learning – Page 2 – Site Title

The Problem Makers

There are problem makers and then there are problem makers.

“Avoid people who mess with your head. Avoid people who intentionally and repeatedly do and say things that they know upset you. Avoid people who expect you to prioritize them but refuse to prioritize you. Avoid people who can’t and won’t apologize sincerely. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.” Unknown

AND

“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it is with themselves.” Unknown

I’ve met some of those people along the way and they are the people problem makers. However, there is another kind of problem making that is much more incendiary and if allowed to, it has the power to drive you insane at times and at other times, you wonder if you’re coming or going. I’m talking about the “what if” scenarios that we are so capable of creating in our minds. The destructive kind.

“What ifs” have the potential to bring you down if used too often. It leads to heightened anxiety, it appears replaying unwanted scenarios in your head and it is known to erode self-confidence and it brings about self-doubt.

“What” and “if” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.” Unknown

What if? What if? What if?

“Change your what ifs to even ifs and stop giving power to worry.” Mya Ramirez.

I had a heart-to-heart with someone close yesterday and the conversation centered around all the “what ifs.” What if things go wrong?” What if the outcome is not what I want?” “What if changes are coming?” You guessed it, those questions were all coming from my side. He listened quietly and asked, “Why are you so afraid and WHY are you having all these checkups done? Whatever comes, it comes.” He has this que sera sera attitude about life and whatever comes his way, he lets it roll over like water over a duck’s back. He seems to be living a worry-free life with that attitude of his. I, on the other hand, jump at every problem and let it take me for a ride for as long as it wants to. The end result, total exhaustion and a frazzled mind.

The talk did some good. It made me step back from my doomsday, “What if” scenarios and to take a good hard look at my problem and to come up with some positive solutions. One of those solutions is not to jump the gun. My worries will not change a thing but my efforts at doing what is necessary to minimize the damage may put a positive spin on the whole thing.

“The what-if’s and the should-have’s will eat your brain.” John O’Callaghan

And if by chance the same old question creeps around, this next quote might just help.

“What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (4)

THE HUNTER:

I’ve written about the different types of men you’ll encounter on dating portals in several of my posts. The narcissists, the players, the control freaks, the users, the sugar daddies and such, but there is one more and I call him the hunter.

Someone who uses the “hunter” behavior is proactive in starting relationships. If they are interested in you, they’ll initiate the chase. Their goal is to win over their potential prey and they’ll go to great lengths to make sure it happens. They’ll use everything in their arsenal and this includes nice dinners, gifts, flowers, sweet nothings whispered in your ear and making you feel like you’re the best thing since sliced bread!

However, this type also sees “dating” as a game or a challenge. They’re not interested in the real you or in building a deep, lasting connection. You’re nothing more than the pursued to the pursuer. It is all about the excitement of the “hunt.” The initial attraction may take off in leaps and bounds until you become the prize. However, if you’re looking for “forevers,” this guy is not it. He prefers the chase, bagging the prize and when he’s had enough and hears the call of the wild again, he’s off and running to his next victim.

The problem is you don’t matter to the hunter. It’s a game and breaking a heart or two along the way is not going to be a stumbling block for him. All it takes is another woman walking in and one who blinks in his direction and he sees HOPE. Hope of another conquest, hope of the excitement of the chase and hopes that that first kiss will send his adrenaline sky-rocketing. If you’re in such a relationship, let the loser go. Heartbreaking? It is.

Leave the “hunters” to their own viles and look for someone who sees you as a person and not just as a prey!

I think this quote below explains it well.

Ladies, if you have to ask a man, “So what are we?” or “Where is this relationship going?” The answer is nowhere.

Men by nature are hunters and go for what they want. If he wanted you to be his wife, he would have proposed.

If he wanted you to be his lady, he would have asked you.

Men go hard for what they truly want. If he is not going hard for you, you are not what he wants.

Unfortunately, this thing is also called love but it definitely is not the right kind of love. Keep that in mind the next time you meet one of these guys with their pistols cocked! Tell them to take a hike from the get go.

Have an amazing day.

Anxiety

According to Wikipedia, it is defined as “an emotion characterised by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil and includes feelings of dread over anticipated events.”

Panic attacks, on the other hand, “are sudden periods of intense fear and discomfort that may include palpitations, otherwise defined as a rapid, irregular heartbeat, sweating, chest pain or discomfort, shortness of breath, trembling, dizziness, numbness, confusion, or a sense of impending doom or loss of control.”

These are not very nice emotions but I’m sure that you’ve experienced them at some point in your life and in my case, “anxiety” visits more often than I want it to. Not to a crippling degree but when it does, I want it to leave like an unwanted visitor who is not welcomed to stay.

According to verywellmind.com, there is a simple technique to take the power away from anxiety. They call it the 333 rule. This rule is said to be a gamechanger on how to manage anxiety.

Notice three things you can see around you. Observe the objects carefully. Note the details, colors, and shapes. This process helps to shift your focus from internal anxiety to your external environment.

Listen closely. Identify three sounds you can hear. They could be loud or subtle sounds and concentrate on them. This also takes your focus away from the internal turmoil and puts it on something else.

Move three parts of your body. Roll your shoulders, wiggle your toes or just turn your head. Pay attention to the sensations caused by each movement.

Repeat all three as many times as necessary until you feel calm and collected.

If that fails, then here are some quotes to get you on the way.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Anne Lamott

I love this one. Unplugging in my case means going within to a place of quiet. Meditation is my go to method and breathing techniques are another way of quieting the mind and to let nirvana reign.

“Anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.” Jodi Picoult

True. You’ve got to move meaning you’ve got to do the work to get rid of anxiety. You can choose to sit still and “rock” but staying still in one spot is not going to do it. Anxiety needs action.

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

Taking a breath and letting go has worked but not always. The “see what happens” part scares me but it’s worth a try.

“Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room –it’s the only one you hear.” Unknown

Shut it down, make room for the stillness to come in and take a step in the right direction, one step at a time. If all else fails, put an “out of order sign on your forehead” and retreat. Let anxiety go through you. It’ll find its way out in a little while, it always does.

LET GO OF CONTROL AND KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN.

Have an amazing day.

Helicopter Whirring!

A friend sent me an article yesterday and it irritated me to no end! I felt my hackles rise but honestly, there was some truth to the article and later, much later, I realized that maybe, just maybe I was one of them.

LET’S DEFINE HELICOPTER PARENTING

“A term for parents who hover over their kids, always ready to swoop in and solve every problem. They’re over-attentive and overly fearful of their child’s experiences and challenges.”

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

I was and still am overly-protective of the little guy although he is not so little anymore. Divorce and being a single mom threw my world, my regimented world, into one that could only be described as helter-skelter! Trying to find order where there was none was a big problem. Learning to swim again after being thrown in the deep end of the pool was next to impossible and bring “parenting” into such a situation and you’ve got “helicopter parenting” in the making, in my case anyway. I wanted to protect him from the pain, the anger, the confusion, the despair and a whole host of other emotions that I couldn’t control but I could make it easier with the love I showered on him. Bring fear of the unknown into the picture and I was “warrior mom” ready to go up against anyone who so much as sneezed in his direction! However, it didn’t stop me from teaching him what is right and wrong, to stand up for himself, and to be a good and decent human being.

He has been on his own for the last five or six years, studying and taking care of things on his own. I have been there every step of the way but from a distance! It was HARD but I made it somehow. Last year, he finished up with a better than average grade and I couldn’t have been prouder. Then came the tedious task of looking for a job and never having worked a day in his life made it harder still. He took it all in stride and landed two jobs. The first one paid well but involved travel and lots of stress! He opted for the second one at a five-star hotel. He made his choice and he has been working at the hotel for two months now. Just recently, there was an incident involving a guest high on drugs and in possession of a gun! The old me screamed with fear within but I listened as he talked. It turned out that he handled it like a pro!

Early this morning, the phone rang. It was 1:30 a.m. and I knew it couldn’t be anything good. Sure enough, he said, “I’ve locked myself out of the apartment!” I gulped and the old “helicopter mom” would have asked, “How can I help?’ Instead, I let him talk. He explained he had called the building superintendent and he was on the way. Half an hour later, he was back in his apartment.

“I think that instead of helicoptering our kids, we should be strapping some parachutes on their backs made out of things like common sense, kindness, and courage.

Then we should teach them to jump.” Unknown

And be ready to catch them if the parachute fails!

Honestly, I think I did a good job of raising this young man. Sure, there are things I could have done better but he’s on his way and that is all that matters. Next week, he has his second interview after acing the first one. This could be his forever job. Fingers and toes crossed AND I’m leaving the “helicopter” in the cupboard like the friend asked me too!

This Moment in Time (Archives)

If you think about it, this moment in time is all we have. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is looming somewhere in the distance but today, more specifically, this very moment is where we exist.

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” Bill Waterson

Are you in a safe place? Are you protected? Are you at peace? These are things which matter.

I overthink and it is mostly about the past and then I jump to the future. It is an erratic pattern of thoughts and I am well aware of what I’m doing but still I persist. Last night, I decided to reel in all my jumbled up thoughts because they were causing another sleepless night and then started looking at each one individually and realized that I was dabbling in things I cannot change. The past is done with and the future is unknown. I looked at the moment I was in and realized I was safe, I was warm and I had a roof over my head. I had Chachi, the cat, cuddled up next to me and the world, for the here and now, was a peaceful place. I stayed there for awhile and like a lullaby, it rocked me to sleep.

The moments count. They define our psyche and being in several places in one time does not help matters much. Having one foot in the past and one in the future is not going to do it. Stay in the here and now. What are you doing now? It matters. Trying to put the past, the future and everything else in one basket is a sure fire way to disaster. Sort it out. Make peace with the past, learn the lessons you need to learn and then close the door behind you. The future will be determined by what you do today. Give it loving care, your attention, and maybe, just maybe a brighter tomorrow is around the corner. We can only hope.

Why is being in the present moment so important?

According to powerfullyyou.org, “it can decrease the activities of your nervous system, reduce stress, and help you to feel more regulated.” Tony Robbins says, “it allows you to focus all of your energy on the task at hand.” He further adds, “where focus goes, energy flows.”

Easier said than done? I agree. My mind loves jumping around. It’s like a “monkey” which loves to climb, run, twist and do whatever is necessary to keep me from the task at hand and it often succeeds. It is going to take lots of practice before the “monkey” learns to behave! There is still hope.

LET THE MOMENTS COUNT!

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (2)

Stage 1: Falling in Love

“In the first stage of love, your hormones run the show. You flirt, get butterflies in your stomach and heart, toss your hair back often and laugh a lot more. Falling in love makes you glow. Full playfulness and passion, stage one of love, often called the honeymoon stage tends to be everyone’s favorite because it is fun.“

This is how Stage 1 looks like. You can talk for hours on the phone and it never gets old. There is lots of laughing and giggling and you have your rose-tinted glasses on. If there is a blemish the size of a rock on your face, it is invisible at this stage or airbrushed by the blossoming of something special. Time flies by on wings and it is never ever enough. You want more and even though red flags may crop up like a neon sign, you SEE and don’t want to see. It is also the stage of stupidity where your brain and intuition take a backseat and your heart takes over.

Stage 2: Getting Serious

“Enter stage two. You still make a good couple. You hold hands in the park and cuddle up together to watch a movie, but something has changed. You’ve moved in together, maybe even got married. That fun time has run its course and your relationship has entered the serious zone.“

You may have moved in together or maybe not. It could be headed in a more serious direction where the “M” word is bandied about. That rose-tinted glow is there but now grey is starting to seep in. You question his/her motives. When once that laugh was alluring, it now makes you grit your teeth. You see things you don’t like. Things like he doesn’t keep to his word or you’ve caught him in a lie or two. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up and leaving clothes all over the floor gets your goat. The glow is still there so it’s time to push it all under the rug. You say, “It’ll right itself out. After all, you’re not looking for perfect.” The serious zone is staring you in the face and you don’t want to rock the boat. Let sleeping dogs lie you say but you know that it could come back to bite you later.

Stage 3: What Happened?

“What happened? Did you fall out of love? By this point, all illusions have been stripped away. You find yourself arguing more. Romance seems like work and you can’t be bothered to squeeze in the time. You just want it to end. And most people do just that, end their relationship.“

This is the “make it” or “break it” phase. It is also the time to let it all hang out phase. Remember that in Stage 1 all was perfect or at least it seemed so. Nothing was out of place, not a hair, not a fake eyelash, perfect haircut, smelling good and NO inappropriate behavior. Now, it’s let it rip time and HOW! If you’re married, who cares is the attitude. Everything is allowed and I mean everything. He’s seen you many times over so why bother? Unkempt hair, less than perfect hygiene, let it all grow out if you know what I mean. He, in turn, lets it rip. Holding it in is no longer required, anywhere anytime is ok. One other thing I find fascinating is that men love talking to you when they are sitting on the throne! Something soothing perhaps? That smile is no longer alluring, those little quirks more than annoying and spending a few minutes talking equates to an hour and a half in your mind. I call this the end of time phase. It’s probably all downhill from here and most choose to end the relationship.

According to one source, there are five clear stages. They are honeymoon, uncertainty, adjustment, commitment and acceptance. I’ve chosen to speak about three because not many make it past the adjustment phase. If you do, you’re one of the lucky ones. However, the fourth and fifth phase are hard to navigate. Most are either miserable wanting to get out or they’ve accepted their fate and are playing dead until their time is up!

I haven’t given up hope that I will make it to the last phase with a smile on my face and the right man by my side. I’m still working on finding him. Unfortunately, he seems to have lost his way and is nowhere to be found and TIME is running out! Fairy Godmother some help please! I could use your wand right about now!

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (1)

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

By now, you know that most of my posts center around this thing called love. It’s because I have my fact-finding shoes on and I want to find out what it is all about.

It is elusive, that’s for sure. It morphs and never stays the same, that’s another aspect. It shows up when you least expect it and it doesn’t stay for long. It is loving and all-consuming but when things go south, it takes off on winged feet. This is my experience as far as love is concerned.

Poor you? Not really. It is daunting this task of finding “real love” but my curiosity is aroused and I’m not going to settle for anything less than the real kind. Curiosity killed the cat, you say? Well, Chachi, the cat, is doing pretty well in that respect and he’s wearing the Einstein hat now!

Someone said to me it is not about ego or attitude yesterday. I totally agree. However, it is not about accepting everyone who walks in the door and placing the “love tag” on them either. That’s a surefire way to disaster. One person called me complicated, well, more than one but who’s counting! Complicated in this case means I’m not willing to accept what is offered. It’s more like the caveman variety. “Here I am woman take me! I like you so no more wasting time and no more discussion. Let’s get down to business!” Nope, that won’t work. I am too emancipated for that BS! Call me complicated all you want but you’re out the door!

I live in a small village that time forgot. The marriages here last a very long time. Have they found the secret to a long and happy love life? Not really. It is based on convenience. Its more like, “I provide and you pander.” Get the picture? These marriages last for a very long time but they are miserable together. One prime example was my in-laws. They were married for decades and they boasted about the longevity of their relationship, however, fights were a part of their daily existence. When he died, she mourned his loss. I wondered if she was mourning the loss of the person or what she was accustomed to, that of nagging and bickering all day long. Perhaps, it was addicting but is that real love?

Someone else said, “If you find it, hold on to it.” I definitely plan to do that. In my journey so far, I’m finding that “love” comes disguised in all its wishy-washy forms but if you want the real kind, you’ve got to take your time, know what you will settle for and what you won’t and don’t be afraid to discard if it’s not what you’re looking for. It takes courage, it takes a single-minded focus and it takes walking the road less traveled. Shut out the noise around you. The one that says, “You can’t do this,” but more specifically the one that roars, “You’ll wind up alone!” I say, “better alone than with the wrong person.”

“Unless it’s mad, passionate or extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life: Love shouldn’t be one of them.” Unknown

AND

“There is no such thing as love, you just happen to bump into someone who laughs at your jokes, likes the way you’re face is and accepts the way you look at the world. Love isn’t real, only two human beings coincidentally lonely at the same moment in time.”

What do you think? Some truth to that assumption?

Have an amazing day.

Groundhog’s Day (Archives)

This particular phenomenon is defined as “a situation in which the same usually negative or monotonous experiences occur repeatedly or are felt to occur repeatedly with no change or correction.”

In the movie, Phil (Bill Murray), a weatherman finds himself trapped in a time warp and he is doomed to relive the same day over and over again UNTIL he gets it right.

“If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.” Peter Drucker

Ever felt like you’re reliving an experience over and over again? I have and it is not only a bad feeling but getting off that roller coaster is sometimes hard to do. I’ve asked myself why am I here again? Did I not work through this already? I thought I was heading towards something better but it is the same old runaround and the same old Deja Vu feeling.

“Life is from the inside out. When you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside.” Kamal Ravikant

Perhaps that right there is the problem in a nutshell. I did not shift or change from the inside but was just pretending like I had. According to http://www.boro.ac.uk, the reason can be found in the way our “brain processes information and creates templates that we refer to again and again. The templates are essentially shortcuts, which help us make decisions in the real world. They are known as heuristics and they make us repeat our errors.”

Too complicated? I think so too. Another expert had this to say: “the neural pathways are programmed such that every time we remember a past mistake, the brain heads back down the previous pathway.”

Oh God, this is even worse! I don’t want my brain remembering every mistake I made! The goal is to never repeat those mistakes again. However, no matter how hard I try I feel like the proverbial horse being led to drink from a pond I don’t want to. Perhaps, I have no control over the matter because those mistakes have already been pre-programmed into my inner core and there is nothing I can do about it. If that is the case, it is Groundhog’s Day over and over again. How awful is that?!!

It is time to make some drastic changes. The moral of Groundhog’s Day was:

“If you’re tired of reliving the same day repeatedly, something must change – and it’s up to you.”

According to the experts, if you’re finding yourself in “bad” relationships then recognizing “those past relationship mistakes and patterns can make a big difference in your future.” How do you stop making those same mistakes? Are there certain patterns or specific types who are not good for you?

Here are some problem-solvers:

Make small changes. Humans are creatures of habit and therefore comfortable with what is not necessarily good for us. Change doesn’t happen overnight but breaking those negative patterns one piece at a time might lead you in the right direction.

Practice self-care and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made. Bad relationships can damage your self-esteem so be extra kind and gentle to yourself. Meditate, exercise, do yoga but more importantly take all that wasted energy and dedicate it to yourself.

Give yourself time to heal – don’t jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to heal.

Then there are three basic attachment styles: Insecure-avoidant, Insecure-anxious and Securely attached. The first two struggle and see themselves as being not enough. Both these types struggle with vulnerability. The Securely-attached might have the same problems as the first two but they embrace their vulnerability and are ready to accept and receive comfort, security and safety which helps to quiet the negative voices within them. Unfortunately, I belong to the first two attachment types. All fine and good but how do I outsmart my brain and get rid of that template which keeps bringing me back to the same place over and over again? I know that this is going to be a long process and a hard journey but I am bent on breaking the cycle. It is time to move on and to get it right!

“You are the author of your own story. If you don’t like where this chapter is going, it’s OK to start a new one.”

BUT, I like this one better.

“Life is tough my darling, but so are you.” Stephanie Bennett Henry

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY

Glennon Doyle (Archives)

She is an American author and queer activist and her podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” won two webby awards. She is empowering, inspirational and her quotes speak to and touch the heart. It has been said that when Glennon Doyle speaks, women listen and I’m one of those women.

“When a women finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself.”

Exactly where I’m at now.

“I looked hard at my faith, my friendships, my work, my sexuality, my entire life and asked, “How much of this was my idea? Who was I before I became who the world told me to be?”

I’ve asked myself the self-same question and the answer is, I was free as a bird!

“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been. There is no map, we are all pioneers.”

“I do not adjust myself to please the world. I am myself wherever I am, and I let the world adjust.”

I know this journey well. I am in the midst of it.

“I have met my self and I am going to care for her fiercely.”

Doing exactly that and I am seeing the benefits.

“We think our job as humans is to avoid pain, our job as parents is to protect our children from pain, and our job as friends is to fix each other’s pain. Maybe that’s why we all feel like failures so often – because we all have the wrong job description for love.”

This one made me stop in my tracks and to take a good hard look at what I’m doing.

“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day.”

Beautifully said. What’s inside makes you shine on the outside and it can beat physical beauty hands down.

“Reading is my inhale and writing is my exhale.”

I haven’t done much inhaling lately but boy am I exhaling!

Have an amazing day and YOU ARE ENOUGH!

What I Learned in High School?

What did I learn in high school? I remember it was hectic, I was learning to adjust again and I was learning to take responsibility for my actions. I also learned that if I applied myself diligently I would get good grades and if I didn’t well I would have trouble at home!

Besides that, I met the ‘devil’ in the form of my Math teacher! I was teacher’s pet as far as the English teacher was concerned but the Math teacher was something else. He taught me how to hate Math with my whole being! He would say to me, “Tia, if only you were as good in Math as you are in English but you are not!” So I decided to get better. I would copy the answers from this good-looking boy in my class. The problem was I would have the workings all wrong but I had correct answers! Proud of myself, I would hand it in only to have this guy call me to the front of the class telling me to explain how I came up with the answers. He made Math class a living nightmare! Dad wasn’t any better. He was a Math whizz so he couldn’t understand why I was so dumb! The both of them together added to my disdain of Math and all things that had to do with that horrible subject.

I realize I could have been a whizz too if only they had gone about it a different way. So I learned to hate Math in high school. Not a big loss because I found out later that I had it in me, and I could do the basics pretty well but anything complicated and my brain shuts down! Numbers are not words and that is another problem right there!

Daily writing prompt

Describe something you learned in high school.

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