love – Page 11 – Site Title

A Long Night

I had prepared for a peaceful night but it didn’t turn out that way. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. We had a really hot day here yesterday and everything was starting to feel sticky including yours truly. I had my evening shower as usual. donned my BIG t-shirt and was feeling pretty good when I heard Chachi, the cat gagging. It was a low sound but one I had heard many times before.

I waited and listened instead of running out there to see what was wrong. It’s my new way of handling things. I’ve put my “helicopter” away and I’m learning not to jump at everything that comes my way and to offer assistance right away. My two boys, my Chachi and my son, are learning that mom is taking a step back and not jumping at every little thing, but it is a hard thing to do from my end.

Anyway, after a few minutes Chachi walked into the room, his face a little drawn and his “macho pants” nowhere to be seen. He meowed softly and looked at me with a look I didn’t understand. Picking him up and walking out to the landing I noticed a puddle of vomit on the floor. He felt warm to the touch as well but I put it down to the heatwave we’ve been having. Suddenly, he made those weird noises again, jumped out of my arms and threw up again. Alarm bells started going off. I wear many hats but the “mom hat” is one I take very seriously. It was time to get the big guns out, I reached for my iPhone and started Googling! I usually have everything at my fingertips where Google is concerned and sure enough, it told me what to do and then to watch how the situation progresses.

I put out lots of water in case he was dehydrated. I also put out a bowl with some soup, cat soup, for moments like this. He sniffed it and looked at me with a look that said: “Are you kidding me?!! I’m not touching that thing with a ten foot pole!” So that was a no go. Then I realized I had something that would settle an upset stomach. A tube that contained some thick green paste and it helps with gastrointestinal problems as well. Cat stuff again. I gave him some of that and he took it without a struggle. Then he went missing! Finally I found him under the bed. Another clear signal that he wasn’t feeling well according to Google.

After an hour or two, he crawled out and headed straight to his food. He ate the wet stuff but not the soup. Then he went to use the toilet and came back in looking a tad better. I decided it was cuddle time so we cuddled and he went quiet and then the snoring started! I stayed up listening to that sound and the soft heaving of his stomach and kept my fingers crossed that all was well in his world again.

This morning, he woke me up at 5:30 a.m. and was ready to go. Time doesn’t matter in his world, it’s all the same to him. He seems to be none the worse for wear and whatever was bugging him has taken a hike. I hope it stays that way for the rest of the day and “mommy” can get some well-deserved rest!

Have an amazing day.

Empathy

It is defined as, “the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”

An empath has the ability to truly understand other people’s feelings, however a narcissist, on the other hand, is only able to show empathy when they feel in control and their self-esteem is enhanced but since they are masters at exploitation, it is more likely they show no empathy at all. Not everyone is capable of being empathetic but that doesn’t mean you are narcissistic, just that it’s hard to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” Alfred Adler

There are conflicting thoughts on whether empathy is a learned or a genetic trait. Some experts say it is “something we develop over time and in relationship to our social environment while others feel that it is “something we develop through our upbringing and life experiences – it is also partly inherited.” Then again there are those who say that in 95% of people, it is a learned trait like other human traits such as respect, kindness and honesty.

Whatever the case maybe, I feel it is hard to have proper connections if you lack this all important trait. I’ve met many people who totally lacked empathy and they came across as cold and stone-hearted individuals. They let nothing pierce the armor they wore and it was hard to tell if that was part of their DNA or a facade they wore to protect themselves from showing their vulnerable side.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia

Empathy is a lost art these days. In a world where we spend most of our time hooked to our gadgets be it an iPhone, cell phones, computers or social media, feeling with our hearts is next to impossible when everything is done with a swipe of one thing or another. When was the last time you really paid attention to someone close? When was the last time you really looked at a stranger and made eye contact? Or when was the last time you stepped into their shoes to experience what they were going through? Empathy is needed in a world where most things are superficial and going heart-deep is a really difficult thing to do.

This message came through when I met my girlfriend, the one who is never on time, for our usual breakfast meet. This time around it wasn’t centered around small talk, instead we had a heart to heart. She had suffered a stroke two years ago and her face droops on one side. She said, “I wish there is something I can do about it,” in a sad voice. It went straight to my heart. I felt her pain as I listened and let her talk. When she finished, I could see that the “listening” had helped. Her voice sounded lighter.

This is Empathy: Let me hold the door for you. I may have never walked a mile in your shoes, but I can see that your soles are worn and your strength is torn under the weight of a story I have never lived before. So let me hold the door for you. After all you’ve walked through, it’s the least I can do.” Morgan Harper Nichols

LET ME HOLD THE DOOR FOR YOU. Sometimes that is all it takes to walk that journey, to feel what someone is going through and to say, let me hold the door for you.

Have an amazing day.

One Favorite Moment

Photo by Jean-Daniel Francoeur on Pexels.com

It’s hard to say since I have so many of them. Beautiful sunsets, walks on the beach in different countries, the birth of my son, the first time he called me mommy and so many more. All hold a special place in my heart and will stay there forever as special or favorite moments. However, there is one moment that has never tarnished and remains as clear as day even after so many years.

It was my first kiss. Did I get your attention? A love story? It was. I was 21 when I got my first kiss. What? Try living a normal life in a very strict Christian family. Mom used to say, “I have eyes at the back of my head and I can see everything you’re up to.” That put the fear of the devil in me, that and the fact that I was saving myself for marriage.

Anyway, he walked into my life and I was a goner! He was tall and handsome with piercing green eyes. Half Algerian and half French. Yes, quite a combination. If that wasn’t enough, he was a pilot, a captain no less. The fact that he was as old as my dad didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He didn’t see the sign plastered across my forehead either that said, “Saving myself for marriage.” He was a seasoned playboy. The two do not mix. Anyway, the first time I saw him in uniform I held up the, “I am in love!” flag. I didn’t know what it meant only that he was beautiful to look at and he made my breath catch in my throat! Looks mattered back then.

Our first date was fantastic. We had eyes only for each other. Then we took a walk on the beach and with a thousand or a million stars shining above and….wait for it….he kissed me. I felt like I was drowning, dying, flying and everything in between! I was putty in his hands but he sensed something and asked, “Your first kiss? Unbelievable.” It was a long walk back to the car but something was changing within me. It wasn’t just a moment, it was a new beginning. One that I have never forgotten.

What happened to him? We dated but like I said earlier, playboy and an innocent do not mix. I held on to my beliefs and he couldn’t change who he was. We went our separate ways. However, my first kiss was one of my favorite moments of a lifetime. I stayed up there for three days after that kiss. Just flying around in heaven somewhere!

Daily writing prompt

Describe one of your favorite moments.

View all responses

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND (Archives)

“Best Friends (circa 1910) Fred” by Museum of New Zealand/ CC0 1.0

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale

How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to give their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and I have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning my self-worth as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.

Invest in Yourself

This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money in so many materialistic things but in our rush to please ourselves, we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or a pedicure, and no it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.

Invest in your Environment

Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.

Get Rid of the Unwanted

This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.

Say this to yourself and mean it.

“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown

Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life will get easier.

How to be your own best friend:

“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.

Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”

Cry when you need to.

Give yourself a hug.

Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.

Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown

Good luck and I am on the self-same journey. See you on the other side.

Have an amazing day.

The Leopard’s Spots

The definition of “a leopard never changes its spots” is this. “It signifies that people cannot fundamentally alter their character, even if they try. It also implies that innate traits, whether good or bad, remain fixed.”

Have you met one or two along the way? Did you choose to tango with them and in so doing lose a part of yourself? You’re not the only one. They’re out there and like the predator that they are, they’ll feed on you if you let them.

They are the liars, the cheaters and the ones who march to a different drumbeat. Not one of integrity, honesty or decency like people with good behavior traits do, rather they’ve learned they can prey on someone and when they’ve had their fill they’ll move on to the next victim with no consequences whatsoever.

“A leopard never changes his spots….he just changes what tree he sleeps in….or who he sleeps with.” Unknown

Are you hanging on to someone who doesn’t deserve your loyalty? Has he shown you his “spots” but you refuse to see them? Are you hoping that in time he’ll change? Or are you praying that you’ll be the one to change him?

STEP BACK!

Those behavior traits are ingrained in them. Perhaps, they can’t change who they are but you can change how you deal with them.

KNOW THIS:

“No matter how much a snake sheds skin. It’s still a snake.” Unknown

And that applies to the leopard as well. They’ll change their tactics, they’ll change their hunting style, they’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear, they’ll look you in the eye and make you believe that they’re the next best thing to sliced bread. You can do one better. Walk away before it’s too late and you become another prey in their animal kingdom!

“Something I learned about people…..if they do it once, they’ll do it again.” Unknown

AND

“Rain wets the leopard’s skin but does not wash out the spots.” African Proverb

It’s just a matter of time before those spots reappear and the leopard is ready to pounce again!

A LEOPARD DOES NOT CHANGE ITS SPOTS!

Keep your distance and stay safe.

Have an amazing day.

A Sleepless Night

“The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.” Unknown

I came prepared. Meditation done, breathing exercises done, a hot cup of something soothing downed, had my shower, did my nightly beauty routine and with my favorite PJs on, I was ready for sleep when the phone rang. The voice on the other side said, “Don’t tell me you’re ready for bed already! It’s not even 9 o’clock!”

I yawned and he went, “Oh, you’re sleepy! Sleep well and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

I hung up to see Chachi, the cat, on his divan looking at me. He hates it when the phone rings. “WHO was that on the phone mommy?!!”

Turning off the lights, I prepared for a goodnight’s rest. My eyelids were heavy and I was ready. Expecting to be asleep in a matter of minutes, I waited for my mind to switch off. I waited and waited……then the tossing and turning began and the gale force strength winds outside didn’t help matters much either. Suddenly, thoughts, unwanted thoughts started appearing. They were rigged to go and I entertained each and every one of them as they appeared!

It was 2 a.m. and I was in the grips of insomnia land! Gritting my teeth, I turned on the TV but it was a big mistake. It was more fodder for an already overactive mind! I turned to my last resort. His eyes lit up as he saw me approaching. I picked him up and he curled instinctively as he cuddled closer, a soft purring filling the room. I felt myself relaxing and those unwanted thoughts flew out the window and to wherever they had came from. I was at peace again.

It was a short night but instead of my usual 8 hours, I got a couple of good hours of uninterrupted sleep with Chachi by my side. Morning came early and today will be a long one. I’m hoping that sleep will come without being coaxed into staying tonight. I can only hope.

The little guy in the fur coat is a “sleep inducer” amongst other things!

Have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (4)

We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.

Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.

He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.

We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.

He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.

Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”

I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.

This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.

Helicopter Whirring!

A friend sent me an article yesterday and it irritated me to no end! I felt my hackles rise but honestly, there was some truth to the article and later, much later, I realized that maybe, just maybe I was one of them.

LET’S DEFINE HELICOPTER PARENTING

“A term for parents who hover over their kids, always ready to swoop in and solve every problem. They’re over-attentive and overly fearful of their child’s experiences and challenges.”

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

I was and still am overly-protective of the little guy although he is not so little anymore. Divorce and being a single mom threw my world, my regimented world, into one that could only be described as helter-skelter! Trying to find order where there was none was a big problem. Learning to swim again after being thrown in the deep end of the pool was next to impossible and bring “parenting” into such a situation and you’ve got “helicopter parenting” in the making, in my case anyway. I wanted to protect him from the pain, the anger, the confusion, the despair and a whole host of other emotions that I couldn’t control but I could make it easier with the love I showered on him. Bring fear of the unknown into the picture and I was “warrior mom” ready to go up against anyone who so much as sneezed in his direction! However, it didn’t stop me from teaching him what is right and wrong, to stand up for himself, and to be a good and decent human being.

He has been on his own for the last five or six years, studying and taking care of things on his own. I have been there every step of the way but from a distance! It was HARD but I made it somehow. Last year, he finished up with a better than average grade and I couldn’t have been prouder. Then came the tedious task of looking for a job and never having worked a day in his life made it harder still. He took it all in stride and landed two jobs. The first one paid well but involved travel and lots of stress! He opted for the second one at a five-star hotel. He made his choice and he has been working at the hotel for two months now. Just recently, there was an incident involving a guest high on drugs and in possession of a gun! The old me screamed with fear within but I listened as he talked. It turned out that he handled it like a pro!

Early this morning, the phone rang. It was 1:30 a.m. and I knew it couldn’t be anything good. Sure enough, he said, “I’ve locked myself out of the apartment!” I gulped and the old “helicopter mom” would have asked, “How can I help?’ Instead, I let him talk. He explained he had called the building superintendent and he was on the way. Half an hour later, he was back in his apartment.

“I think that instead of helicoptering our kids, we should be strapping some parachutes on their backs made out of things like common sense, kindness, and courage.

Then we should teach them to jump.” Unknown

And be ready to catch them if the parachute fails!

Honestly, I think I did a good job of raising this young man. Sure, there are things I could have done better but he’s on his way and that is all that matters. Next week, he has his second interview after acing the first one. This could be his forever job. Fingers and toes crossed AND I’m leaving the “helicopter” in the cupboard like the friend asked me too!

LOVE (Archives)

It is elusive, it doesn’t always show up and when it does, it may not stay forever. That is a given but still we seek it, we want the feeling that says all is well, we are loved and protected AND we want it to paint our world in colors of the rainbow or whatever color love comes in. It doesn’t matter if it looks and feels like cubic zirconia, the shine is all that matters for a while anyways. The problem is, we seek this elusive commodity like a heat seeking missile but a warm willing body is not enough, it needs substance to keep it going and that’s where the iffiness, the wishy-washiness and dead as a doornail comes in.

Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? I’ll guarantee that all of us have at one time or another. I’ve taken that journey many times over. Each time, I tell myself I’ll do better the next time around and each time I watch the worthless relationship go up in flames. I’m like a gardener who had planted seeds and one who is waiting to see what the outcome would be. The hope is that all the care, energy and time would yield a bumper crop but no matter how hard I tried, that plant showed up poorly and died along the way. It got brown and shriveled and no amount of trying to revive it brought signs of life back into it. Yet, I held on because of the invested time, love and energy that had gone into it and I wanted some kind of return when there was none to be had.

It was time to let it go. Put it down to wasted energy, pull it out by the roots and make room for something new to grow. Something which is more conducive and is willing to grow under your care. Bad love like bad seeds are just that, there is no rescuing what doesn’t want to be rescued. LET IT GO.

Love is defined as, “a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” verywellmind.com

If some of those behavior traits are missing and keeps on coming up missing, then you need to step back, reevaluate and weigh the consequences of such a relationship. Do not make an unworthy person a priority in your life and toxic relationships are just that, the poison starts slowly but it spreads quickly. Examples of toxic behavior are cheating and carrying on other relationships while in an ongoing relationship and pretending it is a covert operation. The liars and control freaks need to take a hike and those who show no respect for the person they’re with are a waste of time and space. Add to that the ones who can look you in the eye and swear that nothing is going on when you know otherwise should be shown the door quickly. No time should be wasted on them. If you’ve got one of these cubic zirconia types on your hands, remember life is too short for hoping and wishing, also remember you’re a diamond in the making so you have no time and energy to be wasted on fakes. Make room for someone who is willing to thrive in your garden and put yesterday’s mistakes behind you.

“Something I just recently learned was that chased love is not love. If you have to run after it, talk it into staying, remind it of your value, fight alone for the both of you, issue ultimatums, or test it, it is not love. It’s not love, it’s not happiness, it is not fair, it’s not healthy, the only thing it is…..is a waste of time.” Jessica James

I heard someone put it this way as well but not in exactly these words. Why do you have a junk car parked on your property when you’ve got a Ferrari circling your property? Have the wreck towed away and make room for the new, something better at best. Even if there isn’t anyone new on the horizon right now, give it time. In the meantime work on being a worthy person, worthy of love and one who deserves the best as far as love is concerned. Anything less is an absolute no-go!

“Some people will only come into your life to teach you what love is not. And when that happens, I hope you know when to walk away.” F. E. Marie

Have an amazing day.

Chachi’s Softer Side

The little macho in the fur coat does have a softer side and he has decided to show me his feminine side.

He has toned down his cat antics and now, it’s all about taking “lovey-dovey” to a new high! I’m loving it but it is also a tad scary. I see a “mini-me” in the making. I used to be fearful and a clap of thunder would make me jump. We had a thunderstorm two days ago and when it rolled in, Mr. Macho was nowhere to be found! He only came out of his hiding place when things quieted down and the coast was clear and then he looked at me as if I had caused all that racket!

Working out is getting to be next to impossible. My “workout cat” not only joins in but weaves in and out between my legs making it impossible to continue and then decides it’s “kisses galore” time! Try resisting those puppy dog eyes! Yes, he’s got that one down pat. If you can’t beat them, join them? Exactly what happens. It is only a matter of time before we are down on the mat in a lovefest exchanging snuggles, kisses and hugs! Not that I’m complaining.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that Little Einstein is not what he makes himself out to be. He’s a scaredy cat in every sense of the word! Our morning routine hinges on going down together. He waits patiently until I’m ready to go down and then he dashes down the stairs but not before. I wanted to see if I was just imagining it so I went down with him this morning and left him in the kitchen and went back upstairs. Unbelievable! Within minutes, he was back upstairs “mommy meowing” until he found me!

To top it all, his fur is accommodating his new-found softer side! Suddenly, he is soft as silk and holding him close is a joy indeed. What happened? I don’t know but his new nickname is “Softie!” It suits him just fine and I’m loving this sweetness and gentleness he is showing. However, I know that this softer side will not last. It is only a matter of time before the little guy who wears the pants in this household will show up with that John Wayne stride and with that grin plastered on his face and believe me, it will be sooner than later!

Have an amazing day.