mental-health – Page 10

Important Things for a Good Life

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” John Lubbock

I had to give this question much thought. Several things came to mind like money, love, safety and others but since I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery, I find that “peace” is at the top of my list. Not that the other things don’t matter, they do but peace is what I’m seeking and it equates to a good life, one that is well-lived.

Nature is my safe zone. Being out there in the fields has taught me many lessons and one of them is that life takes care of itself. Just like the seasons, each one has a time and place and it happens like clockwork and with very little help from the human hand. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that everything happens with no human help, I’m saying that the majority of the work is done by unseen hands.

The quiet space. It has become a daily ritual to search for that quiet space. A space where I can go within and to let my mind and the incessant chattering take a breather and then something else walks in. It is wisdom that I find in those quiet times. I spend a lot of time meditating and it has worked magic in my life. I am more in control of whatever comes my way and fully capable of dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with. So the quiet space is a must in my daily existence.

Workouts – these are an absolute must. I workout seven days a week and when I do take a day off, I feel guilty! I find that giving your body the attention it needs is a must to living a good life.

“Your body will be around a lot longer than that expensive handbag. Invest in yourself.” Unknown

I’ve mentioned some of the things I need to live a good life. Of course, there are many more but not as important as the ones I’ve mentioned.

Daily writing prompt

What are the most important things needed to live a good life?

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LOVE (Archives)

It is elusive, it doesn’t always show up and when it does, it may not stay forever. That is a given but still we seek it, we want the feeling that says all is well, we are loved and protected AND we want it to paint our world in colors of the rainbow or whatever color love comes in. It doesn’t matter if it looks and feels like cubic zirconia, the shine is all that matters for a while anyways. The problem is, we seek this elusive commodity like a heat seeking missile but a warm willing body is not enough, it needs substance to keep it going and that’s where the iffiness, the wishy-washiness and dead as a doornail comes in.

Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? I’ll guarantee that all of us have at one time or another. I’ve taken that journey many times over. Each time, I tell myself I’ll do better the next time around and each time I watch the worthless relationship go up in flames. I’m like a gardener who had planted seeds and one who is waiting to see what the outcome would be. The hope is that all the care, energy and time would yield a bumper crop but no matter how hard I tried, that plant showed up poorly and died along the way. It got brown and shriveled and no amount of trying to revive it brought signs of life back into it. Yet, I held on because of the invested time, love and energy that had gone into it and I wanted some kind of return when there was none to be had.

It was time to let it go. Put it down to wasted energy, pull it out by the roots and make room for something new to grow. Something which is more conducive and is willing to grow under your care. Bad love like bad seeds are just that, there is no rescuing what doesn’t want to be rescued. LET IT GO.

Love is defined as, “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” verywellmind.com

If some of those behavior traits are missing and keeps on coming up missing, then you need to step back, reevaluate and weigh the consequences of such a relationship. Do not make an unworthy person a priority in your life and toxic relationships are just that, the poison starts slowly but it spreads quickly. Examples of toxic behavior are cheating and carrying on other relationships while in an ongoing relationship and pretending it is a covert operation. The liars and control freaks need to take a hike and those who show no respect for the person they’re with are a waste of time and space. Add to that the ones who can look you in the eye and swear that nothing is going on when you know otherwise should be shown the door quickly. No time should be wasted on them. If you’ve got one of these cubic zirconia types on your hands, remember life is too short for hoping and wishing, also remember you’re a diamond in the making so you have no time and energy to be wasted on fakes. Make room for someone who is willing to thrive in your garden and put yesterday’s mistakes behind you.

“Something I just recently learned was that chased love is not love. If you have to run after it, talk it into staying, remind it of your value, fight alone for the both of you, issue ultimatums, or test it, it is not love. It’s not love, it’s not happiness, it is not fair, it’s not healthy, the only thing it is…..is a waste of time.” Jessica James

I heard someone put it this way as well but not in exactly these words. Why do you have a junk car parked on your property when you’ve got a Ferrari circling your property? Have the wreck towed away and make room for the new, something better at best. Even if there isn’t anyone new on the horizon right now, give it time. In the meantime work on being a worthy person, worthy of love and one who deserves the best as far as love is concerned. Anything less is an absolute no-go!

“Some people will only come into your life to teach you what love is not. And when that happens, I hope you know when to walk away.” F. E. Marie

Have an amazing day.

This Friendship Thing (Archives)

Photo by Vija Rindo Pratama on Pexels.com

“Sometimes you need someone to be there for you. Not to fix the problem or offer advice or do anything in particular, but simply to be there. To show up. To be present with what you’re feeling. To see what you’re going through. To see you, understand you.” Unknown

Can men and women just be friends? This is the question that popped up, “When Harry Met Sally,” and sent some of us scrambling for answers. The answer as far as I’m concerned is that it is next to impossible in most cases.

I used to be the proverbial tomboy in my younger days and as such I had some wonderful friendships with the boys I hung out with. It was nothing sexual but of the innocent variety. I had my pigtails tucked under my cap and my ensemble of shorts and t-shirt had seen better days but I was for all purposes one of the boys.

It all changed when I turned sixteen. I got asked out on my first date. He was cute and I accepted. It was also the first time that I had worn my long hair down leaving it brushed and shiny and I wore a dress for the very first time! Lo and behold, things changed after that. I was no longer “one of the boys” but someone they wanted to dance with and spend time with. However, this friendship thing was still there. I learned that boys and later men make very good friends. There is none of the bitchiness, envy or jealousy, it was just straightforward, “I’m your friend,” stuff and all that it entails.

Later during my university days “friendship” with young men was still going strong. I had lots of men friends and although some were happy to be just a friend, others wanted more and that became complicated and made things difficult.

Now, I’m finding out that men are not as simple as they seem. There is a thing called, “friends with benefits,” and it is not my thing and never has been. I’m seeking the pure friendship variety like I used to know when life was simple and innocence was front and center. The problem is no matter how hard I try to make it clear right from the start it never fails before it starts heading in an unwanted direction. Not too long ago, I had this conversation with a male friend. We’ve known each other for quite some time and we’ve done walks, lunches and dinners but nothing more. Well, just a hug or a peck on the cheek as friends do. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Pyjama Party? We can watch some movies and just talk?

Him: I would like some snacks.

Me: Sure, I can get that.

I was thinking this is going great. Just some company with no hassles whatsoever!

Him: I don’t think I can do that!

Me: Why not?

Him: I CAN’T!”

Hmm…does everything have to be sexual? He was honest and that was a good thing but I wanted my good old days back and the reality is, those days have flown the coop!

Let me ask you:

“Can men and women ever just be friends?”

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” Ed Cunningham

Have an amazing day.

Disrespect (Archives)

It is defined as “insulting someone or displaying rude behavior by showing a lack of respect.”

Have you experienced it? I have and it is not a nice thing when faced with such behavior. There are three forms of disrespect. These are known as the passive, subtle and the blatant variety.

Passive disrespect is when someone is condescending, makes insulting insinuations, gives you the silent treatment, is sarcastic and doesn’t care if it is hurtful or not. How do you deal with this kind of disrespect?

Don’t take the bait and address the issue immediately.

Subtle disrespect is when someone mocks you, when they talk behind your back and they will pretend to have forgotten things you agreed on.

Show that it doesn’t affect you or decide if you want to engage. Name the disrespectful behavior you have observed and call them out on it. Have a conversation about it but do not lecture.

Blatant disrespect is the no holds barred variety. They go out of their way to deliberately undermine or demean you. Their actions are obvious and they don’t give a hoot if it hurts you.

Here again stay calm but it is hard to do. Use “I” statements when addressing the issue and ask for clarification. You can react with kindness but since that is almost impossible to do, call the person out on his or her behavior and set boundaries as to what you will or won’t tolerate.

If all else fails, you have the option of walking away and closing the door behind you. No one should put up with disrespect. Disrespect basically says, “You are not important and your feelings don’t matter to me.” The truth is, you are important and your feelings do matter. Do not tolerate disrespect of any kind.

Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter:

“The best way to end disrespect is by not giving them a chance to do it again.” Unknown

“Disrespect is the weapon of the weak.” Alice Miller

“Wasting somebody’s time may be the highest form of disrespect.” Unknown

I like the next one a lot.

“Never let your heart be so forgiving that it gets comfortable with disrespect.” Unknown

“Don’t put up with disrespect just to keep them in your life.” Sonya Parker

“Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.” Unknown

This last one needs a plaque of its own!

Detox Your Life in 4 Easy Steps

Eliminate anyone who:

Lies to you

Disrespects you

Uses you or

Puts you down.

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (2)

Stage 1: Falling in Love

“In the first stage of love, your hormones run the show. You flirt, get butterflies in your stomach and heart, toss your hair back often and laugh a lot more. Falling in love makes you glow. Full playfulness and passion, stage one of love, often called the honeymoon stage tends to be everyone’s favorite because it is fun.“

This is how Stage 1 looks like. You can talk for hours on the phone and it never gets old. There is lots of laughing and giggling and you have your rose-tinted glasses on. If there is a blemish the size of a rock on your face, it is invisible at this stage or airbrushed by the blossoming of something special. Time flies by on wings and it is never ever enough. You want more and even though red flags may crop up like a neon sign, you SEE and don’t want to see. It is also the stage of stupidity where your brain and intuition take a backseat and your heart takes over.

Stage 2: Getting Serious

“Enter stage two. You still make a good couple. You hold hands in the park and cuddle up together to watch a movie, but something has changed. You’ve moved in together, maybe even got married. That fun time has run its course and your relationship has entered the serious zone.“

You may have moved in together or maybe not. It could be headed in a more serious direction where the “M” word is bandied about. That rose-tinted glow is there but now grey is starting to seep in. You question his/her motives. When once that laugh was alluring, it now makes you grit your teeth. You see things you don’t like. Things like he doesn’t keep to his word or you’ve caught him in a lie or two. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all over the floor gets your goat. The glow is still there so it’s time to push it all under the rug. You say, “It’ll right itself out. After all, you’re not looking for perfect.” The serious zone is staring you in the face and you don’t want to rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie you say but you know that it could come back to bite you later.

Stage 3: What Happened?

“What happened? Did you fall out of love? By this point, all illusions have been stripped away. You find yourself arguing more. Romance seems like work and you can’t be bothered to squeeze in the time. You just want it to end. And most people do just that, end their relationship.“

This is the “make it” or “break it” phase. It is also the time to let it all hang out phase. Remember that in Stage 1 all was perfect or at least it seemed so. Nothing was out of place, not a hair, not a fake eyelash, perfect haircut, smelling good and NO inappropriate behavior. Now, it’s let it rip time and HOW! If you’re married, who cares is the attitude. Everything is allowed and I mean everything. He’s seen you many times over so why bother? Unkempt hair, less than perfect hygiene, let it all grow out if you know what I mean. He, in turn, lets it rip. Holding it in is no longer required, anywhere anytime is ok. One other thing I find fascinating is that men love talking to you when they are sitting on the throne! Something soothing perhaps? That smile is no longer alluring, those little quirks more than annoying and spending a few minutes talking equates to an hour and a half in your mind. I call this the end of time phase. It’s probably all downhill from here and most choose to end the relationship.

According to one source, there are five clear stages. They are honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment and acceptance. I’ve chosen to speak about three because not many make it past the adjustment phase. If you do, you’re one of the lucky ones. However, the fourth and fifth phase are hard to navigate. Most are either miserable wanting to get out or they’ve accepted their fate and are playing dead until their time is up!

I haven’t given up hope that I will make it to the last phase with a smile on my face and the right man by my side. I’m still working on finding him. Unfortunately, he seems to have lost his way and is nowhere to be found and TIME is running out! Fairy Godmother some help please! I could use your wand right about now!

Have an amazing day.

The “Me” Concept (Archives)

Who am I? Sounds simple enough but this is a hard one to answer. It encompasses all of you, the big picture so to speak. Who you are, what you stand for, what shaped you and the experiences that have made you, the “YOU” of today are all part and parcel of this concept. Understanding yourself is vital to how you interact with the world around you. There is only one YOU, and your identity is unique, It is made up of your values, your beliefs, your relationships and your experiences and that in a nutshell is who you are as a person.

However, interacting with the world around you is not always an easy thing to do. It is much bigger than you are and sometimes downright scary. Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter and might even help with where you are in the grand scheme of things as far as your world is concerned.

“Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase.” Unknown

One step at a time if you want to get somewhere and looking at that whole journey might just be a tad too overwhelming to say the least. Do it slowly and carefully and you’ll get there when the time is right.

“Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.” Unknown

Absolutely worth taking a note of. How often do we hang around people who make us feel less than we are? It is time to clean house and start afresh with people worthy of your company.

“The problem isn’t that your friends aren’t showing up for you…

The problem is that you’re still calling them friends.” Unknown

“You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Choose carefully” Unknown

How true? Choose your friends carefully and the rest will fall into place.

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story,

LEAVE.” Mo Willems

If something is not working and it becomes a struggle, change your strategy. You are not stuck where you are, there is always a way out to start anew.

“She wanted something else, something different, something more, passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.” Nicholas Sparks

There you have it. Stop being the option and start being the priority. Stop choosing people who do not choose you.

Understand this….

“You can sound confident and have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel like shit. You can look happy and be miserable inside. You can be good looking and feel ugly. So be kind, because every person is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Unknown

JUST BE KIND

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

This actually speaks to the whole concept of who you are. What you do eventually becomes your character. Choose wisely and do the right thing.

“Learn to be done with people, not mad, not bothered but just done.” Unknown

This is hard for someone like me. It takes a lot to say I am done but I am learning. Sometimes it is a matter of survival the choices you make. Choose wisely.

“In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end. She simply changed directions and kept going.” Unknown

This last one is poignant. I am on a journey of self-discovery and self-development and in so doing I am learning to give up what does not serve me, to change directions and to move towards what does. Not always easy I know but this is where self-awareness and self-worth comes in to guide you and to make it just a little less scarier than it is.

Have an amazing day.

Another Risk Question?!!

I’m not a risk-taker and I’m cautious to boot which is not good for risk taking. I have one friend who takes risks gleefully, it is what makes her life worth living, the unknown is fun for her. I, on the other hand, look at everything twice, dissect the situation to bits, and even then I step back and say no way am I doing that! Still it finds me, the aftermath of risk taking that is and not of the good variety either.

One situation comes to mind. I was in Asia and it was late at night, close to midnight I think. Someone told me that there was an easier way of getting back to where I needed to go and instead of taking a taxi, I decided to take a bus. They didn’t tell me that it would involve standing alone at a bus stop in front of a cemetery! It was dark, there was no traffic going up and down the road and it was spooky! I could hear movement behind me and I could feel the hair standing up on the back of my neck. Luckily the bus came and I got on with no problems. Was there something out there in the darkness? More specifically was it human or other-worldly? I’ll never know and I don’t want to know!

It was a risk I took and I learned my lesson to never do it again! I think that I have a good head on my shoulders and I look carefully before I jump and I have taken that proverb to heart and will continue to do so in all aspects of my life. Call it boring or whatever but it works to keep me out of trouble.

Daily writing prompt

When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?

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The Benefits of Meditation

“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.” Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati

An important quote that speaks to the importance of quieting the mental chatter that runs rampant in our daily lives. Meditation takes us back to the quiet within. It is a practice that tames the mind and one that gives us access to deeper wisdom and intuition.

In Buddhism, “meditation is a core practice that involves training the mind to achieve a state of calmness, clarity, and insight, ultimately leading towards enlightenment and liberation from suffering.”

It has been said that the Buddha meditated for 49 days under the Bodhi tree to gain enlightenment, however, we don’t have to take it to that extreme to reap the benefits. Starting out with 10 minutes a day helps to quiet some of the chatter. I do 30 minutes a day. Find a quiet space, sit down with legs crossed, if that is next to impossible, you can sit with legs outstretched. Close your eyes and go within. Concentrating on the Third Eye Chakra helps to keep unwanted thoughts at bay. They will enter, it’s only normal, acknowledge and let go. Where’s the Third Eye Chakra? It is located in the center of the forehead between the eyebrows. It is said to regulate sleep and some say it has “the ability to see beyond the physical realm and access deeper levels of consciousness.”

All fine and good but my goal is to quiet the mind, give it respite from the constant chatter and to smack it down from the constant negative self-talk as well. Meditation has helped me to do just that. Combine meditation with deep breathing and you have a sleep-inducer of the highest order! Take a deep breath to the count of four and release to the count of six or eight. It works wonders. Don’t get agitated if your mind does hoops and refuses to settle down, given time it will. Patience is required so don’t give up too quickly. I started out with 10 minutes of meditation and have worked my way to 30 minutes a day. It is doable.

“Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet. It’s a way of entering into the quiet that’s already there.” Deepak Chopra

AND

“The goal of meditation isn’t to control your thoughts, it’s to stop letting them control you.” Unknown

Have an amazing day

The Dating Scene

Photo by Ana Alice Azevedo on Pexels.com

Going out on dates makes me very nervous. I hate the whole prep work leading up to the date. What to wear? Hair up or down? Casual or dressy? Makeup? I don’t wear heavy-duty makeup, just a touch of powder and lipstick so that is easy. However, everything comes into play and it makes me very nervous. I think more than anything else, I don’t want to be out there and that is the biggest problem.

I was married for a long time and when it got blown to bits, I had to make a choice. Stay single or put myself out there again. In the beginning, it was even fun. Meeting up for lunch or dinner was okay after the initial awkwardness. The dates usually turned out fine but I think I was the problem. If I got asked out again, I would come up with excuses. Then there was the problem of setting boundaries. I wanted to be friends but they wanted more. It turned out to be a big problem for me. If they gave me a compliment, I would get nervous. If they looked at me a certain way, I would cringe and wonder why. If they went “Whoa!” I would say, “What?!!” Add the “don’t touch policy” I came up with and you get the picture. It was a horror scenario.

I am single still (no wonder you might say) and a recluse to boot! I hate to say it but I love the freedom of not having to wonder what they are thinking, what they want and what they expect from me. Nervousness is on the backburner for now but there is a price to pay. I am alone most days but not lonely. I do want a guy in my life at some point but for now I’m not in a rush. When the time is right, he’ll show up BUT I don’t want to do the work for it. Pick the perfect guy from the crowd and drop him in my lap and I’ll be just fine!

Daily writing prompt

What makes you nervous?

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Unwinding After a Demanding Day

Those high-pressurized days are over with. I’ve taken time off to concentrate on writing and I have all the time in the world to work on what I’m working on. No more churning out articles to meet deadlines and all the pressure that comes with it. These days the only form of stress that comes my way is dealing with what needs to be fixed around the house, Chachi, the cat’s demands, and stress of my own making!

So if that happens my go to method of unwinding is to take a walk in the garden which is geared for relaxation. It has a whimsical quality about it and just watching the butterflies fleeting from flower to flower is soothing and calming. Listening to the birds is something that helps me unwind as well. The bedroom is an oasis for relaxation and it is kept dark and cool. I never have the heat on in the bedroom, I like it cold with lots of blankets! Sometimes listening to music helps but nothing jarring. It has to be soft and mood inducing. If that fails, stand-up comedy helps to bring out the laughter and this definitely does the job of soothing a frazzled nerve.

Meditation and yoga are two of my current methods of winding down for the evening. I’ve always turned to yoga but took a break after hurting myself doing a pretzel move! No more twisting and turning or headstands for that matter. These days I listen to my body so 30 minutes of slow languid moves helps to tone the body, calm the mind and to restore the soul. Meditation and deep breathing combined are major when it comes to getting ready for bed. It never fails to calm my mind and to put it to bed. Not always an easy thing to do since my mind has a mind of its own!

Daily writing prompt

How do you unwind after a demanding day?

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