There are many areas. First of all, relationship clutter needs to go. I find that it clouds my mind and I am caught up in a storm of my own making. All the ifs and buts tend to take over and more often than not I am not in a comfortable place. I’m working on that.
Clutter in the home is another thing I need to work on. Especially my closets. No matter how hard I try to clear up space, I don’t seem to be making headway in that direction. I used to be a clothes horse. However, these days I live in my sweats and dress up only when I need to so I don’t need much “stuff.” That’s another area I need to work on.
Lastly, I need to work on all the things living rent free in my head! It is the kind of clutter that takes up space and blurs the vision! Clarity is what I am seeking so those things need to go as well. Where to start? Hmm…..that is the problem. On my way but not quite there yet. It is a work in progress.
The Oxford Dictionary defines healing as, “the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.”
There are different kinds of healing depending on what caused the pain in the first place. It could be a broken heart, losing a special person, walking away, or trying to repair something that has no chance of being repaired. How do you heal, that is the question. How long will it take is the more important question here. There are no right or wrong answers. The only thing that matters is that you survive what life has thrown your way.
In the beginning, you’ll wear “sackcloth and ashes” for days on end and you’ll let life go by as you stand at the water’s edge and watch it move on without you. Your life will come to a standstill. However, it doesn’t last forever. You’ll have to get back on to the circle of life because it is expected of you. Grieving, let me tell you, is a lonely affair. You can talk about it, share your feelings, seek the shoulder of someone who cares but the ‘doing’ and the ‘letting go’ part is yours alone.
“Your wound is probably not your fault but your healing is your responsibility.” Unknown
There is no specified time limit as to how long it takes to heal. You’ll hear different versions from people who are not walking or have not walked in your shoes. They’ll make you feel guilty for not letting go sooner and you’ll wonder if all is well with you. YOU are fine. Take the time BUT letting go and healing needs to happen at some point. Life is waiting and so you must get going and do what is expected of you.
You’ll have to get up each morning and get dressed even if you don’t feel like it.
You’ll have to practice self-care even when you want to let it all go to hell.
You’ll have to eat healthier because you matter.
You’ll have to practice self-love because no one else is going to do it for you.
You’ll have to get those feelings of despair out in the open even if you have to scream, shout or bang on the walls to do it. If that is not possible, keep a journal, write it all down and mark your progress.
YOU will have to find the strength within you to move forward and to keep moving forward. You’ve heard the saying, “Time stands still for no man,” well, that’s the absolute truth. It doesn’t.
Get back into life at your own pace but it has to happen at some point.
“It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” Unknown
The great Sufi teacher, philosopher and poet, Rumi, put it this way:
I said: What about my heart?
He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: Pain and sorrow.
He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
Strange because all I was feeling at that point in time was total darkness at the region of my heart. There was no light there. Rumi, in his wisdom, was pointing out that “pain reveals and helps us cherish what truly matters and this pain and suffering can lead to personal growth and enlightenment.”
So it was a learning curve again? The concept and explanation is good BUT healing that wound is a personal thing, light or no light. Do it your way. Embrace the pain, cry it out, howl to the moon if you have to, sleep it off but get back up. You have a life to live and that right there is the message.
Fear, according to Freud, signals danger: “We fear physiological decay, illness and death; we fear the destructive forces of nature; and-of-course- we fear US.” Carl Jung, however, had a different interpretation. “For the hero, fear is a challenge and a task, because only boldness can deliver from fear.”
Whatever the case may be, fear took hold somewhere in my 20s and has been a constant companion ever since. I would consider myself to be a fearful person but people who know me say that I am strong and that I am capable of slaying monsters, the kind that keeps me from stepping out and looking fear right in the eye and thumping my nose at it. However, that doesn’t happen often!
Let’s see, I have a fear of ghosts having seen one or two in my lifetime but that’s for another place and time. I fear the unknown but who doesn’t? I have a fear of falling in love so I have built this insurmountable wall around me and breaking it is going to take super-human strength and a special kind of guy. That said, I do want to find love again but the fear within makes me run before I even get started and that is a conundrum in itself.
“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Robin Sharma
Yet, if I put matters of the heart aside, I have done things that tells me that “fear” is just in my mind and NOT a real thing. I accompanied a sick friend to the very end of his life. In the beginning, I dug my heels in and said, “I can’t do this!” My friend gave me the power to pull the plug when the time came and even though I agreed bravely, the fear within told me, I couldn’t do it. Then the time came and I was asked the question I had been dreading all along. “I can’t take a life!” I screamed inwardly but outwardly I agreed to stop the meds that kept him hanging on to a life that was already gone. It took tremendous strength to see a life get snuffed out but fear was nowhere to be seen at that time.
Sometimes it is at these moments when we think we can’t that we CAN! Fear is an all-encompassing emotion meaning it can stop you in your tracks bringing life to an absolute standstill. I’ve been there and done that. At times, life takes a pause just enough so that you can come to grips with the fear within and to see it for what it is, just a momentary lapse in time until you can gather your strength and start moving again. I’m at that stage now. The fear of the unknown has set in and everything seems scary and putting one foot in front of the other is an option I am not looking forward to. I do know, however, that this too shall pass.
“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” Unknown
I am a fearful person but I’ve stepped out of that fear mode many times. I know that I have the ability to overcome the most fearful things if need be and that for now is enough. One day, I’ll look back at my life and see the things I’ve accomplished in spite of that all consuming fear and know that it was but an imaginary hold in my mind that I created for whatever the reason.
Reality of Fear
You’re not scared of the dark.
You’re scared of what’s in it.
You’re not scared of heights.
You’re afraid of falling.
You’re not afraid of the people around you.
You’re afraid of rejection.
You’re not afraid to love.
You’re afraid of being loved back.
You’re not afraid to let go.
You’re just afraid that he’s really gone.
You’re not afraid to try again.
You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.”
Unknown
Overcoming fear takes constant effort and strength. If you think about it, fear is an emotion like any other. Give it a cursory glance when it steps in as it will but then shove it out the door and move out of its way. You’re fully capable of overcoming fear. I did when I refused to let it have the upper hand. Of course, it is still my daily companion but these days it doesn’t have the strength it used to have. It shows up but it doesn’t stay for long. I don’t stand still long enough for it to take hold and that maybe my superpower against it.
People pleasing is described as “a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process.”
Guilty as charged! I didn’t know this about me but I’m a “yes” person and I tend to jump hoops to help others and in so doing my needs and wants are often placed on the backburner.
Here are some signs of a people pleaser:
You put other people’s needs before your own.
You allow others to take advantage of your kindness.
You feel guilty when you take care of yourself.
You find it hard to say NO.
You stay in relationships that are not good for you.
You worry about the future a lot.
“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” Rachel Wolchin
That is the absolute truth. The more you give, the more is taken. It is expected that you give and give but if you step back and take a long hard look at the situation as I did last year, I realized it was time to put a stop to the constant giving cycle I was in. It comes down to setting boundaries, strong ones that don’t buckle under pressure.
“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.” Unknown
It’s time to say NO and to stick to it. Taking small steps as with everything else helps in getting you out of the people pleasing mode and towards being more confident and assertive.
According to Emily Roberts, here’s how to stop those people pleasing habits.
Stop. Stop saying yes when you want to say no.
Take your time saying yes to favors. Think about it first.
Be fair. Are you being fair to yourself when you say yes.
Don’t over-apologize. Just say, “I am sorry and leave it at that.”
Start small. Limit your availability and your time.
Forget the fear. If people get mad when you say no, you shouldn’t be with such people in the first place anyway.
Ask for help. If it’s too much to handle, ask for help.
Brene Brown says:
“When we’re busy pleasing, perfecting, and performing, we end up saying YES a lot when we mean NO.”
What caught my eye and held my interest is the “performing” part in that quote. I suppose we do perform like actors would trying to please people all of the time. In time, this drains us and it saps our energy. More importantly, you get exploited or manipulated by others. The end result is mental fatigue and burnout.
If you’re a people pleaser STOP! Teach others to respect your boundaries and learn to say NO more often. I have to remind myself of this too. You know what you’ll put up with and what you won’t so do it. It is life changing and freeing at the same time.
I’ve written about this topic before but it’s worth repeating. Anger has the potential to destroy and in its worst form when it steps in as rage, violence erupts, but not always. It is an emotion that can be annoying, a pesky below the skin variety that pokes and causes discomfort and unrest or it can do damage of the worst kind if not reeled in.
It is defined as, “an intense emotional state involving a strong, uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.”
Sounds simple enough doesn’t it? However, it is not that simple and neither is it of the harmless kind. If left to simmer unchecked like some of us do, it has the potential to erupt in unexpected ways and more often than not to your own detriment.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain
I’ve gone through different forms of anger in my life as most of us have, from the mild variety to the last stage involving rage. This last one has the potential to turn a mild-mannered person like myself into someone unrecognizable. My bout with rage appeared when my mother was murdered by an immigrant for a few pieces of jewelry. My disbelief morphed into anger of the worst kind. I would play the scene over and over again in my mind until I became the victim and she, the killer, had the upper hand. There was no changing what had happened but that didn’t matter. I wanted revenge! Some days, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore because “anger” was corroding within me and I was unable to see clearly or to find my way out of this predicament.
“Anger doesn’t solve anything, it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder
It took years and I almost let it destroy my life. Writing and putting my feelings down on paper helped and publishing several articles and getting the message out there also helped because as in this case as with most cases these days, the perpetrators have more rights than the victims. My mother did not get the justice she deserved. It was another blow to an already fragile psyche but I had to deal with it. I could have gone off the deep-end but as I have said here many times before, there is strength within. It is of the incredible kind and I tapped into it. I had to survive this ordeal not only for my sake but for those around me. I wanted to kill “her” or thoughts of that magnitude did cross my mind but not for long. I was made of better stuff and I relied on my inner strength to get me through and it did.
“Anger is one letter short of danger.” Unknown
Remember anger is one emotion if left to run wild and unchecked it can destroy and it can wreck more than havoc in your life. It is not worth it and no matter how unfair or unjust you think life is, there is a better way than grabbing hold of anger and letting it take you for a ride. There are better ways of dealing with anger and some of them are to observe, understand even if it seems impossible at the time, make peace, focus on the good, forgive (I couldn’t do this one), and LET IT GO!
A wise man was asked what is anger?
He gave a beautiful answer.
It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.
Sometimes there is nothing left to do but to accept what you can’t change, salvage what you can and move on. Anger solves nothing but it can destroy everything.
Who am I? Sounds simple enough but this is a hard one to answer. It encompasses all of you, the big picture so to speak. Who you are, what you stand for, what shaped you and the experiences that have made you, the “YOU” of today are all part and parcel of this concept. Understanding yourself is vital to how you interact with the world around you. There is only one YOU, and your identity is unique, It is made up of your values, your beliefs, your relationships and your experiences and that in a nutshell is who you are as a person.
However, interacting with the world around you is not always an easy thing to do. It is much bigger than you are and sometimes downright scary. Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter and might even help with where you are in the grand scheme of things as far as your world is concerned.
“Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase.” Unknown
One step at a time if you want to get somewhere and looking at that whole journey might just be a tad too overwhelming to say the least. Do it slowly and carefully and you’ll get there when the time is right.
“Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.” Unknown
Absolutely worth taking a note of. How often do we hang around people who make us feel less than we are? It is time to clean house and start afresh with people worthy of your company.
“The problem isn’t that your friends aren’t showing up for you…
The problem is that you’re still calling them friends.” Unknown
“You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with.
Choose carefully” Unknown
How true? Choose your friends carefully and the rest will fall into place.
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story,
LEAVE.” Mo Willems
If something is not working and it becomes a struggle, change your strategy. You are not stuck where you are, there is always a way out to start anew. You just need to have the courage to say “I can do this” and move on.
“She wanted something else, something different, something more, passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.” Nicholas Sparks
There you have it. Stop being the option and start being the priority. Stop choosing people who do not choose you.
Understand this….
“You can sound confident and have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel like shit. You can look happy and be miserable inside. You can be good looking and feel ugly. So be kind, because every person is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Unknown
Kindness matters so JUST BE KIND!
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
This actually speaks to the whole concept of who you are. What you do eventually becomes your character. Choose wisely and do the right thing.
“Learn to be done with people, not mad, not bothered but just done.” Unknown
This is hard for someone like me. It takes a lot to say I am done but I am learning. Sometimes it is a matter of survival the choices you make. Choose wisely.
“In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end. She simply changed directions and kept going.” Unknown
This last one is poignant. I am on a journey of self-discovery and self-development and in so doing I am learning to give up what does not serve me, to change directions and to move towards what does. Not always easy I know but this is where self-awareness and self-worth comes in to guide you and to make it just a little less scarier than it is.
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Why do we keep repeating the same mistakes when it comes to relationships? Why do we gravitate to the same types of people?
These are the questions I ask myself over and over again. It seems that I am drawn to the same types I left behind. It’s been a never-ending cycle and it seems like Groundhog’s Day over and over again to the point that it is horrific and mind-boggling to say the least.
Liars, cheaters and emotionally-unavailable men seem to draw me in like they’re magnetized and I have no willpower when it comes to these types. I walk in gladly like a lamb to the slaughter.
There is a reason so say the experts. They say “opposites attract” and “we are drawn to people who are strong in areas we are weak.” Hmm….there is more to this concept according to them. Two people who have an abusive past will be attracted to each other because they are viewed as equals. However, an abuser is not necessarily attracted to another abuser. He’s attracted to an “abusee” – or someone who will tolerate and enable his abuse. So to make it short and to the point, the “abusee” is familiar with abuse, be it physical, sexual or emotional abuse and so she is attracted to someone who gives her what she’s already comfortable with it.”
Lord have mercy!
Is there no way out of this pattern? There is but first you need to know that:
“Simplicity and Complexity need each other.” Unknown
However, there is a way out but not an easy one. You have to work at it with a narrow-minded focus.
Here goes. If you want to attract better, you must be better meaning you need to discard what is within you, the cause for your need to be abused. Find out where it stems from. Your childhood? Adulthood? The experts say look for patterns and don’t sweep what you find under the rug. The only way to learn from it, get past it, is to go through it. Otherwise, you’re doomed to repeat and attract the same types only in a different body!
This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid. As I have said in one of my other article, I am like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to the types I mentioned above. I find them!
Here are some tips from beyourownbrandofsexy.com on how to attract quality or high-value men. First, know yourself well and know what you need in a relationship and what matters to you.
Identify your Needs
Know what works and won’t work for you. Be selective and be ready to discard if something shows up as a red flag. “Loving the wrong person teaches you the red flags to watch out for the next time around.”
Don’t Settle
This is important. We tend to settle when we know that the person is the wrong type only because we tell ourselves that he will change or I can make him change. They don’t change, what they show you is what you get. So how do you stop attracting narcissists and the wrong men? DO NOT let them get close to you. Know what your non-negotiable dealbreakers are and stick to them.
Be your Own Person
This means be your own true authentic self. Say “no” to bad matches. Become your true, authentic self which helps you to gravitate to people who are better matches for you.
Be Persistent
If you want to end up in a solid relationship, persistence pays. This doesn’t mean being persistent in chasing the wrong types but staying true and waiting for the right one to show up. Dating is a learning experience and unfortunately, you’ll have rejections, bad dates and disappointments AND you’ll have to kiss some frogs but if you keep at it and know what you want, you might just land the man of your dreams.
While you’re working on that, take care of yourself as well. No point letting yourself go because that is not going to do it. Lose some weight if you have to, get fit both mentally and physically, take care of your skin and teeth because one guy did ask me to show him my teeth on our first date! They’re out there. Just know that physical appearance matters so present the best version of yourself.
Now, I have to go figure out the patterns in my life which make me attract the same types over and over again. That’s the cycle I need to break! I definitely want to break this cycle of attracting low-value men and having to kiss frogs and hoping that they’ll turn into Prince Charming. Time to get working to put my best self forward armed with the knowledge of exactly what I’ll settle for.
I swear if this doesn’t work I’m giving up altogether!
I took a walk in nature today to clear my mind and somehow came back home with love on my mind. What is it? Is it just a feeling or something more? Don’t ask me why or how I got on this topic but it crossed my mind and here I am ready to see what it’s all about it.
“Love is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection and trust.” http://www.verywellmind.com
I decided to look a little deeper and found some quotes that describe love in all its entirety and here are some of my favorites.
“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” Paulo Coelho
Paulo has a way with words and in the most romantic way. I’m still waiting to see what the universe has conspired for me.
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times.” Ann Landers
I like the next one a lot. Why? Because I am a romantic at heart and it speaks to my soul. See what I mean?
“Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.” Torquato Tasso
“I don’t want a perfect person. I just want someone to act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me more than anything.” Unknown
“You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” Oscar Wilde
Oscar said it well, don’t you think? Simply beautiful but I haven’t found him yet. Still looking!
“The real lover is a man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” Marilyn Monroe
Who knew Ms. Monroe had it in her. The blonde bombshell went deeper than her looks and I love that quote.
Next is my girl, Carrie Bradshaw. She knows her love material well.
“I am someone who is looking for real love; ridiculous. inconvenient. consuming. can’t-live-without-each other love.”
“I’d like to think that people have more than one soulmate. If you miss one, along comes another. Like cabs.”
I am not too sure about that one. Perhaps they won’t be called soulmates anymore. Just run of the mill types who walk in and out of your life and that might be a more appropriate description.
My favorite of them all is this one below.
“The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will NEVER get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the best of you, not the hurt you! Never forget that.” Trent Shelton
Feeling all loved up? I know I am. Enjoy your day.
“One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to let go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal, it doesn’t matter, it is hard and that is a fact. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” Unknown
Letting go has always been hard for me. I tend to take things that have happened with or without my permission and I play around with it until it becomes a different scenario from where it started from. Suddenly that little problem becomes all-consuming and my life comes to a halt and my focus is riveted to that one little spot. It’s as if I am churning a cauldron and saying as the witches in Macbeth did, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble!” I have trouble saying, it is done. It has happened. I can’t go back and change anything even if I wished I could. So just breathe a sigh of relief and LET IT GO but I am learning.
Something happened yesterday. It was small compared to all the big things out there. Somehow I let it get inside me. I stirred it up and soon it was a major problem BUT only in my mind. As I stood watching the sun go down in a blaze of glory, I realized that I had let a beautiful day go to waste simply because I had been caught in a web of my own making. Things do happen and it is not your fault or mine but it is how we deal with it that differentiates whether we come out on top or get stuck at the bottom. Take a deep breath, feel the weight fly off your shoulders and your feet get a little lighter as you watch it, whatever it is, dissipate into the distance and into nothingness. It is not worth it. LET IT GO.
We hold onto relationships that are not good for us but still we hold on simply for the sake of holding on when you know deep inside that this is not what you want but letting go is not an option. It would hurt too much or you’ll find yourself alone or you’ve invested too much time and energy in it or you make up some story in your head that you can’t live without him or her and it goes on and on. If truth be told, you know that letting go and moving on is the best option because it is not working and you want better. LET IT GO. You’ll be alright.
I love holding onto people, problems and just about anything. Some days I play things over in my mind and say, if only this and if only that. I am learning that playing around with it in my head is only hurting me and it is not going to change things. You can’t change the past and it is over so let it rest. You have bigger and better things to do. LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. Be at peace and move on.
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Unknown
AND
“Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.” Unknown
AND
“Overthinking will destroy your mood. Breathe and let go.” @SelfSaid
The last one was for me simply because I overthink everything! So I’m going to breathe and LET IT GO. Not easy but worth a try.
Harper’s Bazaar defines it as, “signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues.” According to them, these are major red flags and it has no place in a healthy, happy relationship.
True and you deserve a happy, and healthy relationship. However, many play mind games just for the hell of it because it makes them feel good or it’s done for some sick pleasure. Others have made it part and parcel of their dating existence. How do you spot these wolves in sheep’s clothing? Not easy because quite often they disguise themselves as one of the good guys. They look and come across as harmless but in actuality, they have the potential to hurt you badly through their manipulative tactics.
Here are the tell-tale signs. Actually there are 9 of them according to geediting.com but I think there are more.
Inconsistent behavior……this one is like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. He’s the nice guy one minute and the next you’ll be wondering what changed. It’s NOT YOU! It’s HIM!
Gaslighting…..a technique used to question your own reality, experiences, or perceptions. If you’re constantly doubting or questioning yourself, you might just be a victim of gaslighting.
They never apologize…..this is a significant part of someone playing mind games. Be aware. Instead of apologizing, they deflect blame onto others.
They make you feel guilty….this is one of the tools master manipulators use to shift power in their favor.
They’re hot and cold…..this tactic is known as “love bombing.” This technique will leave you confused and unsure of where you stand and that’s exactly where they want you.
They make you question your worth…..this is a clear sign that someone is playing mind games. It is used to erode your self-esteem making you dependent on them for validation. It’s a form of control.
They withhold affection as punishment….one minute everything’s great and the next they’re not talking to you. It’s a manipulative technique to gain control and hold the upper hand in the relationship. A harsh method used to get whatever they want.
They make you feel like everything’s your fault….even when it isn’t. You’re the bad person and they come out smelling like a rose. It’s time to take a good hard look at the relationship and to move on.
They use your insecurities against you….they know your vulnerabilities and they exploit it to gain power and control.
I’ll add silent treatment to the list above. Master manipulators are pros when it comes to using silent treatment to their advantage. It is used as a form of punishment to make you feel unimportant and anxious so that you scramble to make THEM feel important again which means doing anything they want.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” Unknown
Mind games have no place in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship deserves respect, love, caring AND your well-being matters. If you find yourself going through one of the 9 items listed above over and over again, it’s time to leave the loser behind to his own wiles and move on to someone who will meet you on equal terms and treat you as an equal as well. They’re out there, you just have to weed through the losers to get there but anything is better than a master manipulator.
“Mind games do not make me believe you are mysterious or interesting. Mind games do make me believe you are a waste of my time and energy!” Unknown
AND
“Let’s play kind games instead of mind games.” Unknown
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