I’m not talking about the spooky variety that scares the hell out of you but the kind that is mean and done to do damage. I’m talking about “Ghosting” which is prevalent in today’s digital age and which is meant to hurt in a sinister way.
It is defined as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”
Have you experienced this form of communication or rather “no communication” to be more precise? It hurts doesn’t it? The problem is, it was meant to hurt you. It is a heartbreaking reality in today’s world and it has the potential to shatter your self-esteem, grip at your insides and even though it is an act, a non-thinking and cowardly one, the pain is akin to that of the physical variety.
Gentleman’s Rule #10:
If you can’t handle what she brings to the table, or if she’s not the woman for you, leave the table like a gentleman. Don’t ghost, ghosting is for insecure shit-heads. The fact that we have a word for this behavior says more about men, than women.” onefemalecanuck.com
According to some mental professionals, ghosting can be classified as a form of emotional cruelty and it is. It causes emotional distress, sadness, despair, anger and a whole host of other emotions. Ghosting is a sign that the perpetrator of this act has poor communication skills, is immature and disrespectful of your feelings because being “ghosted” can leave an unwanted imprint on the “ghostee” the person being ghosted.
“Ghosting doesn’t work on me, I don’t care if we never speak again.” Unknown
Easier said than done? Here are some tips on how to recover from being ghosted according to drtracyhutchison.com
Realize that no response is a response.
Try not to take it personally.
Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal.
Set boundaries.
Move on.
If all else fails, do this:
“When someone ghosts you, respect the dead and MOVE ON!” Unknown
I heard this somewhere, not sure where and not sure who said it but it stuck with me. It goes like this.
Standing on top of a cliff and looking down, I hear myself say, “What if I fall?” A voice comes back and says, “Oh, my darling, what if you fly?”
It stuck with me because there were many times when I’ve stood on that cliff and asked that very same question, “What if I fall?” I refused to contemplate that I might just fly. I stayed because I was afraid to take that step forward. Fear of the unknown kept me there, of what I couldn’t see did the rest. I knew that staying where I was would keep me captive but staring into that abyss has kept me a prisoner.
After my divorce, I stood at the crossroads and wondered which way I should go? Everything told me to take the road less travelled. Go embrace the unknown it said. ”What have you got to lose?” I stayed put and took the other turn. The one that was familiar, the one my heart knew so I embraced the pain that was still there and refused to budge.
Along my journey, I met men who reminded me of “him.” Mostly mediocre relationships with mediocre men. My heart was content because there was comfort in the familiar and I did not have to navigate unfamiliar territory. I knew the path well. Mediocre relationships is defined as a “relationship with another person which is typically a symptom of a mediocre relationship with yourself. When you don’t know yourself or honor your needs, it’s easy to stay in a mediocre relationship. Mediocre can be safe, familiar, just enough….but not deeply fulfulling or vibrant.”
Accepting how I was treated made me believe I was loved. Afterall, it was familiar territory. I felt safe thinking this is the real deal. I knew there was more out there than someone blurting out, “I love you,” without any thought as to what it really meant. It didn’t matter, I was on cloud nine but the reality was mediocre brings mediocrity. Why do we accept it? ”It comes from a fear of failing as well as not being willing to deal with others tearing you down.” The truth is, I saw it, I felt it and I accepted it and so I stayed to fight another day.
Strangely enough no matter how many times I got hurt and the truth kept staring me in the face, I held on for dear life. I was basically saying there isn’t anything better out there. Why do you need better? Isn’t this enough? The “this” being a lukewarm relationship with no substance to it. You see the person I am alluding to was having a mediocre relationship with himself and so did not see “me”, the real me, he was busy slaying his own demons. Like attracts like? Perhaps but here is where I found myself until I saw what Mark Sterling had to say.
If you want to soar in life, you must learn to
F.L.Y (First Love Yourself)
I realized at that moment that I had lost myself along the way. I had stopped loving myself, the reason for all my woes. The divorce wasn’t my fault, the aftermath painful but it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason for the pain and suffering. It was thrown in front of me and I had to deal with it. Through it all, I put myself in the background and I learned to crawl. So here I am standing on the cliff again and staring into the abyss before me. One step forward will take me into the unknown, the uncomfortable, into the midst of terror and then I hear a voice say, “Oh, my darling, but what if you fly?”
“You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly. (Rumi)
Here I go.…….
Update:
I wrote this article last year. Where am I now? I’ve made some inroads but there is miles to go before I rest. I am learning, accepting, letting go and moving on. A process that is never ending it seems but I’m hoping that when I reach my goal or journey’s end, I am where I want to be. It takes courage, strength and believing that there is a better out there.
“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” Cynthia Qzick
We do that a lot don’t we? We take people who love us for granted and things that serve us for granted as well. I think it is a given in this fast-paced world of ours. We’re on the move and our focus is on a hundred little and big things that there is no time to stop and appreciate what is staring us in the face. We do take notice when the person is no longer there or the thing you depended on has taken a break for whatever the reason.
Learning to appreciate or to give gratitude is a lost art of sorts it seems. I learned it the hard way this past week as my dependable car, the four-wheeled contraption decided to show me that sometimes it needs a break too. I am very focused where my car is concerned. I make sure the service gets done and the summer and winter checks get done as well but this year I let the winter check go unnoticed. A well-meaning friend told me that it wasn’t necessary to get it done every year and I listened. I noticed that the car wasn’t heating as it should and still I left it to chance. It (the car) let it be known clearly and loudly that it was a no go! It is now in the service shop and has been there for the last 4 days. The water tank or tube or whatever you call it has a crack and needs to be replaced. I HOPE that is the only thing wrong with it!
The thing is, now I realize how dependent I’ve been on it to take me from Point A to Point B and I gave it no thought at all. It was a given and now I know that I’ve been taking it for granted.
Sometimes we need to stop, take a good hard look at the people and things we depend on and show them the gratitude they deserve. We tend to leave such things to a later point in time or only when they are gone or missed and that is not going to do it. Take the time to say, “I thank you,” or “I love you,” or even “I’m grateful” before it’s too late.
“When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” G. K. Chesterton
Have an amazing day.
Update:
The car is back after getting a new water pump and a thermostat. It seems to be working fine and just in case, I gave it a well-deserved hug!
Letting go is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. Holding on is somehow innately built into the human system and we are wired to hold on when things go wrong. At least, that is the case with me. If only I had the ability to “let go” when I knew that there was no point in holding on. Life would be so much easier right? Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. I am an overthinker, an overachiever and a hold on with a death grip type of person. At times I am well aware that the ship has set sail and is out of sight but I keep looking longingly out to sea hoping it would return and everything would be alright but most times, it never does and still I refuse to let go.
“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” Unknown
The hard thing about letting go is the fear factor. The unknown is always scary. We tend to fixate on what was instead of realizing that it is done with, a thing of the past and it’s time to move on. The pieces remain of what once was, be it a lesson learned or pieces to build a future with but only if we stop looking at that closed door and turn towards the one that is open BUT going through it is like leading a horse to water but making it drink is another story altogether.
Shannon Alder says:
“Forget what hurt you but NEVER forget what it taught you.”
If only it was that easy. Speaking from experience and being the proverbial holder on, I know that there were times when I dug in my heels and refused to budge because it was what was behind that closed door that I wanted. It didn’t matter that it was bad for me and it didn’t matter that it was gone, water under the bridge so to speak and still I held on for dear life. I cried a waterfall when I could have saved those tears if only I had taken the first step to go through that open door. Freedom comes in letting go which in turn gives you the ability to fly because nothing is weighing you down anymore. I am learning not to stay in one place too long, to look back and to gather the lessons I have learned and when the time is right to keep moving forward. Life is for living, not just existing and being stuck in one place is an absolute no go. It is in moving forward that you learn the power of letting go, the power of living again.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey
Looking back at 2024, it was a year of ups and downs, of small successes and big failures, of letting go and holding on and of falling down and picking myself back up, dusting off and moving on. It was of learning who I am, of surprising myself with what I discovered and accepting the inevitable. Through it all, there was hope at the end of the tunnel and like a beacon it beckoned. It said, “you can make it if you just put one foot in front of the other.” So I kept going clinging to the promises that hope made.
“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” Christopher Reeve
Here we are in the new year and it is time to write on the blank page. Today as I glance at the new year ahead, I know I’ve grown, I’ve learned some lessons and I have let go of things that don’t serve me anymore. I hope that the path ahead will be easier than the last but then again when have we known life to be easy. But there is hope.
I hope I will find what I am searching for. Finding that elusive thing called love will not be easy. I am hoping that when I do, it will light me up from within and I will learn to fly again. There is hope.
Fear would have taken a step back and I will set forth wearing my armor of courage and nothing will make me stumble and when fear beckons as it always does because it has been a constant companion in this journey I call life, I will look it in the face and keep on forging ahead. There is still hope.
The road to success is paved with many stumbling blocks but putting one foot in front of the other will take me there. Looking up at that insurmountable mountain will make me want to run and take cover and fear will tell me that I am not going to make it but the path ahead is where I need to go, one small step at a time. There is hope.
A friend told me that he was alright in his comfort zone. He was happy sitting on the ledge and staring into the distance of nothingness. I told him life does not exist in a vacuum, my friend. It was time for him to move and take that tiny step forward. ”But what if I fall?” he asked. ”Oh but what if you fly?” I said. There is hope.
No one knows what the year ahead holds. One thing is for sure the journey forward won’t be easy and at times more than daunting. The miles to walk will be long and scary and looking for those elusive answers will be like looking for that needle in the haystack. But when all is said and done, I hope I will be standing at the finish line when this new year is done and looking back with a smile on my face at a year full of surprising finishes and much success. There is still hope.
Nikki Banas says it like this.
“If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the path to where you are meant to be. Because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through.”
So my friends, let “hope” take us through this year and to the finish line.
We’ve heard this quote before, one that puts the spotlight on lies and lying and keeps it there. It goes like this:
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!” Sir Walter Scott (1808)
According to Mark T. Edmead, it means that “when you act dishonestly, you are initiating problems, and a domino structure of complications, which will eventually run out of control.”
Yet we all lie or have told lies in one form or another. It has become a pastime for some of us and for others a way of life. Some may be viewed as harmless in the grand scheme of things but in the long run, it morphs and takes on a different persona, one that could destroy and cause tremendous harm. The basic ones such as “white lies” are the least serious of all lies. However, after time “white lies” tend to lose their credibility and reappear as black ones if used often enough. The difference between the two? White lies are told to please someone and carries very little dishonesty whereas the opposite is done to gain personal benefit by telling black ones. It’s sole purpose is to harm while protecting oneself.
Let’s look at some of the other forms of lies. I will concentrate on just a few, the ones that are everyday fare for the seasoned liar.
Dawson McAllister of TheHopeLine has pinpointed many different forms but here are the ones that hit close to home.
Bold Face Lies
It is “telling something that everyone knows is a lie. As we get older, we try to be more clever with our cover-ups. Some people never grow up enough to deal with their bold-faced lying even though others know what they are saying is completely false.”
Lies of Deception
This type might seem harmless and at first some might even call it “white lies” but in actuality it can be used as a “powerful and hurtful tool. It can be very subtle yet deadly.”
Compulsive Lying
It has been said that “compulsive lying is caused by low self-esteem and a need for attention. A compulsive liar tells their mistruths even when telling the truth would be easier and better. It is more than ridiculous, it is a tragedy.”
This is the kind I am most used to. I was married to someone who didn’t think twice about the lies that came out of his mouth. Once he realized that his “lies” had power to detract and deceive they the “lies” became a way of life for him. I was on the receiving end and it hurt and brought me down to my knees but compulsive liars will not acknowledge or see the destruction they cause instead they will find bigger and better ways to get their lies across AND claim it is the truth and nothing but the truth. I used to say, “one day you are going to cry wolf and no one will come to your rescue.”
“Only cry wolf when the wolf is really there, otherwise you risk losing everyone’s trust.” Unknown
I have met many liars since then. Perhaps because I was in a vulnerable state in my life. Since I started the journey I am on, I am learning that I am more than I used to be. There is strength within this small frame of mine. Calling on all liars, please be aware. I am no longer your stepping stone and I can spot you a mile away!
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.” Fyodor Dostoevsky
Nicely said but I like this one better.
“You can dish it out but you can’t take it when your called on it. Grow some balls and own up to your lies.” Unknown
“Cheating is the most disrespectful thing one human being can do to another. If you aren’t happy in a relationship, end it before starting another one.” Abhishek Tiwari
It is also known as infidelity and defined as “when a person in a monogamous romantic relationship has an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else without their partner’s consent.” I can talk about this till the cow’s come home but cheating on someone, especially someone who loves you is disrespectful, hurtful and the antithesis of love. I was on the receiving end of such a relationship.
He was everything I wanted at that time. Sweet, gentle, loving, down-to-earth and it just felt like we belonged together. A marriage, a son and seventeen years later, I was staring at a blank page. He was successful in his career earning more than most and suddenly the gentle, sweet and nondescript guy had suddenly turned into every girl’s dream guy. His self-worth blew up like a balloon that not even a pin could deflate and he was floating on a bed of arrogance. I was still the girl he had met at the university dance, fell in love with and married. Suddenly I realized and to my dismay that he had moved on without looking back and I was left carrying the bag, the bag of broken dreams and relegated to the role of “lady-in-waiting.” The “nobody” was front and center and his priority.
According to Kiki Strack, “A man can love you from the bottom of his heart, and still find room at the top for somebody he claimed was nobody.”
Kiki speaks to the heart of the matter. Cheaters do not have a problem with this concept. The “nobody” will shine until the glitter wears off and he is ready to move to the next conquest. The problem is cheaters learn that they can have the best of both worlds without being held accountable for their actions. It is only when they get caught and their so called dream world comes crashing down and they have to pay the piper that facing the truth becomes a problem for them.. Unfortunately few learn from their mistakes. Once you take a bite from the apple of sin, there is no going back.
Melissa Edwards says it well. “Once a cheater, always a repeater.”
Looking back, it is not the cheater who has to pay a price but the victims who find themselves in a place that they don’t want to be in. There is nothing that can describe the pain of watching the trust you placed in one specific person be broken into a million pieces. No there is no putting back what was destroyed and no matter how hard you try, a patched heart is not a pretty sight. Years after I walked away, the walls are still up. Someone once asked me, “How can there be love without trust?” Good question but I have no answers.
“Trust once lost, could not be easily found. Not in a year, perhaps not even in a lifetime.” J.E.B Spredemann
I am learning to spread my wings, yes the same wings that got clipped when I learned about his infidelity. It has been a long, slow and painful journey forward. One slow step at a time and along the way, I have met many more like him. Men who cheat because they can. These days I have learned to spot the signs before it is too late. I listen to what it tells me. They say there is a tendency to fall for the same types over and over again. Why? Maybe the heart gravitates to what it has known and it is comfortable in that space. It is hard to believe but that may be the case. I do know that I have learned from my mistakes. I also know that I am valuable, a priority and my self-worth matters. I will not be someone’s lady-in-waiting especially when a “nobody” is relegated to a place of power.
Finally this.
“I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.” Unknown
It’s a question I ask myself everyday. One day it is this and the next it is that but the answers are never the same. Perhaps there is no one answer. It is not a one size fits all kind of thing. Life has been likened to a river that never stops flowing. It winds and turns and keeps on moving no matter what. Perhaps it is this.
Once a wise man was asked, “What’s the meaning of life?” He replied, “Life itself has no meaning. Life is an opportunity to create meaning.” Unknown
I think it is a journey. Stopping and standing still is not an option. Running and hiding is not an option. Crying and begging is not an option. Looking back at the past and hoping it was different is not an option. It is deciding that you are the co-creator of your life. However, as co-creator, it is expected that no matter what life throws at you, good or bad, lying on the ground and refusing to move is not an option either. Standing back up is.
As a young girl, there were many times when I would come home screaming bloody murder because I had taken a fall and scraped my knee or because someone had been mean or something didn’t go my way but the message I got from my wise mother was simple but clear, “I don’t want to hear it. Dust off and get back on that horse and get moving.” It was met with belligerence from my 8-year-old self but it has been the best lesson she has taught me. Those words of hers have stood the test of time. Just the other day, my son said, “I am scared and sad. I am stressed about all this stuff.” The “stuff” meaning he was standing at the crossroads and wondering what’s next. A job, taking responsibility for his own life and wondering if he was going to make it were all on his mind. We’ve all been at that crossroad at one time or another and wondered about the very same things. And then he said, “What if I can’t get a job?” I thought about it for a long time and came back with those words of old. Words that came from a woman who knew what she was talking about. So I said, “If you fall, pick yourself back up, dust off and keep looking ahead but never give up.” Same message but said in a different way. Did he get it? I know those words still sing in my head so I hope it does in his.
Coming back to life and its idiosyncrasies. One thing is for sure, there are no guarantees. It is what you put into it that counts, how hard you work at it that matters and doing the uncomfortable when you don’t want to will be the key to taking you to the finish line.
I think George Bernard Shaw may have captured its essence.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
“It’s you versus you. Meaning you’re the only thing standing in your way.” Amber Tamblyn
The battle lines are often drawn when it comes to facing life’s adversities, difficulties and the unknown. How often do you say, “This is too hard to handle or I can’t do this!” Life’s uncertainties are often met with, I am unworthy, I am too small, I am insignificant, I am not pretty enough, I am not capable, I am not enough and so on. We come up with so many excuses as to why we can’t achieve something or why it is impossible but if truth be told, we make mountains out of molehills. I often point my fingers at everything but myself. I become small and that problem, whatever it is, changes shape and becomes a mountain. It doesn’t matter that the mountain is of my own making, it’s there and it seems insurmountable.
What if we take a step back and view it from a different angle? Is it still insurmountable? How about if we changed our mindset to one of “I can” instead of “I can’t?” I know some problems are huge and they remain huge no matter which way you look at it but there are others that become that way because the “you” the negative “you” sees it that way and so it looms larger than life and once that negative mindset takes hold, it is all downhill from there. I’ve started looking at problems as just that. They are problems yes but I’ve decided to downsize them. I give them a cursory glance at first then I break it down into pieces and tackle it that way. Gone are the days of heart-thumping and end-of-the-world theatrics. No, it hasn’t made the problem any less of a problem but breaking it down does make it more manageable. Perhaps we need to remember it is not you vs. you but YOU working with you to come up with a solution, one that is workable.
It has been said you are your own worst enemy but what if you become your own best friend? Wouldn’t life be so much easier not to mention simpler? Here are some tips on how to do exactly that from the mindful.org.
When you look at the mirror, appreciate the unique person staring back at you – there’s never been another you!
When you talk to yourself, be friendly! Be understanding! NEVER BE MEAN!
When you need lovin’, give yourself a self-hug. Don’t knock it ’till you try it!
Don’t be shy to use your name and tell yourself that you love you.
Make a date with yourself to do something kind and caring.
Make yourself laugh.
Take time for contemplative practices that help you stay tuned in to your body, mind and emotions so that you might always be able to access your inner wisdom.
Idowu Koyenikan had this to say about problems.
“Mountains are only a problem when they are bigger than you. You should develop yourself so much that you become bigger than the mountains you face.”
If all else fails, you can give the “you” that is causing you problems a boot out the door! That should do it. Easier said than done I know and finally, YOU AREENOUGH AS YOU ARE so don’t underestimate yourself.
Let It Be. How many times have we heard this phrase? I don’t know about you but I’ve heard it often enough mostly from well-meaning friends, people who care and those who want better for me.
Did it sink in? NOT when I was in the midst of what I call my “end of the world” meltdowns. During these times, “let it be” was the last thing on my mind. However, when you look at these three words, it does hold power behind its seemingly gentle facade. The strength lies in its ability to slow things down, to step back and to take a good hard look at the situation and to say, there is nothing left for me to do so breathe and LET IT BE. Three unassuming words but a powerhouse when it comes to comfort, acceptance and a message of hope.
I want revenge! I want my old friend “karma” to step in and do what I can’t do! I want payback! Unfortunately, revenge is a dangerous option and karma, well it takes its time and that is the problem. Payback? It doesn’t happen automatically. So what do you do while you wait for whatever it is that you’re waiting for to take place? Breathe quietly and LET IT BE.
There is comfort in knowing that you don’t have to do anything. Wipe away the tears, tone down the rhetoric and just LET IT BE.
Acceptance, well this is much more difficult. Accepting means you are ready to let go of an event or situation that has caused so much turmoil. How do you calm this beast down? Breathe deeply and LET IT BE.
Hope is a four letter word that holds power within its unassuming persona. When you zoom into this optimistic state of mind, all things are possible is the message. Armed with comfort, acceptance and hope, I’m going to breathe and LET IT BE, if only for today. Tomorrow is another story!
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