life – Page 25 – Site Title

This Thing Called Love (2)

Stage 1: Falling in Love

“In the first stage of love, your hormones run the show. You flirt, get butterflies in your stomach and heart, toss your hair back often and laugh a lot more. Falling in love makes you glow. Full playfulness and passion, stage one of love, often called the honeymoon stage tends to be everyone’s favorite because it is fun.“

This is how Stage 1 looks like. You can talk for hours on the phone and it never gets old. There is lots of laughing and giggling and you have your rose-tinted glasses on. If there is a blemish the size of a rock on your face, it is invisible at this stage or airbrushed by the blossoming of something special. Time flies by on wings and it is never ever enough. You want more and even though red flags may crop up like a neon sign, you SEE and don’t want to see. It is also the stage of stupidity where your brain and intuition take a backseat and your heart takes over.

Stage 2: Getting Serious

“Enter stage two. You still make a good couple. You hold hands in the park and cuddle up together to watch a movie, but something has changed. You’ve moved in together, maybe even got married. That fun time has run its course and your relationship has entered the serious zone.“

You may have moved in together or maybe not. It could be headed in a more serious direction where the “M” word is bandied about. That rose-tinted glow is there but now grey is starting to seep in. You question his/her motives. When once that laugh was alluring, it now makes you grit your teeth. You see things you don’t like. Things like he doesn’t keep to his word or you’ve caught him in a lie or two. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all over the floor gets your goat. The glow is still there so it’s time to push it all under the rug. You say, “It’ll right itself out. After all, you’re not looking for perfect.” The serious zone is staring you in the face and you don’t want to rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie you say but you know that it could come back to bite you later.

Stage 3: What Happened?

“What happened? Did you fall out of love? By this point, all illusions have been stripped away. You find yourself arguing more. Romance seems like work and you can’t be bothered to squeeze in the time. You just want it to end. And most people do just that, end their relationship.“

This is the “make it” or “break it” phase. It is also the time to let it all hang out phase. Remember that in Stage 1 all was perfect or at least it seemed so. Nothing was out of place, not a hair, not a fake eyelash, perfect haircut, smelling good and NO inappropriate behavior. Now, it’s let it rip time and HOW! If you’re married, who cares is the attitude. Everything is allowed and I mean everything. He’s seen you many times over so why bother? Unkempt hair, less than perfect hygiene, let it all grow out if you know what I mean. He, in turn, lets it rip. Holding it in is no longer required, anywhere anytime is ok. One other thing I find fascinating is that men love talking to you when they are sitting on the throne! Something soothing perhaps? That smile is no longer alluring, those little quirks more than annoying and spending a few minutes talking equates to an hour and a half in your mind. I call this the end of time phase. It’s probably all downhill from here and most choose to end the relationship.

According to one source, there are five clear stages. They are honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment and acceptance. I’ve chosen to speak about three because not many make it past the adjustment phase. If you do, you’re one of the lucky ones. However, the fourth and fifth phase are hard to navigate. Most are either miserable wanting to get out or they’ve accepted their fate and are playing dead until their time is up!

I haven’t given up hope that I will make it to the last phase with a smile on my face and the right man by my side. I’m still working on finding him. Unfortunately, he seems to have lost his way and is nowhere to be found and TIME is running out! Fairy Godmother some help please! I could use your wand right about now!

Have an amazing day.

This and That

Sundays are for relaxing but in this household it means no sleeping in and it’s like any other day. Chachi, the cat, aka Little Einstein had other plans in mind and it doesn’t matter if human concedes to it or not!

Saturday had been busy because a friend came over and helped mow the grass and did the weeding as well. I promised a home-cooked lunch which consisted of Shepherd’s pie and a green salad as a “thank you” for all the hard work. I don’t cook much these days but I must say it was finger licking good! He liked it so much that I packaged up the leftovers and he took it home with him. Later, I got a message and it said, “It was damn good!” However, Chachi was not happy about the friend. Did I tell you he has a jealous streak woven into that fur coat? He does. The friend left after cake and coffee and a huge thunderstorm rolled in just in time to give the plants a well-needed deluge of water.

The little macho did not like it one little bit. First, the guy and now this! He hates thunderstorms with a passion. The Lion King he is not, more like a mouse for all his macho ways. The first clap of thunder and he took off running. I found him hiding behind the washing machine! Coaxing him out took some effort but he finally emerged looking scared and the “guy” was all forgotten for the time being. Do cats have a memory like an elephant? I suppose I will find out.

So, it’s Sunday morning and I decided to make it up to the little brat. I had a mommy and Chachi day planned. We got up bright and early and the little guy kept close to me. Everywhere I turned, there he was eyes trained on me and when he caught me looking he trilled like a bird and rolled on the ground legs up in the air waiting to be kissed and stroked. I really think the little fur ball had a different profession in his last life! Anyway, I spent the whole morning pampering the Little Prince and he was mighty happy.

After lunch, I decided to do yoga. I was going to do a longer version of about 70 minutes AND I was looking forward to some me time but fur ball had other plans. Mommy and Chachi time in his world meant stuck together like glue time! The minute I got my mat out, he came running. His look said, “WHAT YOU DOING?!!” I ignored him and got down on the floor and there he was butt in my face and refusing to move! Remember, it’s be nice to Chachi day so I moved him gently aside but Little Yogi wasn’t having any of it. He kept blocking my every move and if yoga was meant to be relaxing, this did not make it so!

I gave up after 1/2 an hour and he walked up, gave me a kiss and ran off chasing the fly that had somehow found its way in. I knew and he knew that the poor fly stood no chance against the seasoned fly catcher!

Now, he is sleeping. What happened to the fly? Lord, only knows!

Sundays are for relaxing but in this household it’s like any other day!

Have an amazing day.

A Quote I Live By?

Most of you know I love quotes. I find them inspiring and it is a quick pick-me-up when days are not looking like I want it to look like. Just a quote or two and it does the trick of getting me back to where I need to be. Just words you might say. True, but inspiring ones nonetheless.

One quote I live by and have lived by for a long time is this. “Live and Let Live.” Such simple words but it is needed in this world of ours where ugliness and cruelty rules and being different is considered a cardinal sin. This indirect quote “emphasizes coexistence and respect for all life forms.” If you look further, it means let someone live their life as he or she chooses and accept it for what it is. This acceptance bit is hard to come by in some circles.

Racism thrives on viewing individuals as being different because of skin color religious beliefs and or behavioral traits. Anything different in this circle is a no go or looked upon with disdain. I consider racism and racist attitudes the bane of our society. Someone said to me recently, “It will never change, racism will always exist. There is nothing you and I can do about it.” I beg to differ. Our world can be so much better if we can embrace each person for who they are and not for their outward appearance, who they marry and who they choose to be with and their worship practices. It shouldn’t matter but unfortunately it does. Just look at what Trump is unleashing in America and the world. Being “brown” could bring you a death sentence in a concentration camp somewhere far away.

LIVE AND LET LIVE for a better world, for acceptance of all people and for world peace as well. Here’s the thing it starts with you. One small step at a time as I always say. Teach your children the same. It starts at home and it is doable.

Daily writing prompt

Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

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This Thing Called Love (1)

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By now, you know that most of my posts center around this thing called love. It’s because I have my fact-finding shoes on and I want to find out what it is all about.

It is elusive, that’s for sure. It morphs and never stays the same, that’s another aspect. It shows up when you least expect it and it doesn’t stay for long. It is loving and all-consuming but when things go south, it takes off on winged feet. This is my experience as far as love is concerned.

Poor you? Not really. It is daunting this task of finding “real love” but my curiosity is aroused and I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real kind. Curiosity killed the cat, you say? Well, Chachi, the cat, is doing pretty well in that respect and he’s wearing the Einstein hat now!

Someone said to me it is not about ego or attitude yesterday. I totally agree. However, it is not about accepting everyone who walks in the door and placing the “love tag” on them either. That’s a surefire way to disaster. One person called me complicated, well, more than one but who’s counting! Complicated in this case means I’m not willing to accept what is offered. It’s more like the caveman variety. “Here I am woman take me! I like you so no more wasting time and no more discussion. Let’s get down to business!” Nope, that won’t work. I am too emancipated for that BS! Call me complicated all you want but you’re out the door!

I live in a small village that time forgot. The marriages here last a very long time. Have they found the secret to a long and happy love life? Not really. It is based on convenience. Its more like, “I provide and you pander.” Get the picture? These marriages last for a very long time but they are miserable together. One prime example was my in-laws. They were married for decades and they boasted about the longevity of their relationship, however, fights were a part of their daily existence. When he died, she mourned his loss. I wondered if she was mourning the loss of the person or what she was accustomed to, that of nagging and bickering all day long. Perhaps, it was addicting but is that real love?

Someone else said, “If you find it, hold on to it.” I definitely plan to do that. In my journey so far, I’m finding that “love” comes disguised in all its wishy-washy forms but if you want the real kind, you’ve got to take your time, know what you will settle for and what you won’t and don’t be afraid to discard if it’s not what you’re looking for. It takes courage, it takes a single-minded focus and it takes walking the road less traveled. Shut out the noise around you. The one that says, “You can’t do this,” but more specifically the one that roars, “You’ll wind up alone!” I say, “better alone than with the wrong person.”

“Unless it’s mad, passionate or extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life: Love shouldn’t be one of them.” Unknown

AND

“There is no such thing as love, you just happen to bump into someone who laughs at your jokes, likes the way you’re face is and accepts the way you look at the world. Love isn’t real, only two human beings coincidentally lonely at the same moment in time.”

What do you think? Some truth to that assumption?

Have an amazing day.

The “Me” Concept (Archives)

Who am I? Sounds simple enough but this is a hard one to answer. It encompasses all of you, the big picture so to speak. Who you are, what you stand for, what shaped you and the experiences that have made you, the “YOU” of today are all part and parcel of this concept. Understanding yourself is vital to how you interact with the world around you. There is only one YOU, and your identity is unique, It is made up of your values, your beliefs, your relationships and your experiences and that in a nutshell is who you are as a person.

However, interacting with the world around you is not always an easy thing to do. It is much bigger than you are and sometimes downright scary. Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter and might even help with where you are in the grand scheme of things as far as your world is concerned.

“Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase.” Unknown

One step at a time if you want to get somewhere and looking at that whole journey might just be a tad too overwhelming to say the least. Do it slowly and carefully and you’ll get there when the time is right.

“Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.” Unknown

Absolutely worth taking a note of. How often do we hang around people who make us feel less than we are? It is time to clean house and start afresh with people worthy of your company.

“The problem isn’t that your friends aren’t showing up for you…

The problem is that you’re still calling them friends.” Unknown

“You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Choose carefully” Unknown

How true? Choose your friends carefully and the rest will fall into place.

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story,

LEAVE.” Mo Willems

If something is not working and it becomes a struggle, change your strategy. You are not stuck where you are, there is always a way out to start anew.

“She wanted something else, something different, something more, passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.” Nicholas Sparks

There you have it. Stop being the option and start being the priority. Stop choosing people who do not choose you.

Understand this….

“You can sound confident and have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel like shit. You can look happy and be miserable inside. You can be good looking and feel ugly. So be kind, because every person is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Unknown

JUST BE KIND

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

This actually speaks to the whole concept of who you are. What you do eventually becomes your character. Choose wisely and do the right thing.

“Learn to be done with people, not mad, not bothered but just done.” Unknown

This is hard for someone like me. It takes a lot to say I am done but I am learning. Sometimes it is a matter of survival the choices you make. Choose wisely.

“In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end. She simply changed directions and kept going.” Unknown

This last one is poignant. I am on a journey of self-discovery and self-development and in so doing I am learning to give up what does not serve me, to change directions and to move towards what does. Not always easy I know but this is where self-awareness and self-worth comes in to guide you and to make it just a little less scarier than it is.

Have an amazing day.

It Took Courage

I don’t know if I would call it a risk but perhaps it was. I lost a friend a couple of years ago. We were very close and our lives revolved around each other. He was a good person with a very good heart and he taught me how to live again after the divorce.

However, his life on earth was short. He got very sick and his body was shutting down. There was no cure in sight and the person I once knew, the tall, strapping giant of a man was down to skin and bones. He was unrecognizable but the spirit remained. He gave me the task of pulling the plug when the time came. I couldn’t do it but there was no other choice. It meant pain, lots of it and him lost in a world that was unknown to me if it continued. Finally, I said go ahead. It took tremendous courage and the risk? I wasn’t sure if the decision was the right one.

The meds were stopped and it was just a matter of time. It took two weeks until his heart stopped beating. I hugged him the day before but he was already gone. I’ve asked myself this question many times, “Did I do the right thing? Could I have kept him here a little longer?” More importantly, “Do I regret giving them the go ahead?” Part of me still fights with the answers coming back but the part that knows better is at peace with the decision. I know he is in a better place and pain is a thing of the past for him. These days I see him flying with full-fledged wings as he was meant to be. They say the good die young and in his case that’s a true statement.

RIP

Daily writing prompt

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

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The Dating Scene

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Going out on dates makes me very nervous. I hate the whole prep work leading up to the date. What to wear? Hair up or down? Casual or dressy? Makeup? I don’t wear heavy-duty makeup, just a touch of powder and lipstick so that is easy. However, everything comes into play and it makes me very nervous. I think more than anything else, I don’t want to be out there and that is the biggest problem.

I was married for a long time and when it got blown to bits, I had to make a choice. Stay single or put myself out there again. In the beginning, it was even fun. Meeting up for lunch or dinner was okay after the initial awkwardness. The dates usually turned out fine but I think I was the problem. If I got asked out again, I would come up with excuses. Then there was the problem of setting boundaries. I wanted to be friends but they wanted more. It turned out to be a big problem for me. If they gave me a compliment, I would get nervous. If they looked at me a certain way, I would cringe and wonder why. If they went “Whoa!” I would say, “What?!!” Add the “don’t touch policy” I came up with and you get the picture. It was a horror scenario.

I am single still (no wonder you might say) and a recluse to boot! I hate to say it but I love the freedom of not having to wonder what they are thinking, what they want and what they expect from me. Nervousness is on the backburner for now but there is a price to pay. I am alone most days but not lonely. I do want a guy in my life at some point but for now I’m not in a rush. When the time is right, he’ll show up BUT I don’t want to do the work for it. Pick the perfect guy from the crowd and drop him in my lap and I’ll be just fine!

Daily writing prompt

What makes you nervous?

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Human Nature

What is human nature? One explanation refers to “the fundamental characteristics, ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that are generally considered to be inherent to human beings.” One can say we are pre-programmed to act in a certain way when faced with certain situations but nurture and social experiences do play a part in shaping individual behaviors as to how we react to certain outside stimuli.

Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I ‘m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein

“It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.” Anatole France

I totally agree with this assumption. Been there and done that many times over!

“Human nature is deeply ingrained despite our best efforts difficult to change.” Unknown

This one shines the spotlight on the problem itself. Stupidity and stubbornness sometimes or often go hand-in-hand making it a lose-lose situation.

“It’s human nature to remember only what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget, or transform it into a different story.” Unknown

We are all good storytellers so I definitely agree with the transformation part so much so to our own detriment.

“I hate it when people argue in public and I’ve missed the beginning so I don’t know whose side I’m on.” Unknown

This too is human nature.

“People will question all the good things they hear about you but believe all the bad without a second thought.” Unknown

Human nature at its best?

“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.” Unknown

ME TOO!

“Even if you give them everything that they ask for, it’ll never be enough.” Unknown

Are we talking about men here?

Finally….

THE LAWS OF HUMAN NATURE

“You are not a pawn in a game controlled by others; you are an active player who can move the pieces at will and even rewrite the rules.” Robert Greene

There you go. You are not stuck where you are and you have the ability to change your life. You just need to start moving in the right direction. What about human nature? Tell it to take a hike!

Have an amazing day.

Irresponsible Behavior (Archives)

According to the Collins Dictionary, it is defined as “not showing or done with due care for the consequences of one’s actions or attitudes.”

Basically it points to reckless behavior with no thought for the well-being of someone else and not thinking or worrying about the possible results of said actions. It often stems from a lack of self-discipline amongst other things.

“An irresponsible person has no consideration for others.” Unknown

I have put up with irresponsible behavior for most of my life. I think many of us do. We are known as enablers. We do not hold people accountable for their actions but instead make excuses for them so that they can continue on their merry way wrecking havoc as they go along their path of no consequences and move on with no accountability. One can say, the path to hell is often littered with irresponsible behavior.

“Enabling is a significant part of a codependent relationship. It involves supporting the unhealthy behaviors of someone through action or inaction.” Nedra Glover Tawab

It is a sort of give and take so to speak but only in this case you wind up giving more than you’ll ever receive.

Case in Point:

I have a so-called friend who takes irresponsible behavior to a new high. Let’s just say she walks to her own drumbeat one of no consequences AND recklessness should have been her middle name. Anyway, I’ve enabled some of that behavior by putting up with her actions. It has been mostly showing up late for appointments. In the beginning, it was five or ten minutes late. No big deal right? Now, it has escalated to 30 minutes with a stop to do some shopping in between before she arrives with a smile on her face and no apology whatsoever. Still I let it go. Yes, “enabler” should have been my middle name!

However, what she pulled this past week has brought me to a screeching halt and it is time to step back and reevaluate the situation.

I was invited to her place for coffee and breakfast. I told her I would bring the bread rolls and she said, “Looking forward to it.” I was looking forward to some girl talk and a nice breakfast in a quiet atmosphere and I got both but with an unexpected guest! I showed up at the stipulated time bread rolls in hand. By the way, you can add, “Ms. Punctuality” to my last name! Anyway, she walks to the gate, we exchange pleasantries and walk to the front door. Still nothing was said. She opens the door, I step inside and she turns around and says, “I’ve been sick, very sick.” I stop in my tracks all alarm bells going off. I ask, “What with?”

She says, “Everything!”

Me: “What do you mean everything?”

She answers, “COVID!”

Me, croaking, “When did it start?”

She says nonchalantly, “It started last Thursday.”

Now, I am not good at Math but even I could figure out that it was less than a week ago! I was in the house with all windows and doors closed. Not only was there no means of escape but the bacteria or rather the virus was getting ready to pounce on me!

I could see that the table was set for breakfast. What should I do? Should I flee? Should I tell her that this is irresponsible behavior of the highest form? She says, “Let’s make some eggs. You can show me how you make scramble eggs.”

I mumbled, “No, I don’t want eggs thanks,” feeling like the sheep being led to the slaughter. Then she says, “I did the test this morning, it showed one stroke which means I am ok.” I wanted to scream, “I don’t bloody well care!”

Did I tell you I am a hypochondriac as well?

It went downhill from there. I had a cup of coffee probably tinged with bacteria. I refused the ham and cheese and had 1/2 a bread roll with some butter and marmalade all the time thinking, “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to die anyway!!” I stayed for an hour, yes an hour because of the “enabler” issue and also because leaving any sooner would have been rude on my part. The conversation was stunted to say the least and I tolerated the coughing which was part and parcel of this breakfast date. When I finally got out into fresh air, I took big gulps as if that was going to stop the virus that was making headway into my system shouting gleefully, “Another one bites the dust!”

It has been four days since and I’ve been downing tea laced with Moringa and spiked with lemon and doing an extra dose of meditation everyday. So far, so good. I googled the incubation period and it says 2-14 days after exposure to the virus! Lord, have mercy!

“Two things I can’t stand – Irresponsible behavior and Disloyalty.” Unknown

Emotionally irresponsible behavior is another form of irresponsible behavior. This one points to an “individual who lacks empathy for a loved one, and one who is frequently insensitive to those whom he or she is closest to.”

I’ve enabled such behavior not once, not twice, but more times than I can count on my fingers. To make a long story short, such partners lack the ability to accept responsibility, they lack empathy, they have a fear of commitment, everything is about them, conversations are usually one-sided, they avoid relationship discussions and last but not least, YOU feel alone in the relationship. One such example is a narcissist. A narcissist is an emotionally immature person who often displays all of the symptoms of emotionally irresponsible behavior. They are self-preoccupied and they are “perfect” in their own eyes.

How do you deal with such people. Dr. Henry Cloud has some suggestions as far as “Name Your Boundaries” and standing by them.

I will not allow myself to be constantly criticized or infected with toxic emotional treatment that damages me. If the situation cannot be resolved, I will not expose myself to it.

I will not allow myself to be yelled at or be verbally abused. If that happens, I will distance myself from the relationship until it stops.

I will not allow myself to trust a liar or a cheat. The lying must stop before I trust the person again.

I will not take responsibility for the irresponsible behavior of others.

I will not tolerate any abuse of any kind.

AND MY OWN:

I will not let anyone treat me as if I don’t matter!

I feel a cough and a headache coming on. Time to Google again!

Have a great Easter Sunday and an amazing day.

Change (Archives)

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.

It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction.

It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked, and understood. But it doesn’t matter. Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward.

And instead of liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.” Brianna West

Change is never-ending. It is scary but it brings you one step closer to who or what you want to be. It moves you out of your comfort zone and at times it will feel like you are being thrown into the deep end of the pool, sink or swim is your choice. I hope you swim.

Looking back at my life and the things that have held me back, I realize much of it was tied in with stupidity and emotions I could have done without. I could have learned the lessons in a shorter period of time instead of dragging it on but I didn’t.

This thing called love could have been easier on me. I could have made it easier but I wasn’t strong enough. I was in a vulnerable state and it seemed to attract the wrong types because vulnerability is often an invitation which says, “Here I am, come break me!” I should have walked when I saw that it was a foregone conclusion and my holding on would not change the outcome. It never did. I will do better I promise myself. I will let go when I see the truth staring me in the face and walk away with my dignity intact and with my heart back in my chest. I will let go before it drags me down to where I often find myself, right down at ground zero but the changes took a long time coming.

I am stronger today than I was yesterday. My heart still speaks the language of love but it no longer speaks stupid. This journey I am on has changed me. The weak or vulnerable one has been replaced with one who is confident, capable and someone who knows who she is and what she wants out of life. Something inside me screams, “I am woman, hear me roar!” Scary? Well, if you’re the type of man I am accustomed to, then you should be. I am looking to be loved but with eyes open this time. Working on myself is a mindful and daily affair and when I finally step out of my comfort zone, the journey will be complete but change is a lifelong journey and it will be a never-ending one. I can handle it I tell myself because I am no longer who I used to be.

“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” James Keller

Have an amazing day.