Adaptation, it seems is a key crucial element to change. The more you fight it, the harder it will be. There are no remotes available so that you can press a button and get instant gratification. In order for life to happen and for change to take place, you have to get up and change it yourself. Scary? Definitely.

Opray Winfrey said:

“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”

That simple huh? No, not that simple but there is truth in that saying. So change your attitude, grab the reins of your life and make change happen. There’s a whole wide world of possibilities waiting out there and one of them has your name on it. You can only have it if you adapt. Nothing more, nothing less.

Have an amazing day.

SINGLEDOM

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Being “single” is cringeworthy to some, unbelievable to others, unbearable to those who think “single” is a bad word and a “no go” in today’s society of settling for anything even if it means you are with the wrong person just so long as you have someone to boost your image.

Single is defined as “the state of being unmarried or not involved in a long-term relationship.”

I’m both right now but I have to say it’s working out for me. I love spending time by myself and I’m learning that I like who I am. All the clutter that clouds my mind in a relationship is gone and for a change there is peace and clarity within.

“You’re single not because you are not good enough for one, it’s that you’re too good for the wrong one.” Chris Burkmein

Sometimes we make the wrong choices and wind up in relationships that are not good for us. Taking the time as I am doing to find out why I keep falling for the wrong types is a necessary move on my part. Making a promise to do better the next time around is an integral part of the journey I’m on. It’s a journey of self-discovery and I’m not rushing things. I’m taking my time going within to weed out all the destructive bits that lead me on the self-same journey over and over again.

“It takes a strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.” Unknown

Settling is not my thing and never has been and I’m stubborn to a fault. Put the two together and you have someone who may never find the right one and “single” is in her cards forever! However, I’m not giving up hope. Working on myself is a priority this year and when and if the “new” someone shows up, I hope I’ll be ready to lower the banner I have around my heart which says, “Do Not Disturb, Work in Progress!“

It has been said:

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” Parade

AND

“I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well.

Like…..It’s working out.

I think I’m the one.”

Unknown

All jokes aside, being “single” is nothing to be ashamed of. It just means you are taking time out for yourself, learning who you are, loving yourself, working on your self-worth and when the time is right, you’ll get your wings and you’ll learn to fly with the right person.

“Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

What is Life?

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It’s a question I ask myself everyday. One day it is this and the next it is that but the answers are never the same. Perhaps there is no one answer. It is not a one size fits all kind of thing. Life has been likened to a river that never stops flowing. It winds and turns and keeps on moving no matter what. Perhaps it is this.

Once a wise man was asked, “What’s the meaning of life?” He replied, “Life itself has no meaning. Life is an opportunity to create meaning.” Unknown

I think it is a journey. Stopping and standing still is not an option. Running and hiding is not an option. Crying and begging is not an option. Looking back at the past and hoping it was different is not an option. It is deciding that you are the co-creator of your life. However, as co-creator, it is expected that no matter what life throws at you, good or bad, lying on the ground and refusing to move is not an option either. Standing back up is.

As a young girl, there were many times when I would come home screaming bloody murder because I had taken a fall and scraped my knee or because someone had been mean or something didn’t go my way but the message I got from my wise mother was simple but clear, “I don’t want to hear it. Dust off and get back on that horse and get moving.” It was met with belligerence from my 8-year-old self but it has been the best lesson she has taught me. Those words of hers have stood the test of time. Just the other day, my son said, “I am scared and sad. I am stressed about all this stuff.” The “stuff” meaning he was standing at the crossroads and wondering what’s next. A job, taking responsibility for his own life and wondering if he was going to make it were all on his mind. We’ve all been at that crossroad at one time or another and wondered about the very same things. And then he said, “What if I can’t get a job?” I thought about it for a long time and came back with those words of old. Words that came from a woman who knew what she was talking about. So I said, “If you fall, pick yourself back up, dust off and keep looking ahead but never give up.” Same message but said in a different way. Did he get it? I know those words still sing in my head so I hope it does in his.

Coming back to life and its idiosyncrasies. One thing is for sure, there are no guarantees. It is what you put into it that counts, how hard you work at it that matters and doing the uncomfortable when you don’t want to will be the key to taking you to the finish line.

I think George Bernard Shaw may have captured its essence.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Have an amazing day.

I AM LEARNING

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I am learning that each new day is a reminder to do better.

I am learning that I am fully capable of dealing with everything life throws my way.

I am learning that I need to practice gratefulness and to be thankful for all that I have.

I am learning to accept me as I am and to make changes if some of those things don’t work to my greater good.

I am learning to let go of things that don’t serve me and I am making room for those that do.

I am learning that I can’t change people, I can only change myself.

I am learning that life is a journey full of ups and downs and nothing stays the same forever.

I am learning that there is no such thing as forever, just the here and now.

I am learning that love is fleeting at its best and at its worst, it has the potential to turn your world upside down and inside out. Tread carefully.

I am learning that cheaters never change. They are repeat offenders. Integrity is just another word to them. A relationship with such an individual is like throwing pearls at pigs.

I am learning that today is a blessing, a gift and I have it in my power to make it an amazing day.

I am learning that life is ever-changing. It is a learning curve and mistakes are made to show us a new way of handling things and to learn and grow from it. Perhaps that is what life is all about.

“But most of all, I am slowly learning how to just be in this moment. How to exist. How to understand that I cannot control life, that I can only experience it in both its light and its dark stages. I am slowly learning how to laugh and cry and feel through it all, how to welcome the confusion and the joy that come with loving and living and breaking. I am slowly learning how to accept where I am”

“I am slowly learning how to simply believe in the person I am becoming.” Unknown

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!

Stop People Pleasing!

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People pleasing is described as “a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process.”

Guilty as charged! I didn’t know this about me but I’m a “yes” person and I tend to jump hoops to help others and in so doing my needs and wants are often placed on the backburner.

Here are some signs of a people pleaser:

You put other people’s needs before your own.

You allow others to take advantage of your kindness.

You feel guilty when you take care of yourself.

You find it hard to say NO.

You stay in relationships that are not good for you.

You worry about the future a lot.

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” Rachel Wolchin

That is the absolute truth. The more you give, the more is taken. It is expected that you give and give but if you step back and take a long hard look at the situation as I did last year, I realized it was time to put a stop to the constant giving cycle I was in. It comes down to setting boundaries, strong ones that don’t buckle under pressure.

“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.” Unknown

It’s time to say NO and to stick to it. Taking small steps as with everything else helps in getting you out of the people pleasing mode and towards being more confident and assertive.

According to Emily Roberts, here’s how to stop those people pleasing habits.

Stop. Stop saying yes when you want to say no.

Take your time saying yes to favors. Think about it first.

Be fair. Are you being fair to yourself when you say yes.

Don’t over-apologize. Just say, “I am sorry and leave it at that.”

Start small. Limit your availability and your time.

Forget the fear. If people get mad when you say no, you shouldn’t be with such people in the first place anyway.

Ask for help. If it’s too much to handle, ask for help.

Brene Brown says:

“When we’re busy pleasing, perfecting, and performing, we end up saying YES a lot when we mean NO.”

What caught my eye and held my interest is the “performing” part in that quote. I suppose we do perform like actors would trying to please people all of the time. In time, this drains us and it saps our energy. More importantly, you get exploited or manipulated by others. The end result is mental fatigue and burnout.

If you’re a people pleaser STOP! Teach others to respect your boundaries and learn to say NO more often. I have to remind myself of this too. You know what you’ll put up with and what you won’t so do it. It is life changing and freeing at the same time.

When someone says:

“You’ve changed”—

You say : No actually I think the proper term is

“I’ve stopped trying to please you.”

Have an amazing day.

The Storytellers

“We are all unreliable narrators, not just in the way we tell our stories to others, but how we tell them to ourselves.” Deb Caletti

We love telling stories don’t we? I think our whole existence is based on telling stories. We add and subtract as we see fit and sometimes or rather more often than not we blow it out of proportion to fit the narrative. The narrative that we see as our reality.

“The stories we tell ourselves shape our lives. They shape who we believe we are, and this belief translates into who we become.” John Assaraf

Something happens and off we go overthinking and putting a story together in our minds. “I’m not good enough,” comes to mind if there has been a rejection of some kind or if something doesn’t go exactly like we want. It could also be someone we like but who turned us down but the reality is that this person is not what we need and is not good for us but we drum up this story about how great he/she is and before you know it, we’ve got the dream person staring back at us but in reality they are far from it. We cling to the stories we tell ourselves but it doesn’t stop there. It morphs and changes shape until that “not being good enough” transforms into something we don’t recognize anymore. If that isn’t bad enough, we look for different angles to make it as bad as possible until there’s no climbing out of the hole YOU dug for yourself. Now, you’re facing a huge problem but one of your own making.

Yes folks, some of us are great storytellers and let’s add doomsday soothsayers to that and you’ve got the picture. The problem is we “buy” the stories we tell and we do put some doozies out there that could earn us the Nobel Prize if there is one for such storytelling!

“The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. If you want to change your life, change the narrative you’ve believed up to this point.” Unknown

Tell yourself YOU are good enough. YOU can change the narrative. YOU can tell better stories than of the doomsday variety. YOU are capable and YOU can take whatever life throws at you and come out the winner. YOU, my friend, have it in you to come out with the best story possible. Make it your very best but you’ve got to change the narrative. Take “I can’t” and “It’s not possible” to “I can” and “I’m going to do it!” I keep telling myself that as well.

“The only thing keeping you from what you want is the story you keep telling yourself about why you don’t have it.” Tony Robbins

Let’s stop embellishing and making up stories, ones that if given the chance will bring us down and keep us there. Let’s change them to the positive variety, the kind that will get us on the way and into something better. Reality is sometimes just that, you take what is handed to you and work to make it your best reality without all the extra frills. You know what I mean.

LET’S DO THIS! Let’s change the stories we tell ourselves from that of the downtrodden to flying high! WE CAN DO THIS!

Have an amazing day.